Another Phrase That Means "I Dont like That" for 11 Yr Old

"I would rather......."

At least he doesn't say, "I hate...." As a child, I often said that and my mother would say that I couldn't possibly have such strong feelings about something.

"That's bunk" or "Boo...hiss..."? Ah, semantics. Isn't it the tone you want to change not the words? Just having him say different words to express the same thing isn't going to make him more respectful. Only time will do that.

Hi A.-

Call me crazy...but 'I' would respectfully tell your child "thank you for sharing"...and then follow thru with the consequence...

The 'inappropriate' initial behavior that lends itself to the 'consequence' is the REAL concern...yes?

Good Luck!!
Michele/cat

I am going to agree with Catwalk on this one. I have a 14 yr old son and a 7 yr old son with similar problems. We are in counseling and have come a long way the last few years. One of the things I had to accept was that speaking respectfully was not as important to me as obeying me and accepting consequences. For example, my 7 yr old has pretty violent responses when he disagrees (he has Asperger's) and calls me things that would make a sailor blush. I cannot stop him. I walk away from him. When he is calm he and I talk and he has to apologize and accept his consequence.

With my 14 yr old there are always the big sighs when I ask him to do anything, and he complains. However he does do what I ask.

Maybe you feel really strongly about the word stupid. However, what if this child truly feels that things are stupid? Now is your chance to reach out and acknowledge these feelings, probably no one ever has before. I'm going to suggest you read Parenting with Love and Logic. Just Google it. The book gives you exact reasons for why to say the exact phrasing they recommend you say. It's great.

Also, try to relax. 11 can be difficult with any child, even the sweetest calmest child. Choose your battles wisely, love fiercely, and accept this child where he is at. Then build from there.

The link below has more details and also check out the "Love & Logic" link. Good luck!

http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

Discipline helps to guide children toward positive behavior, promotes self-control, encourages children to think before acting and is not damaging to their self-esteem. Punishment, on the other hand, is negative – whether physical, verbal, withholding rewards or penalizing.

Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers, such as:

* “No, don’t run inside!” becomes, “What happened to our walking feet? Where do we use our running feet?” or “We will go outside soon and you can show me how fast you can run.”
* “No, don’t throw the blocks!” becomes, “When did our blocks grow wings?” or “Let’s try building a castle and see what happens!”

Use positive discipline to redirect your child’s behavior, and you validate the legitimacy of your child’s desires and shows you care and understand. Redirecting endorses your child’s right to choose and begins to teach that others have rights, too.

When I wanted my kids to stop saying something, I didn't tell them not to say it because it made them want to say it all the more. They want to express their frustration and they want to make you frustrated as well. No matter what you have him say, he will say it as disrespectfully as he can so he can make sure you are as frustrated as he is.

Want a better solution? Give him an annoying response EVERY time he says it. Make sure it is the EXACT same annoying response. For example, I got tired of my kids saying, "That's not fair!" So EVERY time they said it, I responded with, "You're right. Life's not fair and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you are going to be." They got so tired of hearing me say that that they would scream if one of their friends said "That's not fair" in front of me. It was hilarious!

So you might respond with something like, "You may think it is stupid but it is the consequence you earned and the sooner you figure that out the better off you are going to be." Practice so that it is the EXACT same words EVERY time.

Just as you get tired of hearing the SAME phrase over and over, they will get tired of hearing you say the SAME thing over and over. Have some fun with it! The teen years can be challenging so you have to find a calm way (and sometimes fun way) to deal with their strange behaviors. Remember, they are trying to figure out how to behave in between the childhood years and the adult years - both of which have some pros and cons. They want the pros of each and it can't happen so it is frustrating.

Be sure to let him know that you will listen to him and validate whatever he is feeling. There is nothing more infuriating for a teen than to think that you don't care. You can tell him all you want that you do, but you must demonstrate that you do. Listening is not agreeing. You must let him vent. Just keep reminding him that you will not listen if he is disrespectful.

For example, he says that he hates your cooking. Just calmly act like that is a totally normal comment. While smiling, start out with, "Yeah, I should have gone to cooking school." (breaks the tension for both of you) Then say, "Tell me what things are the worst." If he says, "Everything" then say, "I'd really like to make foods you like but why don't we discuss this later when you can be a little more realistic." Just calmly walk away. You don't need to say that it is disrespectful because he already knows. But you are demonstrating three things. 1) He cannot push your buttons and get you to over-react, 2) You will not have a conversation when he is being irrational (you can't reason with an irrational person), and 3) You will listen to his concerns when done respectfully. Sometimes you have to give him the opportunity immediately to change his tone, but if he chooses to stay in the disrespectful tone, then calmly walk away reassuring him that you will listen later when he is able to communicate better. Their emotions go in waves and it's normal.

No thank you.
May I have a moment before I start?
That frustrates me.
I really do not care for that.
I do not know how to do that.
I am afraid I will do that wrong.
Please show me what you mean.
I have never tried that.
I do not care to do that because....
I am frustrated.
I get frustrated doing that because..

Here are some typical teenage sayings (I think). To me, they're not that bad but everyone has their own tolerance level so it is up to you to pick and choose.

"You can't be serious."
"Ugh, thanks but no thanks."
"I don't think so."
"Seriously!?!"
"I'll take a pass on that."
"You're kidding, right?"
"That's not my thing."
"I'd rather not."

Blunderbuss.
Fussbudget.
Wacky Fragments.
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Hoky-Poky.

Maybe have him write a paper on what the word stupid means.
And what the opposite of stupid is.

This child is in foster care. The phrase will disappear in time as he matures. If this is the worse thing he says then I would say your lucky. If this is his way of expressing himself....why are you trying to make him say something else. He will only rebel. He is a 11, a fun phrase will work with a five year old not an 11 year old. Let him have his feelings and let him express them his own way. You can teach him other ways and he will adopt them when he feels its ok to let his guard down. Good luck and I think foster parents are a true gift.

He doesn't need to change the words..... just his tone. It's the way he says it that bothers you. Sadly he is 11 and from what I am hearing and reading a tween is a tricky character. I would just tell him, It's your tone we don't appreciate. So drop the tone or we start to take things away from you that you care about. See what happens. Good luck!

He's a Tween. Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
If you do a Google Search on "Tween development" many helpful articles will come up.

Foster child or not... what another phase huh?

all the best,
Susan

How about: Chill,mom
LAME!
REALLY???? (said with great sarcasm)
Bogus.
Oh! Wait! did you want respectful ways for him to say that? Sorry, I'm in a house with three teenagers-don't hear many polite comments when they don't like something. But I will anxiously read the other replies for help.
Whatever response you give him, it will probably be said in such a way that it will be just as annoying. Teen, preteen years are trying enough and this kid has been in foster care? I would require him to be respectful and let as many of the minor comments just slide off your back. So much about my teens rubs me the wrong way-which is basically how it is supposed to be-and vice versa- that it is best to choose your fights just like when they were little. I try to ignore a lot, come back to them with the same comments occasionally which makes them laugh or groan, and put my foot down when they are downright disrespectful.
It is his opinion-can't discount that. May be a stupid consequence but it is what it is.
Good luck.

I have this problem with my 8-year-old son(he has Aspergers/ADHD). When I ask him to do something, such as come to dinner or close the door, his instant response is either "you're an idiot" or a nonsense answer that rhymes but still sounds insulting. For example, if I tell him that his shoes are in front of the sofa, he responds by saying "you're a yofa".

I try to talk to him later when he's calm, like when we're in the car together. I let him know that I understand that he has trouble controlling his words, but he needs to make a plan ahead of time of something acceptable to say. He can't push my buttons by calling me names(not so for my husband). I want him to change his behavior because I care about his safety and future well being. This behavior can become a habit that will get him in trouble for the rest of his life. I ask him, what would happen if he met a policeman, the president, or a bully, and the first thing he said to them was "you're an idiot"?

I want him to come up with his own phrase and to practice saying it until it becomes a habit, instant and automatic since his brain is not able to think before he speaks. If he's not willing to come up with his own good idea for a response, then I tell him to say "I understand" as a delaying strategy until his brain catches up with his mouth. "Yes maam" is also a good response, I didn't grow up saying it myself, but it is appreciated by teachers.

I say "That's stupid" quite frequently. Because,. really, many things ARE stupid and there are only so many ways one can say that.

Encourage him to be understanding and responsible. If he feels it's stupid, then ask him what he thinks a fitting consequence would be. Make it a dialogue and all ow him his feelings. I'm guessing he's probably had a pretty rough life at this point.

Arguing over semantics isn't going to make his attitude change. Helping him cope with his attitude and giving him options and respecting his feelings is what will make it change.

Would it feel "cooler" to say it in a different language? "Je n'aime pas" (juh nahm-pah) is "I don't like it" in French. "No me gusta" (no may goostah) is "Don't like it" in Spanish.

If he's in the foster system I would bet he hasn't had a healthy parent relationship with a parent to teach him how to identify and communicate his feelings.

When my son hit about age four - he would get angry and frustrated we started getting reactions like "I hate you!" I sat down with him and told him he could tell us how he feels, but he didn't hate us and it's not fair of him to lash out in anger. I offered up that he could tell us we were making him mad, frustrated, etc. So now we hear things like "You guys are really making me mad."

I would offer to him that he can tell you how he really feels about it. "That's unreasonable. Thats unfair. I don't think I deserve that punishment. You're frustrating me. I don't like all the rules here." etc. Hopefully you guys can teach him how to identify his feelings and express himself, that is a skill that will benefit him for the rest of his life.

How about "that makes me feel frustrated". "that makes me feel angry". "That makes me feel like hitting something". There is nothing wrong with feelings. And if he tries "I feel that is stupid". Tell him stupid is not a feeling. Angry, mad, happy, sad, grumpy, are feelings. It is healthy to express your feelings.

I would suggest you think of letting him say "that seems stupid to me" and let it lie as his opinion. If you feel a need to reply to that then "your opinion on it doesn't change that this is the consequence".

Just a thought from my experience with my three boys (now 16, 11 and 8).

Good luck!

Would "I think that's stupid" be better? It is his opinion, after all.

My son would always respond to something he didn't like or didn't want to do, with screaming and throwing a fit. I have coached him repeatedly to respond with"no thank you" if it's something he doesn't want to do. Obviously, sometimes he doesn't have a choice but atleast he knows how to appropriately show his dislike to do something.

Or how about him saying something like, "I'm not a fan"!