Talk About GUILT! - ('M Not Cut Out to Be a SAHM)

I know you feel guilty, but DON'T! I was a SAHM for almost 4 years, and I wish I had gone back to FT work sooner. Yes, I feel guilty sometime, but I also felt guilty when my husband used to arrive home and I was literally waiting by the door to escape for any trumped up errand I could think of! I enjoy my kids more often than not now (although I still like my time away), and I love being far more financially stable and comfortable. It's so nice to go to "adult world" and just be myself. You're going to experience stress and guilt no matter what you do, so do the one that makes you happier! Funny isn't it how no one ever hears dads talking about how guilty they feel for working, huh?

What about enrolling him into daycare part time? My sitter has kids that come just when mom has appointments or needs a small break.

Maybe you could work part time. That way, you're still out there, but have more time at home with the kids. You probably won't get benefits, but you don't have any now. Or, perhaps some sort of work from home job. There are options, you just have to look for them.

No words of wisdom/experience from a mom perspective. I think that the price of being a mother is guilt.

But I do know that I experienced both as a child, and I greatly preferred when my mom worked. A bit of the old adage "when momma ain't happy..." She didn't have the time or energy to harp on how clean the house was or obsess. She was just happy to see us and spend time with us.

I remember in college running across a book called "The Good Mother" from the 30s, about a miserable stay at home mom who made everyone in her house neurotic because she had too much energy to be at home. In the end she went to work because the dad was disabled (he was home with the kids) and everything was much better. I remember thinking - that was my house! (minus the disabled dad...)

Moral of the story: being stay at home isn't for everyone, and if it isn't for you, you aren't doing anyone any favors by making yourself crazy.

I have always been a SAHM. I remember the thoughts and feelings of freedom as my oldest was starting school. The youngers could easily go to a daycare for an hour or two so I could go out to lunch with friends, etc. Then, we decided to try homeschooling. I had such a hard time adjusting to this loss of freedom, my personal pursuits, being trapped (I felt) by a schedule that made me very responsible for the education of my children every single day. I seriously debated whether or not I really wanted to do that. It was a major struggle for me. But, in the end, I decided that I didn't have children so that I could get out of the responsibility to raise them. I didn't have them just to send them away all day everyday so that I could have my freedom. That was my personal struggle. That first year was *HARD*! It was not fun at all. I was exhausted, tired, wanted a break, etc. I totally understand how you are feeling. But, I want to encourage you that it did get better. My new normal grew on me. I found ways to express my interests. I have grown to love my life at home with my children so much that I cannot fathom anything different. I want to encourage you to give it more time. You are still settling into this. And, with a new baby coming, you have more change to adjust to. Your sweet boy needs you every bit as much as your infant will. I truly do not believe it is better for littles to be in daycare. They don't need that type of interaction all day everyday. They don't even play together, they parallel play at that age. He needs his mommy to help teach him so many things that he needs to know, like how wonderful and truly special he is. Nobody can teach him that like you can. Blessings to you!

I have always been a working mom, I KNOW that being a SAHM was just not for me...basically for the same reasons you stated. My kids are now 12 and 9 (and a 15 yo step dtr) and I am home during the day since I have a job that I only need my laptop for and can do in my free time, as I wish. So I have the benefit of both making money, and being here when the kids leave for school and am here when they run in the door. I would not have it any other way!!! My kids did not suffer from being in daycare or after care. Do whatever you need to do to be happy, life is way too short to live it any other way. and you know the saying...IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY, AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY!!! Good luck!!!

I didn't read all the posts yet. I can relate to you very easily. I was a CPS worker in my state before having kids and there was a lot I liked about the job. But it is a really hard job--a lot of unpredictable overtime and emotional stress (I worked in a low income urban area). I decided that I could not stay at that job with young kids. But I am not entirely happy staying home either. Unfortunately it has been 5 years not 5 months for me. My second child just started preschool (older on in K) so I am trying to figure out what I can do part time in the same field. Eventually I will need to go back full time (for financial reasons) but it just isn't practical until both kids are in school.

I agree that being a SAHM is hard, isolating and sometimes frustrating. Sometimes it really is easier to be patient with other people's children if only because they are not driving you crazy 24/7. I suppose some people thrive on it but not everyone and certainly not always me. Please don't feel guilty about that! I thought I would both be better at it and enjoy it more too. I do enjoy being able to have time and do fun things with my kids. But other days are all struggle. I made up my mind it makes the most sense for me to be home now but not permanently which makes it easier to tolerate the rough days. Where you are with the ages of your kids makes a huge difference. I found toddlers to be a lot of work--lots of teaching and limit setting at that age. My son was tougher at all ages than my daughter so far. Also I found the first 6-12 months adjusting to the second baby very big adjustment for everyone. I don't think I could have managed very well if I had to work full time on top of that--though many people do manage. Preschool is great for kids even if you are home. But do not start the older one around the same time the new baby is born--do it a few months before or after.

One very enlightening book about all the societal guilt we get as mothers is The Mommy Myth. I have yet to meet a perfect parent (though there are lots of perfectionist parents around). It definitely isn't me! But there is so much pressure to try and be that "perfect" mother. Ditch the guilt. If you are happier and better adjusted as a working mom then do it that way. There is nothing wrong with doing what works best for you and your family. There are compromises in every situation.

Don't feel bad.

What some women fail to realize is that just because you CAN stay at home, doesn't mean you will be happy with it, or enjoy it, or be good at it. What some women also fail to realize is that just because it is right for them, doesn't mean it will be right for you.

I am totally with you. I worked until DD was 2.5, then stayed home for the next 3 years. I am now working part time & currently seeking full time work (DD is in school now). I know I am a happier person, and better mom when I have something other than domestic duties going on. I was bored out of my mind & unfulfilled as a SAHM. I, like you, am not patient, I am, not a perky "kid" person, I hate cleaning & cooking. I like the mental & social stimulation that working gives me, helping to pay the bills, the sense of accomplishment.

I know plenty of SAHMs who stay home because they can, but all they do is ignore their kids & play on the internet all day. I know working moms who spend more quality time with their kids than some SAHMS. At the end of the day, you need to do what works for YOU & your family, what makes everyone happiest.

Screw everyone else & their close minded opinions. So typical that some of the posters here had to "go there". Just a reminder that rudely trying to shove your viewpoint down people's throat probably isn't going to make the see or be open to your point of view, and just makes you look childish.

I have to tell you that I DO struggle with wanting to be a SAHM. I actually was much happier when I was a FT working mom, but the economics of working while paying for daycare for 2 kids is just insane, so I am at home.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to be a SAHM. In my opinion, we expect much more of our SAHMs these days than was expected when we were growing up--our lives are busier.

Please don't feel guilty, and don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty for wanting to go back to work. My husband has told me a few times that if I want to, I can go back to work. He knows that being a SAHM is very hard on me, and that I was actually a better wife and household caretaker when I was working FT. I feel the guilt too, so I'm still home, but more and more I am thinking about going back to work. (I also don't have close family nearby--my sister is around, but she operates 2 daycares and lives nearly an hour away.) I think the lack of family is a huge factor.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Perhaps you feel this way right now because your son is a toddler. Toddlers are tough on a SAHM, especially if you don't have a ton of patience. I'm a SAHM and I have never had the feelings that you are having so I don't really have any advice for you. If it were me, I'd continue to stay home, but you are you and must do what you feel is right. Maybe think of it this way.....How will you feel 5 or 10 years from now about your decision?

My answer is Yes. I've done WOHM full time - I've done SAHM full time (twice!) and I'm now WOHM 3 days per week. It doesn't matter - I feel guilty no matter what I do. I'm trying to balance as best I can. My husband doesn't like being the primary breadwinner so he wants me to work at least some...I'm not great at being SAHM full time but I want to be able to do some of the playdates that I think my 14 month old deserves (well, music together and some outside play). So now I'm working three days per week. My kindergartener goes to after care on those three days and my baby to daycare. I'm not doing great in my career because I'm only part-time and my house is a mess and my kids don't have the best routine. Oh well...

Kids are always going to be happy to see the parent who has been gone all day. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. They just need the change as much as you do! Aren't you thrilled that the other parent is there and you can "relax" a bit (or maybe just potty by yourself!)? You might benefit by looking at schedules that are available online so that you don't feel quite as scattered when you are home. They helped me feel more like we had a routine. Also, consider napping when your 19 month old is napping - being pregnant is exhausting!

Hang in there - there is no right or wrong. There is just doing the best you can today. C.

There is no shame (and should be no guilt) in knowing who you are & what you're good at. We're all different people. My very best friend planned & planned & planned so that when she & her husband had kids she would be able to stay home full-time & her husband ended up getting laid off shortly after their first was born. She didn't have a choice but to go back to work full-time to support the family. It took her years to be able to accept that her life had not turned out how she planned it. Me on the other hand? I was blessed to be in a similar situation to you & be laid off shortly after my 2nd was born. This enabled me to stay home with both of my kids for a full year during their baby-dom (they're only 17 months apart). It was wonderful & without a doubt the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. When it was time for me to go back to work yes I was sad & yes I felt guilt, but I was ready & so were the kids. I've definitely not got the temperment to stay home permanently & actually be happy doing it. I feel good going to work every day, my kids are well adjusted, & we can actually afford our mortgage.

You need to really think about what is best for you and your family. I admire you for having the courage to say all of this - it is VERY hard to be full time mommy! Perhaps you could find a way to have the best of both worlds - have you looked into any mommy and me or pre-k/day programs in your town? We had a PDO (parent's day out) and it was wonderful - my kiddo would go for a few hours in the morning - we'd have lunch - then naps - and then daddy was home. You still get the quality time you seem to crave - but without the day long torture of dealing with an 18 month old (tongue in cheek of course). It's good to know your limitations and it does NOT make you a bad mommy by any means. Good luck!

I didn't even want to read the other responses... I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're saying, and I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty about it. I know you said part-time isn't an option for you... that's what I was going to suggest. That is that that is the best of both worlds.

I think being a SAHM and doing it well is the hardest job there is. It really does take a very special kind of person to be able to do it and be happy doing it. And it doesn't have anything to do with how much you love your kids, or how organized you are or how hard the work is. It's just a whole combination of things that make some people able and willing to be SAHM. I could never do it, even though I run a home daycare. They are completely different things.

I don't have any advice except to say that you should feel guilty for doing what you feel is right for you and for your family. I know several Moms who feel that they are better parents because they have the outlet, identity, fulfillment or work. They are great parents and they cherish the time with their kids as quality time. FInd yourself and your kids a good provider and do what if right for you. I know you already know what that is.

Best of luck~

I so feel for you. Being a SAHM is very tiring, even with built in breaks. I tried it for a few months, and ultimately returned to work part time, slowly increasing my hours until I was back to full time work.
I would suggest that you try to focus on NOW, and know that you are in a phase. Soon enough you will be back at work (if that's what you choose) and you will look back on this time as uber special. I know I do :)

The best thing to remember is that you are always a full-time mom, even when you are working out of the home.

I think it's great that you are honest with yourself. There is no shame in honesty and every mommy is different.

Unfortunately, I have to work for economic reasons. I am currently unemployed and am cherising every second I have with DD. Yes, we have our days alright and I have to hear "where's Daddy" at least 10 times in a given 8-hour period. But I remind myself that I'd rather deal with that than dirty office politics. That's just me. I know I have to return to the office politics soon where other tantrums await.

Go easy on yourself.

You know, I felt just like that for a while.....

I am, like you... NOT made to be a SAHM and KNOW IT.

My son LOVES "school". He's excited to go. We have him in 3 full days a week. The other 2 days, he spends with grandma [my MIL]. She loves that she gets to spend some quality time with her only grandchild [by blood].

I so understand the concerns about 2 in daycare. My daughter is 8, so while she is NOT in daycare but is in school, she was in daycare/camp at the same place our son goes to daycare for the summer. It was as much as my friggen mortgage payment!!!! AND it was NOT 5 DAYS/WK!!!

However, maybe even if you cannot get your state job back, you could work PT. Work a few hours in the evening a couple days and one full day on a Saturday or something?

Then you wouldn't have to worry about the cost of daycare and the kids would get quality time with both you and your husband.

If my husband and I could afford for one of us to stay home [even part time stay home], we already have discussed that it would be my husband. : ) So, don't feel guilty. Mom's don't usually talk about how they don't feel they fit the "standard" role or feel comfortable with it.

PS- You don't have to work in your "field" to get out of the house and work PT. Being a parts delivery person [through AutoZone or the like] pays roughly $10/hr, it's easy, but it lets you get out and breathe too.

I'm not sure I have any real advice but I just wanted to say, I can completely sympathize. It is so hard, isn't it....and it really stinks that part time could not work out somehow. It seems like everything is set up for FT or nothing at all, you know? I have actually put off having a second child because of some of the issues you are bringing up. Anyway I will say this, reading your post it sounds like despite these fears and conflicted feelings, you actually seem fairly confident that returning to your state job (if it becomes available) is what you need to do. It sounds like all you can really do if you want to work in the meantime, is look for positions that would pay enough to make it worth your while to go back and have 2 in daycare. Good luck!

I think I understand what you are saying. Both jobs (SAHM and WOHM) require sacrifices. One of the things that happens really easily when you are a SAHM is the loss of self. I love being a SAHM but, I'm not going to sit here a lie and say I'm June Cleaver and my prearls are always on and my floors are always shiney. I'm not going to say there aren't times when I look around and realize that my life has completely gotten absorbed by the lives of my family or that my job has become completely monotonous. It hurts sometimes to know that I spend the most time, but daddy, because they miss him so he's kind of a treat, is the most beloved. I don't get the, "MOMMY!!" and run because I'm not the one walking in the door every night. People will say that it's wrong to feel this way, or that a person shouldn't feel this way, but I'm going to say that sometimes I feel this way. It can be lonely and overwhelming at times and it's okay to say that. It doesn't make me a bad mom or less than dedicated. It doesn't mean I don't love my children.

For me (and that's only for me) the benefits and what I get from this choice outway what the choice takes out of me. It may not feel that way to you, and you know what, HenrysMama, that's ok, too. I really do think that it's a personal choice. If what you are doing is making you unhappy, whether you work in the home or out of it, then you family will see that and feel that and, eventually, your kids will internalize that. Better to have a happy mom.

As a daycare compromise, when my kids were little and I went back to work (wasn't a SAHM until number 3 came along and couldn't afford daycare) I chose a state licensed in home daycare so it was as much like a home as possible. I didn't want something institutional. I looked for a provider that was gentle and nurturing and very maternal. If I couldn't give them me, I tried to give them a realistic alternative. When they were three I switched to a preschool setting.

Buck up, give yourself a break, get off your own case, and do what's best for you and makes the most sense for your family.

I wonder if some of your frustrations are also due to you being pregnant, maybe not feeling well and hormones and the like.

Aside from that, I totally get what you are saying. I am also not a good 'sahm'. I have a very hard time with structure and routine, something my kids need, and me too. I am an excellent worker outside the home, but here, it's a whole different game. I was about to return to work, then found out I am expecting number 3. No way a job I could get would pay enough to cover childcare for 3 children. So at home I will stay for the next few years :) Before I was pregnant that solved my dilemma, I tossed and turned and stressed over returning to work. I went on job interviews, updated my resume, some days had my husband's support, and other days he guilt tripped me too about the kids needing their mother more than a caregiver. It's a very tangled web! But for now, I am concentrating on staying patient and remaining structured. I am reading Dr. Sear's Discipline book and it has some great advice as well. One good thing for you, is to put your oldest in a mother's day out program twice a week, especially when the baby comes.

the only advice i can offer - is after doing this for ten years - you are at the hardest point with your sons' age and your pregnancy. it will get so much easier soon.... preschool is a beautiful thing....

I apologize for not reading other responses, so sorry if this is redundant. From my experience, SAHM is the hardest job! I was laid off from my full time job when my kids were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. I was so stressed from being unemployed, stressed from having 2 such young kids and I felt unprepared to be this person! Now that my kids are 11 and almost 13, I look back and wish I could have a do-over! I LOVED being home w/ them, but it took me years to learn the patience I needed then. I now run a home daycare and sometimes feel guilty for having more patience and doing a better job w/ other peoples kids. The first year or two of being a SAHM is definitely the toughest.

Don't be hard on yourself...speaking for myself, I wondered the same thing way back when...now, I can't IMAGINE not being here! I actually start to have anxiety at the thought of working outside the home and not being here for my kids.

Hang in there...but if a job comes up that works for you and your family, do NOT feel bad taking it...some mamas are better mamas w/ a lil time away from their kids. Doesn't make you a bad mom...each person is different. and it takes a lot of courage to admit that you might not be **gasp** perfect! ;) I wish you all the best!

O, and that being said, if it weren't for working mama's and daddy's, I would not have a job!!! :)

i think to each their own, i was homewith my daughter for a while and loved all of that yet still was happy to hand her off and work from home wn her dad got home. then i worked 20-30 hours per week and LOVED that because i got to get off at 2ish every day and take her to museums and the park...now i'm a single parents and work full time and miss that time with her soooo much! BUT to each their own! I feel I'm a bad f/t working parent b/c before i had so much energy and was the parent running up and down the slides chasing kids now after work i'm so tired and don't want to play=( If work will make you happy, then work will make your baby happy. Also gym memberships arent that much and they have daycare, youd get a 2 hour break every day!

See I am the girl who can't fully commit either way. I stayed home for 9 mos and went insane. I worked the 10-6 (with an hour commute each way) and cried because I could not be with my babies. I have a crazy schedule (according to some) but it works for me and I love it. We have balance and my kids are well rounded. Most often when we have family time (which is on a regular basis) it is great (hey we have our ups and downs). I totally respect each individual family's decision that is right for their family. But you will have to find out what works for your family. The rough part is it is difficult to find something that fits. For me personally this is what works:
Hubby works M-F 5a-130p. On occasion he has to go in at midnight. I work M/TH 3p-9p T/W I work 10 or 11a until 630p. F I work 130p-730p. So I can take DD1 to school every day and DD2 to preschool when she goes MWF And I can pick up DD1 on minimum day TH. I can pick up DD2 on MF. My sister watches DD2 on T/W but I do pay her. I do miss dinner and bedtime on M/TH and Dinner on Friday However I do have dinner with my family TW and we all have the whole weekend together. Hubby picks up DD1 from school MTWF. My schedule will not work for everyone. We are fortunate that we have the same employer and are able to switch out our kids with one another so DD2 is ONLY in childcare 2 days/week. (previously she was going to a babysitter's the days my sister watches her but I didn't want her going there anymore. she kind of out grew it. But I pay my sister the same as I paid them. The bust is now I don;t get the tax write off). The key here is we got creative and found solutions. This has not always worked. Sometimes there are extra minimum days and I have to make other arrangements. Sometimes I have to work at other times and have to make other arrangements. So my exact scenario may not work for your family but it can be done. I am sure you can find something to do on the side of being SAHM. NOt because SAHM is lame or anything of the sort but because you need it for YOU (to stay sane. And hey the extra income wouldnt hurt either). So hang in there and get creative. You WILL find something that works for your family. And congrats on baby #2! HUGS!

I understand your problem. Have you considered a mothers day out program. They are not available where I am but even childcare where you can drop off once or twice a week. Maybe you could work part time or prn at a hospital as a social worker. At least untill you have your second child then decide what is best for you and your family.

For the home organization part I REALLY reccomend FlyLady. You don't have to drink the koolaid and buy everything she sells, but she has some AWESOME ideas and strategies!

This is one of those areas where there is NO right decision-- there's only making a decision and doing your best to make it right! And guilty is the default setting of ALL moms-- stay at home, working away from home or the middle of the roaders who work part time or work at home. There are very few moms who DON'T feel guilty about something, -- and you may have met some of THEM through CPS!

Audiobooks are my friend! There is something sanity saving about having an adult voice talking about adult things that's completely mobile (yes I'm the one walking around with the MP3 player all the time-- 1 ear for the audiobook the other ear for the kid!) AND you can get them FREE at the library! You can either check out the ones on CD, rip them and load them onto your player or a lot of public libraries have downloads available.

And, in MY opinion your son is at an extremely TRYING age! I LOVED having a little baby. I like having an almost 4 year old. I'm desperately TRYING to forget everything in between!

Maybe the key will be to find balance. How about getting a part-time or work from home opportunity a couple of days and week and allow Henry to attend a Mother's day out program a couple of times a week (9-2)? This will give you some time to your self and allow him to still get the social developments that he needs. Hopefully, it will help you keep your sanity as well. I hope this helps.

I totally get how you feel. I've been home for 3 YEARS and I still have struggles lol. I'm grateful yes, but it is so hard when you're used to working and bringing in a decent income. I get so exhausted with feeling like every living thing in this house is in constant need of SOMETHING from me. Most of the time when I go to the bathroom I have 2 of the 3 kids in there, the dogs, and half the time my husband yelling "Where are you?" aaaaahhhh

My ONLY adult outlet most of the time is this sight or facebook. Pathetic lol. We've tried playdates, but I have little tolerance for kids hitting, biting or pushing mine. So alot of times I avoid it. I rarely get out of the house alone. And I think my 3 year old definitely gets bored. But it is helpful that he's going to preschool now.

Would working part time be an option for you? Maybe that way your older child can get the benefit of being around other kids. I think all the time about going back to work too. For the mental stimulation, the extra money, break in the monatany etc. But I struggle with all the same issues as you. By the time I'd pay for the 2 youngest ones to be in daycare, I wouldn't be profitting much. And I'd feel awful leaving them.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Give it time and check out all your otions. I'm sure it work itself out!

For me being a mom is not a glamorous job or one full of "I love Yous" or full of accolades or full of self fulfillment. I do it because it is what my husband and I decided is best for our family,our marriage and our home. I personally find much peace and joy being home. When I need a break...I take one. I think you are looking to escape the hum drum of your day.

I personally love being a SAHM. It doesn't mean I don't have days that I want to pull my hair out or feel unappreciated. But then there are so many other perks to this "job". I have so much flexibility with my time. I have so much more time in the day to get household chores done or the fun,creative aspects of our lives like parties. I personally like that I decide how our kids eat, their sleep schedule, potty training etc. I don't want to feel the pull of the job against the pull of my family's needs.

For us it just makes our home a peaceful,fun and organized place to be when there is one person that has the pulse on the heart of the home.

You are in a very stressful and time consuming season in your life with toddler and being pregnant with baby coming soon. I understand your struggle...I have been there. It is hard when your little ones depend on you for everything..food..drink..diaper change. It gets easier as they get older if you have taught them all along the way to be independent, self sufficient,respectful ...it does get easier and you aren't sooo exhausted and mentally drained. My baby is 5 now!!

I won't tell you what to do. You need to decide what is best for you, your husband, your home, your kids and your mental and physical health. But I can tell you I have no guilt for my decision to be home full time. They are home for such a short time..I have the rest of my life to pursue jobs,education etc. Heck..they are in school now and I use some of that time to do things I love to do. You can do that even when kids are young. Take an exercise class, take a night class, go out with girlfriends for a couple hours, swap babysitting each week with a friend to get a break.

Good luck and best wishes!!

Is working Part Time an option? Gets you out of the house and feeling more productive, generates a little more income, allows Henry to go back to daycare, even if only part time? Just a thought.