Taking Control of My Almost 6 Year Old

I would suggest that if you feel she is acting out more since the new baby, maybe she needs more one-on-one positive attention - like doing something fun and special, just the 2 of you.

Otherwise, you need to make it very clear to her that these behaviors are unacceptable and if she chooses to act this way, and not be in control of herself, there will be consequences. Those consequences must be clear, firm, and consistent. You don't have to yell, but you do need to remain calm and in control and really, just matter-of-fact - "Well, since you decided to call me names, you will spend some time alone in your room until you can decide to apologize and be nice."

I found 2 books that I found immensely helpful and insightful - they are "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan and "Disciplining Your Strong Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie. My daughter is going to be 4 next month, and very strong-willed herself, but by following some the guidelines in these books, she's getting better about cooperating when I need her to and not arguing back so much. Fortunately she's never hit me, called me a bad name, or even said "I hate you!" and I am hoping she never will because I'm letting her know NOW that I won't stand for it! I can also recommend "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Fabler and Mazlish.

Love and Logic...it's a no yelling approach to parenting. They also have a facebook page!

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Positive? What is more important to you, being "positive" or getting this under control? You can't have both with a spirited kid, assuming you've tried to be positive up to this point.

If you buckle down and remain positive most of the time, but then calmly, effectively DISCIPLINE her when needed (no yelling, no anger, just immediate firm action followed through from clear calm warnings), not look for nifty positive alternative ways AROUND discipline, THEN you can relax and enjoy your daughter. But as long as she's running the show while your goal is to be the nice guy, this will only get worse until she's a teenager and then forget it. She will never look back and thank you for being lenient and positive. I've seen this play out thousands of times. You know who loves and respects their parents? Kids who were disciplined. Not abused, but disciplined firmly within loving homes. Effective discipline leads to LESS discipline and more respect and positivity. Ineffective discipline leads to more and more bad behavior.

Peers on the bus? NO excuse. My kids are surrounded by naughty behavior all the time. Doesn't matter, they know how they should act.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is excellent for her age, but she's getting on the older side and is way set in her ways, so you may need to be firmer and use more repetition than the book recommends than if she was 3, and she may get worse before she gets better to try to scare you away from taking charge. But it will work if you do it. Read about it on Amazon.

Start keeping her with you more as you do housework. Even if you are doing housework, have her help you. If she won't help, have her sit there, even if she whines. As you are going about your work, talk to her about everything and anything you are doing. Sweeping "I love this broom. I picked it b/c it was wider than the other brooms". Laundry "this shirt is still damp! I'm going to hang it up so it can dry more". The baby "this baby is always hungry! You were a hungry baby. You loved to eat crackers". etc.

Do more activities together, even if it means spending a whole chunck of day together. Play games and instruct her every single step "what color would you like? I'll be red. Do you like red? I know you like yellow."

Talk talk talk to her.

My point is - somewhere down the line she has chosen to let other people influence her rather than her own mother. So of course she is listening or observing the behavoir of others rather than you. So this will help you take as step back, phase out some of the negative influence she has chosen to follow, and "reintroduce" you to her.

gl!

The Love and Logic parenting books are good.

Observe carefully, see what's motivating her, and use that information to craft appropriate penalties. Experiment with different disciplinary tactics. Give each tactic a solid week of absolutely consistent implementation. If you haven't seen improvement by then, try something else.

If *nothing* works, consider the possibility of physical, sensory, or learning problems. Sleep deprivation can be an issue too.

Good luck.

Calm, consistent, and firm.

If she refuses to do something, she needs to understand the consequence of not listening to you (no park with friends the next day, no dessert, no TV...whatever)...and then let HER make that choice. If she's rude, tell her that you're going to ignore her until she is nice...and then DO IT.

If you don't engage her with these little battles, she'll fall into step on her own. It's your choice what you determine is acceptable behavior from her. You just have to make sure that you're calm when you give her options, and accept whatever choice she makes. If you don't fight every battle, you can win the war. Just change your strategy.