Taking Advantage or Not? Maybe I Am Just Irritated. . .

I would say to tell her no once in a while (like when it requires extra running on your part). Such as you were already on the road and didn't have to go back by your house and now she wants you to pick her child up (not arranged ahead of time)...tell her that you would be happy to bring her back home but she will need to bring her and get her started.

She helped you when you needed it. Help her when she NEEDS it, but that doesn't have to mean on her every whim.

You could also not reply to last minute texts. If she makes them in person or on the phone you can say "Oh, if only you had asked in advance. Now I can't.". Doing that a few times will either help her plan in advance or take care of things herself.

I wouldn't say anything directly yet bc no matter how nicely you say it, she may get upset. So I would just act like you didn't get the text or phone message until it's too late. I personally often don't answer our phone... Then say later "I'm sorry! I usually can help. But I was busy w/ xyz so didn't get your text until just now. I wish you'd let me know earlier" If the daughter comes over, say you're running out too in 1/2 hour so can't. I wish you'd let me know earlier. I'd see if she starts to learn from missed opportunities. And in other conversations, you could try working in that you're a planner. Maybe your husband's not and you could compare yourself to him. Make it unrelated to you and her but letting her know what you're like may help too.

maybe she is seeing this as you paying her back for all of the times that she carted your daughter around to her activiites??? You said yourself that you wanted to repay her by babysitting for her but it wasn't that often. She probably feels that this is the kind of friendship that you have now-one where you do eachother favors like this. Just because it isn't as necessary for you now it may still be to her. Never cancel plans to help her-you should have told her that you had plans. It just builds up the resentment...you do not have to be a martyr for her. And you should feel free to still ask her to take your daughter to practices as well.

You are the only one who can say if you're being taken advantage of. So, are you? If you think you are, then you are! If you don't feel that way, then you aren't. (you seem to feel that way, from your post.) This isn't about her, it's about you not being able to set boundaries. If what she asks isn't convenient, all you have to do is say, "Sorry. I can't." Period. Any conversation past that only opens the door for discussion. " I have to go to X." "Well, can you do it after that?" " No, I have to go to Y." "Well, can you do it after that?" " Uh, yeah, I guess I can." Gotcha! When you say no and let it hang there, she has nowhere to take the conversation. It's even easier by text.

Sounds like you repaid your debt to her I would say the next time you get a last min text...and it isn't an emergency just say no. You don't have to give an excuse you can say no. You can say no not today but next week I can take her.
This will give you some peace of mind and help her say no to her own child as well.

I think if it's not out of your way (like the marital arts class, which you were attending anyway) go ahead and do it. If it is (staying home instead of going out, or going out when you were intending to stay home), go ahead and say that you're sorry but you won't be able to do it this time. You don't have to make an excuse, by the way. Say you have other plans (which is true) and she doesn't need to know that your plan is to stay home and watch TV. This way, you'll still occasionally help out your neighbor, but you don't have to consider this "debt" as taking precedence over things you want to do. I also agree with others that you can ignore a text or phone call until it's too late and then say (with regret) "I wish you had contacted me earlier!" Good luck.

This is a tough one. I think your friend has no idea how inconvenient it is to be asked last minute to watch her daughter. The only way she will know is if you tell her. Being tactful is the difficult part. Maybe just flat out tell her that you love her daughter and she is always welcome but you need a little heads up. Let her know that spontaneity stresses you out. Keeping the balance of feeling like you 'owe' someone or they 'owe' you is a tightrope walk. Always tricky.

I would invite her for coffee or tea and come up with a reasonable schedule. Seriously... her lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part BUT you always say "yes", so she may not feel like she's imposing.

Get on the computer and print out a blank calendar for the rest of November and all of December. Sit down together and look at when you can do the carpool versus when she will do the carpool. If she needs you to babysit weekly b/c she needs to run errands, then I would suggest picking two days per month that you will watch her daughter so that she can run errands and schedule appointments. She can then pick two days to do the same for you. Believe me, if I knew that I had two days per month to get my appointments scheduled without worrying about childcare, I would cram them in!

Put it on the calendar and then make her a copy. Do this each month and stick to it! Emergencies happen, but if she's being flakey and you have something else to do, say "no" and stick to it!

People can only take advantage of you if you allow them to.

When you can take or pick up help out with stressing you out AND you want to .. then by all means do it.. When it is not convenient, too stressful or whatever, just say sorry, can't this time.

I was a SAHM for most of our daughters school years and that is how I handled it.. I also made sure everyone knew I loved to help out, but if I couldn't, I was going to be honest. I also truly never expected to be repaid for any of these favors.

My mom was a single divorced parent and I remember how guilty she felt asking for help. I never wanted any of these parents to feel that way. And I told them never feel guilty for asking for help and I will not feel guilty asking either..

I have an only child (almost 16) and we are planners. I don't think your issue is because this kid is an only child. I think the issue is the child's mom.

For starters, we have a lot going on and most of the time, since I am the SAHM actually run our business from home mom, I am usually the first one called to assist with a trip to cheer, school, ballgame, etc. I don't mind at all, as long as I have a bit of notice and it does not make me late for something. i am a stickler for no tardiness.

We have taken best friends on vacations, zoo, concerts, circus, you name it on our tab and we never expect reciprocation.

Sounds like the child is being shuffled a lot. I believe you may be taken advantage somewhat by this mom because she picks up that you feel guilty that your daughter has had a lot of benefits from that family.

I realize that it adds to frustration when your husband is deployed. Thank you to your husband.

It works both ways, most of the time it evens out in the long run, however, if you are ever uncomfortable or just don't want to do something....speak up....say no.

Sometimes, you have to learn to say no.

This is a complex question in a certain sense and I can understand your difficulty in sorting it all out.

After being in situations like this (though not exactly like yours because we are not military - God bless you) I've developed a philosophy that is fairly simple. I am responsible for my own children and their comings and goings. Work, other commitments, etc. - they all come behind getting my children where they need to go. It is NEVER anyone else's responsiblity. If somebody does help, or we have a carpooling arrangement - great. But that's more like icing on the cake.

Based on that foundation, I've started to handle other people's needs the same way. It is NEVER my responsibility (unless I make it mine, and even then it is subject to revocation due to change in plans). I try to let people know this up front (in a diplomatic way).

Just because she has helped you in the past does not mean that you have to be her door mat forevermore. You need to re-train her in how to treat you and have respect for your life and your time. Stop answering last minute texts. Reward her if she asks in advance so that you can plan. Be nice about it the whole time - nice but FIRM.

Good luck with this - it's tricky I know.

I found myself in a slightly similar pattern a few years ago. Not to the extent of your issue, but I did have a neighbor who would occasionally throw off my plan by asking me to pick up her child or something like that. I didn't mind doing it, I just with I'd gotten advance notice, like you. So I started pre-empting her. I'd call her in the morning and say "I'm picking up the girls today, so you want me to grab your child while I'm there?", "Is Mary going to gymnastics this afternoon? I'd be happy to take her, just bring her over to my place by x o'clock." Often she would take my up on the offers, sometimes she'd actually offer to do the driving herself and get my child. But the end result was that I KNEW in advance what was going to happen. If I knew about her plans in advance, I'd say something like "Will you need me to watch Mary while you're at your appt? I just like to know in advance so I can plan my day." Pre-empting her requests plus saying "sorry, I just can't squeeze in picking up your child and still not be late, I wish I'd known earlier that you needed me to do that today..." a couple of times did the trick. My neighbor, who I also absolutely loved, eventually got in the habit of checking with me in advance if she needed something. And we never, ever stopped being friends and no feeling were hurt.

My suspicion is that she is in one of two phases:

1) OMG... that's right! G.'s job changed! >>> last minute call to G.

2) Guilt. When parents are used to being the ones to do all the schlepping, a sudden change in their ability to do so can create "blinders". They don't WANT to call anyone because it's "their" job to take care of it... so they procrastinate until the last minute to call and ask... because they don't WANT to be in the position to have to ask. I've found this stage lasts 3-6 mo on average. It tends to be a hallmark of people who do NOT want to take advantage of their friends/family but haven't quite figured out how to get around the guilt of simply needing to call and ask. ((My mum was one of these people. She was always home / the one doing the schlepping or neighborhood babysitting, but when circumstances altered so that *she* needed a favor, more often than not, we'd just miss the class... because she was too embarrassed to call. Or she'd call at the last minute after trying to work her schedule every which way to be in 2 places at once because it took the adrenaline of the deadline being right on her for her courage to get up enough to phone.))

Now... she could just be doing "turn about is fair play" after a year of watching your daughter and taking her to classes each and every time, but since that's not useful (aka you can't do anything about that) AND she's proven herself to be of an enormous help to your family I would hope it's one of the two above options.

Either one just means a "Hey Suzie! PLEASE don't hesitate to call me, but the earlier the better. I'm still getting used to being home/able to schlep... so as much advance notice as possible while I'm new at this is super helpful. I get a little overwhelmed with last minute things since this is all pretty new to me still."

I know it is frustrating to you because your husband is not home and I'm sure you worry about him, but then on top of it all you are having short notices to watch your neighbor's kids. However, when she was watching your daughter or having her over to her home you have to ask yourself this: 1. did you ever ask on her with short notice?
2. was your child invited over or did she just go?
3. were the activities with both girls planned in advance?

Although it is nice to have someone to help you, there is a fine line of taking advantage of someone. You may not have family there or a lot of friends and your husband may not be home right now, but you also need time to relax and have time with your kids. I believe you should invite the neighbor over for brunch and sit down to talk with her in a kind manner. Say, "Susan (or whatever her name is) I really appreciate all your help and all the times you watched my child and I love your child too; but is there a way we can plan certain days in advance for me to pickup your child. If there is a true emergency i don't mind at all helping you out, but i'm feeling a bit stressed right now. Can we workout a schedule on pickup days? and your child is always welcome here."

Something around those lines. I'm sorry you feel taken advantage of because in a way you are being taken advantage of because your readily available. I hope everything works out for you.

Hi there,

wow, that's a confusing situation. I have a question which i felt wasn't answered by your post. Do you like her (the neighbour mom)? If so, how much? Did you feel like she was likeable right away, are you naturally a good pair, friends?

If you like her, talk about this honestly. Tell her what's great and what's hard. Tell her how you wish things were. Ask her what she feels and thinks, and wishes.... Become vulnerable, so she will (if she's worth the risk), and try to get this energy draining situation resolved in order to roam and live freely, and in good connection to her.

Oh, and if you don't like her that much (enough to get close to her), then she is probbly a good way to learn to say "no". That os such a hard one! It helps me to remember that "No." may be the shortest complete sentence there is.... It also helps me to think that i am grateful if i hear an honest "no" -- i'd hear that much rather than feeling i've made someone unhappy. So, honour your freinds with your honest "no". They may feel that you value them, respect them, because they are grown up enough, and real to take it. Oh an i do completely disagree with the posters who suggested lying and dishonesty as a cop-out. If you want to grow (and i believe that is something humans want deep down), stay honest.

Good luck!
D.

It sounds to me like you're feeling bad about doing all of these things when you are letting them happen. Just say no when you don't want to do it. You control this situation and there's no problem with you wanting to do things with just your kids sometimes. Find a good balance that works for you and then stick to it.