Switching "Modes"

In my marriage, sex last thing at night hardly ever worked. Go to bed, get some rest, and have sex in the morning!

And yes, I very much agree with the suggestion to have him take care of the kids' bedtime several times a week.

I am so interested to read what other women write. I tell you this issue has almost got me in counseling. I am to the point where if my husband grabs me in an inappropriate way one more time when I am wearing my rubber gloves and doing something like scrubbing the tub or cleaning the kitchen I may lose my mind! I've explained to him that it would be like me coming down to his office while he's trying to work and making sexual comments or grabbing him. He fails to see the distinction. But he will feel very insulted and rejected if I ever spurn a sexual advance no matter when it's put out there. I guess the only thing I've done so far is just explain to him that when I'm at "work"...hell, let's just say WORK, no quotes, I need my space and to be treated as if I'm working.
As for making the switch at night after bedtime, well, I have never been able to give myself time to wait an hour or take a long bath to get into sexy wife mode, because I am damn tired and want to go to bed. So I have learned to make a quick switch for the night and sometimes just fake it til you make it...and usually I'm able to switch gears.
I just read over my response and I don't think I've really given you any advice, J., but it sounds like there are at least 2 of us with this same issue.

I'm impressed you HAVE a sexy wife mode! With my 3 young boys, I fear that side of me is long gone. At least until they can take care of themselves. I think you're doing great! Just explain to your husband that you are not a light switch, that you need time to phase, and that some nights it's just now going to happen. Find other ways to let him know that he is special, like make him his favorite meal or dessert, or write him a very personal note from whatever mode you think he would like.

Since my husband and I are actively trying for #2 and because I have some infertility issues to deal with -- I consistantly find myself having to "take one for the team" and get in the mood.

Like you, my husband likes to be playful during times like doing the dishes or getting ready in the morning. I think for him it is a little bit about me showing him that he is more important than ANYTHING else --- for 2 mins. Initially I pushed those moments off and was irritated because I had things to do. And at night after our son was in bed I was tired and wasn't up for playing. However, I realized that our intimate relationship got better when I made time a few moments a day to actually STOP everything else and just kiss, hug, or generally touch and talk/listen to my husband. He seemed to feel better and those irrating moments or pressure at the end of the day subsided a little.

That isn't to say though that I don't have to work to be "in the mood" for other adventures sometimes.

For starters I'll tell you that my husband and I have been there, and still struggle with this sometimes. I also second the idea of having a good talk with him, and a date night for the two of you to just focus on each other.

There is so much to write...the frustrating thing is if I start trying to tell you what I've learned, I'm not sure I will do it right. The basics is that men are hard-wired to feel appreciated and accepted through sexual means. When that need is met, they are more emotionally supportive. Women are hard-wired to feel desired through emotional support and appreciation. When that need is met, they feel more sexual. You have to find a balance between making your husband know you find him attractive and sexual all the time (a PP suggested just a couple minutes a day) so he is more emotionally supportive to you, and he needs to show you appreciation so you feel more sexual towards him all the time, not just when the kids are occupied. There are so many layers to this issue, and I'm really not qualified to try to explain it, but there is a course you can take from a group called Life Skills International http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/ . It's called "Learning to Live, Learning to Love." It has helped my husband and I immensely and I think it could probably help you and your husband. The centers are listed according to state here http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/CenterDirectory.html so you can see if there is one near you...I drove 45 minutes one way to get to my classes, and it was worth it. Even if just you take it, it will do you a world of good. My husband fought tooth-and-nail for two years not to go trough the course, but I finally got him to, and it's been a miracle for our marriage. In the immediate future, you can read a good book called "The Five Love Languages." Good Luck.

HI J.,
I have been married for almost 20 years and have four kids, one with special needs. Believe me, I have been where you are now and my hubby and I have made it through the hard times. I shared your comment with my hubby and he quickly answered, "maybe daddy needs to get into 'daddy-mode' more often to help you get her into 'sexy-wife-mode' more often." Of course - it took him until the fourth child to get that concept himself ... so don't think he is a saint yet. Good advice - but of course you cannot control your husband or force him into "daddy-mode" if he doesn't want to go there, but a gentle (let me emphasize "gentle") suggestion for his benefit might help.

So - what can you do yourself to help the situation - it may take some time and some practice, and it may seem weird at first, but try blending the "mommy/sexy-wife" modes. There is nothing wrong with your children seeing some affection and love between you and your husband. It is helathy for them as long as it is not over-done. My kids have learned to accept (although as teenagers now they say "get a room" if they see us kiss) that we are intimate, loving, and yes, sexual adults in a committed marriage. It actually gives kids security to know that their parents love eachother and are not afraid to show it off in appropriate ways. The number two fear that kids have is divorce, and your PDA in the home will help let them know that your marriage is secure.

One other thing - if possible, take some time away (like a few days or a week) from the kids for you and your hubby to focus completely on one another. The first two or three days are great, but when you start to miss the kids, it creates a bond between you both as parents that I cannot put into words.

Best wishes! Hang in there!

simply explain it to him ,like you explained it to us, and then tell me that if he helped you finish the last few chores of the night- like putting the kids to bed and starting the dishwasher that it would be easier to turn into sexy lady instead of mama person. Also telling him how sexy he looks when he is helping is good too.

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This is a common struggle, it is hard to just forget about all the home tasks & child(ren) needs when it is bed time.

Hubby and I sat down and talked about what he wanted (how many times) and what I wanted (or more what I would be able to do since most of the time I am tired and hard to get out of mommy mode). He was thinking twice a week, I was more like twice a month. We talked through it and factored in that time of month, which only leaves approx. 3 weeks and I work nights a few times a week so we agreed that we will try twice a month but for sure once a month I make sure my hubby's sexual needs are met.

After the talk we also make a point to have date night once or twice a month so we can feel closer. I have also found a glass or two of wine or beer really helps me let go of all other thoughts and makes it easier to switch to sexy wife mode.

When my daughter is around and awake I have told hubby kisses and hugs are fine but anything beyond that actually turns me off because I think it is inappropriate with a little one around.

I would try doing the date night, just so you can have time with him with out the children. I need intimacy to be in the mood... what works for me is watching a short movie while cuddling before bed. If he were to help with the kids more at bedtime, and give you some alone time to bathe, or unwind would it help? It would help me, but as much as I ask for it... I would think he would get it but he doesn't.

No advice -- Just an "Amen sister!"

While I reeeally appreciate that my husband finds me so irresistible; even after 14 years, two kids, and a long day at work, I reeeally don't want him kissing and caressing me while I wash dishes, make dinner and deal with homework. I keep telling him taking out the garbage is much hotter the a kiss.

J. - you hit the nail on the head with that one. You'll have quite a few posts soon enough with women singing the same tune. I cut and pasted what you wrote and what Kathy wrote and emailed it to my husband. Last night I don't even remember going to bed I was so tired. Hubby has been feeling frisky for the past couple days and I'm just trying to find a balance but not doing very well. I work full-time and the house is a mess even after I clean up lol. All I can do is laugh and hope for the best.

Wow two autistic boys!! You have a lot on your plate. My 7 yr old granddaughter is also autistic and my daughter is a single parent.
I think the problem lies with him more than with you. How much help is he with the boys? Children are a time consuming and energy draining and when they are special needs it is worse. Now don't think I regret being a parent, I don't, but facts are facts. He needs to learn to be more interactive with the kids and be able to take over part of the time. This will give you the chance to be a sexual being and take care of you. You also need to be able to show affection to your husband in front of the kids. I don't mean passionate kisses and ripping off clothes but kissing and a pat on the backside and hugging are all okay in front of the kids.
We live in Wisconsin and there are several Autisim groups here and there is a chance that you can get respite care for they boys so you two can go out and date again or just stay home and re-connect. Check with the schools and social services to see what programs are available where you live.

How much help do you have with the boys? Is it possible for the two of you to have a date night once a week? Once a month? For some parents of autistic kids, even 15 minutes of time to focus on each other is a luxury. If that's all the time you have for each other, I'd suggest listening to each other. Set a timer so one of you can talk for 10 or 15 minutes. The other one listens lovingly, not interrupting, just hearing, and NOT thinking about what they're going to say about what they hear. When it's your turn, you can tell him how you'd like his help when you're busy with the boys, how you feel when he wants your attention, how tired you get, etc. Then when it's his turn to talk, really listen to his side of it. See if you can help each other to get through these few difficult years.

I totally relate to this, but apparently men don't get it. Between working full time and caring for a child, the husband came last. It wasn't intentional, but there was no way to change my priorities. Ultimately, he found someone else to fulfill his "needs" and that ended our marriage.

Why not try a date night once a week where the kids are taken care of and the 2 of you can just focus on you as a couple. Maybe he would be more understanding if he knew he had "his" night to look forward to.

Somewhere I read statistics that couples married 10+ years average sex just 2x a month, so he'd be mighty lucky with 1x a week! lol