*SWH Added Come On, Men Aren't THAT Stupid!

Here's what you need to do. Two weeks before Christmas, remind him of yesterday's conversation and tell him exactly what you want him to do. Write it on his calendar or text it to him. Don't be afraid that doing so is going to take the magic away. Not doing so is setting him up to fail. What to you have to lose?

Wow, S.. I'm really sorry that this continues to happen and just want to send a "hug" your way. I have no understanding of why, after talking to him, counseling, older kids intervening, that your husband refuses to acknowledge your special days. After all, that's what it's really about, isn't it? Just some small acknowledgement for all you have done, all you have continued to do for your family.

After 20 years and no sign of change on his part, I think what I would do in your shoes is just take matters into your own hands. If you want to go to brunch on Mother's Day, you make the reservations and tell him that's what you're doing. For your birthday, buy yourself something that you would like. Just say, "I know you don't enjoy shopping for presents, so this is what I'd like for my birthday this year." Then go get it. I know you'd rather have it come from him, but since it's not, you should at least do or have something that makes you happy on your special days.

If he is wonderful in every other way but this, and this is something you've decided is not worth ending your marriage, then take charge and make yourself happy! You certainly do deserve it!

The only way you are going to get over this is to not so much LOWER your expectations as to take over and just do what you want.
My guys built me a nice raised garden bed out of cinder blocks - my old wooden one had rotted out.
I bought the blocks and brought them home 20 at a time (son unloaded them - Hubby pays the bill for that credit card), I got the bags of dirt, and any other supplies I needed.
And then yesterday my Hubby and son spent about 4 hrs leveling and squaring up my bed and assembling it.
I'm THRILLED with it!
It's beautiful!
I just now planted tomatoes, basil, zucchini, beets and sugar snap peas.
In no way am I disappointed in the least that I got the supplies together.

So - decide what you want - and either buy it yourself, or make the reservations - and you'll be SURE to get exactly what you want - and Hubby can celebrate with you.
He's just not able to plan or think ahead about these things.

Next year - make reservations for a nice restaurant - put it on the calendar - have Hubby and the kids dress up - Hubby's driving - and you ENJOY yourself - have a margarita or two and relax!

Additional:
So basically - you're doing what you've done before - and you're hoping for different results.
I really hope he steps up and actually does something different.
But if not - you need to step away from getting all upset over this.
If it's not a deal breaker - then let it go and think of all the other reasons you have to love him in spite of this.

ETA: So, according to your SWH, none of our suggestions are things you "want to do". I'm not being nasty here-- but really? You'd rather keep trying in the way it's obviously not working and "we'll see at Christmas" than just accept he really stinks at this part of the relationship? It's not baffling to 'plan' your day-- just do it! I think YOU are making this harder. No one is saying a whole gender out there is insensitive, no one is defending him.... but we are saying "Hey, it sounds like it's time to change the game plan" and you want to stick with something which isn't working. Forgive me, but that *simply doesn't make sense*. Personally, I really dislike things which don't make sense. I have a rather strong antipathy toward it. We gave you suggestions, consolations-- but you still have this ideal which, at this point, is a bit like the definition of insanity-- to continue doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. Acceptance is a lovely thing if one chooses to embrace it. You are deciding that you can only be happy with this one, single way. You are limiting yourself.

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I'm sorry-- that has got to be disappointing.

May I suggest you look after yourself next year? Tell him, "I'm planning XYZ for myself on Mother's Day." Tell your kids that if they need you around for something to just let you know what time they'd like you to be available. Then, schedule some things you would like to do.

Sometimes, when we are mad at others for not honoring us, it's a great idea to just honor ourselves in the way we like. Of course, you would like that direct appreciation from him, but now you've learned that's not likely to happen. My husband is great about holidays, but I sometimes have to be assertive with him about what I need in the day-to-day. I'm able to ask him in a way which doesn't accuse, just tells him what's going on, and he's usually able to hear me if it's posited that way. You might try just telling him "this is what I'm doing for me" and go forward. He'd probably be relieved.

(And no, I don't think you get a pass for having a Y chromosome! I'm the more forgetful one about this stuff in our relationship. It's called "effort". But at some point, you have to decide to stop putting yourself through the cycle of hope and disappointment with some people.)

Holiday, schmoliday.
I don't fret over whether he remembers that it's my birthday or Mother's Day or other milestone day according to the calendar.
He shows me he loves me every day. He's retired and COULD just stay in bed. But he gets up when I get up and pours my coffee while I'm letting the dogs out, and packs my lunch while I'm getting ready for work.
He doesn't own a cat (they were all mine before we married), but he feeds the cats every morning and counts noses to make sure all fifteen of them get breakfast.
When I'm working a show, he makes dinner. He's not a highly skilled cook, but he makes sure that I have a meal before I go to the theater.
He knew I wanted more storage space in the bathroom, so while I was at work, he put up shelves in there for me.

ETA: Lola, the old man gave me a set of Walking Dead drinking glasses for Valentine's Day, and I was tickled. I love zombie stuff.

I'm sorry this has happened to you repeatedly S.. Please make your own plans with the kids and let your husband know where you'll be if he'd care to join you that day. That would be what I would do.

Not sure why women always want to change men. I mean you haven't changed, you still want some idea of the perfect holiday that you will never get why do you think he will change to give you that? You can't change people, no matter how much you cry, write letters, try to plan without planning, you will not change who he is.

It is the trying to change people that frustrates people so stop trying to change him and accept this is the holiday he provides.

Ya know, I have to add, what exactly is so stupid about pizza three days in a row? Anything else you listed? What makes kids interesting is what they take from both parents. You don't want pizza three days in a row, right, but there is something, growth, in knowing sometimes you can eat pizza three days in a row and the world doesn't end.

Perhaps they can learn what you seem to want to master, accepting life as it happens and finding the happiness in that. What I wanted for mothers day was the same Sunday I always have. Life is what it is every day. I can't even imagine saying this Sunday I will be happy if X Y and Z happen and if they don't to my satisfaction I will be disappointed.

So try relaxing a bit, perhaps you will see how perfect your mother's day really was.

Per your what happened, you need to accept he can't fix this. This is your issue, not his. Please read this as if you are reading someone else's words and see if you can see your words for what they are. "On any holiday that might require a gift, all he has to do is go to the store right next to his office (Kohls) and pick out ANYTHING in the women's section, put it in a bag with the receipt, and hand it to me." Why? That is not affection or appreciation. If he manages to remember all that is is placating. It won't make you happy anyway. Find a therapist, or just someone you trust will speak the truth to you and talk to them.

Your husband shows you every day by being good man that he cares. Why on earth do you need so badly for him to jump through hoops on "special" days. My husband is a good man as well therefore all I want from him on "special" days is to be the same man he is the other 364 because that is pretty darn good. You do realize that a fair few women out there have men that are dicks to them 364 but remember to give the gift to shut the woman up on special days. Is that what you want?

Edited

I know this hurts. Recognizing your special days is important to you. What has upset me the most, in these type of situation, is knowing that he knew it was important and still blew me off. I said, "if you love me, you would do something." Right?

In counseling, I learned that, in several situations, I created my own unhappiness by the way I think. "If you love me you would" sort of thinking. I learned that by believing and saying that, I turned situations into an adversarial one. Wow!

I recognized that thinking and saying this looked/felt like a power struggle. Then I started to include him/them in planning celebrations and everyday things important to me. Make Mother's day, birthday, any celebration an opportunity to share the planning. Be together in this. I not only have the fun of a celebration, I also steer it in a direction that pleases me the most.

Whether or not he remembers the day, really has nothing to do with love or even that he's a man. Most holidays are no longer important to me. I rely on family and friends to remind me. Even then I sometimes forgot. This problem isn't just a male problem nor the result of men's way if thinking. I don't know why your husband doesn't get involved. I suggest, unknown to him, this may be his way to deal with anger. Perhaps he's hurt/angry as a result of your anger. I suggest that when you respond in such a negative way, he feels you don't love him enough to accept him as he is. To me, it feels like you're demanding that he celebrate your way. Marriage is a partnership in which we embrace each other as we are. Demands and anger separate us.

Yes, you're hurt. Crying alone in your room may cause him to feel he's not good enough in your eyes. I believe that if you can let go of your anger enough to discuss this using I statements, listening to him sympathetically, he might be able to sympathize with you. When we blame others they become defensive and put a wall between us and them. I suggest "we are in this together" approach. Together plan how the two of you can make holidays work.

I suggest you read about co-dependency . This is when we depend on others to make us happy. You can choose to be happy even in negative situations. What we say to ourselves is a great influence on how we feel.

ETA: Read your SWH.

I get where you're coming from. Women tend to do way more then men do. I accepted that long ago and just moved on. I don't think men are necessary from Mars but sentimental? No. Mine isn't. My husband has a shoebox for his childhood belongings. He could care less about holidays. So the list helped him to help me. I know how much it pains him to go the mall. He despises it. So for me, knowing he went to Victoria Secret with kids in tow - makes me smile when I open my pajamas.

See I ask him for lists though too - for Father's Day, etc. I wouldn't have a sweet clue what fishing reel to get him, etc. One year I got him a case of beer and it was the wrong kind. And I was sure I knew. We're parents, we're busy, we're tired ... so I'm not the greatest giver either. I'm not trying to make excuses, but lists can be helpful - is all I'm saying :)

I used to go through this. Then my sister said "Don't you give him your list?"

I thought what list?

She has a list that has not changed in 25 years. Chocolates. Flowers. Pajamas. Book. Wine.

So that's pretty much my list now. Down to what I want for a treat. To steak last night for supper.

Think back. Did you ever get a gift and not like it? That's what happened with us. He gave me an electric fry pan once and my face must have shown my disappointment. He thought he had scored.

I think in your case it's become something to dread. So he doesn't bother. He just assumes it will end in disaster. Maybe try next time to give him a list. Get over this hurdle. Once he does well with the list (even if you have to get kids to get him out shopping) then maybe the ordeal will change to 'ok' then he can work on adding one surprise thing to list.

Good luck :)

I'm not going to say it's about men vs women. But I do think that some people care about these things more than others. And I admit, I'm one that doesn't care. I think that getting something on mother's day from the kids is adorable, but I don't expect my husband to get me anything (I'm not his mom). He didn't get me a birthday present last month, it was fine. My anniversary is today, and neither my husband or I will get the other a gift and neither of us will care. What matters to me is that we are a team every single day. We support each other in the important things. That is priceless - worth more than a trinket on a particular day. And if he didn't support me day in and day out, a bushel of flowers on Mothers' Day wouldn't make up for it.

I don't know if this helps, except to say that this is who he is, and it's not a reflection on you or on how much he loves you.

ETA: I think this is where the communication disconnect is "I refuse to accept that there is an entire group of people (largely men) who basically refuse to acknowledge the special people in their lives through either deed or gift." I don't think anyone is saying that an entire group of people refuse to acknowledge special people in their lives. I think that the WAY that some people acknowledge special people is different from how others do. I acknowledge my love for my DH by being cheerful about his weekly golf habit, because I know it makes him happy. My DH shows his love for me by encouraging me to look for a new job, even though it's likely a pay cut and would affect our lifestyle, because he knows my current one makes me unhappy. I could come up with many more examples, and none of them involve a gift on a holiday. There are many many ways people show that they love and appreciate each other. Why is a gift on a holiday the only one you will accept?

My husband, too, sucks at birthdays, holidays and lots of things in general. Yes, he is college educated and runs a successful business. But he can't handle lots of everyday things (like dinner when I am at a meeting, or making a schedule work) and he certainly can't get Christmas or birthdays right. I've known this from the beginning (no gift on the first b-day of mine that we celebrated together - he said that he knew what he wanted to get but never made it to the store. I was PISSED). Now, I set my expectations up to handle it.

For Christmas and my birthday, I write a list of what I want. You know what? I get everything on the list. If I don't write it, I don't get it. Pretty simple. Plans for dinner for any occasion - I make them. Otherwise, we'd go to the local pizza place or I'd have to cook. Guess what, because I book early, I go where I want to go.

He is NEVER going to change. I take on a lot and don't expect much from him in terms of birthdays, etc. So I partially blame myself. I blame his laziness and stupidity as well. And I blame his mother, too. She certainly dropped the ball on teaching him how to treat a woman. He can't cook more than toast and refuses to do laundry (really making him sound like a d-bag here but he does do LOTS right).

For Mother's day, I went shopping for myself - bought about $350 in clothes. That is my present!

So unfortunately, I don't have better news for you. You need to forget about it and make the most out of it that you can. Even if it means pretty much doing it for yourself.

Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?

If you just want to be right, by all means, keep expecting him to plan the day and continue to be disappointed.

But if you want to be happy, figure out what you want to do that day and make sure it happens. Who cares if you make the reurvation yourself? Would you enjoy the meal any less?

The definition of insanity is dong the same thing again and again and expecting different results. If you want something different to happen, you're going to have to do something different to make it happen.

I have a friend in much the same boat as you.

She's planning to write her husband a hand-written letter. She's going to list the many ways that he is a great daddy to their two girls. She's going to ask him to picture them in a few years, dating, graduating, getting engaged, walking down the aisle on his arm as they get married, giving birth to a baby who will call him Grandpa. (She plans to elaborate, sort of painting a word picture for him of these events).

Then she's going to ask him to picture his beloved girls, crying on Mother's Day, as they prepare their own meals, do the dishes, and as evening falls, they realize there will be no card, no flower, no tea served to them, nothing special at all.

Would he be ok with that? Would he be ok with his sons-in-law ignoring his daughters that way?

She's going to tell him that he's teaching his girls that they won't matter on their special days because he's showing them that their mother doesn't matter on her special days. And she's going to tell him that she doesn't need or want jewelry or a fancy dinner out. She wants a little note, or a card. She wants a single flower. She wants tea served to her and then she wants her husband to lead the kids in cleaning up the dishes. She wants him to demonstrate to his daughters how to gently and lovingly express appreciation, not only on a regular workday, but how to make life's little celebrations special, to create memories.

I'm sick to death of giving men a "pass" on things, as if an entire gender is incapable of an entire category of things (e.g. holidays, gifts, cooking). I'm also sick of women who think they can't pick up a hammer or push a lawnmower, but that's another topic for another day.

The answer below about the husband blowing it with a fry pan and then never buying a gift again is an interesting point. I think there are plenty of people who give up because they can't measure up, at least in their own view. I don't know if that applies to your husband. Even if he didn't grow up in a house where these things were valued and celebrated, it doesn't explain why he refuses to adjust after 20 years.

What's significant to me is that you say he is a great husband even though he regularly hurts you, not only in choosing to do zero for these occasions, but also he spoiled the surprise that the kids had planned (disappointing them as well as you). So either he's utterly fantastic in every other way, a true coparent and a wonderful companion/lover/provider, or you have incredibly low standards. It's also significant that counseling made no dent in this. So you continue to be disappointed in him, and his children are as well.

So, if he's so awesome, you either
a) let go of this expectation with the "accept the things I cannot change" attitude (and get the counseling to help you do it, even if he doesn't go), or
b) you facilitate the hell out of it with "the list" as well as prompts on his phone (entering in all dates with shopping reminders at least 4 weeks ahead), or
c) you take over making yourself happy, you plan weekends away for every birthday and Mother's Day with girlfriends or a sister or at a spa (shutting off your cell phone for the duration).

What is NOT going to work is to continue to do as you have been - explain, urge, remind, feel crushed, rant, repeat. He's not hearing you, either because he is stubborn and thoughtless (or, worse, enjoys making you miserable), or because he truly has a major learning disability or emotional block in this area.

I am just feeling so much pain for you - I want so much more for you.

Buy yourself a new car, a pair of diamond earrings or a weekend vacation and thank your husband for his very generous gift. Perhaps he will think twice about doing nothing for the next holiday or he may be relieved you got yourself something really nice.

Your husband isn't helpless. He doesn't feel bad. He doesn't mean a word he says, promising "to do better". He just doesn't care. It's not important to him. Period.

There. I said it.

For the benefit of your children, you don't give back what you get to him. You're to be commended for that. But I swear, you should go out and spend money that would make him cringe EVERY FRICKIN' TIME he does this to you.

Well it's not always a man woman thing. I know a few men that are very thoughtful about holidays and expressing themselves, but really they are a minority (at least in my circle.) It's just not a priority for them, and I don't think they ever truly "get" why it's such a big deal to their wives. Is that BS? Maybe, or maybe it's just who they are.
Instead of crying over it get out there and get this kind of attention and affirmation from your fellow ladies! Mom, sister, BFF, aunt, who are your people? When one of us has a birthday, or is celebrating some other milestone (baby, promotion, whatever) we don't sit around waiting for our men to cheer us on, we give that to each other. We go to lunch/dinner, movies, happy hour, have parties, take little trips, give each other gifts and high fives and hold each other up. You can't expect your husband to fill ALL your emotional needs, just like he needs his buddies/guy time you need to spread it around more. Don't be overly dependent on him, ultimately it's unhealthy and unattractive.

I don't know where the accountability is. Sometimes I wonder if it is at all related to the concept that women don't *need* men anymore. And are proud of it. We've made them obsolete, so where is the impetus for them to step up and claim the man role for their woman? Oh wait, that's sexist to say any of that, isn't it?

I'm sorry he blew it again. That really sucks.
I have a friend whose husband always was blowing such occasions. He simply didn't understand that they actually mattered to her. Once he finally was able to understand that, he came through like a champ. Not sure exactly the steps that were taken to GET it through to him, and it sounds like you have gone through a lot of steps.

Perhaps try (both of you, separately and then compare) one of those 5 love languages survey things. Sounds like receiving gifts is NOT how his love tank is filled, so he has no idea what it does for you or why he should make that effort. Probably doesn't seem like a big deal to him. I bet you can nail his love language without doing a survey even. Women put time into stuff like this, men do tend not to...So make him. I do the quiz/survey with him and see. Bet you dollars to donuts that gifts is last or next to last on HIS love language list. It's first on my husband's. And the way he treats ME is a reflection of that. It's what he understands. It's not mine. :/

I'm sorry. Your post made me want to hug you or take you to Starbucks to vent some more. I'm glad you realize his good points, but it's a shame he can't realize how important this is to you, and how easy it would be to get it right. Hugs.

I'm not sure if you've tried this or not, but maybe a week before the holiday say to him, "This year for Mother's Day I would like to ... " You can list the gift(s) you want to receive, the restaurant you want to go to, the activity you want to do ... whatever. Be specific.

This year our family went to church, then to the YMCA to go swimming and then out to an early dinner. It's what I wanted. Just the fact that my husband was willing to go along with my plans meant the world to me.

What would you like to see happen. Be specific and give him enough notice to be able to do what he needs to do but not too much time that he could procrastinate and never get around to it. Be realistic and specific, but definitely make sure you will be happy.

Wow, how sad. I really couldn't imagine loving holidays and failing to being able to enjoy them because my husband didn't care. I truly believe that although you stated that your expectations were low, they actually aren't. Why? Because you're still expecting him to do something he's never done. IMO, he doesn't remember the holidays because he simply doesn't care to. It's obviously not important to him. So rather, why not spend the holidays with those who do care? There's great joy in that. To me, you're giving your hubby too much power in the area of the holidays where he isn't even involved. That's silly. Focus on you and those who'll celebrate with you. It's really that simple.

Oh and I agree with another mommy. Take the Love Language test ASAP!

I really like what Elena B. wrote. A few years ago I had to do something similar to nip some of DH's bad decisions before they totaled our marriage. I think he got the message. He just needed to be reminded what it would be like in someone else's shoes.

That being said.....Mother's Day was pretty sad for me, too. Stupid me thought that we were going to have the day to ourselves but no....DH found a maintenance excuse to attend to and he picked up MIL along the way and took her out to lunch. Yeah, I'm devastated. We had agreed that our Mother's Day plans with MIL would be dinner on Saturday night -- which we did -- but I guess it wasn't enough. The one Mother's Day that we could finally have as a family.....fell apart thanks to DH not thinking. He has never done anything for me on this day. I feel unappreciated and worthless as his wife.

Today I felt like s*** and shed a few tears. Mother's Day in my opinion is just a lousy holiday because it puts people into groups and it exacerbates unrealistic and outdated expectations. As parents we should be celebrating each other every day just for putting one foot in front of the other and surviving! Ugh.

Why don't you just leave out some ideas for him? Go into his computer, sign him up for amazon and put a bunch of stuff in the cart you want? Tell him to order one of the things and give it to you.

A week before say, Hey, Sunday is MD and I want to go eat at Olive Garden so make sure you are ready for it. All he's got to do is be ready at 5pm to get in the car and pay the check. Or hey, I'd really like some flowers and a cake. Whatever.

I know for a fact that even the men with best intentions screw up stuff. Here's an example. I have a WONDERFUL husband. (He bought me a new LazyBoy recliner for MD because my other one hurt my back.) Ok so, back 8 years ago he bought me a beautiful engagement ring...over 2 ct....loved it! Until I wore it for a week and the baguettes got dirty and I couldn't get them cleaned....I stressed about it for 5 years and then we ended up paying to replace them with princess cut. He KNOWS I HATE HATE HATE baguettes!!!! So he is very generous with buying me jewelry for occasions and this year for VD he bought me a big ring with black and white diamonds...ALL BAGUETTES!!!! I was like WTH???!!! He's like, if you don't like it, you can take it back. Why would you buy a ring with all baguettes? He even said, you don't like those stones, do you. Uh, no. He's like I didn't think so but didn't know what to get you. So you buy the ONE RING in the WHOLE STORE that has all baguettes in it???!!!!! He is not a stupid man. I think he really tries! But I think some just get stressed out and lose their mind and buy something dumb or don't do anything at all because they don't want to screw it up.

I don't know what your husband's problem is. It would be helpful to know if you ask for things and he flat out ignores you. If that is the case, I would be BEYOND livid! But if you say NOTHING and hope and pray he will do something, well then I think you have a hand in your disappointment. Good luck.

Sounds like you guys speak different love languages. My husband used to try to buy me gifts thinking that that is what woman want, he did not understand that I found gifts meaningless and lazy and that what I wanted was quality time, that if there was a gift something hand made meant more then anything he could buy. I am not saying there is anything wrong with gifts being your love language, but since it is clearly not his he simply does not understand why you would consider them so important is my guess. Did you guys talk about the love languages when you went to counseling? If not I would suggest looking into them, learning how we each show and accept love has really helped my husband and I understand each other better and learn to see our actions through the others eyes.

That said, in the end you will not change each other so you will both have to find ways to be okay with that, and to be okay with who the other person is, even if that is a person who does not consider holidays to be of special importance. If it is important to you to celebrate then you need to be the one to make dinner reservations ect, or you need to be willing to ask him point blank to do so at the appropriate time so he can do it right away.

I am guessing part of the resentment may come from you going all out for his holidays, like fathers day? If so I would stop, I am guessing they are also unimportant to him, and if he is anything like me, he would prefer you did not make a big deal out of them.

I am willing to bet that if you plan the day for yourself next year, then things will fall in to place. He either cares or he doesn't, but you can't make him do something or change the way he views holidays.

sorry to hear that your hubby is thoughtless.
my hubby thinks birthdays are for kids and once your an adult they no longer matter and do not need to be celebrated, sweetest day, valentines, mothers, fathers and any similar holidays he thinks are made up by hallmark and are only around for someone to make money off of, and does nothing for these
anniversary he thinks about, and then we only end up gonig out to eat while his mom watches the kids. nothing more. so weather he forgets or jsut plain does not care about them i have learned to think of it as just another day and expect NOTHING (and occasionally get surprised by some new flowers planted in the yard or he will figure out dinner by going out ordering in or he makes pizza)

I get why you're disappointed and ruining what the kids planned is ridiculous but sometimes I wish my husband was more considerate day to day in exchange for the sometimes over the top purchases he makes for me on holidays and birthdays. But I've learned to appreciate what he does do and realize we're just different. I'm pretty lame sometimes on holidays and birthdays but I think very considerate the other days of the year. If he gave me a super hard time about the holidays, I'd get resentful and kind of think he was being immature. I "give" a lot the rest of the year. He can buy himself what he needs so maybe you can too? And I'd think he could just plan his own outing, can't he? I wouldn't stop him. So that's what I'd do if I were you. Buy what you want and plan your own outing to a spa or whatever. If he's good the other days of the year, figure you're in the black. I know husbands not great during the year who also are bad about holidays.

Don't leave it up to him. Take charge. Plan exactly what you want and give him instructions on how to carry it out. Make sure to follow up. Seriously. I pick out my gift and tell him where to buy it, when to buy it and how much it should cost. I always get exactly what I would like. I plan my day, where I would like to go and when. I plan the meal and tell him where to get it and what to do with it. I get exactly what I want. It's perfect.

Be proud you raised compassionate kids that celebrate you on your special day!!! He didn't rub off on them!

My husband and I aren't really big on gifts for any occasions. We do a few small things for Christmas. As for Mother's Day, I really just expect my kids to acknowledge me, not him. And my favorite thing from them is a hand made card --- which they still do at ages 19 and 15. I wouldn't have it any other way. Mother's Day really centers around my Mom, my sisters and our families all get together with her and do something.
Do you get your husband gifts for all those occasions? I'd stop.

Ya, we drove in from a 4 hour trip. There was a dinner with my family and my husband decided to sleep. It just depends on whose agenda it is.

I gave him the opportunity to opt out, told him stay home if you want, I'm going and walked out.

If it is important to you, you better schedule a massage for yourself. He's not going to do it.

While it would be nice that he thought of it on his own, your gifts may not really be what you really like. So, go with him to a store the day prior to the holiday/occasion and pick out THREE things you like. Walk away and have him buy ONE. That way he DID choose and you are sure to like the gift!

I understand. My husband told me that we didn't have kids, we're raising grandchildren though, and that he didn't have to do anything for me for Mother's Day. Yes, he's still walking.

So I decided at that moment that he wasn't a "dad", he forgets my birthday so I don't even mention his, he doesn't get my anything for Christmas so I don't shop for him.

I don't put up with that by way of trying to get him to change. I accept he's a jerk in this matter and am a jerk right back to him.

Please have a talk with yourself. Your expectations are too high for this man. You are pinning all your hopes and fulfillment on his actions and each time you will be let down. He's not that guy.

You can take a moment to just sit and think about what other things you get from your family. If they show love to you in other ways, how they respond when you need things, what you can find that fulfills you instead of this.

Some men are simply more thoughtful about these things than others. It's a shame you can't accept this flaw in your otherwise great husband and move on. Be glad he's not a drunk or a cheater or worse.

What's your question?