Hi, Mamas! I am thinking about becoming a surrogate (gestational, where the baby isn't biologically related to me) because I want to help couples who can't conceive, and I tend to have very easy, uncomplicated pregnancies. Those of you who have done this, what are the pros and cons? Would you absolutely wait until you're done having children, or would you consider doing a surrogate pregnancy in between (we want to space out our kids pretty far)? How would I talk about it with my two young daughters? My husband is on board with it, and we would be going through an agency just to guarantee medical expenses and legal issues, etc., but we'd like to hear from some folks who have done this already. Thanks!
WOW I have never done it but have considered it for the same reason(easy pregnancy etc). I elected not to because of selfish reasons- weight management, s#x life. The attachment is my biggest thing. How could i just hand over a miracle that I GREW? (i know its not MY kid but I love it)
I just wanted to praise you for thinking of doing such a generous and selfless act. I wish you all the best
Have never done it. But seeing my spouse have no two pregnancies alike, and one of them almost ending in death, I think it's a pretty darn big risk to make for people you will have no real connection to. How would you feel if you were able to deliver for total strangers, but when you were ready to have more of your own, you can't because of unforseen complications. Can you live with that?
I also agree with the bonding concerns. I don't think genetics and biology are the only things that play a role with bonding...otherwise adoptions, and IVF would be a bust.
What if you're carrying multiples? Are you ready for any potential physical, psychological, emotional changes? Are you open to changing your lifestyle to accommodate the wishes and needs of total strangers? What if they insist on diet changes or something you wouldn't ordinarily do?
While you'd only be housing the baby(babies), how would you feel if you were raising a child for a couple who doesn't share your morals or values, or plan to raise the child in a way that you wouldn't agree with?
Hope you find more feedback from someone with experience. You might find articles online. I have read that there is a higher incidence of depression and other issues for surrogate mothers after delivery. Separation issues. Others saying compensation isn't enough for the amount of work etc. involved.
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Third-Party--Surrogacy-and-...
I have not done this but I did think about it. Having worked in medicine, I am well aware that even with a history of easy pregnancies or deliveries, there can be complications with a current pregnancy. Personally, I wouldn't risk it until you were done with your own family. What happens if you bleed profusely and end up needing a hysterectomy to save your life? What happens if you, God forbid, lose your life and leave your family motherless?
These are things I've thought of myself and decided against it. I think I could take that risk for a person who I know and love, but I don't know about a stranger. Giving the gift of a baby to a couple or person is wonderful, but at what cost? Wishing you all the best on waht you decide.
My brother and sister-in-law's very good friend did it for them - because of her, they now have a daughter (genetically their own) that they never would have been able to have on their own. Obviously, they are eternally grateful to their friend.
According to the friend, it was not difficult to hand over their child to them. Of course, she does still have a relationship with the family, and she was finished having children, so those factors may or may not make a difference.
Research carefully, make sure you are emotionally ready for it, and then make your decision. If you feel you can do it, you are providing a genuine blessing to another family.
Best of luck -
A friend of my sister's was a surrogate (for a mutual friend) and she said, it was the hardest thing she's ever done, to hand over that baby. She told herself every day, that this was not her baby. She tried to stay detached as much as possible, so that it would be easier after birth. For her, she was incredibly depressed for months. She sought advice from a counselor, after and is doing better now. She still can't see the baby, though. It's too hard for her. I know this was just HER story and your story could be different. However, in addition to the legal and medical issues you mention, consider the emotional implications.
I have often thought about doing the same thing. Thanks for the post, I can't wait to see the responses. =)
I could only do it for someone I am very close to and would be able to see the baby often because of attachment issues.
Ive never done it before but I do have one child and have had 3 miscarriges. All I can say is just remember the closeness you felt with your first 2 pregnancies and then handing the child over afterwards. I know it isnt your child but there's got to be some kind of emotional attachment after going through 9 months carrying him/her. Its a wonderfull thing your thinking of doing but just make sure you consider the psychological side of it. Good luck.
What an Angel you are to even consider this. I know that you know that every pregnancy is different and that the hormones of the baby can affect it too, not just your hormones. The other thing to think about is if you do this in between your own pregnancies there is always the possibility of complications that could prevent you from having future pregnancies. This is a wonderful gift and would be a completely selfless act on the part of you and your husband, so pray about it and if you feel right about it, then go for it.
I have no advice to offer you, but I just wanted to tell you I think what you are doing is awesome. I watched my sister struggle with infertility for years before finally, miraculously, conceiving on her own and having a healthy little boy. And while I never considered stepping up and being a surrogate for her, I'm a bit ashamed that I was not that selfless. I think you have probably weighed all the pros and cons if you're already at this stage, and so I just wanted to say best of luck and you are amazing!
What a selfless act of kindness to another! After 5 long years of fertility specialist, IUI's and several miscarriages, my daughter just adopted a child and the love we feel for him and his birth mother is overwhelming. It was an open adoption and we are still VERY close with this birth mother. She was our angel. Without her, we would never have had this precious gift. I encourage you to pray about it, but if you feel this strongly, go for it, because even though you will have some strong feelings handing over this child at birth, you will be prepared by knowing ahead of time that was what you planned to do. The agency will also have classes to help deal with those feelings. Again, don't let others discourage you with horror stories, if this is meant to be, you will know in your heart (which I think you already do) that it is the right decision. I will pray for you and all those involved. A child is a blessing from God and so many do not ever get to experience that blessing without surrogate mothers or thru adoption. May God watch over and bless you with all your future pregnancies. You are already a special person for just considering this. If your husband is ok with it and you feel so strongly about it, then share your willingness and your gift of a child to some young couple that is yearning and hurting to have their own. Unless someone has been through the struggle of infertility, they do not even have a clue what it's like. You will get a blessing from it as well. Open your heart and share this gift and may God watch over and bless you all.
