My best friend and her husband have been trying for six years to get pregnant. They recently just went through their third round of in-vitro and it didn't take and she is devastated. She is one of those women who has always wanted to be a mother and nothing else. She is my dearest friend, my children's godmother and I feel so bad and sad for her that she is unable to have the gift (curse?) of being a mother.
She asked me a couple years ago, when I was preggo with my son, if I would consider being a surrogate for her. I told her no mostly because I couldn't even consider being pregnant again while I was still pregnant and also because I kinda assumed she would eventually get pregnant. Now its over three years later and she is still not having any luck. I'm reconsidering my rush to say no.
My two pregnancies were easy EASY so that part doesn't bother me. We live on opposite sides of the country right now, but we will be in the same city in about a year or so. My question is to those with experience with this-- how difficult is it to carry a child and not have it be your own? I feel like I started to bond with my children when I was pregnant, and it is amazes me sometimes that they came out of me. I'm wondering if it will be difficult to give up that baby to another person, like giving part of myself away. I know it won't be mine, technically/biologically, and we will always be apart of that child's life since she is my best friend and all. For anyone who has done this, how do you feel now? For anyone who has used a surrogate, how do you feel now?
Adoption is not out of the question for them, but it is their last choice. I'm not 100% of their reasons, I think it may be a culture thing for her husband, but I know my friend wanted the experience of being pregnant and carrying a baby herself. If I'm there, she can at least experience it through me.
I haven't said anything to her or my husband about this yet, I mostly want to get my thoughts in order and get some information first. But with everything she has done for me, I'm starting to think doing this for her might not be as much of a problem as I originally thoguht. :)
Added: It would be completely biologically theirs, I would only carry it for them. I haven't even begun to look into insurance or legalities, though we'd be in CA and I would be very surprised if it wasn't allowed.
A close friend of mine did this twice. She said it's by far, one of the most rewarding things she's ever done.
I would do it for the right person.
It's just not completely "legal" in Michigan.
my sis offered to her lifelong best friend....but the final & last round of in-vitro took. & then the next round (2 years later took)....so my sis bowed out.
But she & her best friend had been together for 20+ years at that point, & it was important to my sis to offer. We were all proud of her :)
I was a gestational carrier and it was the best experience of my life. I had no problems at all when it was time for the babies to be born and go home with their parents. I have no desire to ever parent any more children, but I will gladly grow them! It was actually a tremendous relief to get to the "finish line" of delivery. I was much more anxious about the pregnancy because it was twins (my own kids were all singletons) and because there was so much at stake. I knew that this couple didn't have the resources to try again if there was a loss, so I was more concerned about that possibility than I was with my own pregnancies. I wasn't able to really relax 100% and celebrate the scenario 100% until the babies were safely in the arms of their parents, and then I let myself really let go and take in how awesome the experience was. I was home on maternity disability for 6 weeks so during that time, I was able to go see the babies and help out the new parents once or twice a week, so that was lovely. The parents had done a good job of taking care of me and my family during the pregnancy so it was nice to be able to be the one bringing them bagels and dinner and I could help with a feeding or diaper change and give them a little bit of a break. It was a really nice transition for all of us.
I'll be honest there is nothing simple about the arrangement and IVF was one of the hardest things I've ever done physically. It took 5 months between the time I was asked to do this to the time we were able to start our cycle. That 5 months was filled with medical screenings for me, STD testing for my husband, phone interviews with an agency, psych evaluations for me and the parents, social worker meetings among the parents, my husband and me, and two teams of lawyers working out all of the legal red tape. Once we started the cycle, the mom and I had to take BCPs to synch our cycles, then I had to take Lupron shots to suppress my hormones. That took 3 weeks longer than expected (including driving 2 hours round trip each morning at 5 AM for bloodwork every other day). Once that worked, the mom had to take a lot of nasty drugs to stimulate her ovaries to produce eggs and she had daily bloodwork and ultrasounds. When things were ready, they retrieved her eggs, inseminated them and we did the transfer a few days later. That attempt didn't take so we then had to wait another couple of months and start again. The second round worked and I had to take estrogen pills and give myself a giant shot daily for 12 weeks, then the pregnancy continued as "normal" for a twin pregnancy. The parents came to every appointment so we saw each other often, and they went to court in the 8th month to get a "pre-birth order" that recognized them as the legal parents. Not all states do this...some consider surrogacy illegal and in others, the parents have to adopt their own baby. I was on bed rest for two weeks at the end and then I was induced at 37 weeks and the delivery was great.
So that's my story in a nutshell. I would encourage you to do this if you have the opportunity. It was a wonderful experience for my family and me as well as the other new family. Everyone who knew of this was incredibly supportive of this and was excited to help us when needed. The hospital staff was particularly moved by this and we had a lot happy tears in the delivery room from everyone including the nurses, anesthesiologist, the OBs and the NICU staff (who weren't needed thank God). If you can do this, it will be such an honor and privilege for you to be part of something wonderful.
I don't have any answers for you I just wanted to say you are a wonderful friend and a beautiful person:)
I truly hope you are able to do this for your friend:)
If I knew someone that needed me to do this I def would in a heart beat:)
I would not be a surrogate even for my own sister. I am totally for adoption (my little bro is adopted) and there are thousands of children and babies in each state that are just waiting for loving parents. They have the the option if they so choose it. They can be there for another young pregnant woman as well, it doesn't have to be you or their biological baby. I personally could not put my body through carrying a child and be that invested, then give the child away, no matter how good the parents are. So, it really just depends on how you and your family feels about it.
What a wonderful heart you have! I, like your friend, struggled with infertility for many years. I was finally able to conceive my daughter after my 2nd IVF attempt.
My only advice is not to approach your friend until you have thought LONG and HARD about your decision and are 100% sure it is what you want to do. I think it would be another blow to have the potential hope taken away if you bring it up and then after consideration decide it wasn't for you. Just my opinion. She is very lucky to have you as a friend.
As for the adoption issue. My opinion is this.....adoption is a beautiful, wonderful thing...my husband and I talked about it and were actually getting ready to start the process if this last IVF didn't work. But.....nobody should go down that road until they are ready to. I can't tell you how many times during our struggles we were asked....."why don't you just adopt?". I think everyone assumes that adoption is really easy because there are so many kids needing homes. That isn't always the case unfortunately. Adoption can be quite expensive and time consuming (sometimes more so than fertility treatments).
Even with that, I believe that EVERYONE should have the ability to determine when and how to build their family. It's such a personal decision and while I am pro-adoption (we are recently talking about it for baby #2), I believe that decision is a personal one and has to come from within.
Good Luck!
I commend you for wanting to do it but your first line of discussion should definitely be with your husband. Don't consider talking with your friend until he is on board. It's your body and your friend but it will effect him as well.
A good friend of mine is a professional surrogate (pregnant every other year).
She's implanted with fertalized ovum... the children she's carrying are NOT hers. She just "carries them under her heart".
I know for MYSELF that would make a big difference. I am completely unwilling to surrogate/give away MY child (my genetics), but I have no problem with a Womb w/ a View (their genetics). In fact, I just ran through cancer testing about 1.5 years ago (pregnancy hormones tend to trigger cancer in me, although we'd hoped that that would 'wear off', which is can in some cases). Jumped on birth control pills for a month, but no go. High grade dysplasia popped up almost immediately. I was hoping to surrogate for my son's uncles.
I wish I had friends like you.
I don't personally have any experience with this but my Aunt did. She talked to me about it a lot.
She was in the same boat as your friend. But she also had cysts, tumors etc on her ovaries. She was told that if she did get pregnant (which was already rare for her) she would not survive it.
So her 1st cousin agreed to be a surrogate. So my 2nd cousin, Liz and my aunt had a LONG LONG talk about it all. They lived a few cities apart and were already great friends. They were cousins but raised more like sisters.
My cousin Liz says she has never regretted her decision. She was a surrogate for my aunt. Now my aunt's daughter is about to be 13.
My cousin Liz said that she thought it would be hard to "give up" the baby once it was born. But in the end she said it wasn't. She would talk to the baby in her tummy all the time about what was going on. She ended up opting for a C-sec. My aunt was there the whole time.
My cousin later said that handing the baby to my aunt was the most amazing feeling. She couldn't believe that she was able to give the wonderful gift of motherhood to my Aunt. And now she still has a very strong relationship with my aunts daughter (B)
B knows all about it and has said many times how grateful she is that my Cousin Liz was willing to do that.
It might be hard. But you have to think about all the possibilities. Will she help pay for your care? Do you want her to? Are you really sure you are ready to be pregnant again?
It would be the GREATEST gift you could ever give to her. She will never forget it and if you do it, that baby, that WONDERFUL life will be there BECAUSE OF YOU.
It is allowed in California, but you will have to figure out the legal part, and all the other extra things you might have to do.
It all depends on the person that is carring the child. I can understand they want a child that is biologicly thiers and with that comes medical history that you would nto have all of with an adoption. I don't think I would do it but my body and being preganent do not get along. I have a friend whos friend is doing it right now and she is loving it. You just know for the begining it's not your child.
But then again there are LOTS of kids out there at need good familys. So if you decide not to you know you are not sealing the deal for them not having a child.
Good luck with your desition and God Bless!
Just something for her to consider--Steve Jobs was adopted.
I just talked to my (adopted) cousin this morning. She and her hubby have 2 bio kids, 1 adopted from Central America, and were just awarded custody of their 16 yr old nephew. She tells me all the time that all of her kids are just that, her kids. No distinction between biological or adopted, and they are so grateful to have the kind of life that they can share with a child who is in need. Truly, there are so many thousands of children who NEED a family, so I would really try to encourage them not to see adoption as a last resort, but as a beautiful, selfless and loving gift to extend to an innocent child.
My best friend since middle school and her hubby also cannot have kids. 2 years ago they adopted a newborn boy, and just last week they adopted a 5 year old girl. What a blessing!!
(My husband's culture also has a stigma against adoption, but I have gotten him to admit that it is shameful for them to treat a child in need any differently than a child who has been fortunate enough to be raised by his biological parents.)
As the Intended Mother of my darling Gestational Carrier twins, I applaud you consideration of carrying a baby or two for your BFF. Please, check out the website surromomsonline.com. It will be GREAT for both you and your friend to learn from the ladies on that site. You must have a lawyer and she must have one as well. I loved Melissa Brisman.
I would absolutely approach them. What a completely selfless thing to do. A child is the biggest gift you could ever give to anyone. You alone would change their life forever. I would think the ability to "remove" yourself emotionally, knowing that at birth you hand it to them, would be a difficult task. You just have to decide if you have that ability to turn it all off and let THEIR baby grow inside you. If you think you can do it, imagine what you would be giving them! If I were ever asked, I would probably say yes.
You need to find out the legal ramifications in your state and would it be gestational only or would you share genetics with the child? Not only are you emotionally ready to do this, but is she emotionally ready to have someone else do what she wants to do so badly? If part of the adoption hold up is that she wants to be pregnant then will this really work for her, too? Opinions on the practice vary but I have read articles about surrogates in India and at least one program requires them to have had children already so they are more easily able to pass the child back to his/her parents. I believe they are all gestational carriers, and not also donors. Good luck, but if you broach this, be ready to be dealing with some strong emotions on all sides. I understand that it can be rewarding, but even rewarding things can be tough.
I actually considered this for my sister before her last procedure worked, but something she struggled with was the idea of someone doing "her" job. And I also wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally as I would like another child someday.
i would do it for a best friend. It will bond you even more to your bf, you wont e as attached to the baby as if it were yours because while your preganat with your own your bonding based on the imagined future with that child. For this child you wont be rubbing your belly envisioning playing catch or dressup with them, instead you'll be envisioning your closest friend in tears of joy as she hold the tiny bundle of joy that you were able to give her.
I think that's AMAZING of you to reconsider! I haven't done it but would if asked by certain people. As far as feelings about the baby to me I would think you would bond with the baby but in a different way, and what a great story of love your friend could share down the line! Good luck in your decision making, you truely are a special friend who she should be lucky to have :)
I just read this awesome interview about surrogacy the other day. You might be interested.
http://www.curvygirlguide.com/motherhood/a-story-of-surro...
