Supporting a Friend with Breast Cancer

Making meals is a great idea. Other than that, she will need a lot of sleep, especially if going through chemo. I know because I went through it. It is exhausting.
Chemo also makes a person very constipated for a couple of days. By the end of mine, I was going to Bob Evans for lunch before my treatment, having a big salad and a glass of cranberry juice- this really helped.
After several weeks, when she is more tired, you could offer to clean house for her.
Other than that, just being there, staying in touch will be nice. Some people tend to stay away and it made me feel like they were giving up being friends with me.

My sympathies to you. Unfortunately I know a lot about caregiving during cancer. Two absolutely fabulous web tools are Caring Bridge and Lotsa Helping Hands.

On Caring Bridge (www.caringbridge.org), a friend or family member can set up a free blog to let folks know how the person is doing. Anyone can request to get updates each time it posts. It is a great way to keep everyone up-to-date without overloading the patient or caregiver with the "how are you?" question a million times a day. Trust me, there is such a thing as too much attention!

Lotsa Helping Hands (www.lotsahelpinghands.com) is a free site where a moderator can set up requests for things like meals, rides to doctor's appointments, help with kids . . . basically anything you need. (An uncle cut our grass every week. It was probably one of the best "gifts" we received during my husband's treatment.) The moderator would "invite" anyone who wants to help to join your community and receives an e-mail each time a request is made or update added.

From a personal side, keeping in touch is probably the very best thing you can do. A small note (check out "Up Words for Down Days") or gift can do worlds of good. And by gift I mean a favorite magazine, chocolate bar or coffee. Nothing extravagant . . . that can make the person feel worse because the excessiveness of it . . . just little things to show you are thinking of her. And don't forget her husband/partner/children. They need lots of support too.

There is nothing special that you need to say. Call her regularly just to chat. Invite her out for a meal. Offer "maid service for a day". Support isn't just about saying the right thing, it's about being there whether you say anything or not. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Let her know she can call you anytime. I'm sure you will do great.

There is nothing you can say, just be there for her. Helping to find people to help prepare meals is great. Helping to organize people to run errands, take her to appts, and to help clean house would be great.
Sit down and ask her if there is something special she would like help with. It could be as simple as getting some photo albums together for her children, helping her with the laundry when the time comes she doesn't feel she can handle it.
Let her be part of the decisions as to when she needs additional help and be ready to let her cry on your shoulder.
Prayers all always needed for the family as well.
May the creator bless you for you thoughtfullness.

The most important thing is to just be there. I'm sure she will need a good friend to listen to her worries, fears. Perhaps as she starts treatments, you could arrange for someone to clean her house, run errands, etc as she will likely not have energy for those things.

Probably the best thing you can do is be there for her. Call or email and see if she needs any errands done, etc. because it's sometimes hard for someone going through it to reach out for help--so unless she asks you not to, maybe check in with her daily or every other day. Thoughtful actions on your part will help her feel supported. If she has kids or other responsibilities you can help with, do that so that she can take a nap, things like that. It's okay, too, to tell her you don't know what to say but that you love her and want to help, and let her steer how you help her, but also know that she might be too overwhelmed to think about what she needs, so anything you can do for her without her having to think, that's good. Take care well,
R.

C.,

The other poster who mentioned Lotsahelpinghands.com is right on the money. My sister used that site last year while she was going through chemo and radiation for breast cancer and it was invaluable. It helped organize not only rides for her kids to and from school on her worst days, but also babysitting time and housecleaning and meal preparing. It was awesome.

The hardest part my sister had to deal with was asking for help. You can't always know what your friend is going to need every time she needs it. But it sounds as if you are on the right track. She is lucky to have you.

Taking her kids for an afternoon, stopping by occasionally to do her dishes and vacuum, or just sitting down with her to watch a movie you rented are all things she's going to need. Just keep reminding her that this is a time to think about her needs and that she shouldn't be shy about asking for help.

It's also a really strange time for her children, too. Depending on their ages, it's going to be hard for them to sort out their feelings of sadness, confusion and even anger. Encourage her kids to talk to you if they need to. You'll not have all the answers, but you can be there for them as well and that will be a huge load off your friend's mind.

Please take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend and both your families.

J.

My mom has had cancer on and off (gone into remission twice) for 6 years. And she had mild COPD until the first round of chemo kicked it into overdrive with an infection and it's been severe for 5 years... on oxygen 24/7. However, the last thing she wants is someone afraid to talk to her, acting uncertain or treating her any differently. Mom and dad still go camping almost every weekend in the summer and they'll go more often now year-round because he's retiring in a couple weeks. She travels more than most people I know - the oxygen tank is portable and so is her cancer medicine (pills, not chemo).

It's great that you're organizing people to bring meals... but does she want that? You might think it's helpful... my mom loves cooking and felt slighted when friends with good intentions took that away from her. Maybe she wants help with housework. Or help driving the kids around if she has kids. Or maybe, right now, she doesn't want any help at all. Just be there for her and when things get a bit more crazy (lots of doc appointments, feeling very sick, etc) the help might be more appreciated. Just treat her normal.

When I have friends/family who find out they have cancer, I just say... "I'll be here for you but I'm not going to treat you any different unless you want me to. I'll do anything for you to help you out but I can't read your mind so please tell me". Most tell me they appreciate it and don't want to be treated with kid gloves... they want as much of their life to be normal as possible.

C.,
I think it is wonderful that you are arranging to have meals made for her and her family.What a angel you are. You might also remind her how precious she is as a friend and let her know you Love her.
I don't know alot about Breast cancer but I do get my mamogram yearly, no matter what I have to give up to afford it.You and your friends could hold a benefit to help her with the bills that will add up on them. I have had two friends have very close calls with Breast cancer but both are now cancer free. Don't let your friend give up there is new research always on the horizon.Cancer is scarey and it is also mostly treatable in most cases.My Grand mother never told any one she had it and went through chemo and radiation and surgery all with only my Grandfather at her side.She lived through it but lost one breast.She was a very couragious person. When her hair all fell out is when I found out and a bunch of us grand kids took her and got her a wig that looked like her own hair.She was thrilled.Her hair grew back eventually and was completely black and curly like when she was a child.She had never smoked or drank or done anything they say that causes cancer, so that tells me that every one can get it but with regular check ups it can be caught and treated. Grandma died 20 years later of old age.Just writing this to you has made me tear up. It is never easy to loose a friend.
Give your friend all the love and support you can.
Debbie

I hope that I have a friend like you if I ever get into a tough situation like your friend is! Meals is a great idea, you may also want to talk to her daughters to find out what she REALLY needs, as she may not want to burden anyone or ask for help.
I can offer you one thing that may give her encouragement and support as she goes through chemo -- it's helped many with cancer to be able to beat it by giving their body exactly what it needs to fight and have a thriving immune system. There's a call that I could let you listen to of a woman with breast cancer in specific (message me and we can talk.)
Blessings to you and your friend!

I can see how you would want to do all you can to help. You're a true friend and the that's the most precious gift you can give her. Let her know that you are there for her to support, love, and comfort her. You can also place your friend on a prayer list and then let God do the rest.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend!

C., there's really not a whole lot that you can say, just let her know how much you care, and that you're there for her whenever she needs you.

Dear C.,

Have your friend put the odds in her favor by reading the following paper and following up with Dr. Merkle. He may help but he will not hurt.

God Bless,

S.

http://www.sciencebasednutrition.com/case_studies/Breast_...

C.,
The best thing you can do is just listen when she wants to talk. She knows there is nothing you can really do about her illness.
The best thing is just be her friend like you always have been. If you want you can do kind things like you just did with the meals.
I had a friend who had cancer and we just did all the things we used to do as friends, until she got to sick to do them. We talked about her illness only when she wanted to. I never cried in front of her until the day she told me the cancer moved to her brain.
I raelly hope your friend has a better out come then my did.
I will pray for your friend and you as you move along this very rough time in your friendship.

I just went thru this last year - from May - December. Meals are a HUGE help. She has three boys so I even took snacks, etc. a few times just to help with that. I sent cards, I sent her motivational and inspirational stuff, books.....not just about dealing with breast cancer but things like PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE that help her see the whole picture.

She JUST told me on Friday that despite how hard it was, it was the best thing that happened to her and now she realizes that everything has a purpose. She KNOWS she's become a better & stronger person thru the struggle.

I called her EVERYDAY from the time I knew she was going for a biopsy (BEFORE we knew she had cancer) thru chemo. Even if I didn't talk to her, I'd leave a message telling her I was thinking of her & make sure & let me know if there was anything I could do to help and that she DIDNT have to call me back.

I'd drop by sometimes. A couple of times, she was in pretty bad shape and wasn't up for company but I asked if there was anything I could do for her....laundry, etc. Didn't stay long during those couple of times but she has told me REPEATEDLY how much all of that meant to her.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY. It's MUCH more important that you're there for her. Maybe she needs you to LISTEN rather than talk. They need to vent and need perspective when the hair starts falling out, etc. Just be more concerned about being there.

Hi C.. I have never known anyone with breast cancer, personally. Although I did do the Breast Cancer 3Day walk for 3 years and met some grreat people who knew and survived breast cancer. The best thing you can do is be a support system for her. You have already started with meals. Do her kids need rides places? Can you sit with her during chemo? I met someone that used to play cards during their chemo. Just be with her. Can you make her CDs, hats incase her hair falls out. Anything thoughtful, fun and creative to boost her spirits. She'll need it and you'll feel good about it too! Give her lots of love and support!!