My cousin just had a double mastectomy at 50. She has tons of loving support from our entire extended family, as well as her dear husband and two tween/early teen children. In addition to supporting her, I'd like to send something to help her children and husband, but have no ideas. I'd love to hear from people whose moms went through cancer treatment while you were still young- what would have helped you? What could help the dad? Books? Resources? Activities?
Her prognosis is still unknown since there appears to be cancer in the lymph as well.
Thank you so much.
Update- Thanks so much for the ideas- I forgot to mention that I don't live in the same city as my cousin- she's several hundred miles away- are there things I can do from here? Would something like Dream Dinners require too much effort on the family's part?
As several posters have suggested below -- food (in any form), housecleaning services and relaxing entertainment. My mother had a mastectomy while I was away at law school and I really regret not doing more for her at that time...
Hi C.,
My best wishes for your cousin and her healing.
I had breast cancer 8 years ago, when I was 35 and my kids were 3 and 7. I went through mastectomy, reconstruction and chemo. I'll be honest, husband will likely not have time to read books about being the cancer patient's caregiver - he'll be busy getting her to treatments, picking up her slack around the house, dealing with financial worries and the kids. What would really help them would be a gift certificate for a place that they can get takeout dinners from. If you live near enough, take the kids out for special outings or offer to help with driving them to their various activities because suddenly their schedules take a back seat in terms of the priority list. Also keep in mind that most people will call, send cards and flowers, etc when she is recovering from her surgery, but chemo is a long road! It would be great to send a weekly card, monthly flowers or start a family dinner chain, to deliver a complete meal (in disposable containers) on chemo days.
Holding your cousin in my thoughts and heart.
Good suggestions here. There is also a great website called Lotsa Helping Hands which is free, and lets families put up their needs and then others can fill them. We did this for sick friends - it helped organize a dinner chain by listing dates, times, food preferences, and then people could sign up as needed, and the info went directly to the family so they would know what was happening when. They put a cooler on the front porch, and meals were delivered. Those from farther away could order a dinner from a local restaurant (family provided names of their favorites). They can put transportations needs on there, like getting a child to Thursday soccer practice or taking mom to a Monday appointment. Great service and easy to use. It also keeps the family from having to organize all the people who want to help but don't know what to do.
Clean their house or mow their lawn. Or hire a service to do either/both.
food trays/casseroles & transportation were the 2 biggest help items which my best friend doubly appreciated.
There were days when she just couldn't stand the thought of food, but knew that her child would not go hungry ...thanks to the nurturing of friends/family.
Transportation...not so much for herself, but again.....for her child. To/from all activities was very difficult for her to handle......physically & emotionally.
One more thought: since it's in the lymph nodes, she'll probably have chemo/radiation. My best friend had her DH shave off all of her hair.....she could not stand the sight of it falling out. Soooo, you might think on that end of it, too......gift certificate for wig &/or the hats with hair attached. My bf used both.
EDITING TO ADD:
Dream Dinners will generally have some pre-made meals that can just be picked up and popped in the oven. They're usually pretty healthy and "homecooked". I got a gift card for some meals there and it was great!
I had breast cancer last year. My kids were 19 months and 3 years old (about to turn 4) when I was diagnosed, so the issues were much different for me as it relates to the kids (mine really didn't understand, but they were SO young that I needed tons of help caring for them over the course of the year that my treatment and surgeries took). I'm not sure if anyone is bringing them meals, but that would be a huge help. I had people bringing me food on and off for months on end. My church was an amazing support to my family. You might also want to see if you can get a cleaning service to come and help them with housework. She won't be able to do much for the next couple of months because of the surgery (it's SO painful!) and if she has to have chemo, then she won't feel up to doing housework when she's going through that either. There is a charity that will do free housekeeping during chemo, but they are so popular that I was never able to get through the registration process. It might be worth a shot though if you want to try. It's called "Cleaning for a Reason" and their website is http://www.cleaningforareason.org/.
As for the kids, you really want to try to help keep their lives as normal as possible. If they are involved in activiites, they may need someone to drive them to/from. I know at that age Mom and Dad are basically a taxi service and I wasn't able to drive for a couple of months (although I did have some complications from my surgery....it isn't normally that long).
My husband is normally an avid reader, but I don't think he wanted to read much about how to support me during the process. I know someone bought him a book, but I don't think he ever looked at it. We were so bogged down in "surviving" it that he just didn't have the time or energy to read about it and process anything more than just the day to day. I'm not saying this would be true of her husband, but I just know that my hubby didn't ever read the book that was bought for him. If you're a Christian family, I think the biggest thing that anyone did for us was pray. I can't describe the peace that I felt during the whole process and I know it's because I had an army of people praying for me on a daily basis. I used the CaringBridge site (www.caringbridge.org) to journal everything so that people could just read my updates. This kept the phone calls to a minimum and helped people know what to pray for at every step along the way. There is also a site that can be used to setup meals and rides that I used. It was www.carecalendar.org.
Anyway, I feel like my post is starting to ramble. The whole process was so complicated and I'm sure people did things for us that I still don't know about. I think I need to write a book! If you (or your cousin) have any specific questions, please feel free to PM me. I've been through this fairly recently, so it's all still fresh. I would be happy to help in any way I can. I'll say a prayer for her and the whole family!
My Dad had cancer when my brother and I were kids. All of the meal ideas and support ideas you've gotten so far are fantastic, but I have one more suggestion.
Take the kids to the movies. Send them something you know they like - a new CD, a novel by a favorite author. Their mom has cancer, and that is scary, and they are living with it everyday. I'm sure someone is helping them with support - but they also need something that is fun, and THEIRS. Give them a few minutes of normal.
My mother had colon cancer when I was 12. She had surgery which put her out for 6 weeks. Then she had other complications from the surgery that put her out for 6 more weeks. She also had breast cancer when I was 19. She was a single mom, and it was very hard on both of us, esp with no other person around to help in the house. Any kind of prepared food is a big help. Make and freeze casseroles to take over. Send over a gift card to a restaurant. Also, maybe take up a collection from family and hire someone to come and clean their house. It's the day to day activities that are so difficult when a mom is sick. And it's even more hard for the family who is trying to do everything (work, school, etc) and take care of mom's needs. Hope this helps.
I agree with all the posts so far. I was starting high school when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and my younger brother was about 8 yrs old. I think we both wanted our lives to feel as normal as possible, so I would agree with those saying that transportaion and food would be the most appreciated. We had lots of after school activities we still participated in and were lucky enough to have grandparents and aunts to drive us when my mom/dad couldn't. Financially it was a rough time for the family also since my mom was unable to work during surgeries and chemo. So again, gift certificates for take-out restaurants or home-cooked meals are good ideas.
If possible, it would be nice for you to take the kids out of the house to the movies or lunch/dinner. That would give them something fun to do, and give mom/dad a break to do what they need to do (dr. appt, sleep, etc.). A gift card to the movies or a place like Dave & Buster's would probably be fun for kids of that age also. Try to think about what the kids are into and go with something fun for them. If you have kids their age, then make it a group outing.
My first thought would be send a meal or gift cards to go out to dinner. I don't know what their family structure was like, but if your cousin did all the cooking, it might be nice to help out with some meals.
