Suddenly Very Uncooperative 2 1/2-Year-old

What worked for my son was copying his behavior. If this is a "no" day you make it a "no" day also like if he wants some juice tell him no im not getting juice but say it the way he would. when we did this the behavior only lasted anout a week

It sounds as if he may be jealous of the attention your baby recieves. When you want him to do something offer him a choice this will empower him. "We have to go now, would you like to put on your coat or wear a sweater?" This way he decides what to do but you get what you want which is a warm layer to go out in. Give him lots of positive encouragement. " You are such a big boy, thank you for putting on your coat when I asked, it makes you nice and warm. " thank you for playing nicely while I was nursing your sister, now she is full and won't cry and we can play what you want." When he hits try acknowleding his anger and redirecting it. "Oh, I see you are very angry that your sister is getting attention, but she is so much smaller than you she needs us to take care of her right now, how about we go outside and swing or look for bugs? (giving a choice again). When he says" i don't want to.." just answer similar to 'I can tell you don't want to, but sometimes we need to do take care of our messes, and I'll help you, would you like to pick up your blocks or put the movies away?"
always acknowlege his feelings as they are real. give them a name so he understands the difference in his feelings, and give him a choice to empower him. good luck

What are his consequenses? My son who will be 3 next month sounds just like you son. Time outs are in my opinion ineffective. I found with my son taking away things he likes works the best. For example if he is watching a movie and starts back talking I give him a warning and count to 3 if he didn't correct his behavior I turn the TV off. Or if he is playing with a toy I give him a warning count to 3 and if he doesn't stop whatever the bad behavior is he loses the privledge of that toy for the rest of the day. When you are not at home it may be more difficult depending on your son. My son loves to go places so if I tell him we are going home if he doesn't shape up it usually works. Don't get me wrong it is not just a threat we have actually left places and came home when he was being a turd. I always give him the option to correct before enforcing the consequence. I know some people may think that I am being mean but this is the best way I have found to get my point across. I also make my son apologize. I do allow him to earn back privilages if he behaves, I may ask him to pick up his toys and as a reward he can have the toy he lost earlier in the day back. After a being consistent with these rules my son learned that I was serious and he minds very well. He is so funny now if my hubby tries to discipline he looks at me and if I am watching he minds right away.

I have a three year old daughter who is also very challenging some days.

I would sit down with your husband and agree on a punishment for when he acts up. That way, your husband knows what to do if he ever has to discipline your son and above all, BE CONSISTENT. That's the hardest part, especially if you are out in public or at a friend's house. If you aren't consistent, then it will only confuse him and he will act out more.

We have used time outs for our daughter and those seem to work really well. If she's watching tv or a movie and she acts up, then we take away the movie and make her sit in time out without any of her toys, snacks, or anything else she may have had. Usually she whines but will sometimes progress onto screaming. When she screams, we make her go into her room and she must sit and stay on her bed when she's in time out in her room. We leave her in the room and shut the door. After a sufficient period of time, no more than a few minutes, we open the door and ask her if she's ready to try again.

Something that my mom always did that really bugged me as a kid, was that before punishing me, she would ask if I knew what I had done that was wrong. If I sassed and answered "no", then she would tell me. What I really came to appreciate was that after being punished, she would pick me up and tell me how special I was to her and that she loved me very much. Then she would tell me it was my bad behavior or back-talking that she didn't like. It reassured me that she still loved me and helped me to see that it was my behavior that wasn't appropriate.

We do that with our daughter and its been really helpful with her. A lot of her acting out is for attention and sometimes reassurance that we still love her.

M.,
I sincerely know the frustration you feel. We have 3 kids and my oldest is 4. When our kids started getting older it was hard to know how to handle this situations you are going through. A friend of mine told me about "Love and Logic" I am not saying the program was a cure-all but it sure helped. When giving them 2 options such as you can put your coat on your bed or in your closet it gives them more freedom to choose but they are also both options you can be happy with. I hope that may be of some help to you, Good luck figuring out what works for you, every child is so different you just have to find what works for the both of you.

hj

What worked for me at this age was to give a choice. If you ask him to put his coat away and he says no look at him and say "Ok then I guess I can throw it away, it's pretty cold outside,.. or you can go and put your coat away" if he still chooses to not put it away , "throw" it away, mine get upset,get it out and put it away. If they are hitting and I say stop and they tell me no, I say " Ok, if you hit your sister/brother again I am going to take your favorite toy away and you won't get it back, I am sure their is another child out there who would like it, or you can stop hitting your sister/brother and you'll get to keep your toy and have fun, it's up to you" and if they hit the toy gets put away and doesn't come out, they can earn them back later, usually if I see improvement in a few days. Don't ignore, unless he is really out of control, and then you just let him know that when he is calm you can talk about it. You haven't done anything wrong, every child goes through this it is normal!

M.,
Deep breath, you're doing great!!! I am a mother of 2 and a teacher. Your son is not only testing your limits, he is testing his own independence and words. Keep reinforcing your limits in a quiet consistent manner. (This was always hard for me because after being screamed at repeatedly, I wanted to scream back ... that's where the breathing comes in!) Have a response you can give him that is rote, and does not leave room for arguing such as "In our home we all help out to put our things away. You may not scream at me about your jacket." Then if you remove him to his room, or sit him in a chair, or have another option for giving him a moment to let your words sink in - put him there. I usually remind my children. "I look forward to seeing you / talking to you / being with you / when you can be polite again. When you can speak to me politely (or play without hitting), please come do so." Above all, don't argue with him after this. If he comes out of his room, or shouts more, or won't sit, repeat what you've already said, and don't respond to his other comments. Eventually he may try upping the ante to see if he can get another response - just keep your mantra. He's learning 1) your rules are consistent 2) he will be safe in this house because the rules that keep HIM safe will also remain 3) you love him always - even when his behavior is unlovable.
Good luck! (I also suggest repeated outings with girlfriends, emailing people and grocery shopping alone. All help reduce the stress.)
~R.

I am a mother of four young children and I believe you are not doing anything wrong....2 1/2 to 4 are the problem years. You have been given EXCELLENT advice so far.

It is a phase and if you ignore it he wins. Do not ignore it, just stay consistent. He is seeing where your breaking point is and don't let him get one. My son went through this and it lasted about six months. He knows better then to tell me no but I would tell him not to touch something or not to do something and he turned around and did it anyway. That is when we started the behavior chart, toys got taken away for 24 hours (that was a huge one to help my son behave) and bedtime got a lot earlier. Just find out what really matters to him and take that priveledge away and do not tolerate the sassing. Patience and being consistent and he will figure out you are in fact in charge and he does have to listen. My son just the other night was goofing off at the dinner table, I asked him nicely to calm down and please eat, he continued to kick his sister, be gross with his food and I pulled him down from the table. I was very matter of fact, put him in time out while we finished dinner without him. Then he was allowed to come back and finish alone. He did not like that one bit and apologized a million times. Stand firm, it will pass, promise.