Sudden Meanie in School

hi J,

I have five kids, and have always found that a sudden switch in personality always comes from duplicating another child who is doing/acting like this towards my child. a simple question of "who do you know who acts like this?' gets the kid to spot who it is and they can therefore explain what happened and decide to not be like that.

Kids will take on " the winning personality" even if it means they become someone less likable, but they will also shed that personality when they get a chance to inspect it :)

an important note is to never accept that a child is just a victim, most times when one of my kids complain about another's acts, after listening to the tale, I always ask " now, what did you do to so and so? " and my kid will usually respond with a " nothing, I only kicked him or took his spot, ect ect."

So even if the reaction the child received was harsher , they usually did something off to get it. and that is where an individual can become causative in a positive way over what happens to them in life. get them to see that they have some responsibility in being treated harshly, get them to change that and then go handle the agressor in the same manner.

love H.
love H.

Maybe you can get a 'playdate' with your daughter and the other child along with the child's mother to see how they interact for yourselves. If your daughter starts her behavior then, I would address it right there with the other child present to see why she would then act that way towards her. It may not be ALL your daughter's fault.

You may also tell your daughter that no one will want to be her friend if she continues to be mean to this one girl. The other kids will see how she acts and may think she will do the same to them. She should 'kiss and make up' (so to speak) with this child that she is being mean to in order to make other friends.

Just my opinion..
Good luck!

I have a 3.5yr old and a 19mo old. I realized this same thing a few months ago with my oldest being the bossy sprocket. We finally realized that he was taking the boss role to his friends like I do with my youngest. He was playing "Mommy" with his friends. Now that the baby is older and into more, he gets more diciplined that he did as a baby when he just layed there.
What I'm saying is maybe your daughter is trying like my son to play mommy as she has by watching you and the younger child. When she is "mean" or "bossy", is she using terms in her speach or actions which you usually use for dicipline? If so you may need to talk to her about who is actually the boss and who is the kid. (I know, hard talk) Not the best "happy" solution, but it has worked for us now.

Hi,
I would suggest talking to your daughter about how she is doing. Don't focus so much on whether she is being mean to this little girl or not. Sometimes these things get blown up, the other little girl is involved in this also, even with little children it "takes two to tango". So ask your daughter how she is doing, what she feels, if there is anything she likes or doesn't like, what does she like about school, what doesn't she like.
There is a couple of amazing books by Jane Nelson I recommend, Positive Discipline and Positive Discipline for preschoolers.
She has ideas in this book that I would never think of doing and they work. Peace, J.

Hi J.,
I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging your daughters behavior and taking care of it in a loving way.

My daughter, 6, is on the other side, a friend was suddenly mean and hurtful to her. When I gently asked her mother about the situation (the girls have been friends since they were 1) I was told her daughter would never do those things and that I was wrong. Needless to say, we're not friends with that family any longer and it does sadden all of us.

So, I praise you this morning for seeing your daughter as a normal little girl and teaching her how to love and respect others rather than close your mind and refuse to help. Your little girl has learned how to bond and sustain her friendships by knowing how to treat others. You've given her a great gift.

Have a great day!
L. (40 YO mom of two girls, 13 and 6, happily married!)

Hello J.,

Being a mother of a 10 yr old girl and a 5yr old boy I can relate to what your going thru. It seems to me that your child may be craving for more attention. Usually when children act out of no where they are usually craving more attention from their parents. You may think that you're already doing this but sometimes when a smaller sibling is involved the attention you give the older child may not be enough for that child. I would suggest talking to her teacher to see if she has witness some of these behaviors and if maybe they are occurring at some times more than others. You may be able to figure out what is causing her to act out.

Dear J., Sorry for the late response. I had exactly the same situation with my 8 year old son, Charlie. It got to the point where the mother of another child rang me at home to tell me that Charlie had been nasty at school to her son. I talked to his teacher as there are always two sides to every story. Charlie had been playing with two other little boys in his class. The other two boys were being quite nasty at times and leaving him out and this was causing him hurt and in turn an unkind reaction. The teacher discussed this with all three boys and the consequences of their actions. I also had a talk with Charlie and made some suggestions about how to handle his emotions. Now the three play very well - I actually believe they have learnt from their experience. The teacher also ensured the boys were sitting separately in the classroom, which has made things easier.

It's all part of growing up.

I am mother of 3, two girls and 1 boy-7,6 and 4. I also own, manage and teach Pre-K in my daycare/preschool. The teacher needs to find out from your daughter what made her be nice one minute and mean the next. I think something happened between the both of them and this is why your daughter is responding this way. In my school we talk to both children to find out what happened.

I hope things get better with your daughter, if the teacher can't find out maybe you can.

I don't know where you are located, but my school is in Pompton Lakes and we teach the children to be nice and kind to each other and if there is ever a problem we talk about it so things don't end up in a bad situation. I have one child that was hitting alittle and found out her brother used to do that to her so we are teaching her to love and be kind to others and everytime she is good we give her a sticker to show her she is doing better, but we always keep our eyes and ears open. I think it's working, she is learning that hitting is bad and being nice is so much better. We then found out her brother has alittle of autism, so it's hard for the mother, but we are trying to work everything out.

I do wish the best of luck to you and you should tell the teacher to watch the situation and everytime your daughter is being friendly to give her a sticker, you never know it might work.

M. S.
Owner/Director/Teacher
Little Achievers
Pompton Lakes
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I signed up just to respond to you. B/c I went through this myself and found it very frustrating and embarrasing. My daughter (who is now 6 and has a 4 1/2 brother, 2 3/4 sister and a new baby due any day) was right around 4 as well. She was always such a good girl, but typical first child. She was and still is the leader of the bunch and very outgoing. Anyway, we moved when she was an early 4 into a new neighborhood (not sure if this had anything to do with it). She slowly started playing with the other kids in neighborhood and I saw her becoming mean and aggressive. She also started to become VERY clingy to me--even screaming when left with her nana and pa-pa. Needless to say, I had to be patient and also watch her like a hawk with other kids...until about 5 1/2. She stopped. Her Kindergarden teacher said she was not a problem at school, but I saw it a lot elsewhere. I was so desperate one day after church I asked the priest to remind her to be nice to others. To sum it up, I think it was a stage (thank goodness). It lasted for about a year. I just kept working on her to be nice to others...and school helped too with their "Make the right choice, do the right thing" motto being drilled into her head. She's back to being the good girl and is concerned about her actions with others (minus her siblings at home which I think is normal!)

Please ask the teacher if she sees any misbehavior in your daughter. Is this other mom is taking the word of her four year old only? If so her complaints might be out of proportion.

Maybe it's as simple as your daughter has made other friends? Maybe this other child is jealous? Or simply obnoxious and your daughter doesn't like her anymore? Children will learn empathy and a sense of fairness over the next few years. But you can't expect her to be "nice" to all the children. Try to get the whole story before deciding if and how to discipline your daughter.

So ask to teacher to keep an eye on the situation, and suggest that the other mom talk to the teacher as well. Please don't allow this to turn into a "blame game" with the other mom.. it will just end badly for you all. Put the teacher in the mix. After all she's the only adult with an unbiased view of what's really happening between to two kids.