Playdates Are Always a Disaster

Most kids don't realize the consequences to their actions. Have you told her that no-one wants to play with someone that is bossy or mean? It may be a harsh reality for her, but if you just tell her what she is doing wrong and that no-one wants to play with someone that acts like that, she should understand and try to change her ways. Also, if she is hearing this type of controlling attitude from someone else, she needs to understand that just because one person says something it doesn't make it OK to say it to someone else. It's a tough thing, be consistent in reminding her about it, it will sink in. Good luck!

It sounds like you will have to take charge of the play-dates...meaning that YOU will choose and arrange the activities beforehand, plan a schedule, etc...this will take the choice and control of the situations out of her hands until she can learn to be more gracious in her interactions. I would tell her that you see that it is hard for her and her friends to make amicable decisions, so you will help them to do that so they can have more fun together.

And, I would not go down the road of no one wants to play with a bossy or mean kid...I think that is bad for a child's self-esteem and is pretty much labeling a child. The difference is accountability of concrete actions..."mean" is not an action, it is a subjective description of actions. What is mean to one person is not to the next. Instead of telling her "When you are mean others do not want to play with you", which is a totally abstract concept...say instead "When you tell people that their choices are dumb they respond by not wanting to play with you", which is a concrete behavior that can be addressed.

My friend's daughter, HAD a friend like that.
They are not friends, anymore.
It was just too stressful for her daughter, and her.

Your Daughter is 6.
Certainly, I think you should be honest with her.
Just say, in a calm manner, that her being bossy and controlling... makes others not want to be around her.
If you walk on egg-shells around her and don't attempt to talk about it.... and just keep 'pretending' and giving her false reasons why she does not have friends, she will not learn. And she will not realize.

I have a sibling, that was like that too.
One day, my Dad, just TOLD her. That she is mean... and doesn't she KNOW by now??? She said she did. But she just wants everyone to do what she says. Oh well. So she didn't have friends, because of herself.

I think, your daughter or any child... just really needs to be told the truth. Pussy-footing around it, will not help them... improve nor teach them about people/social skills.

Again, I say this because your Daughter is 6.
If my daughter were 6 and having that problem... I WOULD tell her, honestly and calmly... and in a comforting way. But I would tell her. I would not lie to her and say its the other kids and not her, kind of thing.

Being isolated and pushed away as by others... is a real SIGN, that she has to improve.

I would just be honest with her.

If she does not learn this now.... she will have a hard time in each succeeding grade level. And then, what if she is teased etc., because of her inability to get along or because she is mean to others?

When my daughter was 6, she was in 1st grade. There was a girl in her class, that was REAL bossy and real Alpha, and not nice. My daughter knew right away, and just steered clear of her. Kids, know. My Daughter told me. I am always up front with my Daughter, about herself or how others may treat her. It serves to make them more articulate and able to "Discern" others.

all the best,
Susan

I think you may need to tell her the truth. It is going to be hard and it isn't going to be fun, but you need to explain to her than she is not being a nice friend (explain why) and let her know that chances are, until she learns how to be a good friend, she won't have play dates.

My sister was the nanny for a little girl who was down right mean (I am not saying your daughter is, just trying to give you an example). The mom finally sat down and told her that the reason she didn't have many friends and the reason those "friends" never invited her to things was because she was mean and not a good friend. The mom said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do, but it forced her daughter to think about her actions. She changed her ways and now has more friends than she knows what to do with! With a little guidance, I'm sure it will all get better! Good luck!

Our kids need lots of help in knowing how to behave in social situations. As I always tell my husband, "they didn't come out of us knowing how to do anything and it is our job to teach them everything".

With that being said, it sounds like you have a great teaching/learning situation here. Maybe doing some role play where you act like she does in a "play" situation" and see if she can tell you the issues. Also, just talking about it and giving examples and reminding her that her actions are always going to have consequences will probably help. It won't be something that will fix overnight, but with attention to the matter, it can help her very much.

Just my two cents,
R.

Maybe set a specific activity for the playdate ahead of time that way there is no question? Today we're doing a craft, or painting or whatever, that way no one gets their feelings hurt?

Consider using the wonderful communication techniques taught in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

So have you talked to her about her behaviors?
Can she share?
Can she take turns?
Have you talked about being a good hostess in her home?
Can she use her manners?

If not, get on it.. Work with her. She is not going to get very far if she is always demanding and bossy. I would not stand for that behavior EVER from our daughter. I would also not reward this behavior with more play dates, until she can prove she can be a nice hostess and friend.

If you are not sure of the correct behaviors go to to the bookstore and pick up a copy of "How Rude!: The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out " It says it is for teenagers, but the first part of the book is just basic manners for kids..
You can also order it online..

http://www.amazon.com/How-Rude-Teenagers-Behavior-Grossin...

My DD is 3 1/2 and we often role play. We talk about how certain words and actions make people feel...how they make HER feel. We talk about ways to be kind and fair when playing games and at home, she and I play games often (after DS goes to bed) and she is learning how to "lose" a game, even if not very gracefully sometimes...
With a child who is 6, you might want to talk about how her words might make another child feel. "I heard you tell Dana that her idea was dumb. I bet that hurt her feelings. Don't you think? How do you think you would feel if she told you that your game was dumb? Let's think about how we could make it more fun. Maybe you could tell her that you'd rather play dolls, but that you'll play hide and seek first since she wants to, and then play dolls. That will make both of you feel good and have more fun!"
No self-esteem bashing there!

I would explain why her playdates are failures & I would practice being her friend & teaching her manners etc.. then during the pladate just remind her with one word...manners....when you hear her reverting.

She should see natural results pretty fast...

www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com
If you enforce respect, she will develop it herself.

I would strongly suggest taking her to a child therapist now. She is young and could benefit from play therapy to get to the heart of the issues which are causing her to act out on playdates. It would be prudent to get her in therapy now, while she's just 6 -- the more her behaviors continue, the more likely it is that she will get a reputation of being "mean," which will be hard to shake off, which will bring her more negative feedback, causing more negative behavior, which will just perpetuate the problem. Also, I would make it very clear to her that if she is unable to share/be respectful on playdates, you will end them immediately.

V. G., MFT
www.virginiagilbertmft.com

My son's preschool has this AMAZING phrase:

"...learning to be a good friend."

So and so wasn't bossy/ mean/ bullying, etc. So and so was LEARNING to be a good friend, or having problems being a good friend today, etc. It wasn't "don't be mean" it WAS "That tone of voice hurts people, and friends don't hurt each other on purpose, to be a good friend try THIS tone of voice." or "We take turns with our friends." or, or, or, or.

It was really eye opening for me... because it changed the perspective. How to be a good friend really is LEARNED. It takes work, and practice, and disciplining.

So, shoe on the other foot, how might you go about teaching your daughter to be a good friend? And, since the majority of her day is probably spent away from you... can you enlist her teacher's aid in this?

OOOhhh, my DD has a touch of this syndrome. My sister has a full blown case and a close friend also has it...Its called Lucy Van Pelt syndrome. For those who arent aware, its Lucy from Peanuts...you know, the girl that knows it all and takes the ball from Charlie Brown? She also shells out her advice for 5 cents...this is how I make MY soon-to-be Lucy more like a Sally...I give it to her just like she gives it to me....when she is aggravated, I expain WHY we DONT act like that towards other people....seems to work so far...then again, she's 4.
Good Luck with your Lucy...always remember though...it may be a little annoying NOW...but when she is an attorney later, not so much!!!

You just have to explain it to her and remind her when her actions are out of line.

I havent read the other responses, so maybe repeating! I would be honest with her and tell her that her words arent always the nicest to her friends. Model to her how to tell others what she would like to do and practice helping her making concessions for others ideas. The more you guide her behavior, the better it will get. Simply put, if she wants to have playdates, she needs to learn to work with her friends, and share the ideas! Hope that Helps!!!!
L.
Licensed Kindermusik Educator
http://www.growandsing.com

There is a great book called "How to be a Friend" that we found helpful in navigating situations with some friends my son had that were bossy or not as nice as they could be - which he found hurtful - it gives examples - and is age appropriate for 4 - 7 year olds. We gave a copy to one of his bossy friends and it made a difference. Good luck.

Aske her how she would feel if her friends did to her, what she does to them. Then tell her if she plays nicer, then she'll be able to have more playdates. Nobody wants to play with someone who is mean all the time. This is what I use with my kids.

I just had a conversation about this very topic with a good friend that is a family therapist. I was asking how to help a friend who has similar issues with her daughter. Here are a couple of the highlights. You need to ask yourself if you are happy with the way things are in your home and if you think she is happy. What kind of adult do you see her becoming if things don't change. How would a marriage and kids work in that life? What do you hope for her future to be like and do you think how things are going now is going to get you there? None of us have all the answers and sometimes a parenting coach can help you see other methods you can use to get better results for your specific issues. If she is bossy it could be that she has a hard time relaxing and deep breathing before a play date or some sort of daily relaxation technique could help. Maybe have a Trigger worked out so when you hear her doing this at a play date you make a certain noise (clear your throat) that reminds her she should check her behavior so it doesn't get to the point of tears. One more idea is to look around for another strong willed little girl or boy to play with and a good dose of her own medicine might cure her. You could also videotape some of her behavior and go over it with her later and ask her to tell you how she sounded, how her friend may have felt etc. Hope there was something helpful here and remember all of this is helping you to grow too. Sending a big hug because nothing makes us hurt worse than problems with our kids.

Hi,

Have you thought about just before someone coming over, doing some role plays with her? Practice choosing the games, playing together, sharing etc. Remind her to treat other people the way she wants to be treated. Good luck.
M