Stuck in the Middle... - Culpeper,VA

You haven't listed any reasons as to why he doesn't like her?
Was she really mean to him when you were dating?
Does she demean his job when she sees him?
Why is he so rude to her?

I get being introverted or shy, but to be flat out mean and rude, that (short of her being a b*tch herself) would be inexcusable to me, and I would be having some words with my husband...

My mom and I do not get along, so I am trying to see it from the point of view of actually wanting to see my mom and that would make me very ad and angry :(

If I were in your situation I would talk with my husband and basically tell him to stop acting like a child and to be friendly to guests. Unless he has a good reason for his dislike, then he is just acting like a fool and apparently needs to be reminded about being a gracious host. He should be able to suck it up and play nice for a few days.

Omg. This is horrible. Unless your mother was abusive to you or has a drug problem and is a threat to you or your children than your husband sounds like a true jerk. I am sorry this is your mother. I cannot even imagine being with someone who did not treat my family especially my mother with the most respect. I also cannot imagine not spending one thanksgiving with my mom. You need to step up and be firm. This should not be a choice you should have to make and if your husband loved you he would never put you in this position. I feel bad for you. But why on earth would you put up with this? You need to give him a choice grow up and treat my mother with the upmost respect or you can go somewhere else for thanksgiving. How would you feel if your child did this to you later in life?????

I am not sure if they talk that the outcome will be any better. Do you know the reason he doesn't like your mom? Can it be fixed? If its not a make or break thing he needs to get down off his high horse and go along to get along. Quit pouting. I have seen so many men pout that I just don't tolerate it well. Reminds me of a 3 yr old.

Your husband needs to grow up, smile at your mom when she walks in the door and make polite chit-chat pretending he cares about what she is talking about. He needs to do this because you are his wife and he loves you and cares about your feelings. She's not even staying in your home! He's being incredibly selfish.

Let him read this letter, and then ask him to grow up and start acting like an adult. Your mother raised you, so he should give her some sort of respect, and he should give you respect too- this is your mother for crying out loud. He needs to stop being so selfish.

My husband and my Mom do not get along.
They have their history and their reasons.
I'm not in the middle.
I can have a relationship with both and not expect either of them to have anything to do with the other.
They each have to understand I love them both and I WILL NOT STAND either trash talking about the other.
My husband and Mom are so alike it's not even funny.
They refuse to see it (they are both stubborn) - they even like the exact same tv shows.
They are each adults and I'm not going to try to force anyone to pretend to like one another.
They've tried, made an effort - and failed - and that's good enough for me.
Your husband sounds like he's never tried at all.
He should bend a little here, and if it doesn't work out, then alright - they are done.

Assuming there is no bad blood between them and this is just a case of your husband not liking your Mom due to personality conflicts then he needs to man up for YOUR sake.

Not everyone is going to like each other or enjoy spending time together. However, marriage is all about respecting each other and compromising. This isn't your 3 cousin twice removed, it's your Mother. The very least your husband should do is be a gracious host.

I would ask him to extend the same courtesy to your Mother that you extend to his family. It's a few days, anyone can muster a smile and polite conversation for a few hours a day for a few days.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

If there are no other major issue's then your husband needs to man up and grow up. If nothing else, he should be a gracious host, and treat them as he would anyone visiting within the home.

My husband can not stand his mother, he has good reason, so I always felt in the middle also. I don't make excuse for him anymore, his mom knows, she knows why, but it is their issue. When he is over there, he sets the example for the kids, he is polite, never rude and tries. Your husband needs to do the same thing.

Is he like this when his own mother comes to visit? If not you need to have a serious talk with him, he needs to understand that this is your mother, and if he loves you he will treat her the same way as he would treat his own mother. I disliked my FIL for years, but when he came to visit I was always open and nice, that is just part of what you do for each other when you are married. He needs to stop acting like a baby and man up.

added:after reading your additional information it seems this issue goes deeper and is more painful then even you realized. It may be time for some couples counseling. He is hurting you more then he knows, and he needs to know that.

Your husband needs to grow up and quit being such a jerk. I personnally am not a huge fan of my in laws but I am ALWAYS nice and respectful - even when they are not.

I do agree with you sitting down and having a very strong conversation with your husband and let him know that not only is he being disrespectful and rude to your mom but also to you!

I would also let him know that if he wants to be a jerk he can go be a jerk somewhere else while your mom is there because I wouldn't want him around anyway.

Not sure if you have kids or not but is this really the example you want the father of your children or children to be to teach your kids????

I did not go in your profile, closet or google you to find out any past history about your mama. But, I could not stay with a man who disrespected my parents --even if they were sleeze bags swingers who like to ride horses in the nude!

You have mom come and enjoy every minute of that visit. Let hubby go sit in his office the whole time and not come out at all> You and mom and the kids have a blast. He will eventually figure out he's the one missing out.

Plus he will enjoy having some alone time for those days mom is in town.

H., if she hasn't been awful to him, then he should be ashamed of himself for his behavior. I think that it's time for him to be called on the carpet about this. You spend time with his family. You don't treat HIS mom this way. Time to tell him to step up and stop acting like a turd or you will not be going to his family's house. And stand up to him.

You have the right to have your mom over if you want her. She isn't even staying with you. Demand that he act better than this. He is being a jerk and you shouldn't put up with it.

Do NOT tell your mom that he doesn't like her. It will hurt her a great deal. Do NOT sit down and talk with the two of them. Your husband is acting like a petulant teenager and this shouldn't be something that you have to be stuck with. Tell him to treat your mom right before YOU start disliking HIS mother. (Not that you would ever dislike her for real, but he needs to have to think about how his mother would feel if you treated her like he treats his mom.)

Dawn

I think your hubby is in the wrong. When two people get married they become part of each others' families. He doesn't have to love your mom, but he has to be respectful. It would not be okay with me if my husband didn't allow my family to visit. My husband does not like my younger sister AT ALL, but she has been here twice and he keeps his mouth shut:)

I guess it would help if he knew why he didn't like her so much? My thoughts are - it's only for a few days, he doesn't have to be best friends with her but some common courtesy and be NICE shouldn't be too hard!!

I think your husband is being very disrespectful to you. He doesn't have to like her but he DOES have to be respectful. She raised you and for that he should be thankful.

If you aren't on his team then what are you? The maid, babsitter, for sex? Aren't you an equal partner. If you show his family kindness, shouldn't you expect the same from him? I think you should and I think you know that. You and hubby need to have a very serious conversation about your family. Personally, I would say "mom is coming for a visit and you WILL be polite and respectful". To me, this is non negotiable.

Next, why did your husband feel the need to tell you that his family discusses your flaws? It sounds like he wants you to feel less of a partner and not accepted. That is another major red flag!

Do I like all of my in laws? Most of the time. Does my hubby like my family? Most of the time. However we feel we are ALWAY loving, respectful to them. My inlaws raised a wonderful man and I'm thankful that I was able to improve on that!!! =)

I feel your pain...really I do. I have a similar situation.

My Dad and Stepmother come to visit us once every 3 years or so, if that..... Really not very often. They have seen my 6 year old twice and my 4 year old once. The last time that they came, they stayed with us for one whole day overnight and that is it. My DH made an extremely rude comment to them within the first 10 minutes of their visit which made them feel horribly unwelcome for the remainder of their VERY short visit. It pretty much set the tone for the entire visit. I was absolutely MORTIFIED. He did not see that he was rude at all. SO, now they will not come back based on the way that they were treated by my DH.

On the other side of the coin, my DH expects me to lay out the red carpet when his parents come. His mother annoys me beyond belief. My point is that he makes absolutely NO effort with my family, so why do I have to go out of my way to accomodate his? I am not rude by any means.

It is tense and it causes us arguments every year. My DH refuses to talk to my folks so I don't know what to tell you. I understand that my DH does not like them and I understand why eventhough they have not treated him badly....they have some horribly annoying characteristics. However, he does not see how annoying his own family can be to me.

No real suggestions...just lots of sympathy from me.

The way I see, those poor foster kids are stuck in the middle too.... not to mention, your son...
This is a situation where some "adult" needs to bite the bullet for the sake of the ALL the kids... Kids learn from example... You can't make either side talk, but you can stop giving into both sides... You aren't stuck in the middle if you choose to get out of it..
IF you husband is sitting around moping, then let HIM explain himself... and if your mom is jealous, then let her deal with it... It's not your job to deal with their emotions/feelings... However, if you feel uncomfortable, then speak up for you.. keep it real..
Find a way to change your perception and behavior and I assure you, the rest will begin to either fall into place or away..
We teach people how to treat us... Start with this.. when either complains to you.. STOP them in their tracks.. tell them to take it up with the other person.. BAM... you are out of the middle... it's small steps like that that lead to more sanity around the house..

good luck

I would tell them both to put on big kid panties. She needs to stop being overbearing (or at least keep more of her comments to herself) and he needs to at least say hello. When I first met/married DH, I used to get all spun up about his ex's antics. My SIL said, "Honey, we've had 10 years to get used to her. You're just playing catch up." 10 years of marriage (almost) later, I'm pretty meh about his ex - SIL was right. You have a LIFETIME of dealing with your mom. To him, she's a new beast. So you have to see it from his POV and he yours.

Were it me, I'd sit down with him and say that his family is important to him, warts and all, right? So is yours. How can you and he work out a compromise so you get to see your mom for an important holiday and WWIII doesn't break out? You'll do x and could he do y?

If there are bigger underlying issues, like not feeling a part of the team, then you and DH should consider counseling together. My DH was used to doing everything on his own - making his own decisions for himself and his household. It took a while to change it to include me, too. It is easy to fit one person into the status quo, but be careful not to only go one way. He needs to accommodate you, too.

The other thing, IMO, is that he shouldn't detail to you the gossip from his family. Why put you down by proxy? He should be supportive to you and defend you to his family. Everybody has flaws! So what? Harping on them only makes things worse. Sounds like everybody involved needs to pick their battles and not fight every little thing. Stop being so judgmental of each other and start acting like family.

Apparently your mother has not really done anything to warrant this level of dislike from your hubby - he just doesn't particularly like her personality. He needs to get over it. They are family now whether he likes it or not.

And why did he feel it necessary to share with you that his family has discussed your flaws? Does he think that he and his family have no flaws? Everyone does. No one is perfect.

You need to point that out to hubby and tell him to climb down off his high horse because he and his family are just as humanly flawed as you and your mom are.

And you're right - it doesn't sound like to me that he's on your "team." Sounds like he's on his family's team and he just expects you to run along the sidelines and look in, but not really be part of. Not a good familial situation.

Sorry for your child because at some point this is going to become a problem for him.

Hi, H.:

You put yourself in the Middle. Had you thought about finding a Co-Dependence Anonymous support group and attending their meetings?

Yes, you have identified that there are issues between you and your husband. His anger towards you is displaced onto your Mother as a distraction.
Here is a quote from Family Life: Simply Romantic Nights.

:In the Song of Solomon 2:15 the verse reminds us of the 'little foxes that are ruining th vineyards.' These are the things that will steal the fruit of love before it has a chance to be enjoyed. If you want to taste the delicious fruit of romantic love in your relationship, then you'd better pay close attention to those things that are nipping your love in the bud. For us, these 'foxes' have included:
Wrong priorities
Young kids who wear us out
Teenagers who won't go to bed
Financial pressures
Changing seasons of a marriage
Poor health
Crowded schedules
Unrealistic expectations
Critical spirits
Unresolved conflict

We think the most deadly fox, however, is apathy. If you truly are committed to making your marriage last for a lifetime, and enjoying the type of oneness God intends in a relationship, you need to make a choice to keep romance in your marriage. Neglect has snuffed out the romantic fires in far too many marriages.
Some people have grown so apathetic toward their mates that romance is a forgotten memory."

Somehow it seems your husband is feeling neglected and feels like you love your Mother more than you love him. This is coming from you trying to placate both your husband and your Mother.

You don't have to tell your Mom your husband doesn't like her, he shows it, she knows it. Make a plan with your husband about Thanksgiving. Allow him his space and you and your Mom and children do things that makes you happy. If your Mom wants to ask questions that relate to your husband, tell her to go ask him. Don't try to control every one, maybe you are controlling, and don't realize it by saying you are trying to placate.

Good luck.
D.

I agree with hubs that he needs to do for his son, his family and himself. His problem? Now that you all are married and have kids his primary family is YOU and his son! His parents and siblings and others are fine, bu you three come first! He needs to get that and so do you. There are reasons he is uncomfortable with your mom and you need to dig deeper to get to the root of that and then deal with that with your mom. Stop her from those behaviors. He needs to do the same for his "family"! Both of you need to make your new nuclear family , which does not include inlaws and siblings and grandparents etc, the number one priority.

Your husband is the one being manipulative! He is attempting to manipulate you into turning against your mother. Manipulating you into turning against his family (who tells their wife something hurtful their family said unless it can be helpful?!?!) and he is trying to manipulate you into believing there is something wrong with you just b/c you want to be a decent human being who spends time with her family! I'm sorry but he is a mean-spirited, selfish person. You need to seek marriage counseling. This is only a small part of a much, much larger picture. When my mom was allive, she had many, many faults but my husband sucked it up and focused on the good in her (which everyone has). He was a sweet, loving son-in-law b/c that's what you do when you pledge "for better or for worse!"

Wow you are stuck in the middle. Sounds like its time to put your foot down with hubby...place your cards on the table and make your demands...if he really loves you he will bend to something.