I Have a Personality Flaw! Need Your Advice...

Wondering if this could be of help to me, but don't know what DH stands for. could someone help me out on this?

I would tell your SIL much of what you told us, using the approach suggested in Non-Violent Communication (google this for lots of descriptions, examples, books, classes…). You're describing a two-part problem, so I'll give you examples of what two possible scripts might sound like (of course, these are based only on the information in your request, so you can probably come up with something more complete and focused).

Script one;

1. Make a non-judgemental obsevation, and ask if it is accurate: "SIL, I hear that my comments and advice to you over the years has been an unhappy situation for you, and you wish I would give you less advice. I, too, have noticed that I am really likely to give too much advice, and I want you to know I really wish to change this tendency. That's how I see the current situation. Do you think I have that right?" Accept feedback and adjust until your sister agrees with your assessment.

2. Report your feelings (like mad, sad, glad, confused, frustrated, impatient), but be careful not to report your concepts about your feelings (like capable, appreciative, disrespected, rejected, right or wrong). "I feel sad to hear you can't stand to be around me. I am upset, surprised and frustrated with myself when I realize I have yet again offered unwanted advice."

3. Can you state a need? "SIL, I need to feel understood, too, and given the benefit of the doubt. I really want to help build family relationships that are comfortable for all of us, and need your help in realizing when I have overstepped."

4. Make a request that is within her ability to satisfy: "When you notice that you are feeling angry or hurt, it would help me to hear that from you immediately. Will you work with me on helping me change this habit?"

Script two:

1. Make a non-judgemental observation, and ask for feedback: "When you bring your children to visit, your son engages in specific behavior that I don't allow in my own children, like X, Y, or Z. I do understand that he's an energetic boy. But any time I express worry about my children or my house, you tell me you can't/won't intercept him, and seem not to understand why I would even bring it up. I wonder if that seems accurate to you?"

2. Report your feelings: "I feel upset, impatient, and tense, and frustrated when this happens repeatedly. It has reached the point that I dread visits from you and your son, and then I feel sad to have such difficult feelings."

3. State a need. "I need to have a sense of control over what happens in my home. I need to have my house rules considered, and to know you are making an attempt to limit your son's opportunities to hurt my kids or my furnishings. I need to relax and enjoy visits from guests, especially family. I need to be able to tell you what I need without fearing that you will automatically take offense.

4. Make a request. "Please help me find a way to acknowledge and meet both of our needs." Or, "I wish to make my house rules known to your son when he's here, and I need your participation in helping him stay more in line." Or, "Will you repeat what you think I've just said? I'd like to know whether I've expressed my needs clearly."

Good luck. This approach can make a tremendous difference in your communication, especially separating judgements and concepts from actual feelings. People can always argue about concepts, but nobody can be blamed for the pure feelings they have.

Your final request, should all else fail, might be that your sister and her son not visit until he's a little older and has better impulse control. That's going to be difficult, but if with careful, respectful listening from you and a clear expression of how difficult your feelings are during these visits, you have a real chance of facilitating positive changes.

Everybody is acting like this is a playdate,but i'm guessing it's more like family get togethers and holidays and things.

So my advice, first is yes, keep your mouth shut when dealing with her.
Control what you can of the situation-
Make sure to the best of your ability that you pick the best time of day for having these get togethers, If you have the choice of celebrating grandma's birthday at lunch or at 8pm, pick lunch time, Try to make sure the kids are fed as close to what ever schedule your sis in law has ( i'm hoping she has one, maybe?) do you see what i mean??? meet this boys physical needs so that he is less likely to act wild.
Also plan high energy activites for him, it doesn't sound like he does well beign told to go play unsupervised in the playroom. Or on the other hand if sitting and vegging in front of a movie keeps him from climbing your walls, make a consession that for the time he is over your kids get the treat of watching a movie.
I know my own kids do better with their cousins if an adult is in the room with them, make sure your hubby takes turns supervising.
I hope this doesn't sound rude, because it isn't how i intend it, hard to convey meaning with out tone of voice etc. But anyhow, What do you likle about your nephew??? I ask this because my nephew is 7 and I have a hard time connecting with him, all he talks about is baseball and that just makes me want to roll my eyes, so it's been on my mind alot about how aunts and uncles should treat their nephews and neices. and how to really connect with them and develop a loving bond. So anyhow, I hope something i said was helpful.

First you need to stop telling her how to parent and start talking about how you feel in as kind a way as possible.

Say "I would like to be able to be friendly with you. I do not mean to seem overbearing or give you advice you don't want or such. When the kids are over here, I panic because I feel like my boundaries are violated at every turn, because we just have extremely different parenting styles. I feel like my stuff that we can't afford to replace is being abused, and the things that are normal to you, are often well outside my comfort zone. Neither one of us are more right about how to parent, but in my space I need different things than I might in other venues. I know that is in no way your intention to disrespect me, either, and that we are just very different people. I would like to find a way to stop panicking that this is going on in my space so that I can stop seeming pushy with advice and correction you don't want to hear. My first thought is that perhaps we should go out, meet at parks, etc, where I won't be prone to these panic attacks over the difference in our rules and boundaries, and can try to start over with being friendly with much less of both of us pushing the other's buttons accidentally. There are only a couple of things which I really need your help with if we can change the venue to your house or public to reduce my stress level. For example, whatever is normal elsewhere for your child, at least when he is with mine, I really do need a way to change that he's felt like it was okay to hit my child. I am willing to correct him myself, or let you do it, at your preference, but if they're going to see each other, that's a deal breaker for me. But there are only one or two things like that one that I need help with what is okay with you. For the most part, changing location should help me a lot to not seem like such a pain in the butt to you. Thank you for listening and your help with the one or two exceptions."

She may still be mad and say no, but at least you have tried to stop projecting your needs onto her to change, and offered her an alternative that might help reset the situation for both of you for the most part.

Yay that your husband backs you up!! That's so important!! Why have them over?? Why not just meet up at McDonalds play area or at her house? When you absolutely must have her over, don't talk directly to her about what she should be doing to get her son to behave-- just pretend she isn't there and speak directly to your nephew about his behavior as if you were babysitting him at your house.

Calm down on giving advice to people unless it is an obvious danger sign or they ask for it.

As for your sil, since your hubby has already talked to her, treat her kid like any kid you would at the park.

If he hits yours say, "no hitting honey, let's play nice." if he jumps on the furniture say, "let's get down, we don't jump on the couches", if he gets into your stuff, bring out crayons and say, "here, lets color for a while and leave these other things alone"...

Eventually, his mom will figure it out take the parenting role over, or she will leave b/c she is mad that you are making him follow rules and be nice and or she'll leave b/c she's embarrassed that she doesn't do anything herself.

Now, I do have boys this age, and yes they are very energetic, huge handfuls and it's true, moms of a lot of the little girls around here don't understand... they jump on everything, use everything they can as playthings, all over the place all the time... but hitting is not an "he's just a boy" behavior attitude, and 3 is definatly old enough to teach not to hit and to not jump/destroy....

I guess my comment will come from the other side. I have a SIL (my bro's wife) that makes the rest of us feel put down, corrected and generally gives unwanted and unsolicited advice in a very condescending know-it-all manner. It's painful to be around and she doesn't realize that she's doing it, even though the rest of the family does.

So why do we put up with it?! Because I love my brother. Plain and simple. Why don't we confront her about it? Because we have taken the path of showing her love and respect without confict for the few hours we have her around in the hopes that she will see that how she treats us is not how we treat each other. And because I love my brother, I will continue to show respect to the woman he chose as a wife.

So why won't your SIL come talk to you about her feelings? I'm thinking this is happening for a couple reasons: 1) Because she's not the one that's directly related to you. You're married to her brother, right? So, she's spent her entire life with him and can more easily talk to him than most anyone else. Same on my end. I call my brother to chat. I call my sister to chat and she calls me. We don't call our in-laws to chat. And if I want to hang out with or have an issue with one of their spouses, it's so much easier to talk to the people that have been through more with me than anyone else--my siblings. And 2) I think you nailed it that she sees how well your house is run and is quite possibly very ashamed at the shape of hers and any confrontation to you will just add to that shame.

I'm certainly not excusing her lack of respect for your house rules and lack of control of her child! If you feel that your children are in danger from her child's behaviors, remove the kids from the danger--change activities--redirect. Without being harsh or criticizing. Could say something like "Hitting hurts, so lets color instead. (SIL's kid) would you like to join us?" Now you've stated that hitting is not ok and you're doing something inclusive and constructive with her child.

It can help keep the peace in both your house and possibly hers. And if she's feeling peaceful and supported, perhaps she'll be better able to assert herself to be the parent she wants to be.

It's a VERY tough situation to be in and I wish you the best of luck! If you find something that works, let me know and perhaps I'll be able to use it with my situation as well :)

I can understand you trying to tell him to stop doing things , especially in your house when his own mom won't stop him. Your husband has told her what the issue is and she still let's him carry on so I just wouldn't have her over anymore , meet elsewhere or go to their house.

Glad you recognize you give unsolicited advice that may not come from a great place or come out the right way. Course, your SIL has issues too here that take creative solutions.

I now have a rule that my husband deals with his family and I deal with mine. He never has to settle something with mine and vice versa.

So in that scenario, your husband would have the responsibility of speaking up to the child (don't climb on the furniture) and then to the mom in private maybe (we don't do that here and don't want to change that).

If she then speaks up to him, he answers back firmly. You wouldn't have had to be involved in speaking to her. All you'd had to do was reinforce it.

Say, if her child hits your child, jumps on the furniture, and your husband's not in the room, you say to the child (no, you can't do that or please come downstairs and be with us. We don't want that in our house.) You can "apologize" to her like this: "Sorry. We just don't do that here." If the kid gets up and does it again and the mom doesn't act on it, then you can speak to your husband or end the visit nicely ("Oh, I really must go. My child looks distressed." Or, "let's continue this visit another time. I'm a bit stressed out." Keep it to your feelings -- not the why or how she needs to fix it. I told my husband that if his grandchild jumped on our furniture again and this family party at our house that he wanted to have -- and if the child didn't respond to my "no" and his parents didn't step in when I knew they heard me, I would just tell my husband to tell the family that I went to take an asperin and lay a moment. Then he has to figure out how to end it. He doesn't like it either but he'd rather not have to deal with it if I do. So, I just don't volunteer to be "the heavy."

He needs to respond for himself. You and the child are his family. He's trying to make it between you two. Not. If she gets less invitations, she may get the point. Why should you have to deal with his family. He knows how to talk to them. And even If he doesn't, they'll forgive him a lot faster than they'll forgive you.

That's my two cents.

I don't really have a ton of advice, but I totally get where you're coming from! I've had friends with kids the same age as mine, who hit, bite, scream, throw food, abused our pet etc etc And when you try to "nicely" address it, they get angry and defensive. "They're just babies/kids" "it's not their fault"..... RIGHT! It's yours, be a parent and TEACH your children by correcting their behavior, and getting involved when they aren't acting right! Instead, you are supposed to let your child, or house be at the receiving end of their wild behavior?? I'm totally with you, SOOO many parents today are LAZY and use excuses for their kids CONTINUAL bad behavior. How they are going to learn?? I see with friends, family, and strangers. It's really hard when you're trying to get along, and have playmates for your kids. Hang in there :)

In Case it makes you feel any better, I will scold other people children quite often. Not strangers of course. But my nephews, my godchildren, my friends kids, you bet. Not because I think I know better then their parents, but because I worry about their safety and love them enough to worry about their character. I also would not be insulted if someone saw my son being out of line and nipped it in the bud. The way I see it, my house, my rules. I think I am by far the strictest of all my friends and relatives. However, I am also the only one brave enough have 5 or 10 kids over to my house and they all have a great time, and don't want to leave... and don't drink in the living room, and wash their hands before dinner, and keep their hands to themselves. So if your sister in law doesn't like it then don't have them to your house. Apologize for offending her and at holidays go to her house instead of letting them trash yours. When parents have kids that are out of control it's usually not because they don't know how they should be parenting, it's because it's easier to look the other way and make excuses.

I agree with Jen. let your hubby handle his sister. But in your house it is your rules. Keep your mouth shut elsewhere, but in your house you are entitled.

Well if you want peace in the family....maybe apologize for being condescending and giving her unwanted advice in certain situations. BUT...as far as house rules are concerned you stand by them. I do not like anyone standing on my furniture or hitting my child either! I did not hesitate to speak up either when this has happened in my home. Not only do I get uptight when this has happened my husbands face starts to cringe. Having respect in your home is not much to ask. Good for your husband for sticking by you. If it were me, I would not have them over for a long time. Seeing how she feels about you. I would be respectful with her, just not invite her over to your home.

Wow, this is a tough situation... The fact that you have acknowledged some of your "flaws" is a positive step. I think it's reasonable to apologize to your SIL for offering unsolicited advice or condescending to her. On the other hand, your house rules are your house rules and she has got to respect that when her children are at your home and interacting with your kids, that there are just certain things that you won't permit. Come up with an agreement that you can both live with, i.e. "Hitting my kids is not okay, will you address it if it happens again or are you comfortable with me doing it?" Try meeting on neutral territory for family gatherings, if there is such a thing.

You can't. You can't allow someone to make you crazy, it's that simple. If she allows her children to destroy her home and furniture, that is her choice, but it is senseless to allow someone else's children to come for a visit and destroy what you have worked so hard for.

Maybe you guys just need a break for a bit and then should carry on this relationship in a park or public place.

Oh yes - this is a tough one! I deal with this with a couple of friends whose children are just out of control. Natasha gave some good advice and it is what I try to do myself. Meet at a neutral location like a park or the library. There are lots of free programs through local parks and recreation departments so maybe you can find an activity that all of your children would enjoy. If there is an occassion where everyone needs to be at your house, then I agree with setting some ground rules that you both agree on. In my book, it is NOT ok for guests to run amuck and destroy your home no matter their age or relationship with you. You need to sit down and sort this out before she comes into your home again. Then back off and see what happens. If she cannot guide her son and help him follow the established rules, then it sounds like you should just not have them over again until perhaps her son is older or she is better able to parent him. Unless your SIL asks, I would not offer any parenting advice. That will put her on the defensive. And make sure that YOU take some responsibility by telling her that her son's behavior puts you on edge and makes you uncomfortable and although it is something that you are trying to work on, it is also just part of who you are. Also let her know that her son's behavior is in direct opposition to the model you would like your children to follow and you do not want your children observing his behavior and thinking that it is ok for them to act that way. It is a legitimate point. Good luck! I wish there was a simply way to make this work.

I would let your husband handle this one, it is his sister. It sounds like he is doing just what he should. If next time she is over she still can not respect your house rules, than have him talk to her again.

Dont have her over period! Have playdays in public places, parks librarys, Chuck E. Cheese etc. If she cant handle her kids then you shouldnt have to put up with it. Go to her house instead, or not if its too much for you. In regards to advice: dont give it unless your asked. It can come across badly even though mean well. I am a bit of a know it all too. I just dont offer advice anymore, or make comments that may be hurtful. Just bite your tongue.If you find that things dont get better between you to, you may need to rethink this relationship. If its too hard to keep drop it.

I may be the odd one, but I don't think you're the one with the problem.

She's left you no options. She does nothing and it's your house. I mean, really - what are you supposed to do? Let her unruly child treat your belongings like garbage, run amok all over your house, destroy things at his will?

You don't have to give her advice. Her child is not really your problem most of the time (thankfully) so just stick by your guns on your house rules and make sure you're not offering unwanted advice. It's really the only realistic choice I see. If you stop letting them come over you could cause family tension - it's really not worth all of that. Maybe if you keep enforcing your rules SHE will stop coming over and do you both a favor.

I would personally tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way - but I won't let anyone jump on my furniture or hit my kids. It was never my intention to put you down, I assumed in the past when you told me you can't control him you might like some advice on what you could do differently. I will make an attempt not to give you any advice, but I will not stop enforcing my house rules." Pick your battles.

I hope this helps!

Family are the hardest people to tell something is "wrong"! Especially when they think u are attacking their children. They think their children are perfect just like any other parent in the world! If u don't want to watch her child just say you can't for whatever reason and then finally she will get the hint! And if she doesn't like u, why is she even asking you to watch her child in the first place! What I would do is the next time she ask you to watch her child is say I will watch him but, he will follow our house rules and if you don't make him listen to us then this will be the last time. But in the meantime while he is there make sure you give him something to do, like a puzzle or something to color etc. Good Luck, family is sometimes hard to deal with especially in laws!

Updated

Family are the hardest people to tell something is "wrong"! Especially when they think u are attacking their children. They think their children are perfect just like any other parent in the world! If u don't want to watch her child just say you can't for whatever reason and then finally she will get the hint! And if she doesn't like u, why is she even asking you to watch her child in the first place! What I would do is the next time she ask you to watch her child is say I will watch him but, he will follow our house rules and if you don't make him listen to us then this will be the last time. But in the meantime while he is there make sure you give him something to do, like a puzzle or something to color etc. Good Luck, family is sometimes hard to deal with especially in laws!

With the little info I have here is my stab at it.

Call your SIL. Or better yet, meet with her with your husband for moral support. Don't gang up on the SIL though. Tell her that you are so happy she expressed her feelings and that you want to work on how you can make things better. Apologize for ever making her feel inadequate as a Mom. That was never your intention. You care about her and her family and want to get along.

Don't criticize her or her kids. Assure her you want the cousins to enjoy each other.

Then tell her you respect her choices with her kids, but that you have rules at your house and those you can't compromise on. Agree to disagree and find an alternate meeting place for the future. A park, a family restaurant, etc.... If her kids are too rough on your kids when you are together either ask them to come sit by you, or ask your SIL to intervene. In fact you can ask your SIL when you meet whether she would be comfortable with that? Otherwise, I don't care if her kids are hanging from the chandeliers, keep your mouth shut. Only discipline your own children.

Hang in there. This will be a bit of a roller coaster but as time goes on it will hopefully smooth over.

I think the advice so far is spot on, especially about standing up for your rules in your own home; good for your DH that he is backing you up as a team member should! Without knowing more about your supposed personality "flaw", my feeling is that you are possibly being too hard on yourself...after all, if your SIL has let this build up for TEN years, how could you know that that which was apparently offered from a good place was not appreciated? Previous respondents are correct in suggesting that you stick to talking about your feelings...this is the least confrontational way of communicating and would perhaps be a good role-model for your SIL. Echoing what someone has just said may sound funny or clinical at first, but it can turn into an opportunity to let the other person open up, and can often present an opportunity to ask if the person would like your advice.

And, unless there are medical/emotional challenges, three years old is old enough to understand different behavior for different places. Because of his handicap of lack of home learning from his Mom, he may need the time-out space (or whatever Mom uses at home) to "remind" him of the appropriate behavior. If you can't use this method without any trace of anger, gloating or frustration, it will likely fail, especially for this child. An attitude of heartfelt empathy..."I'm so sorry you won't be able to play with the ____ because you aren't listening, and now you will have to go to timeout" is what you are aiming for. Perhaps a cooling-off period will be necessary for you to get to this place with this child... or maybe you just need to wait for maturation on his part - and, hopefully, his Mother's!

My CV: No, I did not raise a boy, but rather, a girl who for a long time, acted like one and was wildly hyperactive, to boot. Now I'm a fully participating Grandma to two boys as different as night and day, but one is just like his Mama!

Well, it's always tough when dealing with family. I have certain rules in my home and I expect all children (and parents) to follow them when they come. "He's just a boy" doesn't cut it in my house.

It is your house and you do have a right to ask for the house rules to be followed by people who come into your home. With that being said, HOW you say is can make a world of difference.

I have a nephew who is "very active" and "forgets" he has to follow rules. When he is over, and he brakes a rule, I call him into the room we are in and I tell him (in front of his parents) that we do not allow that behavior in our home and if he continues to do it, he will have to sit in time out. I say it in a firm, but gentle voice. If he does it again, I tell him he has to sit in time out and I may ask his mom where she prefers he sits.

I have no problem gently correcting children in front of their parents when they are in my home. If the parents aren't going to, then I will. It send mixed messages to my children if others come into our home and have different rules to follow and I explain that if a parent has an issue.

If someone thinks my rules are outrageous, then they do not have to come over. Sounds horrible to say, but really its not.

Parents should care if their children are misbehaving or breaking rules. It doesn't matter where you go, the grocery store, the library, school, church, there will always be rules to follow. Would the woman allow her son to jump on a display at Dillards?? Would she allow him to hit a child in school?? I would guess not. So, why should she allow it in your house. She is not doing any good by him, letting him be disrespectful to you, your home and your children. Good for you to stand up and good for your husband to back you up.

I hope she is willing to help curb her sons behavior so your family can still get together and have fun.

I feel bad for you. I have no good advice. I agree with you we don't let kids stand on our furniture either. If the child parents ignores that rude behavior in my house or in my yard I feel forced to reprimand the child myself. Something that is totally out of my comfort zone. I am more the discipline parent since I am home full time but don't enjoy disciplining other peoples kids.
Its hard because she is not willing to see your side. Just be pleasant as possible.

If she doesn't like you, why is she still coming over? Yes we can all be a bit different regarding the level of control we exert on our children. Parenting can be far too focused on control and "making sure the child learns x, y and z", I read recently that an average child is told what to do about 2000 times a day. But saying a child can't stand on furniture isn't exactly extreme. Perhaps it is clear in your voice that you are annoyed with this child. I would try to take a little time out before they come over and think about the absolute nos versus the other preferred but not essential nos. And see if you can manage to ask the boy to do x, y and z in a neutral tone. I would avoid giving your SIL any advice at all. If she wants some, then and only if she asks would I volunteer any advice at all. Good luck.

You may enjoy listenting to Marshall Rosenberg's "Non Violent Communication". It's very interesting and informative. I borrowed it from our local library, but here's the link on Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/3yorqcb

It's also in book form, but I'm much better at audio versions of things.

It's pretty popular and if you find it helpful, there's *probably* a NVC group that meets in your area.

Only have them over for Back yard BBQ's or meet up at their house.
Your house, Your Rules. I have a family member whos daughter behaved poorly at my home and I was reluctant to have them over. Furniture was written on :(

I have a clan of 3 plus one on the way. I know being able to go out and visit is important but part of the reason for that is so we can visit other peoples homes and Practice Good Manners. Respect and Cooperation skills.
Not OK for her to let her child run a Muck in your home.

As someone who received advice that is rude and hurtful I see your SIL point. But your house equals your rules. I too have a SIL who doesn't make her children mind. That is fine and I have no issues and offer no opinions. But we don't invite them over to the house. If they need to be seen we go to their house or go out to eat. Just stop the invites.

I first want to say that it is really cool that you are recognizing all the sides to this and want to make things work. I think anything to do with how children behave in your home is up to you, but definitely back off on how she lets her children behave in general, especially if it comes up when you are not in your home.

I also have pretty unruly boys, we are often stuck in the house to play when weather is yucky or I have too much housework, so I am one of those "too relaxed" moms. More often than not, our couch cushions are on the floor being used as gym mats or landing pads, we make indoor hurdles out of matchbox car tracks and run "laps" in our downstairs, play fight, etc. It is my way of allowing them to have their needed free play in a space that is too small. I do draw the line at anything that inflicts pain, standing or climbing on the TOPS of the backs of the furniture, climbing the bookshelves, etc. Basically, we have a somewhat calmer version of chaos in my home and try to be outside whenever we can.

I do not allow my children to play like this in other people's homes, and I do not let them play wildly when other children are over because I do not know how the other children will respond. I try to apply the most tame parent's rules wherever we are playing. If someone is here, and they do not let their children play with swords, we put up the toy swords before they get here. If they do not let their children stand on the furniture, I try to keep my children from doing it, too. It is a courtesy because it keeps the other parents from having to undo any "bad" play habits my kids might show (bad because they do not allow it), and it helps my kids learn that some families have different rules.

So, I guess my thoughts are that your sister-in-law should be making an effort to follow your "rules" for play indoors, although you might want to see if you can adjust the environment a bit before they arrive, or just keep as much of the play outside as possible. We have a very small living space, so our downstairs consists of about one room and a kitchen/dining room, so we have no choice but to live in our play room. My kids seem to know the different rules at grandpa and grandma's house and seem to do fine listening to other adults in their homes as well. Sometimes it is a struggle when they get tired or a bit hyper, but generally it is manageable.

I would just avoid any parent judging--don't even address the difference in house rules (like saying she doesn't have them, that she lets her son do whatever, etc.) because that will just cause more hurt. How she raises him is not your concern, but how he behaves in your home is. If she complains that she can't control him, ask if she wants some suggestions, otherwise don't say anything. You probably would not be able to stand me (and I mean that in the friendliest way!!), but an added element to your situation is probably that this is your sister-in-law, not a friend. Sometimes sisters-in-law are already defensive because their brothers have been taken away by another woman, and they are going to feel like they have lost something. She might just be disposed to feel defensive and angry and this just aggravates things. I do not take my children to homes where I do not feel comfortable with them (usually homes without children or homes where the children are so mild mannered that the parents still have glassware out on display). Since you are family, visits probably seem inevitable. If nothing else, you can put up the breakables and try to isolate a play area. Break one or two of your own rules as a treat and let the kids throw the cushions down and make forts with the dining chairs--crazy activities can be fun if you plan them. I guess there might be a middle ground worth finding. I hope so. It is hard when these kinds of issues happen with family...

Well, you could never invite them over, never let them in or try to remain calm and not worry about it. Barrring that the child is not breaking light bulbs, jumping on your furniture with dirty shoes and screaming in your ear while you are on the phone, you could yourself redirect the child with other activities, opportunities whatever since your SIL will not. My experience in life is that speaking to people about their dear tiny little creatures only puts more fuel into the fire so to speak. Because you see, many people can see other flaws but not the ones in their own houses. You do not have to discuss that you are like a know it all, but do work on that aspect of yourself. I have a friend and I say friend because I really like her, but she tells me what to do all the time, fixes the fuzz on my shirts and doesn't listen to most of what I say but she is lovable. If she backs off a little I feel good. It is not enough to totally not speak to her and she seems to know she is a pushy person and that can be very offensive, but it looks like she tries. Anyway, I hope this all works out for you.Your SIL won't be going away any too soon from what it looks like.

I feel the same way about kids. I know this is the age of "children should be children" but that doesn't mean they get to come to place and do whatever they want. I'm sick of parents excusing and not parenting. I would call her (or whatever feels more comfortable) and just say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. That was never my intention." The next time they come over. I wouldn't even address the issue with her. Kneel down and tell her son "I'm glad you came to play, but you have to follow the house rules... no hitting, no running inside.. no climbing on things... so on. If you don't you'll have to go home and try again another day." I know this would still offend some people, but I'm sorry... I don't care what your house rules are when you're at my house you have to follow mine... and your child does too. Good luck.

I don't think you have a personality flaw at all! If you deliver the advice is a nice way and are just trying to help...that is all you are doing is trying to help! Maybe for those who are oober sensitive, start it with linking that kids behavior and how your kids have acted the same way and how you have delt with it. As far as how other kids act in your own house, house rules are house rules. I 1000% back you up on that and if they don't like it, they should not come over. You have tried being nice about it, you have tried the constructive criticism, now you really just need to nicely put your foot down and try to calmly discuss as a group on how the house rules are very important so that everyone can get along. If they still resist, then they can come back when they want to follow simple, common sense house rules! Good luck!

You've had some great advice so I feel mine is repetitive at this point. Since you have your DH's support, then that is the best. I have a 3 yr old, who I allow to jump on our own furniture. Among other things that I know many parents don't like because I have a very high energy kid. She has more energy than most boys on the playground. That being said, when we are at any body elses house, she does not jump on other furniture when I ask her to. It has required work on my part, but she understands that there are different rules when we go to different places.

To me, hitting is never ever excusable. Yes, he's 3, but if he is not taught, he will become the playground bully. And for your kids to be the punching bag, it's not appropriate at all.

Stand your ground and if that means they are not invited until the kids can be respectful of rules, then fine. Don't invite them until they are 27. :) Just kidding. :)

The best news is that DH is supportive of you, so with all the great advice you have received, discuss with DH what works the best for your house, your family and YOUR rules!

People like this will NEVER be okay in your home with you. You won't be OKAY with the way they are acting. It's just unfortunate that she's family.

I have had people come to daycare interviews and while they were here they completely ignored their children running, climbing on the furniture, jumping into the bean bag chair with all their weight, throwing my toys, being mean to the other kids etc... When they won't do anything I'll step in.

It's at that point that the true strength (or lack thereof) of THEIR character is revealed. If they think I am too strict or not sweet enough to them, they leave. I've had people email me later and tell me that they felt that their kids would hate coming to my house because I was mean or I didn't let kids be kids. I wonder how they would feel if they brought their kids to me and I allowed all the kids to be unruly and their child was hurt because of it?

Just tell her how it is and then leave the rest in her hands. You've done nothing wrong.

I understand this situation ALL TOO WELL! If you find some good advice PLEASE pass it along to me because I am stumped as well. My SIL just married a man that has a 4yr. old little girl. We were so excited to have a cousin for my boys to play with last Christmas during our vacation with in-laws. But, after 2 days of her screaming, whining, slamming doors, and continously being mean to our youngest son...I was DONE! After watching her HIT my son with a stick right in the face...my SIL had the nerve to say that she was just playing and everything is okay. NO IT'S NOT! In my opinion these parents NEED to be told as many times as needed to take care of this behavior...or not come around. It should not be tolerated in YOUR home especially.

I'd say to learn to keep your mouth shut and avoid situations in which you feel like you HAVE to say something. Avoid having her and the kids over to your house... instead, meet at a park or children's museum, indoor basketball court, etc. Then you parent your kids in your way and she can parent her kids in her way. When she starts complaining or saying she can't control her kids, just empathize and say something like "yea, they sure don't come with an instruction manual, do they?" or "I know, there's no perfect method... parenting is hard work."

I think it's good to be aware if sometimes we come across the wrong way, but you might be being too hard on yourself in this situation.
I have plenty of friends who I can say, "Your kid is being a brat to you and maybe you should......"
But, they are free to say the same things to me and there's no hurt feelings.
I love my friends, I love their kids and vice versa, and I would never say anything if we weren't close enough to feel comfortable doing that.
If you get a chance, you can tell your sister in law that you never intended to make her feel put down or corrected and you never meant to give her unappreciated advice. If something you said came across the wrong way, you never intended it.

That being said, if she tells you she can't control her own child, I would just change the subject or say, "I'm sure you'll get it figured out." And just leave it at that. Don't say it in a cold or rude way, just let her figure it out.
She either will or she won't.
When my daughter was little, I had a friend whose little boy was like the Nightmare on Elm Street. And to make matters worse, she would take her forearm and just clear everything on my end tables to the back hoping that he wouldn't be able to reach them. She would take things off my coffee table and put them up on the kitchen counter so her kid couldn't get them....instead of telling him NO. He jumped on the couch, climbed all over the back of it, knocked the rocking chair over, and she just went on with her conversation like it was nothing. Two times of that happening during visits was enough for me. If she wanted to get together, I suggested the park or somewhere else. My daughter was the same age and I NEVER would have thought to go to someone else's house and start rearranging things.
Your situation is a little more difficult since you are actually related to this person, but you can always agree to go to her house or meet on neutral territory if you don't want them at your home. It's a suggestion.... if she doesn't want to respect your rules and thinks you're being b****y.
That way, if one of your kids gets hit, you can just pack up and say it's time to leave. "Thanks for having us, but it's time for us to go."
That's not getting into a dialogue as to whether hitting is nice or not, it's just time to go.
If she thinks that's rude of you too, then let her.
She wants you to back off and let her be the mom, that's exactly what you're doing.
My sister and friends all tell their kids that when they come to my house, they mind, listen, and do what I say. I do the same thing when my kid goes to someone else's house. It's not that bizarre of a concept.
It may be that your sister in law KNOWS she doesn't make her child behave and she is super sensitive about anyone noticing. So, she needs you to be that bad guy to deflect the fact that it's easier to be mad at you.

I hope you can get this worked out, but don't take all the blame on yourself. And even if she asks you for advice, I wouldn't give it. Not for a while anyway. Because if you say something she doesn't want to hear, it will just get put back on you again.

That's just my opinion.

Man I'd say either control your hellian or don't bother coming over. You need to tell her that this isn't her house so she can't just let her kid run around like a little animal like she does at home. If she wants him to be a pain at home then fine but he is to not hit your kids, and if she feels you are given unwanted advice just hold your tongue so she can't say a thing. But if she isn't going to listen to your house rules she isn't allowed over to you house until she can follow the rules. If it takes treating her like her 3 year old then so be it. I've already had to cut ties with some of my family member for trying to put their nose in my business and trying to control how I try and raise my son. Put your foot down and makes sure your husband backs you. :)

Based on what I've read in your post, I don't see a personality flaw...I see someone who genuinely wants to get along with family but desires healthy boundaries...there is nothing wrong with that.

This being said...whether you are in your house or not we as parents have rules about how we are to be treated and how our children are to be treated. I don't have a problem correcting another child's behavior when it is affecting my child in a detrimental way if the other parent isn't. This doesn't mean that I can be rude, condecending, or otherwise bully a child who is bullying my child. It is about setting up and maintaining healthy boundaries so that your children trust you to advocate for them in times of need.

You're doing nothing wrong demanding respect in your house. It doesn't sound like you are being rude or doing something inappropriate. I use the term "my house my rules" and even if I'm not in my house...rules for play and touch still apply. There is no way that I'm going to sit back and watch another child hit mine nor am I going to sit back and watch my child hit another. If my sister-in-law tried to downplay her son hitting my daughter because of his age without actually correcting the behavior...I would have no problem explaining that I don't want my daughter to think that it's ok for another child to hit her regardless of age.

For me getting along is highly important, but not more important than the safety of my children and the "state" of my home while other children are in it. You are right to have rules and boundaries and it is appropriate for you to expect others to follow your house rules and the rules you have about how you and your children are treated inside and outside your home.

I wish you the best of luck...I hope she comes to understand and respect your needs.

Oh how I have been in your shoes! I have a SIL that I just do not get along with. Fortunately, it is not my husband's sister, but rather his brother's wife, so she is not blood related. But the discomfort level is not any easier.

I've realized a couple of things over the last 9 years. Sometimes, people just aren't your people. It sounds so simple, but you have to give yourself permission not to like this woman. It's ok!!! This woman is not in your life by your choice. Even though she is your husband's sister, and you love your husband, doesn't mean you will automatically, or should automatically love her too. I know that sounds elementary, but sometimes we need to hear it or to say it out loud. I read your post and I hear you somewhat blaming yourself. The title of your post is even self-depricating. We ALL have personality flaws, but the fact is life is not about other people and what they think of us. Your life is about YOU and how you choose to relate to other people. Don't get me wrong, it is good to work on yourself and to grow as a person, but I don't think your issues here stem from a personality flaw. We all have the right to decide how we expect other people to show up and participate in our lives. The fact is your SIL doesn't want to have to control her child in your home. It doesn't matter how you sugar coat it for her, she still wouldn't like it. That to me sounds like a personality flaw IN HER - her lack of respect for other people. Rings a little selfish to me.

All this being said, you have to take the focus off of getting along. That will come in time. Or maybe it won't. As I said, sometimes people just aren't your people. Instead, try to focus on peacefully co-existing. And as hard as this may be, don't internalize what your SIL is saying about you. She is clearly projecting her own issues onto you and trying to make you think they are your flaws. You don't need to own them. And at the end of the day, DON'T compromise who you are, what you expect of people and the way they treat you, especially in your own home. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Good luck! And you have all my sympathies : )