I would like some words of wisdom & support from you great mamas:
With our almost divorce (thank goodness for reconciliation), I am, of course, feeling a bit outed by hubby's side of the family
(understandable. We just found out one of his sisters & her family were invited to Thanksgiving out of town where his
mom & other sister live. We are not.).
I've been to 3 out of town vacation 3 times this past year with them. A little uncomfortable but I did my best & they seemed
somewhat receptive.
While I feel badly for him, I don't think that's fair to me (us).
At first he was ok with it, but now I think he's thinking of going uninvited (but I asked him not to take our child we have together).
Possibly could just he and his daughter go? NO.
So while I understand it, how do I proceed?
How do we (hubby & I) move forward together in our marriage together? I'm not feeling a lot of support & I don't
want this to drive a wedge between us.
Thank you for any support and advice you can give. :(
Thanks to all of you mamas! You did it again. I was feeling especially down today because of this new
revelation so thank you ladies for delving out your well-thought-out advice yet again. Much appreciated!
I feel better already!
He needs to talk to his family. You have decided to stay a family, and they need to respect that by showing you respect.
Without knowing the reasons behind your almost divorce, it is hard to guide you. Your husband should however stand by YOU. If you do not get invited, then no one from your nuclear family should go...
The more he disregards you, the more they will, too.
The more he acts like a "team" with you and shows mutual respect for you and backs YOU up, the more they will probably be, more 'warm' to you.
HE... has to also, SHOW, that you are both, a 'couple' and this is not something to show sides on.
And, at the least, IF they condemn you or show animosity to you... HE... has to speak to them. And stand up, for you.
You can't fix them, but HE can... since he is their family... stick up for you. Thereby showing them, that HE has moved on and matured and that they can too.
And anyway, your private business and marriage... is PRIVATE. Not their business... nor does their uninformed "opinions", matter.
You are married to him.
They are not.
If they are shunning... BOTH of you, well that is really childish.
You should be working on your marriage and they need to respect that.
Not creating more drama, for you both.
It is a private, matter.
They did not invite... either of you. To Thanksgiving.
That speaks... volumes.
Have your own Thanksgiving.... with your Husband and children.
Don't let them, rain on your parade.
Be confident.
Don't let them... usurp your sense of being.
Don't go to a gathering in which you were NOT invited. Same for your Husband of course.
They will not, welcome you both.
And why take a child, to a gathering in which NONE of you were invited? Won't that be real uncomfortable, for the child?? What a bad situation. It is an adult problem. He should not drag himself nor his child, there.
You all, were not invited.
It will probably cause a scene.
No matter who is right or wrong.
If YOU are not invited - then the whole family is NOT invited. He should NOT go without you. Doesn't matter what else went on. You are a family unit.
The only way this will drive a wedge between your marriage is if you let it.
Tell him your expectations - communicate with him. If he doesn't see how his family is treating you - then he needs to open his eyes. Good, bad or indifferent. the fact remains is that you guys DID NOT get divorced. They have every right to be upset - but it's NOT their marriage. So if HE is happy - THEY need to be happy for him too and accept you - with open arms.
Start making your own family traditions. Do dinner at your place. If, in the future, you want to invite them to YOUR home. Do. Until then? YOUR marriage is your priority. Don't let them make you feel bad and don't let them guilt you for anything. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to let it go down the tubes. So it doesn't matter what caused you to ALMOST divorce. You two are adults and it is YOUR marriage. You two "kissed and made up" - the past is the past and you can't go back and change it.
Don't look for their approval. Don't look for their acceptance. You cannot control other people's actions or how they feel. Remain polite and respectful - let them look like fools for being rude and unaccepting of you. Don't worry about what they think. only what You and your husband think.
Communication is key. Don't blame him for his family's poor behavior. However - both of you must be a united front. No exceptions and no going alone. That's NOT united.
GOOD LUCK!
Am I understanding that you are not invited to his family things because you almost divorced him? Now you want him to take your stepchild, but not your child together?
We all go or we all don't go. Take it or leave it family!
Will he back you up on this? If he does, they will most likely cave.
I agree with Tracy M. If you're not invited, I don;t think anyone should go. Have your own Thanksgiving celebration at home with your family.
I realize we don't know all of the background, but I can't believe a mother would NOT invite her son & his family while inviting her other child(ren)!
Geez, you'd think they'd be happy that he didn't get a divorce, instead of trying to make his life miserable. In any event, they need to learn to accept you & treat you with respect, period.
Either, your DH needs to have a frank discussion with his family on what's acceptable behavior & what's not, or he needs to be happy with the little family he's made, and just do the holiday with you & DD. He should be on your side & vice versa, no matter what. He shouldn't tolerate his family disrespecting his wife & family like that.
Was his family overly involved or overly informed in the case of your almost divorce? Why do they have such animosity towards you?
One year we went to Legoland for Thanskgiving when we weren't invited to any family gatherings. Our kids had a blast. It does feel hurtful not to be invited to stuff. But I would soldier on, smile firmly in place, and just try as much as you can to create great new memories with your and your immediate family.
Congrats for your reconcilliation w/ your husband! I am 100% on your side and your husband needs to be, too. He must support you! Why would he go to a Thanksgiving event uninvited, anyway? Your husband needs to be with YOU on Thanksgiving and all holidays. Sorry, but the problem is not his family, it is him. Good luck.
