My husband works very long hours and when he arrives home he wants the children to stay up. Their bedtime is 8:30 but they go up at 8pm to brush teeth, wash face, etc. When he gets home late they stay up until 10 or 11 pm. How can I get him to understand that is not good for them?
My daughter is 12 and my son is 5. They both go to school. Daughter has to be at school at 7:15 and my son has to arrive at 8:15. My hubby gets home late (8pm or later) 3 out of the 5 days. I dont mind if they stay up until 9 those days but then he says 5 mor minutes, 10 more minutes, 20 more mintues. until 10 or 11 pm. My daughter wakes up on her own but I can tell she is still tired, but my son he struggles to wake up and by the time he arrives home from school he is in a terrible mood.
Thank you ladies for all your advice.
Last night we had a discussion about the sitution and he agrees that they need more sleep but still need dad time. We came up with the following schedule. On the days that he does get home late the kids will still go to bed at the scheduled time except for Wednesdays when they attend church and are pretty much up until 9. We always spend the weekends together. The children do not feel like their dad is neglecting them or ignoring them they understand he works so we can have a comfortable life. To the lady that mentioned for my hubby to switch his schedule, I wish it could be that easy but owning your own business does not allow that at times. I appreciate my hubby and he is very easy to talk to but I just didnt know how to approach the situation because one side of me understands his view but I also understand my kids need sleep!!Lol...
He's an adult, right? He knows very well that this is not good for them. If you are the one home in the evenings when he's working late, send them to bed at their normal time. Weekends, maybe make an exception, but otherwise, no way.
I want all kinds of things that just don't make sense or are not necessarily in the best interests of everyone in my family, but I'm a grown up so I do the thing that is right.
Yeah... soo not good for them. He needs to realize that while it's great to be able to see his kids, (and it is nice that he wants to spend time with them...) this isn't the time to do it. Especially if they are in school!! They NEED sleep.
I wonder if it would be possible to set up a 'Daddy's Day' where he can spend some time just having fun with them once a week or so...? Or maybe when he gets home, he can go up to their rooms and read them a story... He still gets to bond with them and spend time with them, but in a manner that is more bedtime-appropriate...
surely you can compromise on this. there are so many bigger issues to dig in your respective heels.
of course your hubby wants time with his kids. i can just hear him on the papapedia site saying 'my wife refuses to understand that my kids aren't getting enough time with me. how can i get her to understand that it's not good for them?'
what time does he get home? can they spend half an hour talking and catching up, then have him do the bedtime routine? can you live with them staying up late one or two nights per week? can you meet in the middle at 9 o'clock?
sounds like you're both pretty stubborn.
khairete
S.
What time is dad coming home? If he is coming home at 7pm that means he only gets to see them an hour, maybe even less if there are other things going on. That is too little for a dad that loves and want to be part of his kids lifes.
I think meet at middle point it wont cause any damage.
My husband travels for work, he leaves Sunday and comes back on Fridays night, he only gets to see his kids less then 2 days!!
I let them stay late, I agree with Theresa, routines are important but so do is the time they get to spend with dad, because I am sure 20 years for now, no body is going to remember what time they went to sleep but they will remember having dad around.
Just my opinion.
EDIT: I think 9 or 9:30 is a good middle point. Specially for the 12 year old. Maybe dad can spend time first with the little one. Put him on bed at 9 and spend a half hour special with the 12 yo.
I would simply tell him point blank that although you understand his desire to see them when he gets home, they need 10-12 hours of sleep for proper brain development and to not be sleepy/grumpy in school. When it comes to their health there is no compromise. Limited sleep can effect thier immune systems making them more likely to catch colds and other bugs going around at their schools. He is going to have to act like an adult and understand it has to be about what is best for the children.
Sure it's not good for them to lose sleep, but it's WORSE for them to not have any time with their Dad who clearly loves them very much! A LOT of men would be GLAD the kids are in bed so they don't have to deal with them when they're tired and just home from a long day.
Your kids are lucky they have a Dad who misses them and wants to spend whatever time he can get with them.
I would absolutely let them wait up for Dad.
:)
What time does your husband get up? Maybe the kids can get up a little earlier and have breakfast with him and still get to bed at a decent hour. Or pick one day a week where they can stay up a little later, preferably a night that he typically gets home earlier.
Can they take a little catnap or "dadnap?"
I understand both sides but my guess is you have to deal with the grumpy kids in the morning.
Can he get up earlier with them instead?
More info would be helpful.
You don't say how old the kids are or what their morning schedule is like. If they need to be up early for school or so you can take them to daycare and then go to work it's a no brainer. The kids need their sleep. See if you can get him to compromise, he can spend more time with them on weekends and other days off. You can also remind him that if the kids are sleeping when he gets home it's more time the two of you get to spend alone.
Look up on the American Association of Pediatrics site and have him read what they recommend how much sleep your kids should be getting.
Or have your pediatrician send you and email or letter or even have them leave a message on your vmail so he can listen to what they recommend.
This would only work, of course, if they agree w/you and not him!
Have him read the short chapter in the book entitled NURTURE SHOCK on sleep and the effects on children. The studies are shocking!
I would tell him its important that they get to bed earlier. My kids are 15 (spec needs), 11 and 8 and they are in their rooms at 8pm EVERY night. They don't have to go to sleep but until they do they read, color, play, etc. And then its time for me and hubby. I would tell your husband that it is not the QUANTITY of time spent with the kids, its the QUALITY. He should understand that. Good luck.
How great it is that your husband wants to spend time with his kids. Many men coming home tired like that would just want to crash themselves. You and he do need to have a good talk about this. Maybe he could spend his time with them doing a bedtime routine, particularly reading to your son and making sure he gets to sleep early. A 5 year old needs more sleep than he's getting, in particular. Let dad do the get ready for bed routine and let them have nice quiet bonding time and then lights out by 8:30. he can then focus on time with your daughter until 9:00, then lights out for her. Make sure they get lots of Dad time on the other days of the week, especially the weekend. You and he are the adults in this situation, and he need to understand that the kids need their sleep, especially on school nights.
Yea I understand. I was having the same problem, except my husband isn't working. The kids are used to a routine with me 9 pm bedtime, but if he is around or home at the time, the kids feel that they can run to him to stay up. Well it is more so my 2.5 year old son. My daughter is 18 months, so she still clings to me. It is very frustrating. And its funny because we just had an argument the other day where he was irrationally accusing me of not being on the same page. UUUUUUUUGH MEN!!!! Well, I hope you are able to communicate with your hubby without a big explosion, because I can't. You are right, it is not good for them. When it comes to the crux of the matter, you are the one doing the hard work. Maybe give a little, like 9 pm bedtime so they can have daddy time to avoid tension between you and hubby. Then explain that they need to go to bed after that in order to be ready for the next day. I'm not sure how old they are. Mine are 2.5 and 1. Best wishes
Husband needs to learn that it is not all about him. If he wants to spend the time with his children then he needs to modify his schedule. Children do not do well academically when they are tired. 9 p.m. would be the absolute latest that I would allow. Good luck. It sounds like you might have a fight on your hands.
L.
Being a teacher, I agree with you that your kids need their sleep. Your husband has a reason that he keeps wanting to add "5 more minutes", etc. You need to find out what that is all about. Did he have an absentee dad and he is going overboard the other way? Did he have the "fun" dad who wanted the kids to like him so he wants to repeat this? Does he enjoy the game of "playing" you against the kids?
Once you find out what the reason is behind his delaying bedtime then it might make more sense how to deal with him. It will tell you if you have a man for a husband or a little boy. If you have a man and he just wants more time with them, it will be easier to reason with him. If he is just a little boy, you have to be the mean mom and put your foot down. Your kids need you to be the parent.
If he says he just wants more time with them, then your husband can have breakfast with them and take them to school on those late days so he can have special time with them in the morning.
What do you mean by "when he gets home late" ? Does that mean that he gets home at 8 pm when they are going up to get ready for bed? Does it mean that he gets home at 8:30 and they are in bed and he wants them to stay up? Does it mean he gets home at 7:30 and wants more play time with them before they are sent upstairs?
I'm guessing that your kids are school aged, if they are going upstairs to get ready for bed without you.. They NEED their sleep. And they NEED the routine of it.
If Dad is getting home before they go up for bed, maybe he can go up WITH them and talk with them/cut up while they are getting ready. Maybe read them a story, or talk about their school day or what their day will be like tomorrow... that sort of thing. Then HE can tuck them into bed and send them off to sleep at a reasonable hour. If it causes their routine to be pushed back by 10 or 15 minutes... that shouldn't cause any real problems. But they will get some "face time".
My husband works a regressive shift schedule, so he never gets home at the same time. We have always tried to stick to a schedule/routine about bedtime and if he happens to get home "around" bedtime, he goes in and says good night (well, he sometimes will get them all riled up with tickling and things, lol) and at most it throws off bedtime by 10 minutes or so. But it's worth it for them to get to see each other. Otherwise... it can sometimes be DAYS that they do not eve SEE each other. But he would NEVER expect me to keep them up an hour or more past bedtime. That is too disruptive to their normal routine to be healthy.
Maybe compromise and give them one night a week. Not the best solution but one night is better that five and fighting.
Get him to read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." It addresses this issues directly.
sorry, I didn't get a chance to read all of your suggestions, but what about putting them to bed earlier and having everyone get up earlier so there's time for family bonding in the morning? their sleep really is vital; you could get them to bed early and then he could have mornings to play. and then they'll be more fun at that time anyway. do a big family breakfast instead of a big family dinner. do baths in the morning instead of at night. make getting dressed your family time, instead of getting into PJs... you get the idea.
do read Nurtureshock, as someone else suggested. folks who say that time with parents is far more important than sleep are onto something....but they're missing the whole picture. sleep is so truly, shockingly, vitally important.
and those folks who say that you should do one night a week of sleep deprivation (ie. compromise by having the kids adjust their schedule and stay up late one night or more per week) have not actually read the research on sleep and on scheduling sleep. do the research, and you'll realize that while that is good stop-gap advice, it's really not the answer. I'm sorry. It's just not.
But they're right that time with parents is also so very very fundamentally critical to our kids' well-being. which is why we, as parents, have an obligation to prioritize sleep, and then ~make time~ for good quality parent time during appropriate waking hours.
I don't mean to sound judgmental or preachy, and I know we're all doing the best we can... but if he wants healthy, good, supportive and fun time with his kids, then he needs to do it at a time that is not detrimental to their health. I would suggest that you put them to bed even earlier and then ask him to get up to play with them in the morning, after they've had an appropriate, solid night's sleep. the kids and he can have a grand time making breakfast, getting dressed, doing baths, whatever they would otherwise have done at night that he's missing... just make it a good, solid, fun time with Daddy, at a new time of day.
FWIW, my kids know how to make coffee.... and there's very little that makes a kid feel more awesome about him- or her-self than bringing Mommy or Daddy their coffee in the morning. good stuff.
good luck.
We don't know how old the children are to make an informed response. If they don't have to get up at a certain time in the morning and you are home with them, their bedtime can be adjusted so they go to bed later but sleep later as well. It's unfortunate that dad doesn't get to spend more time with them.
