Strategies for How I Can Get Two Kids to Be in the Same Room Together Playing

Let the 3 year old decide how to play with the 9 month old...tell him, he is the boss and has to take care of the 9 month old and protect her and watch out for her...put the responiblity on him..he will shine thu with his new job...let him know that he can have choices...J.

Naptime for your daughter = one-on-one time with your son. This is how I had to do things in my house so my poor oldest didn't get completely neglected. I think when we were in the nine month phase, I was still using containment (swing or play pen) with the babies. But now that they are toddlers they are LITERALLY into everything. It was more than a bit of an adjustment, because I had been using naptime to get things done. (Dishes, laundry, eat a meal for myself.) But I figure that they're only going to be this small for a short time - and playing with my oldest today is much more important than getting those darn dishes done!

Oh. And I NEVER EVER tell my son he has to share his toys with the twins. His toys are HIS toys. (It's hard to share your stuff - it's even harder to share when you aren't given a choice! After all, when was the last time you shared something that was important to you with YOUR sibling? Does she get to borrow your wedding ring? Your car? Etc.? Mine doesn't!) The only exception is when he brings a toy into the living room (which is the designated "little brother zone") or when he lets his brothers into his bedroom. If he does this, then he has to share his toys. He is allowed to change his mind about this. If he wants the living room toy back, he has to convince his brother to voluntarily give up the toy to him OR he has to wait until his brother puts the toy down. If he wants his brothers out of his room, he only needs to call to me or his dad and we'll take the twins out.

Ypur son needs time with you without having to so closely share you with his sister. Others have given you good ideas on how to arrange this.

I have some ideas on sharing. It rarely works between siblings during the preschool years. As you said they are at different developmental stages. You can provide your daughter with toys appropriate for her age. When she grabs for her brother's toy, trade with her for one of hers. You can teach your son to do that too.

I've always had difficulty doing too much talking. I've finally learned to not give explanations some of the time with my grandchildren. I always did talk to much with my daughter. Talking dilutes your request. It sounds like your request is open to discussion or that you're not sure. Especially if you talk and don't follow thru with a consequence for the child when they don't do what you say. In your situation you'll find it much easier if you let go of the rule that everything has to be shared. Then there's nothing to explain after you've explained the new way of doing things a couple of times. Trade with the baby when she grabs your son's toy. Keep them separated as much as possible for the short time you play with your son. It's true at 9 months that she wants and even needs to get into everything. That is how she learns. But she also needs boundaries.

Perhaps you're having difficulty similar to one we have between my granddaughter who is now nearly 8 and her brother who is now nearly 4. My daughter handed down her toys to her brother. But she still feels that they are her toys. They also share a bedroom. My granddaughter sometimes cries, saying she has to share everything with her brother and she has nothing that is her's exclusively. In part this is because her mother insists that they share everything most of the time. I don't think it's a good idea to always insist on sharing. They do need to learn to share and my two grandchildren are at an age that it should be easier but it's not. Children need to feel that they have their own things and that it's OK to have boundaries about what has to be shared and what doesn't. This includes some alone time with Mom.

At 3 your son is not developmentally ready to easily share. He's just now learning that he has ownership and the ability to control his toys. One has to feel secure in the knowledge that what's their's is their's and that they will get it back before they'll be able to share it. They also have to be able to be patient. Three is not patient. My grandaughter at nearly 8 is not patient much of the time. Babies and young children do not have a good sense of time. If you think about it, time is long at age 3. One month is 1/3 of his life.

Nine months is usually developmentally able to spend some time entertaining themselves if they've been given the opportunity to learn how to do that for themselves. Both of my grandchildren loved the saucer. It's true that you still need to be aware of what they're doing but you dont need to always be involved with them. Another thing that my granddaughter liked to do was to sit in her high chair and pick up cheerios to either throw on the floor, in her mouth, or sometimes into the dish. Toys that the baby can manipulate will keep them busy for awhile. Stacking cups, stacking rings, blocks or sitting on the floor surrounded by simple things like pots and pans, plastic dishes a wooden spoon. A couple of small stuffed toys that she can put inside a dish or pan.

Set her up to play so that she can't see her brother. Baby gates are good to keep sibs separated and babies in a safe place. Since you now have a history or fighting over toys it will take time for you to develop a successful routine. You can do it!

Mine are a bit closer in age, but when my younger one was was about that age i would put him in one of those jump-o-roos...it has toys on it and it kept him entertained so i could play with my older one. Now they are at a stage where they wont play without one another. If one is in the bedroom playing the other will be shortly. It is to the point now where if older brother isnt withus and we are out and about my younger one gets sad. I would get one of those stationary activity centers for your daughter. I would buy one off craigslist or ebay for a few reasons one if it turns out she doesnt like it you didnt spend a million dollars and two she is getting to where she would only use it for a few more months. But once she is up and running i bet your son either gets a bit more tolerant of her or she will want to do her own thing. With two boys i learned that if i buy a toy for one the other one wants them same thing..a word of advicce with this..dont do that to ease the waters once she becomes more independent...because then they will fight over who gets the TWO toys not lets share but one will swipe the others toy and then it is all out war. We dont make them share either..that is special toys. My son has a handful of his toys he has told us brother cant play with and we only get those out during nap times for brother and we put them away as soon as he gets up. It works for us. Good luck!!

K.,
That is a difficult balancing act; I have been there and still am in different ways even though my kids are now 3 and 6. The bouncer is a great idea, but my advice would be to get creative and provide activities *both* kids can do simultaneously. If your 9 month old has already been offered oats, (because everything goes in the mouth at some point!) this might work for you: Fill a couple of shallow totes with dry oatmeal. Give each child some spoons and scoops or other kitchen gadget that you deem safe. They can each dig and play away. It's a mess, but easily cleaned since it's dry. My son gets to operate the vacumn cleaner when we're done which is also fun for him. Another idea is to give your son a small pitcher of water and a stack of bowls and cups for pouring practice (another good activity for the kitchen floor!). Meanwhile, the baby would adore splashing her chubby little hands in a separate container of water right next to big brother. When the game is over, hand both kids a towel and let them "help" you mop. You get a clean kitchen floor, some hilarious photos, and 2 smiling kids. When my daughter was a baby, her naptime was the only time during the day my son was guaranteed one-on-one attention. I used this time for child-directed play and let him set the tone instead of me trying to show him how to play or turn it into a "learning experience". Hope these ideas help you come up with some other fun mess-makers that you can all do together!

put the 9 month old in a playpen so she can be close, see whats going on, but not mess up everything. Then give her some blocks, cars, or whatever is being played with.

I had an excersoser, you know one of those round things that you can put the baby in and it has toys on it that they can play with.
It is very normal for younger kids that want to play with older kids, and normal for older kids that don't want to play with younger kids.
My kids are 22, 19, 17, 14, and 11 and they still have problems at times to play with each other. Then there are times they get into everything together.
Bev

I would put my younger in his play table(or immobilized walker) and then put him right next to us, so I could play a game with my older child while still paying attention to the younger.

My suggestion is to put them together and teach your son to share his things.. your 9 month old probably wants what he has because it is so much more interesting. And the fact that he wont let her have them, makes it that much more interesting to her!! I have 3 kids and a daycare with 7 kids of various ages... You have to teach them to be able to get along with what they have, especially brother and sister. If one of the kids isnt willing to share with the rest of them, I simply take that toy away until they are ready to share it... It is a fight for a little while, but once they realize that it is ok to share and still have fun, it works out great!!

I am not saying that every day is a piece of cake, but it is better then having to try and keep them all apart because of their different stages they are in!! And if you are constantly moving her away and not making him share his stuff, you are just enabling the behavior between the two. She does need to know that she cant have everything he has, but it is in his (and your) best interest to teach him that sharing is good, especially when he gets into school. He will have a really hard time if he was never expected to share his stuff..

Good luck, S.

Siblings need to be able to work out there differences on there own level and time. At first you think okay whatever but if you just sit back and let them be then you will see that it helps them, not just at home but everywhere you go. You can use your judgment calls for more seriouse acts like pulling and yanking and screaming. You know your children, right now they could be playing the "all about me card". Watch and learn. It will not happen over night, they also hear you and listen to your good advise. -Washington.