I am upset. And rightfully so. I have married a man, with 5 children, three whom are young that I have helped raise since their mom died of a brain tumor nearly 7 yrs. ago. Now, since they are of age to stay home legally- and he is in some never, never land of mid-life stuff...he is wanting a legal separation/intent to divorce. The children and I have a close bond, things have been tense between us for several months and the children have broken away some and distanced themselves because of it. And rightfully so. I love these children like my own. I never had any children of my own, I married at 42 and didn't want to risk having a downs syndrome child.(my aunt did at 42) and I really want them to be part of my life.
He uses that legal right stuff in my face to manipulate me. I've talked to our oldest of the younger children. She says it is both our faults, which I agree he and I are to blame. She also says that he is totally upset as much as I am because of all this, and is not sure if he is not making a mistake or not. She says that he loves me and cares for me, just doesn't know how to fix things so that it will work out for everyone.
I am devastated loss of him, the children and our new home- we were supposed to build this year. He let the construction loan go, and now has moved to another rental home. In the mean time, I am left alone---to hunt for fulltime job. And his mom has helped me by providing me a room. She doesn't take sides, but doesn't like what he has done, and how he is treating me at all.
What should I do? I've got a lawyer on retainer- drafting up the separation agreement now.
HELP ME-Advice? I love my family...very very much.
Ask him to get family counseling. Maybe you can work things out, and if not, get a lawyer, sometimes step-parents can have rights too.
Hi V.,
My mother and stepfather just got divorced about a year ago...he was there every day since I was 6 years old. I still am not sure of my place in his life.
Make sure it is very clear to the children that they are loved by you, and give them a way to contact you. Let them know where they stand.
I'm not sure what is pulling your marriage apart...I do know that having a counselor provide tips of communicating does work...IF you're both open minded and willing to be honest with yourself and your spouse.
All you have to lose is everything, so isn't it worth a try?
Women are usually more open to the idea of getting help, so you may need to be persuasive to get your husband to go.
I'm 27 years old, and I've seen my parents and family memebers go through it all. Including the situation you're in right now. I've also had my share of tense times in my marriage.
Divorce is the "easy" answer for everyone these days. Your children need to know that they are worth a fight.
Feel free to e-mail me if you want to ____@____.com
As I mentioned, I've seen it all, and maybe you too, can learn from the mistakes of my parents and family members.
Sincerely,
T.
V.,
My heart goes out to you! I know how hard it is to raise a child as your own, and then have them taken away from you. My step-daughter lived with us for awhile. Her mother has since 'taken' her back and has made it nearly impossible for us to see her. I feel your pain as far as the children go.
Talk to your lawyer about getting court-ordered visitation at the very least. You have been raising these kids as your own and these days courts are recognizing that more and more. Also, depending on the age of the children, it isn't uncommon for a judge to ask the children what they want. If the kids want a continuing relationship, you've got an excellent chance of getting just that.
As for your husband, I honestly can't say much. Who knows why people do the things they do. Is he willing to attend counseling? Alone and together! If he's willing, there's always a chance. Just remember to let the kids know that you love them no matter what happens.
T.
Would he be open to some marriage counseling? If he's uncertain whether or not he's making the right decision, maybe something like that would help-just to talk it through.
Good luck,
K.
HI V.,
I think maybe you should get some counseling first. Part of what I read sounds like he loves you but is hurting by something. Do you think maybe he is thinking about his wife that had passed before? How long ago was her passing? I don't think I would jump into divorce stuff right away. Try your hardest to work things out first. If their is no straws left then thats when I would take the next step. If he doesn't want any part of you that doesn't mean you can't still have relationship with the kids that you helped raise you know what I mean? I feel for you girl and I hope this helped. K.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I have two pieces of advice. One- if you really want to continue to have a good relationship with the children you have to make sure that they are not put in the middle of this. I would suggest not discussing any of the the legal matters with them unless they ask. I don't know how old the oldest is, but for her to be relaying messages between the two of you or feeling like a spy will just make her resentfull towards you. TWO when you do get time to see the children try to focus on them.. How have they been doing in school, sports, freinds, etc. This will help them feel more comfortable with the new arrangment. If they are continueously relaying messages they are going to feel like you are using them to keep him in your life.
Hope this is just a phase he is going thru and everything works out. He also may realize that he is really going to lose you if he doesn't straighten out. Give him some time to really think about what he is doing.. Same goes for your mother in Law.. She too will begin to wonder if she is just a link to him. For now I would just get yourself put back together. Knowing that you can make it on your own is the first step to feeling better about the whole situation.
i am so sorry i was married to a man with kids came to stay and we had our problems we made time for each other and it worked out for the best and i hope you get through this
speak to your attorney you can get legal visitation even though you are not a biological parent.
Hi V.,
I don't have any legal advice but i wanted to tell you that my mom separated from her ex-boyfriend that raised up for years when i was 17. I am 33 now and have a son. We call my mom ex boyfriend our step father and my son calls him grandpop. We love him like a father. Don't give up on the kids. They will need and love you!
