PLEASE HELP!!! (No Negativity)

Please give us a little more info if you can... Who told you that you have to stay? Why a divorse? Why not find a job (attorneys can get expensive and you need to have a way to pay for one)... No negativity just needing a little more info!

HI T., I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You didn't say what happened to make you so angry at your husband but I have a few pieces of advice for you. First, let me tell you that I'm divorced and a single mom of a 23 yr old and a 19 yr old, and I have made my share of mistakes including walking out when the tough gets going. So, my first advice is to tell you to stop and think about what you're planning to do and why. I'm assuming that at some point you may have loved this man. If that's the case and if he's a good guy in general, then perhaps you should considering working through your differences and giving it another chance. You'll never learn to grow in a relationship if you walk away everytime you get angry. Marriage is full of ups and downs and it's a lot of hard work (they should teach Marriage 101 in school). Also, while judges have typically favored mothers with custody in the past, with more and more men stepping up to the plate and being in position to accept the responsibility, fathers are being awarded custody in greater numbers. You'll also be creating a burden for your mother.

Take some time to look at your relationship and why you're with him, 1) why you want to leave, 2) what your daughter's life will be like without both parents, 3) what it would require of you to try again, and 3) what role YOU played in the situation. You should approach him and try to talk to him about trying again, and avoid using accusatory statements, just state the facts and how you feel. Ask if he's willing to see a counselor.

That said, if you've done all of those or you're absolutely certain you CANNOT abide with him, then get yourself a lawyer. If you can't afford a lawyer you might be able to file for the divorce yourself. Contact your county's civil court and pick up a copy of the self-file divorce package and see if you're up to it.

Good luck.

Some courts have a required arbitation/counseling program
for couples who are seeking a divorce. I wonder if your local courts
have that requirement.
Do you think your husband would go to couples counseling with you?
To work on your relationship . . . . without his dad involved.
It sounds to me like his dad is directing all of his decisions.

Consider this: You are going to VISIT your mom. What happens after that will come later. If you have physical custody (the child is with you), a lot would have to happen for him to get your daughter. There is nothing wrong with you going to VISIT your mother. If you and your ex are on speaking terms, tell him that you dont want drama and everything will come out fair in the end, assure him of that. He agreed until his Dad came into the picture, you two can make your own decisions. Try to calmly and maturely talk to him about it. Good luck....
In the meantime get your ducks in a row so you can quickly exit when the time comes.

.

Who told you that you can't move until you go to court? That is a bunch of baloney. Go to your mom's, ASAP. You need the support. You can wait for your court date there and deal with it from there. And get a good lawyer, you can get a free one specializing in family law through legal-aid.

It sounds like the dad and hubby are ganging up on you out of competitiveness or something. Go to your mom's, don't let them control you.

UPDATE: I did some research and came up with this link. It is specific to SC on how to move out of the house and file a temporary order for child support and custody until the actual divorce case makes it to court. It is ridiculous to think that a person would have to wait the period of time it takes for the divorce case to be seen before a judge(many cases it takes YEARS) living at the marriage home. From my understanding of SC law, you can go ahead and leave now, and file after you leave. http://www.scfamilylaw.com/2005/08/family-law/divorce-and...

You need to speak to an attorney immediately.
I'm not sure how things work in SC, but, I don't understand why you "can't move out". You have no current custody orders and as far as I can tell there is no order of the court barring you from leaving the marital home or even going to stay with your mom in another state. You are NOT trying to take the child from him, but you need to talk to someone to be sure if you go to your mom's, he doesn't try to get you in trouble for kidnapping your child or something.
Many mom's are allowed to relocate as long as the visitation is fair and equitable and you can prove you are NOT relocating just to make visitation harder on the other parent. If the court gets the slightest inkling that is the motivation, they most certainly can bar you from moving away OR make you responsible for providing and paying all transportation costs for the visits.
You need to find out from someone who is on your side what your rights and responsibilities are and not take the word of the man you are divorcing or his father. You've agreed that you will divorce. I don't see why you have to basically be held captive in the same house with him.
You can try contacting your local women's shelter because they usually have really good references for legal counsel, etc, and are pretty knowledgeable about what rights women have. They might be able to answer some of your questions at least until you can talk to someone.
Your husband could very well file papers and ask the court that you not be allowed out of the county or across state lines with the child. That doesn't mean it will be granted, you will have to appear and give your reasons for going to be with your mom for a while.
I think it would be best for you to file first, that way you can ask for shared legal custody, shared physical custody outlining the visitation arrangement your husband had already agreed to before his dad stepped in, and request the right to move to be with your mom at least temporarily until you can find a means to support yourself. He may not want you going anywhere, but is he willing to get you an apartment and pay for you to have a place to live?
If you have to sign up for welfare, they will go after him for support so fast it will make his head spin.

Talk to someone at your women's shelter and maybe get some counseling from them while you're at it. It won't hurt. You're young, you've only been married two years, you have a baby. You're being told you can't move out of the house....you need to talk to someone.

Best wishes.

Get an Attorney... ASAP.

Don't say/do anything, that he can use against you.... be smart.... not impulsive. Don't let him, put you in a bad light... with family court etc.
You want to appear/be a TOP notch Mom, in their eyes.... and responsible....

DOCUMENT everything... he does/says...

I dont really have any advice for you when it comes to your divorce, if I were you though I would leave and go to my moms house especially if that is the only place you have to go. It doesnt matter how old you are or if you dont have a job at the moment(as long as you are planning on getting one) then you will be fine when it comes to keeping some sort of custody with your daughter.
I understand where you are coming from that it is hard to be in the same place with him because he makes you angry, I feel that way when I am just in an argument with my husband and we are madly in love.
Even though you posted no negativity you are probably going to get some so just brush it off and feel confident in your decision. Because you said how old you are is probably the reason that someone called you immature.
Good Luck!

There is no reason why you can't leave. None at all. People do it all the time. Chances are, you are going to retain custody because you are the child's mother. Historically, it's really hard for a mother to lose custody of their children unless they are unfit. I would take her and go to your Mother's house. Save any and all communication between you and your current husband. Don't erase voicemails, emails, text messages, or call logs. Keep things as civil as possible. If he baits you, don't respond. Don't keep your daughter from him, but stick to a visitation schedule. Write it down.

Are you willing to try to work things out? Would you try a trial separation and possibly some counseling? My husband and I were on the brink of divorce and counseling really saved our marriage. We're better than we've ever been. I was pretty skeptical at first. I didn't think anything could save us, but it did. If you don't want to consider counseling, then you need to hire a lawyer first thing Monday morning. Don't wait for him. He's trying to bully you. Don't let him.

My first advice is to get factual information. Whatever/wherever you need to get it--do it. Be it an attorney, legal aid, free consultation, etc.
My second piece of advice is to think long and hard about what you THINK you want to do. You were singing a different tune a few weeks ago. The two of you made a baby--now you owe it to her to give this the best shot possible. That way you'll look back and KNOW you tried EVERYTHING to make this work. Honestly you & hubs seem very young and a bit immature. Exhaust ALL positive options before you begin a very, very life-changing process. And you're going to have to deal with this man for a lifetime. That's the reality. I'm *positive* of that.
It might be a case that calls for a nice long vacation stay at your mom's house, but lets not put the cart before the horse.

Speak to a lawyer right away. I do not believe that you have to stay there, you are free to go when ever, but there could be an issue with taking your child acrossed state lines.

Yes, of course get a lawyer as soon as possible. It's unfortunate that you felt you had an agreement with him and now it's different and you feel frustrated, totally understandble. But, I have to say that his dad is probably just looking out for his best interests. You are both young and maybe he doesn't know what he needs to or even can do. It sounds like you're trying to be respectful of one another and that's good. Doing this legally will be better for both of you in the long run. It's a good thing, even though it probably doesn't feel like it now. I would also agree that you not leaving seems fishy...I don't see how that could be true. I would think you can take your child and leave, but you will need to travel the distance back and forth for court and lawyer appointments and whatever else. Good luck, this must be difficult for you.

I hope you don't think this is negative because I do feel bad for what you are going through and I know you are hurting but there's a few pieces of information missing. So first, are you safe where you are? I mean, is your husband abusive, does he drink or use drugs or anything that puts you and/or your baby at risk? If safety is an issue, you can contact a women's shelter while your husband is at work. Don't use this option if you truly aren't at risk because they are usually short staffed and running on a shoestring and it will just make you look bad if there is a divorce down the road. If you are safe where you are but have decided to end your marriage due to other differences between the two of you, there is no rush and the best thing for your daughter is to approach this calmly, keep her routine as normal as possible, keep the atmosphere at home as calm as possible, get an attorney and start the process - which will involve court assisted conversations on custody/visitation. You and he don't have to work out custody/visitation in an argument - and that's scary for your daughter even if she is only 10 months old. SAHM don't lose custody just because they are SAHM's, so if he's threatening this, don't worry, not going to happen just because he's the outside wage earner and you're the one that stays home with your daughter. Work it out with the court's family counseling professionals.
Maybe you and your husband are just passionate fighters, or he's done something real bad like an affair. If that's the case, maybe you aren't really 100% sure you want your marriage to end. And I say this only because you said you are so angry at him and a lot of time, if a marriage is truly over, there's a feeling of quiet resignation rather than anger. So if by chance you and/or he still want to work on the relationship, get a counselor to assist the two of you with communicating because arguments that end with "I want a divorce!" are kind of fatalistic. You are very young and you have a lot of responsibility with a marriage and a child so you will have to pull yourself together and put your daughter first as you decide what your next step should be. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers.

If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you fight for custody also? If you are a good mom, then you have nothing to worry about and will probably have joint or shared custody. He is smart, in what he is doing, to go through the courts. Many times (not saying you are doing this, but it happens a lot!!) the women will say, I changed my mind and don't like how he's behaving lately and won't "let" the dad see the kids. I look at it, as him saving his butt from a potential disgruntled woman. Don't take it personal, you would do the exact same thing he is doing if the tables were turned.

Hi T.,
Yes, find an attorney immediately. Find one that is reputable and specializes in family law. Just go through the phone book until you find one that gives a free consultation and who you seem to connect with.

In the meantime, go to your local DSS office https://dss.sc.gov/ to see if you can get assistance with childcare and food until you find work. You may also be illegible for job training courses.

Then, look for rooms with people in your city. I looked at your city's craigslist and found a single mom who is offering free room and board for help with her children http://columbia.craigslist.org/roo/1959646598.html
You will be able to move out of your home, but you should definitely check before going out of state.

Good luck and be resourceful and strong.

who told you that you couldnt move? thats probably not true. you may have to ok it through your judge(different laws in diff states), but most of the time they understand. www.laborlawtalk.com has alot of people with law background that could help u too, im sorry things didnt work out between the two of you, i hope the best for you and your girl.

** if a lawyer or a judge hasnt told you that you cant leave... LEAVE!! but at least talk to a lawyer to make sure you dont do something wrong that could jepordize (totally ms i know) you getting your daughter!

You need to fill in the blanks here....why do you want a divorce? I cannot tell you what I think until I know that. Honestly, from your post you seem very immature. I am hoping more information may prove that wrong.

Get ready for even worse unhappiness from the divorce than sticking it out and working on your communication. And know that your child is going to feel like he never belongs with either you or daddy. Those are the cold, hard facts that stopped me in my tracks from a divorce. Marriage, especially the early years, is USUALLY painful and unhappy during the small baby/kids time. This is the time you are both supposed to figure out how to be married, and it is usually the woman that has to figure it out first.

Actually for those saying it is hard for the father to get custody have it a bit wrong. The courts are leaning toward shared custody rather than one parent having full custody. More and more fathers are getting full or 50% (of some sort either physical or legal)custody of their children. And no they don't have to prove the mother unfit or abusive. My uncle in the got full custody of his daughter and even got child support from the mother. My brother got full custody of his son and child support from the mother. Neither of them proved the mothers unfit. They did prove they were the "better" parent.

As long as both parents are capable and both have a roof (regardless of whose roof it is, a parent's roof is just fine... MANY, if not most, divorcees at least one of them is living with family members while they get on their feet), and both parents and their lawyers show up for all court dates, the "worst" that can happen is 50/50 custody. In order to sue for full custody and WIN the other parent has to be shown to be dangerous or incapable or unwilling.

DO get a lawyer. You can find one on a sliding scale, or contact a women's group/shelter/advocacy center for recommendations.

You can absolutely leave! They are guilt tripping you into staying for their own purposes. You can just as easily talk to someone on the phone from your husband's house as you can from your Mother's house.

Go, Go, Go!

Try to find if there is an organization that will help you with legal costs. Here in my county of Florida, it's called Legal Aid.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My honest advice is to plan for a long road ahead. My brother just went through this and after two years they finally settled. They agreed on joint custody. They both work full time. She brings them to school, he picks them up and feeds dinner, they sleep at her house, and he gets them every other weekend. She got to stay in THEIR house while he moved out to a rental and the divorce agreement is that she has five years to get her own financing for the mortgage. So, essentially, his name stays on the mortgage for five years and prevents him from buying his own house since he is still "responsible" for the loan until she gets her own loan. Have you tried counseling or mediation to see if you can work things out? Otherwise please prepare yourself for all the possible outcomes because your daughter deserves to be loved by both her mommy and daddy. Best of luck to you.

Of course you can leave! And yes, you'd better do it now before you DO go to court and then you CAN'T leave. Well, without restrictions anyway. Take your baby and go to your mother's house. Document everything that has happened, including all this pressure to keep you there. If you have to, do it secretly, but do it while you can. Seriously.

It does need to be done legally, especially since you will be moving out of state. If he up and moved with your daughter out of state, you'd be pissed and probably go after her, so unless you are being abused and in a dangerous situation, remain in your state until this can be legally settled. Stay with a friend or neighbor if you have to. Go ahead and start preparing a resume or enroll in online college classes. Or better yet, seek couples counseling.

Don't divorce him and move to your Mom's. Do it the legal way =] There is no law against it if you are married.

Go live with your mom, and it's rare that guys get custody.

Good luck.

p.s. Just read your "what happened," and I didn't know you couldn't legally leave the state. Can't you go on an extended visit to your mom's? This is a tough situation. Stay strong.

wow, you sound like me. I actually thought i was reading my own post. haha, i posted something like what you're going thru earlier this week. Anywa, this is what i would do, my mother also lives two hrs away in another state, I would start looking for a job back home where your mom lives, online of course, and if and when you get a call for an interview take a road trip with your daughter. Of course with trust that u will return, or just go on your merry way to your mothers and tell him to call you and what not for further info on court dates and such. Even if you leave with your daughter it can not be kidnapping. I don't know what the law in your state is but in arizona the baby always stays with the mom no matter what. Even if the mom is currently out of work and looking but under a roof somewhere well establish, she has full custody. Seriously, good luck.

temporary custody go for it before he does. with temp custody he cant keep you from moving. he is trying to keep you from leaving for fear of being alone. mom generally gets custody unless she is unfit.

Hello T.,
First of all I'm really sorry you are going through this awful situation. Second, I will see a lawyer as soon as possible. My husband was going to court for about 2yrs before his visitation was ordered. The courts ordered him joint legal, meaning everything with the mother/father is split half and half. The judge intentions are'nt to seperate the child/children from either parent, his intentions is to do what's in the best interest of the child. Meaning he wants to keep the child life as normal as possible( school, daycare, family,etc).

How can your husband and his father tell you that you can't visit your mother in another state? The holidays are coming up why can't you visit with family and friends? If you do decide to "visit" your mother make sure you allow your childs father to visit, call, and see the child as often as he was before. Try your best to be civil with eachother, no arguing, no fussing, and most importantly no under minding the other parent. Make sure before you leave you let your husband know exactly where you will be staying( adress, contact information). Try to come up with a visitation plan that works for the both of you, maybe you can let the baby go with her daddy every weekend(since he works), split the holidays maybe the baby can spend the 1st half of Thanksgiving with you then daddy can pick her up later in the afternoon.

Make sure to document all phone calls, voice mails, text messeges, and emails. Another thing I want you to know from experience with my husbands situation. If there is no court order for visitation there's nothing police office can do, because thats the childs father! I know this is a very hard situation to be in right now, just ty your best to be an adult and do what's in the best interest of your child. She needs both parents, so for her sake try to get along with your husband it will benefit everyone involved especially the baby:-)))) If you need to talk just message me, GOOD LUCK.

get a lawyer now. i hear legal aid is totally free, but it would be worth paying a few hundred dollars to protect you and your daughter. i don't see why you could not go to your mothers and do this. who told you not to move out?the woman is usually told not to move out so she can keep the house in the divorce settlement. that doesn't sound like the case here.
frankly, the man almost never gets the kid.

Who told you that you cannot move? I do not know what to say, I hope it all works out for you. Sorry your going through this.

Courts use to side with Mom unless she was really unfit. You have a daughter so I think the courts would side with you but what you really need is a lawyer. Contact legal aide but they may not help unless he has been abusive to you. A friend of ours tried to use them about 18 years ago and they told her that if he was abusive they would take the case. They lived with her grandma and her mother and younger sister. He raped her sister and attacked grandmother but that didn't count because he never was abusive to her.

If you wait until they file papers with the court and set a court date then it will be too late for you to be able to leave freely. Don't let them make you feel guilty for taking your daughter with you, they obviously aren't concerned about you so you shouldn't be concerned about their feelings. Besides, you're not taking her away from her father permanently, but you have nowhere else to go other than out of state. You should do what you have to take care of yourself and your daughter and probably let your husband know (after you leave) that you're willing to set up visitation through the court or mediation. Good luck!!

I don't know too much about these things, but what I do know is...
Do NOT take your daughter out of state, until you make sure there will be no legal ramifications.
Get an attorney to protect the rights of yourself and your daughter
Start contacting any state agencies that may be able to offer you assistance, Legal Aid, Dept. of Social Services

All states, courts, and judges are different, but most tend to give custody to the mother unless she is deemed "unfit". I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Obviously there is more to the situation than you shared so its going to be hard to understand your reasonings here. However that being said I don't see how your father in law and husband can hold you and your child there? The only thing I can see from their point of view is perhaps seeking abandonment on your end but you would be taking the child with you so I don't understand them doing this unless they are just trying to be hateful?? Also its not really any of my business but why is your husband's father getting involved in matters? It's none of HIS business either!!
Women take off to a different state all the time and to me it sounds as if your husband and your father in law are only trying to "control" you. If it were me I personally would try to look for a job right from where I was. You can travel there for a job interview correct? If you move due to a job relocation then I don't see an issue personally but I am not a lawyer either but if its due to a job then how can they hold you there if you have a job lined up. You would be better off that way anyhow. Then you could move in with mom and at least have a means to save and get out on your own. The job part would already be done. I just don't see how they could hold you there??? Like another poster suggested they want to play that game then fine....you go there for a "visit".

Ok, first question is ... Can your mom move IN??
If that is not an option then I would find a lawyer RIGHT AWAY and get this going now. He wants you to be dependant upon him, that is his way of still having control over you, sorry to say it but I think you need to find a job or go back to your old job if there is a place avail and put her in child care. Parents disagree on childcare all the time, but I do not think the judge will look poorly upon you for going back to work. Have not been there but that is just my opinion. All I can really say right now is good luck, be strong and stick to your guns. Get a headhunter to find you a good paying job where your mom is so you have a GOOD reason to move there and build up a GREAT case for moving the two hrs away.

Hi,
Sounds like you are in a very tough situation. Would you consider going to couples counselling with your husband? Even if you don't stay together, it may still help you both deal with your issues. There are places that work on a sliding scale fee schedule.

Do you have an attorney? If you are going to proceed with the divorce and can't afford an attorney, you can try Legal Aid or see if there are attorneys in your area who do pro bono work and would take your case for free.

I would try to find a lawyer who is a mediator. It is better for you and your husband to negotiate visitation than going to court. Make sure you know exactly what you want and what you are willing to give before you go into any mediation. Also, do NOT sign anything without having a lawyer look at it.

BTW, your husband's father has absolutely no legal rights regarding your daughter. You can certainly take your child and visit your mom!

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. However, you sound like a mature, sensible person who knows what she needs. I don't know if this helps but my first marriage was similar to yours. Lucky for me, we didn't have children. Today I am married to a wonderful man and we have 2 children. I couldn't be happier. So hang in there and continue to fight for yourself!

I thought that you couldn't move out of the state. So unless your mom is in another state I believe that you are free to move. Good luck.