Step - Something Question

Stop looking for trouble where there isn't any.

My assessment of the situation is such:
Your ex-husband's girlfriend and family are trying to embrace and include your daughter in their family unit. No foul there.
Your ex-husband's girlfriend thinks enough of your to spend her hard earned money on clothes for her. No foul there.

You don't know what kind of clothes are being selected so don't pass judgement there. You also don't know if the clothes are coming to you with gift receipts. I would let my daughter wear those clothes when she goes to visit her dad so his girlfriend could see her in them. If the clothes turn out to be something you aren't in agreement with find something you can find redeeming about them or pair them up differently with other more appropriate things or let the girlfriend know through your ex-husband that the clothes should be a size larger or something like that.

It's not the time for you to get all momma bear, especially when it seems other adults in your child's life are trying to get to know her and show her love in their own way.

Relax, deal with your emotions and don't let them make this situation unbearable for your daughter. Your her mother and she will always choose you but don't stick her in the middle of your unchecked emotions.

My favorite movie about step moms is the one with Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts - Step Mom is the name of the movie. It really gives a larger view of the positions of all the players in this particular scenario.

Last thoughts - girlfriend is getting your leftovers, try to be supportive because you know better than her what she is getting in dealing with him. The dynamics of their relationship is probably different than the ones with you and him but he is still himself. She is probably trying to make the relationship with your daughter pleasant because your daughter is an important part of your ex-husband's life. This is a good thing too. Try to relax about these matters.

All I can say is that it is an ideal situation when the new partner of an ex treats your child well. Women can be really cruel to the children of the man they date. If his new partner treats her well, spends time with her, buys her things and tries to include her in her life; that's good. If she is not mean to her and your daughter doesn't complain....be happy.

Don't cause conflict where there isn't any. At the very least you need to wait and see what she bought your daughter before you worry. The clothes may be fine, if not nicely thank her for the items and then have a nice talk about what you think is appropriate.

To feel better just keep telling yourself that she could be a horrid woman and you and your daughter are lucky that she is not. No one will ever take your place. You always have been and always will be mom.

Would you feel this same way about any gifts that girlfriend gives your daughter, or is it clothes in particular? I would just treat them the way I would any gift my child might receive from anyone. Some of them I think are fine, and some I don't. The ones I don't, I just put away. Since your daughter lives with you full time, you have almost complete control over her wardrobe right now. I can't really tell if you like that she never stays overnight with her dad - I personally would prefer it, especially if there is another potential mother figure in the picture.

As for having your daughter call the girlfriend's family "aunt" and "uncle," I think that shows that they are accepting her as part of their family. I know it's probably a little tough to think that someone who is not part of your family could consider themselves part of your daughter's family, but isn't that better than the alternative?

I dread the day my ex starts dating. All of a sudden, this person who has no connection at all to me may feel entitled to have a say in how my children are raised. I get the territoriality, and I would grieve the loss of control, the loss of privacy from strangers, the loss of the life I envisioned for myself and my kids. I would resent the feelings of envy, worry, and competition that this other person represents. Just go easy on yourself, and don't pick battles where there doesn't have to be one.

See the clothing. If they are not appropriate, then speak to the father and child about what is appropriate and why. If they are already washed and unable to be returned, not your problem.

Also, pick your battles. Just about the only support we ever got from my DH's ex was clothing, and since they spent so much more time here, 90% of the wardrobe ended up here. We drew the line at thongs for a 12 yr old, but most of the time SD wore what she and her mom picked out and we emphasized appropriateness and time and place. So even if she had an outfit she thought was cute, if it wasn't appropriate for her friend's Bat Mitzvah, she didn't wear it.

So see what she got first and go from there. If they are truly clothes that cannot be worn, you can always donate them. Try to see it as support for your child. You can also segue this into a conversation about other things like ear piercing and haircuts. What do you really want to know about in advance/control? My DH had the agreement (he thought) that any piercings would be discussed in advance, but one day SD came home with earrings and surprise surprise, they got infected and WE had to deal with it. Or her mom yelled and screamed about keeping SD's long hair so we had a whole routine to braid it so it would be reasonable and then whack! one weekend it was gone. Looking back, both were around the time of our engagement and wedding so we really think it was a territorial thing, but all we wanted was a discussion. Truly. Better a talk with her mom upfront than finding out that SD took ear care solution to school (and could have been suspended).

And when the time comes (I hope) for your DD to spend overnights with Dad, then encourage him to keep clothing in his home so that she doesn't have to pack a big bag for every visit. He should provide her outfits appropriate for the weather, shoes, toiletries and pjs.

I know it's sometimes hard, but try to step back and think about what if it was your sister or friend who took DD shopping. Would you be as upset? If not, why? Sometimes it is important to separate the giver from the item if there's nothing wrong with the item. I was once upset about the wedding dishes DH still had and he said, "My mom bought those for us and it was one of the few things I got in the divorce." I felt really bad - here DH was a struggling single dad and I was all snarly about the fact his plates had come from his previous marriage. It totally changed my POV to hear that and I started thinking of them as MIL's dishes instead. So think of them as DD's clothes, not fiancees/dad's clothes.

ETA: And FWIW, I would have liked to have done more shopping with SD as a bonding thing but we usually got "stuck" with the un-fun gym clothes and such. And there was a lightbulb moment with DH when he realized HE could take his daughter shopping for a fancy dress just as well as her mom could. So while you want to have input, please also remember the value in those moments and how they can be good for your DD regarding the other side of her venn diagram family.

I do think it will all work out and kudos to you for looking for "soothing advice" and trying to handle the feelings. I know it's not easy to share your child.

Wait to see what kind of clothes show up before you say or do anything. Could be you have the same idea of appropriateness and it will be a non-issue. If there is a problem, then address it as calmly and factually as possible.

My stepmom has always been interested and kind, but she had never tried to take my mom's place or undermine her authority.

I don't have an issue with your daughter calling the stepmother's brother 'Uncle', or whatever. It does seem to be a touch premature since they are not yet married, but it is far better than the rejection of stepkid stories that pop up.

Here is my advice about this. Say nothing to your ex. Talk to your daughter and tell her that it is important to just keep your feelings to yourselves about "gifts" from Dad's girlfriend. We accept gifts by saying thank you, and then we do what we want with the gifts. If the clothes are inappropriate, you tell her that this is not what is appropriate to wear and you put the clothes away. You don't get rid of them for a long time because you don't want your daughter telling this woman that you pitched them. However, no matter WHO gives her inappropriate clothes, she doesn't wear them.

Your ex is a real wimp not letting her spend the night, but look at it like a blessing for the time being. Be honest with your daughter about what they are expecting from her in regards to names for the girlfriend's family. First, ask her how she feels about calling people she doesn't know by these names. If she doesn't like it, tell her that it's up to her to do what she is comfortable with, however, it is not okay to get into an argument with her father or his girlfriend. Tell her that sometimes it's best to just say okay and then do what she is comfortable with anyway. What will probably happen is that she will call them NOTHING until she starts to like these people, and then it will come naturally.

This way, you don't put her in the middle. I hope this makes sense.

My niece had this issue with her biological father's wife. She was NOT a nice person. She played ugly games and it hurt my niece's feelings. But the woman would buy her expensive gifts that my niece did not need (like expensive designer pocketbooks.) She would say thank you and then bring them home and put them away so that she could be truthful if the woman asked about it. But she never carried the purse back to see her father. Ever. Ditto about the ridiculous teen clothes that showed too much that the woman bought her. My sister wouldn't allow my niece to wear them anyway. My niece was a pretty smart cookie - she realized that this was a manipulation game the woman was playing and she never bought into it.

My sister didn't badmouth the woman, but she sure did listen to the things that my niece said and read between the lines. Good communication helped my niece cope. I think that your daughter will cope well too if you handle all this carefully.

Good luck,
Dawn

Your feelings are understandable no one wants to feel that another person is stepping in to their parental territory. In reality with so many broken families and multiple marriages, step parents are going to happen. Try and be glad that your former husband's future wife cares enough about your child to welcome her into her side of the family. And as for not sleeping over night, perhaps the future wife is doing this out of respect.

I am a mom and stepmom. While I understand your knee jerk territorial response (who doesn't have momma bear moments over ultimately silly situations?), I would encourage you to check yourself over the girlfriend being involved with your daughter. You set the tone in how your daughter will be treated by the girlfriend and her family. If you negatively overreact to kind gestures today, you run the very real risk of alienating her and her family tomorrow. How do you think an alienated girlfriend is going to treat your daughter? I doubt it will be nice. Remember after divorce your daughter's definition of family will possibly double which is a good thing ideally. More people to love and care for daughter. Also remember you will disagree with your own family and your ex had you remained married. Disagreements are handled with calm communication not flying off the handle. Finally you haven't even seen the gift - ironically the clothes could be even more conservative than you would pick/want. I dress my stepdaughter far more age appropriate than her mom. Good luck.

Is it possible she may have done something right? Is it possible she loves your ex and his child? Is it possible she isn't trying to take over? Is is possible she really is a being sneaky and horrible....yes to all of the above.

But without knowing what the clothes look like, you don't know! Sorry as a "step child" (since I was four) the worst thing I ever saw was my mom getting so jealous of my step mom...over stuff like this. 30+ years later and she still gets jealous "you spend more time with them than you do us!, they have the kids all the time!"....

Please don't do this to your child. Wait until the evidence is there...

The calling them formalities...that should be up to your child...what is she comfortable with.

You have control over how you feel. When these anxious and disturbing thoughts arise switch from continuing to think the thoughts and tell yourself that this is OK. I suggest you write down each incident on the left side of a piece of paper including why you're anxious about it. On the right side of the paper write down a more logical explanation that does not cause you to feel so anxious. Then when you start having the anxiety remind yourself that what is happening is really OK.

Why do you feel anxious. Your daughter has to live in both your home and her Dad's. I'd look it as a good sign that his fiance bought her clothes. It would indicate that she's beginning to accept her in her life. Isn't that what you know is best for your daughter. Perhaps this is the first step to her Dad having her overnight. Overnight is good for your daughter. She needs a good relationship with her Dad.

As to whether or not your beliefs in what is appropriate goes, see what she bought first. You don't know that they will be inappropriate. This is an opportunity for you to work together with your ex in finding a way that is comfortable for both of you.

How old is your daughter? If these clothes are not the style you like, she can always save those clothes to wear while with her Dad. My 9 yo grandson actually has two wardrobes; one at his Dad's and one at his Mom's.

My granddaughter has always spent quite a bit of time with me and I buy clothes for her that aren't always the sort fashion her mother prefers. Her mother still lets her wear them. They most often end up at my house which is fine. My granddaughter is 12 and the fashions she chooses aren't always ones that either my daughter or I would choose. She just has to follow certain guidelines. You can work out guidelines with her prospective step-mom.

I suggest that calling members of her family by Aunt and Uncle is a way of showing respect. I grew up calling all adult close friends Aunt and Uncle.

I suggest that you get into counseling to find out why this is all weird and confusing. It seems pretty straightforward to me. Your daughter has two families. Since her Dad is engaged, or at least living with her, this woman is a part of his family which includes your daughter.

I suggest that you find ways to get to know his girlfriend/fiance. You may even like her. At the very least you'll have a better idea of her sense of style and appropriateness. If you can be casual friends you can talk about how to best work together for the sake of your daughter.

I suggest you read the book titled What to Say to Yourself When You Talk To Yourself. We really do have control over how we feel.

The best thing that you can do is advocate for your daughter. Encourage her to not take sides. If the fiancee is nice to her and treats her well, count yourself blessed. As for being upset about the clothes---normal to feel that way. Acknowledge the feelings and then let them pass.... you will get through it. Have you tried journaling??? I have found it to be very helpful in sorting out all over the map emotions and conflicts. I try to write every day at least for fifteen or twenty minutes---helps clear the brain and I don't go to bed with any unresolved heartache.

Don't talk to the fiancee about it or the ex. Just let it be and if there is any conflict in the future about anything, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, just enjoy your daughter~

I guess I'm not understanding why something so mundane as clothing have potential to cause conflict? They're just clothes. It sounds like the fiancee and her family are treating your DD like family and this is an absolutely wonderful thing.

Unless your child is in danger, you have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't perpetuate your negative feelings onto anyone else and make things harder for your child than they already are. This is what happens when you divorce - each party moves on and we have to learn how to deal with it like a mature adult.

Please take a step back and reevaluate how you're perceiving the situation and whether or not you're trying to create drama where there is none. This is about your child and her happiness, and your feelings are secondary, I'm afraid.

As a mother AND step-mother, I find it incredibly frustrating to read these types of posts. It seems like step-moms can't do right in the bio mom's eyes no matter what we do - we're either too involved or not involved enough. Please be compassionate. You are all going through an incredible change.

Good luck!

He is going to have relationships, some will work out and some won't. Your daughter will always be coming in contact with these people. I think it's nice of him to not keep her overnight when he's entertaining a guest overnight.

You're going to have to learn to deal with this for the rest of your life. Other people will always be part of your child's life. She will be included in Christmas, birthdays, holidays, and other times when she'll get gifts and even more clothing. When you share a child with someone else you don't get to rule their choices and you don't get to say much about what they do or give her.

Life is too short to worry over stuff like this. She has every right to buy your daughter something. If it were me I would have kept them at dad's so I could see her wear them but she's sending them with her so she can have them to wear more often.

I think it is kind of a good thing, a way to open up a dialog with your daughter. So your daughter goes shopping with her, she will ask for clothes. What those clothes look like is more an insight into what your daughter wants. So if you want everything prim and proper and she comes home with flashy then that shows your daughter wants flashy but isn't communicating that to you.

So then you can discuss what she likes about those clothes, meet in the middle or where ever you are comfortable with.
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After reading your what happened, you are aware we are humans? Moms? Some of us in step situations? That is how we answer, it is all we know.

I know there is only one thing that would set me off, if someone my ex dates gets my daughter's hair cut. I have no idea why but dammit! I like to go with her to get her hair cut. My ex's ex fiancee was a hair stylist and she would never cut my daughter's hair no matter how many times my ex tried to get her to do it. Apparently this is a universal don't do it! Go figure.

You haven't even seen the clothes, so why assume or be worried that they will be inappropriate? If they were, would your ex say something or intervene in any way, letting the girlfriend know he doesn't approve, or you won't approve? My husband was married before and has 2 sons from his first marriage. When they were younger (i.e. between 6 and 9) I used to get them clothes all the time - if I came across stuff that was cute, and on sale, sure. Especially when it seemed like every pair of pants and jeans they had ended up with holes in the knees, or it was stuff from their favorite sports teams, and their mom seemed to really appreciate it. You didn't mention the age of your daughter, but I am guessing as she gets older, she may not want other people picking out clothes for her - she'll want to pick out her own stuff. Once my stepsons hit their tween years, I didn't buy them clothes any longer. As the parent of a daughter, I can understand the worry about what they wear and now appropriate it is, and you don't want someone else being "the fun parent/stepparent" and letting the child get things that you don't approve of. But don't assume worse, or start worrying about the future - if it comes up, that is the time to have a conversation about it, with your ex and the girlfriend, if she is still around at that point. Who knows, she could totally be on the same page as you as far as what is appropriate and what isn't.

As far as your daughter calling the girlfriend's family members Aunt and Uncle and such, I can also understand having an issue with it, but I would have an issue from the standpoint that they are not married yet, and we don't seem to know where this relationship is going. Once my husband and I got married, my brother did become "Uncle J" to my stepsons - and at least some of that was out of respect for the fact that he is an adult and older than them. In our family, titles like Aunt and Uncle are not just for actual aunts and uncles - my older cousins are Aunt and Uncle to my daughter, as well as certain close family friends. It's more respectful than just going by first names only, but not so formal as Mr. and Mrs. I can see where for your daughter, it may get confusing, but at the same time, at this point, telling her that she may NOT call these people Aunt and Uncle after she's been allowed to do so may create even more confusion in her mind, and it may be better just to let this one go. My stepsons call their mom's live-in boyfriend their stepdad, even though they are not married and have no plans to get married, and while I don't like it, it's also none of my business and not worth arguing over.

The thing I would probably have the most issue with is your ex not keeping his daughter over for overnight visits. Is he and the girlfriend living together or is she staying with him every night? Is he concerned about sending your daughter the wrong message or is it more about the girlfriend would feel put out if he wanted her to not stay overnight if his daughter is there? He needs to think about what kind of message that sends to his daughter if he's not willing to have her overnight if the girlfriend is there - basically, that she's not important enough to have her there, and sometimes put her first over the girlfriend.

I think also you might have to learn to deal with the fact that your ex is romantically involved with someone else, the relationship may progress to marriage or it may not, he may get involved with another someone else down the road, and this is the kind of stuff that comes with the territory, when another adult enters the picture. If you feel you can discuss these things with your ex in a calm rational manner, with the both of you keeping your emotions in check, by all means, you should. It's understandable that you might start getting all "mama bearish" and territorial, but if you can talk things out with the ex and the girlfriend, it might help you see that really, it's all going to be okay.

Just remember it takes a village and the gf/fiance is in your village, like it or not. Take comfort in knowing that your daughter has a lot of people who love her; the more the better.

Your daughter should call the family by familial terms - they are going to be family when your ex and the fiance wed.

My SIL had her daughter call Mom and Dad inlaw Grandma and Grandpa from the moment she started dating my BIL. To her the other kids were calling them that, and so her kid should call them that. To us, it was a bit weird also, but now they are married and it doesn't matter.

As for the clothing, she is trying to build a relationship with your daughter. You do need to be on the same page as far as appropriateness. Is there a way to ask that she not wash new clothes before you've been able to see them? You should be able to have the last say and return power. Also, being on the same page will help your daughter in the long run and not have her playing the sides and dressing one way at your house and another at Dad's house, as long as you don't find out.

What worked for me (my son is 18) was to just be as stable and steady as possible for my son.

It's understandable to have these feelings . . . if this relationship came on fast and heavy, chances are it will go out that way too. I would pick my battles and not give them any ammo.

Stable, steady, sane . . . and lots of prayers.

It might help to find a neutral counselor or pastor to talk to so you can work through some of these feelings. That way they don't get destructive.

Good luck.

Hang in there.

i think it's natural to be a bit territorial under the circumstances. but that doesn't mean your feelings should get full rein.
really, you haven't even seen the clothes yet. if they're adorable, will you still want to roar? if so, then it has nothing to do with 'appropriate', it's pure territory.
and territorial feelings can be acknowledged without being treated as valid.
after all, if the clothes are sleazy, you simply have your daughter thank the fiancee (as i'm sure she'd do for any gift from anyone, right?) and then give the clothes the heave-ho when she brings 'em home.
the overnight is a little weird, but all the better from your perspective, right?
as for the aunts and uncles, i totally get why that makes your hackles raise. but it's really best to let that go. if explanations are needed, simple ones can be given, and yes, she'll understand them. kids are smarter than we think. but it probably won't even come up. and she has to call them something.
hang in there, mama!
khairete
S.

I think you need to look at it in a different prespective. This step mom is involved. I remember that post we had here a few months ago about the step mom getting all bent out of shape because the dad sat on the floor with the kid instead of her. If he is wishy washy its more of just becareful talk about getting to close because he's had so many girlfriends in the past and they come and go maybe this will work out but who knows. As for clothing I'm sure your daughter is well aware what her mommy feels is acceptable. What if the lady didn't like your daughter and didn't get along with her would the wishy washy dad dump you for her? That happen to me as a kid. Barely saw my dad at all and when he got a girlfriend not at all and she was a crazy drunk who I needed to stay away from. Once you start thinking of the goodsthings about it I think your jealousy will go away.

She's buying clothes for your daughter, as long as they are appropriate, that is great. It shows she is accepting your daughter and doing things for her. Her family is considering your daughter as family, great...you don't want her feeling like an outsider do you?

I am the oldest of my dad's children (mom's only child). I never really called my step-family "aunt", "uncle", etc. They didn't really act like I was part of the family anyway (I was "Johnny's daughter" or "Sherry's sister" but not so much their "niece"). In fact, I found out after I was an adult that one of the younger cousins actually thought my dad's older sister was my mom (never realized she was dad's sister). Another step-relative (married to one of the step-uncles) never realized I was the oldest (guess they thought I was the result of an early affair...maybe that is why I never felt they accepted me!). My hubby's family fully accept my son as their family. My son's stepmother's family accepts him but I don't think they treat him as their "grandchild" or "nephew" but they do treat him ok when he's around.

If the clothing turns out to be inappropriate, you can always have a chat w/ dad. Be sure you stress that you are thrilled that they bought the clothes but really would like them to respect the styles you have approved or at least leave tags on for you to see before they wash them.

**added** we add info about our personal experience to help you see another perspective. That different perspective can change your thoughts and outlook on what you are going through and in turn your feelings too.

I have always believed that stepmothers to girls should ALWAYS touch base with the biological mothers first regarding clothing and hair and make-up, etc. It just seems to make perfect sense to do it and no sense not to, so I honestly don't understand any woman who would take it upon herself--even if the father asks her to--to make these decisions for a girl who has a mother. Do you have a good enough relationship with your ex to ask him to put you in contact with his current? You should talk to her and explain to her that with girls' fashion being what it is, you have specific ideas about your daughter's image and would prefer that she leave the fashion choices to you. Haircuts, styles of earrings, shoes...all fall under the category of "please talk to me first". For example, if she wants to take her for a new haircut and let that be their thing that bonds them, she should still ask you what you think about the/a style before taking her. And you would need to be open to allowing that. She should even encourage your daughter to talk to you first. (I don't believe in secrets between step children and stepparents, although it's okay if the children think that they share the occasional secret, depending on what kind it is. A few years ago, my stepson had an issue with me and used a couple fo choice words to express himself. He wasn't yelling at me, just telling me his feelings. The point was that he was talking, so I didn't put much emphasis on the wording. I told his father about the conversation but asked him not to mention it to SS and let him see that as something between us.) She wants to be her friend. She wants to look like a doting mother with input to her appearance and her fashion sense, but that's just not her place unless you are involved, as well. Men don't get that, so you might have a hard time getting your ex to back you up if it hits the fan.

Regarding her family, you've gotta let that one go. When we have children, we choose who their family is, and it's hard when someone you did not choose and maybe wouldn't have chosen gets to claim an intimate relationship with your child. I get it, but you have to allow her to be loved by others. You and her father should stay on the same page about what you want for her, so you can trust each other's decisions. Take comfort in knowing that you have her with you pretty much all the time, anyway.

Huh? You never saw the clothes (hip hop, pink, tom boyish) so how is it potential for conflict?