Hello all. I'm new at dating a 37 year old man that is pretty great. Everything is going so smoothly that it makes me a almost second guess things. Situation is: My boyfriend is a successful man with a great job, good kids and good stable home. His Dad and step mom live with him "to help out with the kids". I've noticed that the step mom and him have a very close relationship. When he is at my place having dinner and hanging out, she calls to see what he's doing. Every single time! I've also noticed that when he can't get ahold of his step mom, there's like a worry on his face until she calls him. Last night, he was hanging at my place and the step mom called 3 times within 10 minutes each. He only answered the last call. He told her where he was and that yes, he has had dinner. He also said at the end of the call that he will be home shortly and that he was just about to leave. Well, he wasn't but he sure did leave pretty fast and used the excuse that it was getting late. I've noticed that he always has to know where she is or vice versa. The concern is never on where is my dad but more where she is. Also, he is not close to his biological mother....hardly talks to her. Could this be something deeper from childhoold or the obvious? HELP?
Thanks all for your responses. I guess the first thing to clear up is what's "the obvious". My impression is something sexual is going on between the step mom and my boyfriend. She is not that far off in age from him (11 yrs) and is good looking for her age. Setting looks aside. We always do what he wants to do on weekends which is hanging out drinking at a bar with his dad and step mom. When he drinks I've noticed he watches her dance around (only a couple times). This past weekend I noticed on his nightstand was a pair of diamond earrings with a hair strand near it, a long one. I didn't ask him about it because he was passed out and didn't want to cause an argument the next day. His daughter doesn't have that color hair nor has holes for earrings yet. It was the color of the step moms hair. The dad and her have been married for close to 11 years. He goes wherever she goes. I'm trying to choose my battles here with him being that the relationship is so new but it's on my mind.
If you really think there's a relationship between them more than parent/child, get out of yours. Frankly, anybody who had to keep tabs on their parent like that (or anybody close to them) I would not date. That screams of control issues and why would you want that? If you always do what he wants and he always wants the same thing and you don't like it, then maybe this just isn't the guy for you.
What you wrote weirds me out and raises some red flags. I could say he's just a concerned and loving guy, but you said it's only directed at his stepmom and not his dad. How old was he when she became his stepmom? Yesterday I read a similar situation in a Dear Prudie column on Slate. Here's the link and I will paste the question and response as well:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/10/...
Not My MIL: My husband's first wife died and he maintains a close relationship with her family. He is particularly close to her mother, whom he calls "mom" (his own mother passed away at a young age). Throughout our marriage I respected their relationship, although there were times when I wondered if he was doing a little too much. For example, he has given her a very large sum of money when she bought a new house, or when her nephew got married, etc.—more than what we could afford. Another time, her daughter was meant to visit her but had to cancel the trip last minute—so he invited her to come with us on what was meant to be a romantic getaway so she wouldn't be alone on her birthday. She had surgery a couple of times and both times my husband took unpaid sick leave to take care of her. She's been having medical problems but does not want to live in a nursing home. Her daughter lives in another country so my husband now wants her to move in with us. I could see myself living with his father if need be, but this woman has minimal ties with me. We've had horrendous arguments over whether to live with her or not. He says she is his mother and I should not be so heartless. I certainly don't think of her as my MIL and I don't want her to move in with us. What should we do?
A: Even if his former mother-in-law was his actual mother, I would object to the place she has in his life. People should not go broke to support their parents; they should not ruin romantic weekends with their spouses to accomodate their parents (except for an emergency); and unless both spouses are in favor, they should not move their elderly parents in with them. The problem here is not convincing your husband this woman isn't really his mother, it's that he's undermining his marriage by placing her needs above yours. I try not to end every letter with a call for therapy, but here goes. Stop having the horrendous fights and get the two of you to a neutral party to help you negotiate how your husband can feel he is honoring this woman while respecting your limits.
At first I was going to say that maybe his step-mom has taken over the "housewife" duty and needed to know about his dinner status so she coul plan what to cook. But 3 times, and then the hanging out at the bar thing...it's just too much. I think you need to trust your gut on this one.
Women have great instincts and we're taught/told to disregard them, usually by the people who have been *caught*. I'm sure if you talk to him he'll deny, but you'll know the truth. This guy has earrings and long hair on his nightstand, and gets so drunk that he passes out, and his idea of a good time is hanging out at a bar with his parents? He is not the prince charming you are looking for, even if he ISN'T in a physical relationship with his step-mom.
Get out now! It sounds fishy to me too. No use getting any more invested in this relationship than you already are.
I have jealousy issues so I could not date a person like him. Also, I would stop the bar nights. When you stop those nights and suggest that the two of you go out with pals and he sulks--you may have an answer.
"The obvious"? What's obvious? How long have you been dating him? You should be able to ask him things that you want to know, as you're getting to know him and determine how and if you want to invest in him. Ask him about his relationship with his stepmother--How long has she been married to his father? How did he come to have such a close relationship with her? How close is he with his bio mother? How did they come to decide on their living arrangement? What's it like for him and his social life to be in the same house with his parents? Does he expect to ever get married, and, if so, will he expect his wife to move into that arrangement?
The first thing that came to my mind while reading this was that you should be able to talk about this with him if he is spending time with you in your home. The second thing that occurred to me is that she is the woman of his house, and that extends to certain expectations like having an idea of when he'll be home and whether or not he will be eating what she has prepared. Would you have these same questions if she were his biological mother?
