Sherry -
My step-kids were 18 and 15 when my husband and I first got together. They were (and to a certain extent, still are) incredibly spoiled and self-centered. Their mother is an emotional wreck who did everything imaginable to keep "her" children away from me. We've had YEARS of drama and it's been incredibly hard. I wasn't just the step mom, I was likened to the devil (seriously.) They NEVER came to our home or spent any time with me whatsoever and I was totally ignored if we happened to be at a family gathering together. My husband was no help at all and allowed them to continue this obnoxious and ridiculous behavior for YEARS.
I'm telling you all this (and, wow, it's painful just remembering how truly bad it was) because nearly 7 years later, it is just a memory. My step-daughter is now 25 and just got married this past spring. I have to credit her new husband (whose parents are also divorced) with getting her to lighten up and give me a chance. The wedding proved to be a bonding experience for us. My husband and I have a beautiful 4-year-old together and she suddenly came in "handy" as she made the perfect flower girl for the fairy tale wedding. (Until my step-daughter had a "need" for her, neither of my step-kids had made any effort to get to know their half-sister. Nice, huh!) My step-son, now 22, continues to be somewhat aloof, but he has a lovely girlfriend who, I believe, has also told him to knock it off.
Their mother continues to be a martyr, but they've grown tired of her "poor me" attitude and all her whining. As they've grown into adulthood, I think the effort of being overtly rude is now too much. While we're still not lovey-dovey, we've arrived at a comfortable place, I feel like we continue to evolve in our relationship and I do believe that, someday, there will be appreciation and admiration from both of them. I'm a good person, their dad and I have a terrific marriage, they have a beautiful little sister who they now know and adore, they have comfortable lives and they certainly have NOTHING to be miserable about.
Sorry that I wrote a novel, but it sounded like you weren't really seeking "advice," just the comfort of knowing others have been in your shoes and that time will ease the challenges of a blended family. It will. Take it one day at a time and be patient. The years will pass quickly and the kids will mature. I'm thrilled to finally be in that place and you will be, too. L.