Father Getting Married and Family Changes

I can give you the perspective of the "new wife" and how things went when my husband and I got married. My husband has two girls from his previous marriage, and when we met they were 3 and 4, when we married they were 5 and 6. (now they are 7 and 8)

I have always made it a point to tell the girls that I will love them and take care of them like a "mommy" does, but that they have a wonderful mommy and I am not here to be their mom, but here to be their third parent. Though they were very young when first hearing this message, over the years, they have come to understand what that means.

My husband and I welcomed our first child, my husband's third daughter, and the two older girls love her and have never had issues with her, especially since our youngest is with us all the time and the girls aren't. You see, the girls live with their mom in Louisiana, and we live in Colorado. We don't get to see the older girls as much as we'd like, and we have never exhausted the search for a position for my husband closer to where they live. Unfortunately, for the work he does, we need to remain in Colorado.

Over the years, our older two girls have come to love that they have so many people in their family. They have two sets of grandparents here, cousins, aunts and uncles, and are embraced and loved by them all so much. My family has taken to the girls as if they were "mine" all along.

I don't call them my stepdaughters, I call them my daughters. I always have looked at it from that lens...

To tell you an amazing thing, we are ALL going to Disney World this summer - me, my husband, our three girls, and my husband's ex-wife. To have us all there on a trip that the girls (us too) will always remember, is such a gift. All three of us adults are looking forward to it, and see it as a celebration. How powerful for the girls to see both sides of their family come together at such a magical time.

I haven't really ever seen serious issues from the older two girls that their parents are no longer together, and that their Daddy married someone else. The girls love spending time with me, and give me lots of hugs and kisses and love.

They have their own room with their own things - things that no one else can play with or touch unless they are here. They helped to decorate their room, and helped pick out their bedding, etc. They even painted pictures to hang on the wall. I have put photos of all of us in their room, and they each have a bulletin board where they put ticket stubs to movies and places we go together - notes from us, etc.

The older two girls have asked my husband, "Do you still love Mommy?" My husband always has and always will respond to them, "Yes - I love your Mommy. She gave me both of you and I will always love your mommy for that. I love S. as my wife - I love your mommy because she is your mommy." The girls seem very comforted by that answer and perhaps we will further need to explain what his "love" for their mommy means as they get older - if they even ever ask that question again. Other than that, things have been pretty smooth.

We are very careful that we are as consistent between houses as possible - similar schedules, similar discipline, similar expectations, etc. That way the girls don't have to try to figure out what's okay at one house versus the other house. It helps them to have consistency, routine, and predictability. We think it makes a difference.

When there is a problem with behavior (at either house) or something happens at school, etc. we adults keep in touch about that and really try to show the girls that all three of us are actively co-parenting as much as possible.

Sounds like you and your ex-husband, and his new wife-to-be, have a positive relationship and that you want to do what's best for your family. Right there puts you so far ahead of so many others that struggle with conflict, resentment and bitterness. There are always hurt feelings and things to work out among adults when there is a divorce and a new marriage, but when you stay focused on the kids and what is in their best interests, you can't go wrong.

Hope this helps a bit... I am very blessed to have the girls in my life, and have come to appreciate so much what their mom does for them every day (by herself). It's a lot of work to be a parent (Mom or Dad), and your outlook and attitude is so great in your post... keep it up and know that it seems that you're definitely on the right track!

As a step parent myself I have dealt with this kind of problem before. I have 2 step kids and would be stepkids. They all seemed to resent me when they thought I was there to take their mother's place. They felt that I believed my child over them when problems arose and then my own child felt alienated if I chose to go with what they said over him. They all thought I favored one over the others. They might be afraid that you will not be there for them like my stepkids' mom. She gently faded out of their lives. I would watch to see if your girls' behavior changes to the point you see the difference. Assure your girls and the other ones that you are there for them and that the stepmom is not taking your place and you aren't taking the place of the other girls' mom. Also stand your ground that you won't tolerate behavior that is sneaky (like playing one set of parents over the other) and lying or anything of that nature. Its always good to be prepared and at the first sign of trouble talk it over with your ex and the new wife that way they can monitor behaviors and be aware of a potential problem.

If you all are getting along there is no reason why you all can't deal with this as it comes along. As long as you, your ex and his new wife are on the same page concerning the kids then you can all deal with the problem.

For me when my dad remarried I had the concerns of..."will he still love me as much" and then the jelousy cause my half sister had him all the time where I never got to see him. I think your DD's are lucky that things are amicable my parents was not! It really sounds like things may work out fine, just keep them invovled so they don't feel left out and of course continue to be supportive!!

I am so glad to hear that you have a good relationship with your ex and his wife to be. My ex and I worked very hard to stay friendly, and now that our children are grown with children of their own we still get together once in a while with all of the kids and grandkids. We even went jet skiing one summer together, my ex and husband now get along good, and my daughter with my husband now gets along great with my ex. It makes life so much easier.

The only thing I can think of that you may run into is what your girls call their step-mom. Sometimes at school it is just easier to say "I am going to the movies with my dad & mom." Or, " I have to ask my parents." So try to deal with that before it happens, are you going to be bothered by them calling her Mom? It certainly doesn't make you not their mom, that's for sure. I hope this is making sense to you. When my kids went to stay at their dad's house, I knew it was hard for them to explain to their friends there, so they just called them both their parents. When we were all together in a group they would introduce us all as their parents, then they would say "This is my dad, Brad, and my other dad, Todd, etc. It worked out great for us.

She says...

She said I shouldn't use this in my hair.
They say this works better than that.
They said you are wrong about when I should do this.
She said I should be able to do this.
She thinks I'm ready for that.
They wonder why you don't let me do this.

Especially if you've been stern about routines or care or some other aspect of your daughters' lives, they will invariably do it differently and your daughter will come home thinking you're nuts.

I still don't know how to combat this, but at least you can be aware!

A.,
It sounds like there is nothing to worry about. Blended families can be a challenge, because of conparisons about how each are treated. One thing that may be a concern is if your ex-husband treats his daughters differently than his new wife's daughters.

I would encourage your daughters to be aware that their father gets to love his new family just as much as he loves them. As you teach your children that love is infinate and loving more people only assists it in growing, it will assist them to see the blessing of a larger family.

I believe that it truly depends on the new mom. Is she willing to treat the girls just as if they are her very own, or does she play favorites. I am a step-mom and my boys (step) are mine too. I never made rules for them and not my own girls. Mom,Stepmom, & dad need to stay on the same page or at least the Stepmom and Dad MUST. If they are feeling separated they will feel unloved. My daughters had a stepmom that did not want them and it started at the wedding - she didn't want them in the wedding, she wanted her nieces only. It got worse from there. When she had her only child (a son) she was even worse. They are now divorced and he (their dad) is now re-married to another woman that is not exceptional either. I am thankful that my boys know that I love them very much.
The only other thing I can think of is the stepmoms children, are they as accepting of your girls or are they mean to them and try to get them into trouble. Lucky for me, my boys and girls still at ages - 21 (3 of them), 19, & 18, say thats my sister. The boys are even more protective of the youngest girl now that she is dating. We blended well. Encourage them to love her (the stepmom), even when you will want to just shelter them. I hope this helps K

Jealousy could develop. Their new sisters are going to have a full time dad while he's only part time with them. I would try to make sure that you and the new step mom are fairly close in disipline ideas, & conflict resolution. If she handles things way differently than you do it could cause the "We don't do it like that at my house" problems. Your girls aren't teenagers yet but when they are old enough to understand more complicated relationships other questions will arise especially if and when your ex and his wife add to the family. Good Luck