Step-parenting - Pueblo,CO

You could take a look at the Love and Logic books at the library and see what you can find. There is also www.loveandlogic.com where you can sign up for their newsletter.

One of the first things is maybe to sit down as a family on a weekend when the stepson is there, and set up some rules. Let everyone participate in what rules they want to have and agree with.

I think www.DrPhil.com has some stuff on step-families as well, but any of the parenting stuff can probably be helpful.

Has the father of the boy told him that you are an equal authority to himself? Has there been a family meeting about the behaviors? for everyone?

I have to tell you that my older children did not like sharing there dad either. So what we did and its very simple. Jessie needs to spend time alone with only his dad. When he comes over for the weekend he needs to have one day where its father and son only. He is nine and at nine his dad is everything to him. You are a blended family, one weekend night can be blended family night. The other night has to be Jessie and his dad. You need to understand this and be on board with this and you will see a change. You need to explain to Jessie that your sorry for not recognizing the need for a father and son to be alone. Tell him you love him and this will be a new start for the family. Make sure you explain to your daughters what will be happening on the weekends from now on. A new start! This will be a great time for you also to just take off with the girls and to girl stuff. I am telling you it will work. Good luck!!!

One more thing, do not discipline Jessie. Unless he is going to hurt himself let his dad deal with his son. You deal with your daughters. You can kindly guide him, but do not be harsh with him it will never work. You only see him on weekends.

There are a lot of things about a blended family that kids have a really hard time with. I'm sure Jesse feels that it's he and his dad against you and your girls. That's just how kids that age process stuff. If he is only involved in your family on the weekend he may feel like he isn't really a part of the family. You need to have a sit down with Allen and talk about how you can work together for a little harmony. He needs to deal with Jesse's bad behavior and you need to deal with your girls. One of the things that has made me a very happy step-mom is that I don't discipline his kids...EVER...ok maybe when they run with scissors I yell stop. Seriously I have never been the one to discipline his kids. I told him on day 1 that his kids have a mom and a dad and I'm neither. Kids with step-parents are very lucky because once they begin adolescence they can have a 'safe' person. If you are not the one to judge his behavior or punish then he'll see you as a safe person to talk to about peer pressure stuff because you don't judge. It is a very powerful position. When your family is all together and hell breaks loose diffuse the situation by taking your girls out of it and talking to them about how they could have behaved differently (even if they did no wrong) to avoid that outcome. It's really a great opportunity for your girls to learn a life skill. It's hard being a step-person. I have 4 of them and we've been together over 10 years. I've seen A LOT and have realized how right I was in the beginning when I decided to leave the disciplining of HIS kids to HIM. Jesse is 9. He doesn't realize the pain he's inflicting on your family. Keep that in perspective and remember that every weekend won't suck. But you have to support your husband. Don't tell him how to raise his son!!...sorry I was hearing my husbands voice in my head!! Guys don't do well with advice so don't give any. In fact just ask him with your eyelashes aflutter 'how can i help' I swear it works!

You need to read the book, "Stepmonster". I know the title sounds bad, but its actually a great book for coping and dealing with stepchildren and being a stepmom.
You're NOT alone in this, and from the sounds of it your hands are full! Read the book, it'll make you laugh, cry and realize that "blended" is more of a utopia idea rather than a realistic approach to things.
You can check it out at your local library hopefully. I did, read it and feel so much BETTER and able to deal with things, and your husband should read it also.
Good luck, we're here for you!
-Momma and stepmom

WOAH!!! The swearing MUST stop. PERIOD.

If he cannot talk to you or anyone else in a respectful tone, then he can go to his room until he talk respectfully.

Dad will HAVE to spend one-on-one time with his son. PERIOD. You will have to adjust to that. He only gets 2 days a week with him. Now, he has to share it with FOUR other people. THIS SUCKS! Put yourself in HIS shoes. Not only do your girls get FIVE, count 'em FIVE days a week with him - but NOW HE HAS TO SHARE HIM with them too.

Maybe you can have Jesse over one night during the week while the girls are with their biological dad and do something special with just him. I can see his side - although I've never experienced it - but he only gets to see his dad two days a week and has to share him. That's GOT TO BE HARD on a boy.

Take your girls out for a few hours so they can have some alone time.

However the swearing and disrespectful attitude MUST stop from EVERYONE - not just him. You said your girls are not perfect either. So ground rules MUST be set. If don't put them in place, things will get even more out of control.

Make sure EVERYONE is treated the same way - no preferential treatment for a girl or a boy. Same consequences for the same behavior.

Everyone has to make this work. You all have to give something up and negotiate what will make everyone happy - whether or not you need to set up a family meeting to discuss what everyone wants and needs and go from there - but to make it work, everyone has to be on board.

Best regards,

Cheryl

Sorry K.. It sounds like you are really struggling and I am glad you are reaching out. First, let's be on the same page as parents -- to the best of your ability. I would sit down with dad and see where we agree (why Jesse is acting out, how we each respond, how it must be difficult to perhaps feel like an outsider in your home, how his other parent may or may not be on the same parenting page, etc.). See how to then enhance those similiarities (i.e., we will both repond in such and such way if Jesse does x, we will both enhance our efforts to make him feel at home, etc.)

K., as difficult as it might seem, I would ask you to increase your own individual time with him. He has to feel a bit torn between the two homes and, again, I am not sure how his other parent affects him (i.e., perhaps not 100% support Jesse's time with dad, employ different consequences / structure, etc.). Even if it is just little bits of one-on-one time, make it happen. I know it may feel like more is falling on your shoulders but we can get through this. Jesse needs to believe this and yet may not. It may be difficult for him knowing dad his this other family and he may doubt dad's love / investment. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Chino-CA/S.-A-K.-Marriage-a...

It sounds really hard, and I know how you feel. The best suggestion I have is to make sure Jesse still has one-on-one time with Allen. It doesn't have to be every weekend, but just some time he knows he will have with just his dad. It is easy to get caught up in trying to blend, but that is a looong process and can actually be facilitated by protecting some time for Jesse with his father. If Jesse only sees his dad on weekends and now has to share that time with you and 3 other children, it is understandable that he is mad. Kids of divorce get very used to having the sole attention of their parents and it is a difficult transition to make when they get married again.

Your feelings are also understandable since you want to protect your daughters. So, what do you need? It may be counter-intuitive, but what about some one-on-one time with Jesse yourself?

I think you are underestimating how hard this is on the little boy. I studied divorce in my child development class. Basically, research has found that kids never feel like they belong in either home afterwards. So he is feeling very insecure and this is harder on kids than death of an immediate family member. He just lost his dad. The small amount of time that he gets with him, he sees that his dad is all focused on a new girlfriend and her kids rather than on his mommy and him. So you, even if you are nice to him, are seen by him as taking his daddy away from him. And your kids, that are not biologically his, get to have his daddy all the time and he doesn't. I love all the suggestions of letting him have his daddy to himself on the weekends. For a little boy, he really needs his daddy every day. My kids are military kids, and when their daddy is gone, I see a huge increase in their insecurity and anxiety and they are very clingy. I am constantly having to reassure them. They have more nightmares and are not as happy. So I think that disciplining this boy should be only by his dad and only with extreme love and compassion.

If I had three daughters I'm not sure I would expose them to this situation.

Things could very easily get worse instead of better, especially as the younger kids grow into teens (including Jesse).

There is a reason that blended families have a high divorce rate. You may want to consider intensive family counseling to see if you can all make this work.

You may have some hard decisions to make. Good luck to you and your kids (Jesse too).

i'll just were two peas in a pod! except the boy lives with us. and his other children i don't have problems, just with the boy! i feel your pain!

Sounds like the little guy is upset and jealous, and it's probably very normal in his situation. I think maybe he could get some one on one alone time with his dad on the weekends, but also make an effort to to have family time and let him know he is appreciated as well. Try and think of activities you can all do together.

Also, he does need to know what the limits are, and you and his dad need to make it clear to him that the language and disrespect are not allowed in the home. Also, when the girls start something, even if they aren't yelling or cursing, they need to be punished as well so the stepson can see that you deal fairly with everyone.

And try to pick your battles and focus on the positive, and reward him for good behavior, even if you have to search to find it. He will pick up on that eventually.

Good luck!

i agree with the family therapy idea, but i also wonder, is it Jesse's choice to come every weekend? maybe it's time to ask him what HE wants to do, maybe it would benefit him to just spend some time every weekend alone with his dad, out to lunch, movies, bowling, etc........i hope you and his father and his mother will remember it's about what JESSE needs....

From one stepmom to another I know it sucks. My stepson will be 11 in June and is getting difficult to handle. We get to see him every 3 months and the changes are very noticeable. Part of it probably is just the beginning of puberty, the testosterone is starting to flow and he's trying to exert his manliness to the girls (trying for the alpha male thing). My stepson will turn EVERYTHING in to some sort of competition with his little brother, my biological son, just to prove that he's better than him.

The other thing you might ask yourself/hubby is what is happening at Jesse's mom's house during the week. Are you guys on good terms with her? Could she be trying to stir up trouble?

I would still point the finger at puberty. Jesse is starting to grow up and he's starting to get to the age where he's stuck between being a little boy and a young man. It's probably just as hard on him as it is for you and the girls because he probably doesn't understand why he's doing what he does. Hormones suck for boys, maybe not as much as it does for us girls, but it still sucks. All I can say is try to take a deep breath. Unfortunately, if it is hormones, this is just the beginning and will get much worse before it gets better. Try not to resent him, he's just growing up. Good luck.

Poor little guy he feels so left out. If he only see's his dad 2 days a week he shouldn't have to compete for his attention. Dad & son need to have bonding time which will show reassurance that he still has his dad. So let saturdays be their special time. Initially it may need to be all day saturday then gradually go to morning & afternoon. It would be nice if you & dad & son can sit down & say that there needs to be changes for the better & you would like his input, let him have a voice & let him know what is expected of him. And as far as your stepmom part goes let your motherly instincts kick in & realize this child is hurting & it's not his fault this happened so love him like you would one of your own children that are hurting. Best wishes to you & your blended family.

This is a tough job, but the moms in us are usually stronger than anything else. YOU HAVEN'T BECOME COMPLETELY BLENDED! At this point from what I read everything in this household is mine and his. None of the kids will blend until the parents blend. Make the rules. Everyone in the house whether weekdays or weekends have to follow them. Both you and Allen have to follow through with the rules. (so make them together). When Jesse becomes your son and the girls become Allen's daughters then you will all start getting along like a family that has blended naturally. My boys & girls have been told all their lives that God knew they must have needed to dad's & two mom's. I treated all of the kids the same. My kids are now 23 (3), 21, & 20 (total of 5 kids) and they still act like their brother and sister and tell everyone they are. They don't use my Step-sister, Step brother. Also what helped was that neither my husband nor myself treated the kids any different when it came to discipline. I never counted past three and all of my kids knew it and the boys mom actually thanked me for treating the boys the same. (I kept the letter for proof. lol ) Get ready for a ride the next few years, but you need to make him yours too! I hope this helps you.

Family therapy - I know you feel like he's making your life miserable, but as a child of divorce myself, he's in a crappy situation. He probably feels like he doesn't fit in anywhere. Professional help to help everyone communicate may be the best thing for everyone.

have an activity that you each do with the kids. jesse wants attention from dad, they could go disc-golfing (or something) together. one-on-one time is more important to kids than we as adults realize and they crave that. come up for something for each child and for the family as a whole. good luck