My Step-son Is Acting Out Because His Father and I Have Gotten Married

This is WAY beyond what you can deal with at home. Please get professional help, and it sounds like you need to have permanent custody to give these kids some stability. Neither feels loved by their mother, they are just dealing with it in different ways. Dad is overcompensating, and you're shunning him. Punishing him is only reinforcing his belief that he's unlovable. He's begging for help in the only way he knows how. Please, please be his parents and get him help. This will only get worse.

J.,

The boy isn't the only one with HUGE issues. You have some real anger and resentment going on and I throrougly question parenting skills that involve putting a child outside because they are crying or in pain. You clearly favor your step-daughter, because she's no trouble to you....yet!

As far as this child "faking it", it's possible that he's not in physical pain, but he's in serious mental pain.

You have pointed out all the faults of your step-children's mother, but seem to disregard the fact that you and your husband are in great need of family counselling and better parenting skills as well.

If this 7 year old boy is the only white child in an all black school and is being bullied, trust me his mother is not the only one that would have the ONLY say about changing schools, in a court of law.

I have serious concerns for all of you.

Blessings....

Wow, there is a lot going on here..

First of all Counselors in schools are really not there to do therapy. You need to find a therapist for your son and then also use this therapist as a family counselor.

The first thing to remember is that whether the home life was good or bad when your husband and his ex were married, they were a family in the eyes of their children.

I am a child of divorce, but I was the oldest. My sister was young, so she was not as aware of what the true dynamics were. She was devastated when our parents divorced.. she still has not totally dealt with it. It still affects her life and her relationships but she does not want to work on it , because of the pain it causes her..

The therapist told us divorce in a family is just like a death to a child. It is not something you can always get over because time has passed. It has to be dealt with in stages.

This little boy has a lot going on in his head and heart. He is crying out for help, while everyone else has been able to move onto their new life.
I strongly suggest, you all take time, to put his needs first and decide how to get him through this.

Updated

Wow, there is a lot going on here..

First of all Counselors in schools are really not there to do therapy. You need to find a therapist for your son and then also use this therapist as a family counselor.

The first thing to remember is that whether the home life was good or bad when your husband and his ex were married, they were a family in the eyes of their children.

I am a child of divorce, but I was the oldest. My sister was young, so she was not as aware of what the true dynamics were. She was devastated when our parents divorced.. she still has not totally dealt with it. It still affects her life and her relationships but she does not want to work on it , because of the pain it causes her..

The therapist told us divorce in a family is just like a death to a child. It is not something you can always get over because time has passed. It has to be dealt with in stages.

This little boy has a lot going on in his head and heart. He is crying out for help, while everyone else has been able to move onto their new life.
I strongly suggest, you all take time, to put his needs first and decide how to get him through this.

Every kid wants THEIR parents to be together. I think that he's acting out to you about the marriage, because you guys got married first. If his mom had gotten married first, his anger would be towards her.

When you were married, did the ceremony include the kids? Or did you just show up one day and say 'we got married'?

As for his constant crying, could it be growing pains? Does he get vitamins? Drink a lot of milk? Dr. tests may not show a vitamin deficiency like lack of calcium. I would also read him stories of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' or such.

As for the mom being near by but not seeing the kids, there is no excuse for that. At the very least there should be visits once a week and phone calls every few days so that the kids will know that she is thinking of them. I don't understand the 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality.

Good luck
M.

Counseling is the only thing that is going to help with this situation. Are you kidding...read your own post (and have dad read it as well) and see all the major things that have happened to this child. All of this would be hard for an adult, let alone a 7 yr old.

This will only get worse if you don't seek counseling ASAP.

I know this must all be hard. This is just my opinion, that little boy needs a lot of love. I'm only going off your posting but for 7 years old, having being bullied all year long at a new school, being the only "white" kid, having your mother not want to see you all summer long, having a new sibling, now are the middle child and having a step-mom, is a LOT to ask of him. Of course he's acting out for some attention, to affirm he's cared about. He's only a little boy. I know you say his dad spends time with him and his sister, but maybe dad needs to also spend one-on-one time with his little man.
I have 3 kids, my older two are 15 and 13 the youngest is 3.5. So my middle son was the youngest for the longest, then a baby comes along. Don't get me wrong, I've never had much problems with him but he was jealous, loved his new baby brother but missed being the youngest. I tried my best to show him he was still my little man but he wasn't the baby anymore. It's hard on kids, and my son was 9, yours is 7.
Please be patient with him, show him love. See if you and your husband can keep him all year long to go to a school he's not bullied as much. If you can afford, put him in karate or something where you can learn to direct his anger in a positive way.
I don't think there is a band-aid solution, I think it's going to be many years of making your family strong. You put "if he was my son..." well he is your son too, you are not his biological mother but his other mother, and this boy needs a lot of love.
God bless your family!!!

Congratulations on getting married. It sounds like the family is going through a lot of stress and a lot of changes. I am going to focus my response on the 7-year-old, because even if his mom has issues, or you are feeling overwhelmed, this is a young child we are talking about. He's had to deal with problems at school, a mom who sounds like she is very distant from him, a dad who got married again, and a new baby sibling. That is a lot for a young child to deal with. In addition, some things you have written make it sound as if you are a little distant from this child yourself. You talk about him as your husband's kid, and "if he were your child" you would not let him do the things he does. Well, getting married to his dad means that he *is* your child, and your responsibility, now. You can't separate your husband's kids with his former wife from the one you and he have now... they are all your kids. Tough love is okay, as long as it's coming from a place of love. This kid sounds like he needs to know he is loved by the adults in his life. He attaches himself to his dad, because he knows his dad's love is there. He is not securely attached to his mom, or to his step-mom, and that can create very bad problems in his relationships to women later in life.

It sounds like you are trying, and I think you must be a good mom. I think you need to keep trying, and talking to your step-son, and letting him know you are there for him, you love him as much as you love his sisters, and you want to help him. He needs you a lot now, and the best thing you can do for him is to give your time and love and attention. He will see you love him through your actions, and it will make all the difference in the world to him. Don't think of him as the little whiny crybaby you think he is now... think of how your relationship to him will impact the rest of his life, as a grown man, too. He needs positive parenting, and he needs discipline. Most of all, he needs to know you love him. And from your post, it sounds like you are feeling stressed and ambivalent in your love for him. He's a little boy, and he's needing your help. You have a chance to make a difference.

Kids will sometimes fake injuries and hurts when they need your attention. It's likely that things are busy with a baby in the house, and his mom in school... his injuries are his cry for help.

Oh, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to be the only child of one color in a school that is predominantly another color... I grew up that way. And it wasn't a problem. But if he is bringing back reports of being bullied, in any school environment, that is a problem.

Give the best of you to your kids, all your kids, and you will not regret it, ever. I think you are a good mom to ask for advice. You just need to see it from his perspective as much as possible. Let him know he's a good kid. Expect to see the best in him, and he just might surprise you, in a good way.

Good luck.

Wecome to the wonderful world of blended family. ALL of you need some help. He is crying out for attention and the LACK of attention from his mom is not helping. It would help all of you to get some counceling. Also, get some books on blended families for ideas on structure and consistant love. It also appears there is no court order in affect with a parenting plan for the step kids? If not, I would take the steps to file one so its clear on who has the kids when. Not only the parents but the KIDS need to know when they will spend time with each parent. If the mom doesn't care, then give her every other weekend and leave it at that. You all need to get a grip on this asap, it will NOT get any better when these kids are tweens and teens. If you can't get counceling or a book that can guide you, google "blended families" and read some articles. Good luck to you guys.