Seeking Any Help with a Difficult 11 Year Old Stepson Who Treats His Dad Badly.

Hi, H.:

I would suggest that the families get together and have a family
mediation session.

Call: ###-###-####

Ask them how you can do a family mediation session.

Good luck. D.

Seeth....who on earth, young or old, wants to work hard and be busy all week, and then finally when the chance to be HOME comes you have to pack up and go stay at someone else's house?! That he doesn't want to come stay every other weekend with his dad and step mom is not neccesarily a reflection on his own mom, or the household of his dad and stepmom. In all likelihood he has friends in his own neighborhood, he is out riding bikes, playing ball with them, there are always school activities, clubs sports on weekends....it is up to his father (not you OR his mother) to foster his OWN relationship with his son, dad needs to go to him, not the kid morphing to fit dad's needs....my kids do not want to go to their father's either overnight, but they would love to go out to lunch with him once or twice a month, the would LOVE to see him at their various sports/school functions....if he would learn to text and AIM, they would talk to him all day long! I really hope your step-son is not FORCED to stay at your house, and that you and your husband are not insulted by this....and that your husband makes a grand effort to be a part of his son's life, rather than expecting his child to be a part of your husband's life, sigh....

Well, I think the first thing is to keep forgiving him because he's a child doing what children do, sometimes. You don't mention how the relationship is with the biological mom. Is it good? Does she support his visits? Is she putting him (even unintentionally) in the position of having to choose?

When my husband and I first married, me older son from a previous marriage felt like if he loved my husband too much he was in some way dishonoring his biological dad. This wasn't anything we did, or said. We didn't force Jesse to call him "Dad" and we commonly invited his biological father to parent meetings, family get togethers, school plays, birthday parties. It turned out that his biological dad was the one putting the pressure on him, asking him"why do you like him?", "what do you call him?" and all such as that. So I gues my question, more than advice, is: could there be something going on when he is at mom's that you don't know about that makes him feel the need to pull away?

I would say, just be consistent. Keep inviting him, take him some extra time in the summer if you aren't and if you can so he has more than 2 days every other week and can really feel like he has two families. When they went to their dad's house I wanted my sons to have their room, their clothes, their toys at dad's house, not because I didn't want to share mine, but because I wanted them to feel like they had 2 homes and weren't just visitors at their dad's. Don't know if you are doing that, but if you are't you might consider. Don't try too hard. There's no need for all of that expensive stuff, anyway. All you need to do is be there and be his family and I promise one day it will all smooth out. It did for us.

Hope this helps,

L.

Ok, I am a divorced mom myself. My son's dad is only about a 1/2 hour away, but my son is 10 and I know how these situations can be. Here is my best advice:

1) Remember who is the CHILD here. He may be 11, but he is just a kid. I am not saying that excuses rudeness or bad behavior, but put things in perspective and remember that kids act out and say rude things when they are upset and don't know a better way to express it. you and your husband MUST be the grown-ups and be more patient and more loving.

if he says something rude or inappropriate, of course you should stop him and tell him that it is not acceptable for him to talk that way to you. But- remember- there is more going on here than just a mouthy kid.

2)You don't say anything about your husband's relationship with his boy's mother, or what his relationship was like with his son BEFORE they broke up. Both of those issues are HUGE. What is the mom telling this boy about his father or you, etc?

If she is being hostile or negative, he may be hearing all sorts of things and then he doesn't know who to believe or trust. Boys want to love and trust their mama- but some mothers can't stop themselves from trashing their ex-husband to their kids. If that's what's happening then that is not this boy's fault.

Did your husband have a close relationship with his son BEFORE they split up? Because if he did, that should make it easier for things now. But if they didn't and you are trying to create that whole relationship with only every other weekend to visit, that is MUCH harder and it isn't going to happen right away.

3) You are obviously a concerned stepmom and want your husband to be happy and want him to have a relationship with his son. Good for you! But it sounds to me like first off, your husband has to really work on this one-on-one.

I understand that you want your children to be comfortable together. But right now, it just sounds like this boy NEEDS his daddy. He needs to get to know him and have his full attention when he is visiting with you.

I don't think he needs fancy trips or expensive family outings. He can have family dinner with you all and see a movie or go to the park and play catch or basketball with your son and his dad. But most of all, he and his dad need to be alone to talk. It can take boys and grown men a LONG time to say stuff- but it is important stuff that NEEDS to be said.

This might sound crazy, but does your husband like to go fishing?? I know my dad and brother spent a lot of quiet time together, just hanging out with some fishing poles and sometimes my brother would start to talk to my dad out of sheer boredom, lol! But it really made them closer.

your husband MUST be the grown up here though, and take the lead. Talk to him about it- help him come up with some questions for his son about how he feels and ways to explain why he made the choices he did. Your husband needs to stop feeling the 'disrespect' so much and start BUILDING a relationship with his son.

Another idea is does your church or community center have a father/son group or something like that? They need some time and things that only THEY do. The rest of your family will all get used to him and vice-versa in time. Right now the father/son relationship is the biggest issue to tackle.

4)If he says he doesn't want to come- sorry, it isn't an option. You need to be polite but firm with him.

I would absolutely NOT say 'too bad, the court says you HAVE to come"! That just makes it sound like you are only making an effort because the law is making you!!
At age 11 he is testing his boundaries, probably trying to see if his dad REALLY wants him to come, or if you and his father will just give up and not really care if he comes or not. Make it CLEAR to him that you do want him to come and he is part of the family. Tell him that even though families change and people might get mad at each other, etc. they are STILL FAMILY, no matter what.

5)Again, when he comes to see you, I would not do anything different or extra super special. It might be fun- but then he just feels like a guest and not a family member. If your son has chores, have your stepson help with them when he is there. Make sure you all sit down to the table TOGETHER for meals. If your son has a ball game, the WHOLE family goes to watch and support him, etc. Treat your stepson just as you would treat your own.

If he hassles you or refuses, sit him down. Be polite and firm and tell him,
"I understand that you are not happy with your dad right now and you guys need to work on that. I understand that things are not just the way you want them to be, but sometimes life is just like that and we need to work together and just get on with it. Families don't always agree about things, but we ARE your family and you are ours. When you are with us, you will do all of the things this family does. I am not your mother, but I care about you and I want what is best for our WHOLE family- including you. But you have to do your part and obey our rules and make an effort when you're here."

Just be kind and firm and keep repeating that mantra. You need to be patient- but most of all, your husband and his son need to bond and figure out their relationship now and how its going to work. This kid is acting this way because he is angry and unhappy. Your husband needs to be THE DAD and help him figure things out.

Like I said, you are good stepmama because you care enough to try and work on this. Just keep being patient and firm- just like you would with your own son! good luck and God bless!

That's a long trip for every other weekend. Maybe once a month the Dad can go visit his son, instead of the son coming to visit you all. Also, not saying that everyone in your family is not important .... But it is most important in my opinion that his father make time for his son.

Well, first off, you tell him that the court says he has to come.............and make him..........then don't allow him to behave in a bad manner.......Is his Mothers doing this maybe? Telling him things? I think you should take him in the summer and let him live with you for a few months.......if that is possible...........maybe he doesn't feel comfortable, who knows...........

Here's what I would suggest, have your husband, go to where he lives, and spend a day there with him alone............see how that goes..........then the next time, you all go and spend a day............then maybe he will be more likely to come up there.......are there kids in the neighborhood he can play with at your home?
The other solution is to tell him fine, if he doesn't want to be part of Dad's life, then that is fine.....and stop calling him or taking him.......maybe he's doing this for control.....if you take away the control., then he can't do it anymore..............
Is he mad at your husband for the divorce? I think your husband needs to have a good talk with his kid............find out what is going on in his head......sometimes men seem to think that the kids will just know or have it figured out, and that's not usually true.....and if his Mom is saying things, it's time to find out....

Good Luck, raising others kids isn't easy.....I know, I raised two and lived with us!
Take care.

Its unfortunate but kids of this age get it in their heads that they can do what they want. You have to take into consideration what his mother is telling him as well. I know your unhappy about the situation but I would leave it be until he's ready to turn around. My son who at the time was 14 had it out with his biological father. They didn't speak for 10yrs and now they are back together again. When children are separated by parents they sometimes feel its their fault or like I said its the mother who's telling him not to go. Its' a shame because hes' missing out alot but believe me he will turn around. You have your own little family right now, leave it at that and wait for him. He will change, just give him that space. Its not easy I know, as it wasn't for me but in time it will work out. Something will take place with his mother and he will be calling his father. They think the grass is greener on the other side and their is nothing we as parents can do. I wish you lots of luck and I hope it does't take him long to turn around. You have my best wishes at heart!!
Remember you tried, your husband tried, you can do no more until he's ready!

Whatever you do, have your husband "reserve" this time for his son, no matter where they spend it. Do not think of yourself and your kids and your desire to have your whole family together right now. It is good of you to want him included and to have this goal, but an 11 year old boy does not necessarily care.

It almost sounds a tiny bit like when he disappoints this plan of yours and your husband's, he gets blamed for mistreating people and being difficult. You didn't mention any other way in which he mistreats his dad other than "making excuses" and not "respecting him by coming to see him". Showing respect by visiting parents when you don't feel like it is more of an adult behavior.

This phase will pass. Keep focused on father and son. On the weekends he doesn't want to come, have dad tell him he really wanted to spend time with him, and everyone wishes they could see him, and push to an extent, but then allow him to stay home if he wants. Have dad ask his son if he can go down to visit him for an activity at some point during the weekend so his son always knows that dad wants to see him and is only respecting his sons wishes to let him stay home if he wants.

Long drive for quick visit from dad? Tough! The child did not order the divorce. If the split was more even, you could command equal respect, but every other weekend is a decision that was reached by adults to let this child's other family dominate.

Do not let him feel his father does not love him. Expensive activities are totally unnecessary when he comes. He just needs his dad's attention and a comfy peaceful place where he's welcome. Don't feel he is a bad kid or "hassle" because he didn't appreciate the money spent on grand activities you guys chose. Forgiving an 11 year old child who hardly ever sees his dad numerous times is your moral responsibility as parents, not a huge favor. I'm not saying to spoil him, but you definitely sound very annoyed with him as a person.

I think you should respect him and do things on his terms for now. He needs to behave well when he's with you guys, but shouldn't be forced to come. If he doesn't feel pressured to come there, he will still want to sometimes. If the relationship stays positive and loving, he'll need his dad more at other times. Whatever you do, do NOT play the "Fine, don't come then!" card and leave him alone at this age. Always be sure to offer the time. It isn't much. Every visit, no matter how small, creates a memory for them and a bridge to the next meeting.

If he does misbehave other ways making him "difficult" and "treats his dad badly" then dad should be good role model and not allow bad behavior. But remember, the child's primary care taker is his mom, so dad can't overdo it. These power struggles are common in divorce. You and your husband have to walk the high road and be patient and firm and not hold this against him.

This is a tough situation, but I am divorced with a son.
There were many times my son didn't want to go with his dad and it had nothing to do with loving him or respecting him. He was invited to a birthday party or it just so happened relatives would be in town that weekend. Or, he was sick or exhausted and just didn't want to go.
His dad ALWAYS gave him a bad time, guilt trip, flashed the court orders for him to read, and it got to the point where my son went out of obligation and nothing more. He loved his dad, still does, but so many times his dad would come get him, burning up with a fever and throwing up because the court orders said.......
It might seem inconvenient, but maybe on your husband's weekend, instead of insisting that the boy come to you, your husband could go to him.
I'm not saying to cave into him, but we're talking 2 weekends a month and maybe your husband can go spend a day in his hometown and take some interest in having some one on one time to discuss things on a very low key level about why he doesn't always want to come every other weekend.
I know my son felt so dragged around all the time. His dad felt that they had to go go go all the time, every single minute and my son cried every Sunday night when he came home because he was so exhausted and then school started early the next morning for a whole entire week. It was too much for him. And on my weekends, all the kid wanted to do was sleep. No alarm clock, no having to go anywhere. Just stay home and rest.
I'm not saying you've done this, but I know that some parents feel they have to roll out the red carpet and spend tons of money when they have a kid on the weekend, and that's not really what kids want. Being at home, going for walks, cooking together, playing board games...just normal family stuff. Kids are smart and if they think you're trying to buy their love, one of two things will happen. They either resent it or they'll up the expectations until it's completely out of control and nothing is good enough.

Some may disagree with me, but I think your husband going to his son a time or two and getting to the bottom of why the weekends are so important to him, as a father, might help his son open up to why he gets it in his head he doesn't want to come to stay with you. Your husband needs to find a way to connect with his son.
It's hard to tell from your post how long this has actually been a problem, but it's certainly something that needs to get worked out.
If the son won't come to the dad, the dad can go to the son, but I wouldn't threaten about the court orders because that could backfire. If the mom is behind this, and I'm not saying she is, you want to think carefully about how far court orders can be enforced or even changed with a child that isn't wanting to go to his dad's. It might not even be a matter of him not wanting to go. Maybe it's just the logistics. Which is why your husband needs to have a heart to heart with his son. He may feel he isn't necessary anymore because his dad has another family. He may feel that he has no part in his dad's life separate from every other weekend with other people. You never know what's in the mind of an 11 year old. Until you ask.
I just know that blending families and sharing children is really hard and he may have picked up on the "hassle" thing. You say you've forgiven the child.
Just mean it. And forgive him a few more times if you have to.

I agree your husband should visit him, afterall your son didn't sign on for the whole dad living 86 miles away, i'm sure there is resentment there that your child gets to be with his dad all the time, and even when he does visit he has to share his time with kids that get to see him all the time. I would think he should be connecting with his son alone atleast part of the time, so his attention isn't spread and is J. on him, and the fact that he chose to live so far away, if at all possible I would try and move closer, and if not have the dad visit him sometimes, it must be tough, we may be going through it soon, and I see how it tears kids apart, and we expect them to adjust and not have issues long term, but they do. Also I had a bunch of friends with split parents and at this age they all stopped having contact with their dad, mostly b/c at this age kids don't hang arround parents that much and wanted to be with friends, so leaving to go hours away to not have anyone to hang out with was not appealing. Maybe the dad should visit down there and try and be involved in his child's life, instead of the child being involved in his dads. I wish you the best. I'm sure you will all be happy together in time.