Step-parent Advice

HI CC,
I am also a step mom. Although i did not marry my husband untill his daughter was 11 i have been in her life since she was 8.
I think what i did to relate to my step daughter was to find something that we both liked. I started there and just went with it. If you make one little connection someplace then that will be the seed in the ground. you just have to keep watering it so it will grow.
Please contact me anytime. I would love to talk to you.
Take care
B.

Dear C C,
First of all, congratulations on expecting your first baby! Yay! How exciting for you.
I am a step-mom to 4 absolutely amazing girls! My husband had physical custody of them when we met, 13 years ago! (Almost 14 years ago) Over the years we have had our little (and sometimes big) issues as these young women grew up.
I L O V E these girls! I am "Mama C" to them.
Their mom, unfortunately, moved out of state and so she could not see them as often as other parents might visit their children. The girls needed a mother and so God sent me. Of this I am sure!
We are placed where we are needed most and you must have some wonderful qualities to pass on to this little precious person
or you would not be there.
When you have your baby, you will be over come with such a love...I can't even explain it to you.
When this happens to you, imagine a little person not having this love from someone. Be that someone for your step daughter. She will and does need you. Don't be afraid to love her and be her mom. She is 4! She has been walking around outside her mother's body for only 4 years. She is still fresh from God.
I bet she would cuddle up to you and hug you and love you so much. You will be her mother in every way except that she didn't grow in your womb. She will grow in your heart.
Feel free to contact me at any time for moral support!
By the way, I have 3 children of my own and my husband has the 4 girls and now we have 3 grand children and one on the way!
My 4 step-daughters are now 27 years, 24 years, 22 years, and 18 years old. (Our 18 year old is graduating from high school in June!) We are done!!!!!!! Success!

Blessings to you! You will have an amazing journey!
C. K

I'm a step mom. When we married, my husbands daughter was 8 and very loving. Over the years, her mother has had quite an influence on her and now our relationship is simply cordial. We also now have a 5 yo daughter and she really looks up to her older sister. (I don't say "half"). If your step-daughter's mom is not really in the picture, you need to look deep into your heart for the love you need to give this little girl. It's not her fault and she really needs a "mom" so please, think of how she must feel. For me, it's been a long road and so wish my step-daughter would just let me give her a hug once in a while. Even telling her "i love you" elicits a response of disgust. She makes hard for me. But I love my husband and know that she will be 18 in a year and off to college. Your road is longer.
I wish you the best of luck.
M

In my experience step parents get a bad reputation. I think you should remember how it was for you having a step parent and your relationship with them. As the 4 year old gets older she will notice if she istreated differently then your biological child, so I would recommend that you treat her as if she were yours. You chose to be with her father and the baggage he brought with him. Unfortunately, you have to make up for her mothers mistakes, its not fair to you, but its not fair to the child either. I truly believe when you decide to be with someone who has children you need to build a relationship with them as well. One that is loving and healthy.

I also want to comment on what you stated about her personality "I also struggle to like aspects of her personality" I have 4 children who have totally different personalities and I struggle with theirs and they are my own, so this is normal. Just do the best you can, treat her like your own and she will love you for that. Whatever you do, don't make her feel like a step child. She will already have a hard time, if the mom is not consistent, so be there for her, support her and love her.

My husband had a step father and he was more in competition for his mothers attention. This man treated him horribly which resulted in my husband being a juvenile delinquent. I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that as adults we are responsible for the well being of children and have to give them best life possible. Parenting is by far the hardest job and raising someone else's child is even harder, in my opinion. Hope this helps.

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I truly feel that you really need to stop being selfish and not think about your feelings...and remember that this is a 4-year old who doesn't know any better and deserves the same level of love from you as you would give to your new baby. It should not be about blood being thicker than water. when I say love, i really don't just mean the affectionate part alone, but also the genuine care and concern that comes from a parent who truly care for the well-being of a child, which also includes rearing them in the right so that you are helping to steer this child in a direction that would help her be a successful adult. Being genuinely concern about her future as much as you would be concern about your own baby. Because in the end, you are her mother now. Shouldn't any mother feel this way about their child? She's not just his child.., she's yours too, now. Do not see her as someone else's child that you are helping to raise. Do not look at yourself as a step-mom, but a MOM. As long as you continue to label yourself as step-mom, you will continue to keep this wall of separation between you and her. She did not ask for this life, she is simply placed in it due to the circumstances that were beyond her control. Remember, you are not a part of 2 separate families (i.e. Her father and Her, then You, Him and your New Baby). You guys are supposed to be ONE complete family.
I am genuinely concern for this little girl. I fear that she will be raised in a home where she is emotionally disconnected or left-out of the "family circle" because she's from a different marriage. It would not be fair.

I am in a very similar situation. My partner had raised his daughter alone since she was 3. I entered the picture when she was 5 and quickly became "Mom." When she was 7, I gave birth to our son, who is now 1 1/2. I'm now pregnant with #2 or #3, depending on how you look at it. Two years ago, I would have thought that I'd see "the next one" as my second child, but I honestly see her as my third. It takes time, but you WILL feel like a normal mom sooner rather than later!
There have been bumps in this road, but there are also many blessings. First, you don't have a meddling ex to deal with - that's a bonus right there!
Here are some observations I've come to recognize through this journey:
1. If this relationship and family is going to work, you need to begin thinking of her as your daughter in every instance. I used to say "his daughter" both out loud to others and to myself. But unless you want to be "his wife" instead of Mom, you must change this mindset. Get rid of the word "Step" if your goal is "real Mom." It takes time.
2. It's funny how we expect our children to have personalities similar and/or complementary to our own - but biology doesn't dictate this! You might recognize that you, in fact, have more in common with your daughter than you do with your biological child. Even if this isn't the case, embrace similar likes and interests. Build off of those. We recognized early on that Kati and I both loved books. That's what kept us talking and interacting during the ackward transition between "Dad's girlfriend" and Mom - and beyond.
3. See this new baby as a special tie that will bind all of you together. When I had a hard time feeling true, mommy-like affection for Kati, I reminded myself that this wasn't just my partner's child but my beloved son's sister. She calls you Mom and your new baby won't see a difference between her position and theirs - unless you make it obvious. Because of the age difference, there's a good chance your bio baby will really adore/admire Big Sis. Take his/her cue and celebrate her skills as Big Sis. You'll love and appreciate her more - especially when she's helping around the house (even fetching diapers is a blessing!).
4. I might get flack for this one, but when in doubt, fake it. It won't be a theatre performance for long. Sometimes, especially when you are caught up over the excitement of bio baby, it's hard to channel that energy into your not-so-concrete relationship with your partner's (and your!) child. This means listening with a smile to silly stories when you'd rather be checking out your baby registry or napping. It means saying "I love you" before bed even when she's tried your nerves all day and you aren't really sure right then if you mean it. I promise you this - if someone threatened her safety tomorrow, you'd fight to your last breath to protect her. Just because you don't have that giddy, "I am so ridiculously in love with you" feeling that you'll have for your bio baby (at first - before they start the Terrible Twos!" :) )doesn't mean you don't love her deep down. This is OK for you to know - but it's not OK for her to know. Your love needs to "seem" unconditional (like I said, it probably already is, but doesn't present itself in a way you would presume "normal" motherhood to feel).
5. Remember that this wasn't a walk in the park for her, either. She had Dad to herself, but it sounds like she's doing a great job "sharing." There have been several times where I was ridiculously ashamed of myself because my/our 5 year old was doing a better job accepting/loving me than I was of accepting/loving her. Put yourself in her position: a little girl w/o a "real" mommy who now has a Mom - and a "real" baby on the way! This is a scary position for a child; even if she seems excited there must be a tad of aprehension for her there. Empathize with this and turn that empathy into affection, whether through kind words or hugs.
6. Make your investment "real" now. If you have a self-preserving bone in your body, know that you do not want to have a battle of Me Versus The New Baby on your hands while "dealing" with the exhaustion/hormones that come with newborns. Special cuddle time, just-you-and-me activities and a real effort to connect through play/conversation will build a stronger relationship - one that can stand up to the test of what's to come.
7. Having other kids actually makes this easier (or can). Your Mommy instincts will really kick in when you have your bio baby, and feeling like a "normal mom" will be much more natural.
8. Give it time. As long as you allow your heart to remain open, this relationship will grow. A year from now, you'll feel more acclimated with her; three years from now, you will see her for what she truly is: A blessing from God! And more importantly - you'll see her first as "your/our" daughter, and not "his." When you get there - and you can! - life will seem much easier.
I wish you the best of luck!

I've been a step parent for 14 years and the best advice is to love you step daughter unconditionally. You are very fortunate that you are her full time step parent. Take advandtage and make her feel how loved she is. I have 3 of my own children and the feelings are different but never tell your step child that or the father. Thats something you should keep to your self.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.....PERIOD I am a step child as is my DH he is also a "step" parent to my oldest child and we just recently had a new baby girl....For both me and my dear hubby if you ask us who our real moms are we would both tell you its the step mom who loved us, raised us desiplined us went to our games and never treated us like we werent their own children. My older siblings loved my father as much as their own. Then most importantly my husband even though he has his first child NEVER treats my son any different than he does his own child. They are children and never chose the path in life we have given them. As far as personality goes there is things about my own child that just drives me nuts, but guess what I still love him unconditionally, it okay that our kids have quirks that drive us nuts that what they do.

The difference is what we do with the things. You are in such a special place with such a young and im sure beautiful little girl to be a Mom to her and a positive impact in her life. Sometimes when the children are older there can be tension and troubles that put a straign on a marriage and take time to work out. You dont have all that you have a little girl who looks to you as MOM period embrace that, charish that love and trust that she gives you because its a love and trust she will never give another person in her life. Any real issues with the relationship and how things work out will ultimatly be yours, the issues will be yours, the success or failure between you to will be yours. Shes a child and a young one at that she will grow to treat you exactly how your actions and attitudes teach her to treat you take the "step" outta the picture she your dauter and your her mom thats it. Or the end result will be a wall and division between the two of and possible a feeling by her of not being a full part of the family. How horrible would that be for that child? And ultimatly that would have been your choice not hers.

Darlin ~ My advice to you is simple. Put yourself in her shoes. Truly think about how much your love for her is so important to her life. If you "fake" being her "real" mom then in a short time you will no longer feel as the fake step-mom. If you find your self not caring as much as you would like then stop, close your eyes and think how much this little person needs you to be just as loving to her as you would be and will be to your real baby. Every thing you do as a paretn (step or not) will effect a childs life FOREVER. Build great bonds with her, let her help you fix dinner. Have her pick out a book for you to read to her, let her help pick out the stuff for the baby's new room, and some out-fits for the baby. You can do this... I know this because you are showing concern for it, and this shows that you have a heart able to do it right. Best of luck to you.

I have been a step-parent since my step-daughter was 5. She has a mom (who she lives with). My husband became a step-parent to my two, who didn't have a father in their lives. His ordeal much easier than my own. He later adopted my two - and they don't remember anyone else ever. They know, but...my husband is their Daddy. I however am T.. I struggled at first because I needed to feel her out. She was very different from my two. She was prone to fits, picky eating, etc...We struggled for about the first two years. After that, she realized I wasn't going anywhere and for the most part, we are close. As far as opening yourself up - your bio-child/ren, will also have personality issues with you (guarenteed) at sometime in their lives. You need to let your heart grow to accept the way she is, and know that how you are with her is growing her too! She will inevitably grow into a person/mother emulating her role models - you and her Daddy. I know it isn't easy, but, when my step-daughter was in the 3rd grade, she brought me a mother's day present she made in class. I told her she should have given it to her mom....she said that she made her mom something else. I cried. I love homemade kid gifts!! They are the best :] It will workout. Just as our love is able to grow when we have more than one bio-child, so too will your love grow after you have your child along with your step-daughter. Sometimes, the effort is greater to not treat yours differently, but she deserves it and your bio-child will notice if you treat her differently too! Good luck & God Bless You!

I'm sure that you will get lots of response from this issue, there are lots of moms in your type of situation I imagine. I am also a step-parent, and expecting one of my own this August. My step-daughter is 10, and I have been involved in her life since she was 3. My husband and I have part-time custody, so a little different from what you are going through. I can tell you that being a step-parent is the hardest role I have every had to fill. There is no "how to be a good step-parent" guidebook! Most people expect us to be mean and awful, and badmouth the bio parents. You sound like me, in that I never want to be that negative person that my stepdaughter can't talk to, or open up to. Try to remember that no child can have too many people who care about them, and I'm sure your step-daughter is in that situation. She probably is nervous about how a new baby will change things around the house (mine is) and if she will still be as important to you and her dad. I am trying to include mine in this process, decorating the baby's room, picking out names, etc, to remind her she's going to be a big sister. Try to stay positive, and keep your head up! You are in that girl's life for a reason.

Hi,

I'm not a step-parent but had a step-dad at about age 4 who essentially became my dad, adopted me when I was 8, and is the only father I have ever known. My parents then had my brother when I was eight and I always sensed a slight difference growing up. In some ways, my dad was harsher on me, but a better overall disciplinarian who taught me responsibility, a hard work ethic, and kept me out of trouble so I could go to college. We did butt heads a lot and there were times when our relationship was not great. Overall, though, I think most people have ups and downs with even their bio-parents and now as a parent myself, I have a great relationship with my dad and he is a great grandpa to my kids. I would say that there are aspects of my own children's personalities that I don't like, and have to find ways to deal with them either through social support or new parenting strategies. I once asked my dad why he decided to take on being my dad and what he said made an impression on me. It was something like, "Seeing a true need and knowing that I could be the one to fill it." I have never missed by bio-dad, because I feel like my dad is my dad. In fact, I've never called him my step-dad and he doesn't even like people to know that he's not my dad because to him I am his daughter and that's it. I guess I think you might have to clarify your role first and maybe talk to your husband about it to give you some direction in exactly what degree of mothering you need to sign up for. She is definitely looking for mothering, I'm sure.

i think you are doing the best that you can with this little girl your stepchild. it is not easy being a mother. maybe you are struggling with the issue since you are pregnant, that now you will be having a child of your own. but never the less belive me when your baby is born the love of a mother is so awesome that you will be able to share with both children. just seeing the joy in your own child as you care for her will remind you that this little four year old is also in need of you her mommy that has alway been at her side due to the fact her real mother has not given her any stability. GOD PUT THIS LITTLE ONE IN YOUR LIFE CAUSE HE KNOWS YOU CAN HANDLE HIS CALLING FOR YOUR LIFE.

Hi CC,
I am a full time step parent too. I have two boys that we have full custody of too. I have 3 older daughters and this is a second family for me. One boy is 12 and the other is 10 and autistic.
I was a step child as well. My daughters father passed away when they were young (3, 5 and 7) and we went through the trials of trying to blend someone into our lives so I have a unique perspective. What I have tried to do is treat the boys as my own and give them what I felt wasn't passed on to me. I always felt like the odd man out growing up. I had a step sister and brother as well as a half sister and full siblings too. This didn't stop me from feeling like the 5th wheel in our home. I didn't want our boys to feel like they were burdens to me. It isn't their fault they are in this situation.
You have a unique opportunity to help her through a really difficult road. Kids look for stability, they gravitate to it. Be that stability for her. They also sense if you treat them different than your own and this can be just as devastating as her mom's instability is to her life. So include her in this new babies birth as much as you can, make her the wise older sister who has so much to teach her new sibling. Pull her in, embrace her. When she grows up, she'll love and respect you because you did. So will your husband if he knows what he has. She really needs you just as much as the child you are carrying. She's been brought into your life for a reason, embrace it.
My daughter now has a step daughter too and one of her own. This has been highly successful in helping her feel a part of the family and a part of her brother. They get along wonderfully, no one can make him laugh like she does. They are siblings and you want them to love each other and not resent one another. If she senses she is not loved the same way, she'll resent him because of it. Heal the wound that is in her, love her unconditionally as if she were yours.

Wow, what a challenge. I don't judge and I don't relate; however, I do, often, think of being in that position. I am a single mother of 3 and am dating someone with his own children. He also has full custody of his teenage boys. I wonder on how I would deal with the same emotions you are dealing with and I also wonder how an outsider will be able to love my children as his own. I know that it is possible.

My x-husband's dad is his step dad and was always an incredible and vital part of their lives. He made sure they knew he was dad. It is sad that a parent opts to step out of a child's life. However, in your situation it may be for the best, giving you and your daughter the time to bond and grow to know one another.

Love her as your own. Put out of your mind the "step" mentality. Of course, this is easier said then done. Nevertheless, it is possible. I have seen it happen in that house hold. They were a tight unit. If you have the support of your husband to be mom, then delete the "step" out of it and just become mom all the way. So, many others are doing it today. You can also, just give it time.

I am a Christian so I know nothing else but to include His word. And, in the Bible it states that for those of us who receive Him, He adopts into His family. If God could adopt us and consider us one of His own; then so can we. How? Because we were created in His image. Seek Him out and He will help you.

Just love her as ur own. U r still the mom and she will look up to u as her mom. Especially if ur around all the time and mom ain't. It will mean alot to her when she gets older. Trust me they remember who is there and who is not. As for her being daddys 1st. He is always going to treat her differently. She just might get spoiled by him and know how to get her way with him. If u have problems with this now or after the baby arrives u and ur husband need to sit down and talk. Communication is important. Trust ur feelings.

Hi C.C
First let me say, that I truely believe you recieved some wonderful responses. Please take them to heart.The only experience,that I can offer,is that I am a step mom as well. My stepdaughter was four years old,when her father and I began to date. I had two darlin sons of my own,and She had a caring mother,so she wasn't in need of a mother figure like your stepdaughter,but I must say..(She is the daughter I never had.She welcomed me into her heart,at an early age,and I love her as my own to this day. She is now 32,and graciously shares with us, a beautiful Grandaughter.Try to remember,that this little girl,is a big part of the Man you love,and are going to have another child with.It sounds like,you were hurt tremendously by your experiences growing up. This little girl (has) missed having a mother.Imagine the positive impact you could make on this little girls life. Try to put your past behind you,and move forward.This is your chance,to shine...It is the ideal opportunity,to make a difference,and feel proud of the woman you've become.The best to you,and your new family : )

Write the terms step-mom and step-daughter on a piece of paper and burn it! I am a step-mom and may I say first that I believe the best way to feel like a "normal" mom is for you to raise her without each of you using the term "step". It's a legal term, not an affectionate term. You have chosen to marry a man with a daughter and are taking on the role of a true mom so there is no need to refer to her as a step child...unless you want her to FEEL like the traditional "step" child. Remember Cinderella? Your daughter is young enough so that you can bond with her & allow her to grow up not knowing the feeling of any better mom than yourself. She didn't choose you...you chose her when you chose her dad. Fall in love with her. Feel the pride of being her mom and calling her your own. Look at her baby album & baby book. If she doen't have any (since her mom isn't involved), make some. Ask your husband & his family questions about her birth and all the days of her life you missed. You don't have to try to replace her mother, just be her mom. I assure you, she has enough love in her to share with both of you and she'll be able to appreciate each of you in the way you each deserve. Are you religious? I'm sorry for suggesting this is you are not, but if you are, teach her to pray for her mother so that she will become a better person, but teach her to love her mother any way. Also pray with her in thanks that no matter what the situation is that she has with her mother, you have each other and always will. I understand that you are expecting your first BABY, but remember you already have a DAUGHTER. Commit yourself to not allowing her to ever know the feeling of being unwanted...even if you understand that her mother doesn't want her...don't let her know that feeling. If you stop telling yourself her dad loves her more than you do and commit yourself to loving her the way you love your baby, you will be a "normal" mom. When it gets tough, seek strength & encouragement from your husband and his family. And one day, it will all fall into place and your relationship will be so natural, people who don't know that you are "step" mom & daughter will probably tell you that she resembles you...maybe personality, laugh or facial expressions. I hope you have the will to be all that she needs you to be.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Trust me, you're going to struggle with aspects of your own child's personality that you might not be to crazy about. I strongly suggest you get some good therapy and parenting assistance. Good luck!

Loving this child and being a TRUE parent is a choice not an emotion. Perhaps not looking at her as a step child but as a gift from her father would help. I recieved such a gift of a 10 yr old girl and she could not be more mine. Love is not as much of an emotion as it is a choice to do and be what that other person needs. You can not hide your ambivelance from this child. If you don't really want her she already knows. If you place your TRUE child above her you will create a horrible problem. Embrace her and see no difference, or create a sorrow that lasts a lifetime. She will work to please you as she sees you as her mother. If she feels like a step child.......... My family does not look at my Lisa as a TRUE child and they have missed out on a wonderful woman.

Hi,
My husband met my daughter when she was 5 years old, I am really blessed because he treated her just like his own. When I got pregnant with our son, my husband & I made sure that my daughter was involved with anything to do with the baby to avoid jealousy and sibling rivalry. I had her help me decorate the baby room, We took her with us when I had my ultrasound and to the hospital when I had the baby, my husband made sure that she brought a gift for the baby. She needs the love that she's not getting from her real mom, she's a girl and she needs a girly guidance that her daddy can't give her. If you do show her the love, she'll love you in return.

Hi CC
I can relate to being a step-mom, however, my step daughter was much older, she was 17 and definitely a daddy's girl. I never tried to be her mom-who was deceased. But I tried to be an adult-friend. The main component is your husband and how he unites the family, as he is link between the two of you. She is only 4, so you have some time to develop a relationship. Treat her like you would treat your own bio child and I believe the love will blossom. Keep in mind, as she is acting like a typical 4 year old and you are pregnant, your emotions and moods are being affected,as well as your thoughts. Just try to be calm, for your sake as well as hers. Do some fun things with her to build your bond, like coloring, putting a puzzle together, etc and preparing her for her new sibling.
Don't anticipate the struggle you may have being a step-parent but focus on building the bond. You do have the experience of having stepparents yourself, so reflect on your thoughts that you had as a kid, and avoid those pitfalls as the stepparent.

Good Luck
S. C.

Hi... I haven't read any of your responses yet so apologies if I'm restating the same information.

I am going to tell you something and it is coming from a person who has been a step-child, a step-mother, and an adoptive mother:
You have to accept this child into your heart and into your mind as your own. If you want to feel love for her the "same as her dad" then you have to choose to be her mother.

You feel as though she isn't yours because you didn't give birth. But you have already made a commitment to her when you married her father. Now you have to accept the choice you made. Stop calling her a step, and just call her your daughter. If she doesn't call you mommy now, have a chat and tell her that if she'd like to, she can, and that it's up to her to do so when she's ready, but in the meantime you love her and you think of her as your daughter and that's how you intend to refer to her.

I have 3 kids. My middle child, is a boy who's 19. I had him early, and by myself. I have a daughter who's 3-1/2, that I had with my current husband. My oldest child is 20. He came into my life when he was 16, as the friend of my son. He was in a very dysfunctional home environment and eventually just stayed with us. I can tell you honestly that I love them all the same. (ok, so the 3 yr old is much easier to love right now than the teenage boys, but give her time, she'll get difficult too in another decade) Our situation wasn't solidified with the oldest right away. There was always the fear that he would have to go back to his bio parents. But it never came to fruition and he's been with us since. Even through crises, punishments, graduation, moves... we committed to him and he committed to us and THAT is what made him mine. I feel so lucky to have him, too, because he's growing into such a fine young man, showing responsibility and making good choices and I know that I had something to do with that.

I have a friend who married young. Her husband had a child with another woman prior to that. The child's bio-mom had a drug issue and was not involved. My friend accepted this child as hers, eventually adopting him and making it legal. A few years later they divorced. She kept the child, getting full legal custody and the dad became a bit of a flake, going months without seeing the boy. But it doesn't matter, because he's with his mom.

Biology doesn't determine who is a parent. Love does that. Accept her into your heart and you will feel all the "normal mom" stuff blossom bigger than you can ever imagine.

wow this is a hot topic, everybody is providing kind and helpful advice.... I would only add that you try to understand that your feelings are going to be different toward your own biological child, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just always do right by the child and when she is grown she will have the greatest respect for you just for doing that.

Hi CC,

I don't have any "advice" or answers for you, but I think what you're feeling is totally and completely normal. I am a step mom of a 17 year old since he was 9, and he comes to stay with us for every school break that he has, so he doesn't live with us full time, but while he's here, life revolves around him, which gets REALLY old after a month or so. I also grew up with a step dad from the age of 5, but have always had a relationship with my bio dad, and realized after my step passed away what a large role he played. I miss him tremendously and feel guilty about not realizing how important he was in my life until he was gone. Anyways, I really try to be an advocate for my step son and really try to take time to talk to him and treat him like someone who matters (not just my husband's kid... and I'm not saying that's how you're acting), and I think that has made our bond strong. My husband and I have a 2 year old son together, and at times, I feel like I'm experiencing things for the 1st time by myself since he's had prior experience, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is what our son is experiencing. And so, I have to say, that I'm sure your step daughter is having a wonderful childhood because you are in her life as her maternal role model. It's normal to feel more strongly about your own child, but I think your step daughter won't ever think of the new child as a step sibling because she's so young. Maybe that fact will help you bond with your step.

I know I'm jumping around different aspects and situations, but the bottom line is, I think you really need to wait and see what the situation brings once you have this baby. It's amazing what such a small person can do. This baby could be the glue that holds your family together.

Good luck and everything will work out. Just know that. If you'd like to chat more about step parenting, I'd be happy to. It's a learning experience for me, too!
M.

This is an easy question. You are 30 years old, a mature adult, and you are the primary caretaker of this little girl. If you don't feel the love 100% of the time, act it, play the role, and play it excellently. I am the mom of four kids, and if you think your biological child will never irritate or annoy you, you are mistaken. You have a greater responsibility to this little girl than you do to your biological child. You married her dad with the full knowledge that she was a part of the package. You obviously felt that you were up to the challenge of fully accepting and caring for this wounded child. Well, this is where the rubber meets the road. You need to stop thinking of her as your step-daughter and start thinking of her as your child's sister, Not half-sister. Sister. It might be difficult, but you voluntarily signed up for the job. Do it well, and you will reap countless benefits. Do it poorly, and you will lose much, including your own personal integrity. You can do it! I know you can. But you need to hold yourself to a constant and high standard where she is concerned. My step-mom came on the scene when I was 5, and she played it perfectly. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but she just loved the heck out of me, always tried to see things from my point of view, and most of all, she accepted me for who I was. Be that for your child's sister!!!

Hi C C !
You are an admirable and open hearted woman to share your life with another's child. I think the hardest thing is to be able to 'take charge' without feeling guilty when you need to discipline and lead. But lead you must. Like you said - this is YOUR job now! So don't be afraid, love will lead the way! The word Discipiline means "child training". Children who are not disciplined don't feel loved, so begin to take ownership over the situation, with love, and you'll do fine, I'm sure. You are great to care.
There are some great tips at:
http://www.gomommygo.com/consequenses.html#motivation
agout how to balance love and limits. I'm sure she wants your approval, too. If she learns what you want for her, she'll find out how to please YOU! And that will make BOTH of you happy. There's a behavior chart info here:
http://www.gomommygo.com/thankdontspank.html
that makes it like a game to learn how to do the right thing, and fun for both of you to relate together as you play the game of making the chart work! It worked great for my kids to know what was expected of them.
Blessings to you!
R.

Hi CC!

I had a divorce when my son was 6 and remarried to a wonderful man that poured himself into my son and made him the fine man he is today - well I counted too! The secret is to love and not see a difference. If you are concerned about the STEP situation - she will feel it. When her mom come in and out, if you are consistent, she willknow who the real mom is! My son did for his bio dad was no there for him but my 2nd hubby sure was! When your new baby comes, she will preceive it as her sibling 100%. Don't teach her any difference! Kids can sense everything so be honest and hug, love and teach her well so she can be a loving individual and fine mom like you when she grows up!

T. Rainey
Warm Spirit
Wellness Coach
www.warmspirit.org/wellbody

CC...

You have received wonderful responses thus far. Let me say that not only an I a product of a step family (my mother married when I was 12), but I married when my oldest daughter was 7 (she's 13 now), so I am still in a step parenting situaiton. My husband and my daughter had a hard time getting to that place of a "true" father-daughter relationship. What I truly believe helped was prayer (I am a Christian), speaking the Word over their lives, spending time with one another, communication, his committment to his family (including to her)....and his NOT seeing her as his "stepchild". My husband and I have "children"...that's it...just chldren. There are no "steps" in this family. With this mentality, it made things much easier for everyone involved. My husband and I also have a 5 year old now, and I was definitely concerned that he would view her differently since she was his "blood". But again...since the mentality was that there were no "stepchildren" to begin with...the transition was a little bit smoother.

Since your daughter's "biological" mother isn't around..you are definitely "mommy" so therefore...don't look at her as a stepdaughter...look at her at YOUR daugher and the big sister (as she will be) to the new addition in your family. Spend lots of time with her and prepare her for her new role. Give her plenty of hugs and kisses...helping her understand that her place in your family and heart is secured!

Lastly...all of our children have traits that we as parents don't like sometimes....that's normal. So don't beat yourself up if you see things in your daughter taht you may not like. That's not a step parent issue...just a parenting one. There is enough love in you for BOTH children. You are a very blessed woman.

Praying for the best for you and your family.

S. V.
www.dreamplanters.com

Hi C C,

I am not in your position but as a stay at home Mom of two small kids, I can tell you that it is hard to like your kids personalities sometimes even when they are your own. This other lady just gave birth to her but it sounds like you are her Mom. Being a Mom is a huge sacrifice and can very difficult sometimes. I really give you credit for taking on this child before you had even had your own. You are doing a great thing and she will love you for it. Kids need boundries and when a child is only 4 they need strong parents....especially a strong mother. Hang in there...you are doing a great job. Try to not think of her as someone elses child. You are doing the work and taking care of her....YOU are her Mom. Good luck to you!

Being a step parent is hard. My husband and I married when his son was 4 yrs old. The mother has had custody most of the time, but it is still a trial at times to my stepsons attitude. I know some people have an instant connection with their step children, but not everyone does and in some cases the child hears things about the step parent from their mom or grandparents that make it confusing for them. You will most likely have a different love for you 1st baby than you do for your step daughter and that's okay. You may be her "mother" but it's still okay to have conflicts about that. I have been in a similar situation so if you need to vent you can talk to me. Good luck.

Can I offer some advice from a mother whose husband is a step parent? And from a woman who was a child of step partentage? And from a mother whose daughter's birth father was in and out as well?

First things first...be her mother. She needs you to commit to her whole heartedly. I know you love her, or else you wouldn't be asking for help. But love her as your own. Don't give her a title like step daughter. Just let her be your daughter. Let your guard down. You love this man enough to marry him, that little girl is a part of him. Commit completely to being her parent. She needs a mom to do mom things with her. Spend time with her just the two of you. Hold her at night and tell her stories. Play dress up with her. Tell her every chance you get that you love her. If she wants to call you mom, let her. Encourage her, but don't make her. Building a relationship takes time, but she is young and she will appreciate it. Trust your heart...follow your instincts.

Be strong.

Perhaps there are some step-parenting classes, workshops or support groups you could join. Meetup.com has tons of different type of groups that get together.

My sister struggles with this as well.

I guess if I looked at it as a perspective of our daycare providers, the teachers at my children's preschools are so nice to all of the children, even though none of them are theirs. Then, if you used that as a comparison, it might be a good way to train yourself on how to raise her. As her teacher, mentor, etc. Not as her step mom.

Good luck!

Hi, I am to am the other mother, (remove step) from the equation. My husband had 2 little girls when we met one was 6 mos, and the other was 1 1/2 yrs old, I had one who was 2 yrs old. We became a family, it is difficult to step in somethimes, but if you love your husband, you must love his child. She is 4 with her own personality, you have to forget how you were with your step parents, and forget that this child has an absent mom. She needs someone to love her for her, start calling her your daughter (not step-daughter), treat her as your unborn baby's big sister, include her in like you would your own. Normal is a word that does not always fit. Because you are the adult, and you have a precious gem in your life, and you and your husband are responsible for molding her. Teach her LOVE, unconditional LOVE, let her know that she is wanted amd needed. And as you both are together longer and the new baby comes, you will eventually fell Normal. My girls are now 28, 28 & 26, I have 3 grandchildren and I am Grandma to them all.

I think that after you have your baby it will be easier to understand how your husband loves his daughter and your new baby since they are his own and it might help you to learn to love your step-daughter as your own. It is actually easier to do that and to have a closer bond when the other parent is NOT as involved in their life like you say her mother is.It is a process and takes time, but you are on the right track in realizing that you are the one this girl will look up to and respect. Just think about families that adopt, they don't have to be biological children in order to love them the same as if they were. But, do remember that if you treat the new baby differently she will feel it and her actions will reflect it and it may cause more tension in your relationship with her. Remember she is a child and did not ask to be in the situation she is in. Just love her for who she is and over time I think you guys will be just fine.

I really like Therese advice- all I would say is 1) you don't ever want her to feel in competition with your bio baby(you don't want her to take it out on the baby. Start including her in everything right now and help her feel excited about the baby.2)your bio baby's personality may not mesh perfectly with yours either-we all have to accept each one of our children. I have 2-both extremely different and I get along with one more then the other(but I don't think they know I feel that way because I have ALWAYS treated them the same and I do love then equally.3)If you can't think of her as your own,see if you can think of her as an adopted child instead of a step child because now she has been adopted into your home and will always be a part of it and parents love unconditionally their adopted children as their own.
Best of luck-make her someone special in your eyes.

I am not a step-parent, but I find parenting my own bio child difficult. I think that is just parenthood, whether you are related by blood or not. I never really bonded with my babies the way I heard people talk about, and I sometimes wish I had never become a parent, but I have these kids and I want them to feel they have a stable home with parents who love them, so I fight against that. You mentioned that you struggle to like certain aspects of her personality, I don't know that you need to like them, she just needs your love. My kids are still very young so I haven't seen that yet, but a friend of mine has an older son and we were talking about this same thing. She doesn't like everything about his personality and sometimes he drives her crazy, but she loves him. It's always nice to know that someone "likes" you as well as "loves" you, but sometimes it's also nice to be loved despite some dislike. You have a wonderful opportunity with your step-daughter to be the mother that she needs. I know that is not easy, but she is still young enough that she could see you as her mother, and possible save her from some of the hurt of having a mom who wasn't really there. My mom re-married when I was 11, I never really knew my bio dad. It took me a long time to accept my step-dad (not until adulthood), but he has been a good dad and does not refer to me (or my 4 siblings) as "step"-children. We are his children, just as much as the 2 bio children he later had with my mom. I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but I feel for you - you do not have an easy situation and I hope that you are able to find some helpful advice.

Sorry, I don't have experience in this, but I just have to say KUDOS to you!!! It takes a special person to be able to be a kind and loving step-parent, but one that stays home with the step child...I can't even imagine. That little girl is very lucky to have you in her life. You will see soon enough, after you get past your "my baby is the sweetest baby in the world" phase of your own bio child that at about age 4, there will be aspects of you OWN child's personality that you will not be fond of. (I know, my boys are 6 and 8 yikes!!) You can do this. I hope you find someone you can relate to. Best of luck to you.

I think it is great that you are concerned about the fact that you feel differently for her than you would your own child. I have no advice to give, other than to do you best to love her like your own, and not favor your birth child. My former sister in law treated my niece/her step daughter so very differently than her birth daughter (who came along about a year after she married my nrother) that it had a terrible impact on my niece. Maybe there is some sort of support group out there, or a therapist/counselor who could help. Also, I have a 4 year old daughter, and they are very moody, emotional creatures who can be infuriating - maybe when this phase passes you'll find it easier to accept her.

Congratulations on your baby-to-be. I must say being a "step-mother" myself, that you are not expecting your first child. This beautiful blessing is your second child. Your first is just your daughter from another mother. It breaks my heart to hear you say you don't love her the same as her dad. I understand. But as soon as you have your baby you will realize just how precious she is to you and that you do love her the same as her dad. Afterall she is his child and that makes her your child. Even more so because her mother is not involved. The best advice I can give is to tell you that you will not like certain aspects of personality that will come from children from your own womb either. That is a part of life. Some days are harder than others. My daughter from another mother is only with us every other weekend. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. To see your child leave and know that they aren't coming back for two weeks is horrible. What a blessing it is that you have her always to enjoy and to love. My son who is younger that my daughter got to the point he would just sit and cry pointing at her bed asking where she was? And every time we got in the car he would cry and plead to go get her not understanding that we couldn't. Your children will be together-always. Be her mother and enjoy it every moment. It will get easier. My step mother was horrible and now I have her to thank because I know that I want to be just the opposite to my daughter. I want her to look at me as her mother because I am. I may not have given birth to her but I look at her no different. I am so thankful she has you to be a stay at home mother. What a beautiful thing to be. You are her mother and she is your daughter. You will always struggle - you struggle with your own kids. Consider her a gift from God- to you.

Learn to love this precious little 4 year old "Angel" as if she were your own. God brought you together for a perfect reason, be glad and accepting of this. Open your heart and treat her as your very "own." Don't outcast her and treat her less differently. We "all" have different personalities both good and bad, but it's your job as a "mommy" to bring out the best in her. Love, cuddle, kiss, embrace and hug her unconditionally. Please learn to take the "step" and "half" out of your vocabulary. This beautiful little girl is now your "child." You are the lucky one to have been chosen to receive this precious gift (biological or not). Take care of this gift and nuture her with your all, you will be rewarded in the end.

PS. You are SUPER lucky to be able to stay at home with your 4 year old little Angel. Dad must feel that you were GOD sent and will do anything to take care of you all.

CC - I know everyone is telling you take the "step" out of your vocabulary. That is my advice too, learned the hard way. My ex-husband had a daughter when we married, her mom was in the picture, a bit too much. When my daughter was 3, he went back to her, they decided they wanted my daughter and for me to disappear from my daughter's life. Wasn't going to happen.

But in my fight to keep my daughter, I used "your dad's wife", I couldn't even use the word "stepmother". It was always your "half sister". I needed to establish the distance. I was so wrong.

My daughter, 18, loves her sister, and even her stepmother. And is so apologetic about it me it is so sad. She shouldn't have to feel bad about loving us all. I have tried to tell her it is ok, she is right, and I was wrong. That I understand, it is so hard on her, but it does no good after all this time. She will talk to me about everything, unless it involves her sister. She was thinking about moving to the state her sister lives in to go to college and couldn't discuss it with me for fear of hurting me. That is not how I want it to be. I would go back and change it if I could.

I wish I had listened to the loving people who advised me to drop the "half".

Find the love in your heart, for your husband and for your new baby and use that to find the love for your 4 year old. She needs you and her baby brother or sister will love her, fully. If you treat her different, as an outsider, you will regret it. It will divide your family.

Do you love every aspect of your husband's personality? Does he love every aspect of yours? If you are honest, the anwer will be no. There is something that drives you crazy, but you deal with it because you love him. Hard as it may seem to be, open your heart to this little girl. Loving her will take nothing away from the new baby. Don'g expect that you will love her the same, but in time who knows. And don't set a timetable, it will sneak up on you.

And realize, if you give birth to more than one child, they will each be different, be their own person. Would you love one less because one loves sports and the other loves to read?

It may take awhile for you to let her fully into your heart, but don't treat her as if she is different. Don't treat her as a "step", fake it til you make it.

And remember, it is not her fault you are in this position, and she is in a place where she needs love and reassurance. Daddy replaced Mommy, will this baby replace me?

Wishing only the best for you and your growing family.

Hi
I am a 45 year old Mom with a 25 yr old step son. I came into his life at 3 yr old. There were many issues but I never treated him any different than if he was my own. There came a time when he had to choose to call me Mom or by my name. I explained that it was ok to call me by my name or Mom but he could not call me by my name when he was angry with me. I used to say his Mom was a Disneyland Mom and only did stuff when it benefited her. It will be difficult but if you can live through it and treat your stepdaughter like yours and work on your differences with her attitude, in the long run you should win. Remember this child did not ask to be here. It is a privilage to have someone even if it sometimes feels like a chore. Keep smiling, someone put you in her life for a reason. Yah Yah1

First of all, give yourself a break. You've got a l ittle girl trying to deal with conflicting emotions & fears. & you are also full of pregnancy hormones so your emotions & fears are running rampant. What you feel is normal and lots of step-families go thru this. Try to be patient with her, she is probably conflicted about sharing you with her father, scared if she loves you what will happen to her mommy, scared she's going to be replaced by the new baby.
Start comlimenting everything she does right. Tell her what a wonderful child she is. Tell her the baby is lucky to have such a wonderful big sister. Use please & thank you when you are asking her to do something. Compliment her on her polite manners when she says please and thank you.
After that baby is born, everything will change. Your heart will grow and expand with love in ways you never knew. With that you may find a deeper understanding, compassion and patience with your step daughter when you realize how much she missed out on with an emotionally absent mother. Try to take it easy on yourself, remember nobody is perfect and there isn't a manual that comes with kids. Love them, treat them with kindness & respect and try to be forgiving when they try your patience!
You may want to try practce "parenting" with her & some dolls. Buy some newborn/preemie diapers and you can practice feeding, changing & bathing the baby. Ask for her help and advise. Tell her you are nervous about being a good mommie. Make her your ally, your friend and co-conspirator. Concentrate on the positive, set boundaries and be consistent. Make sure there are consequences for actions both positive & negative.
Make sure that munchkin is outside and getting exercise every morning and her mind is engaged in some activities/learning. The more structured her day is, the easier is will be to fit the baby intoa schedule too.
You may want to try some counseling while you are pregnant too, it really helped me and gave me some coping stratgies for some family stressors. They have counselors that specialize in step family issues too
Good luck and congratulations.

The first thing you need to do is stop calling yourself a step-parent. It implies 'not whole.' If you expect to be with your husband forever, then you will be with her forever, right? She will know if you see her as less than hers. Maybe not as much now as will be later, and it will definately affect the family.
You married into the family with her there. Accept her for who she is, and your goal as a parent is to bring out the best in her.
I've seen this too many times, and it just does not work if you put a divide between you and her.

Hi,

I was separated from my childs father early in our lives. She was 1. We were both in our early twenties so of course we went on to grow up, get married and have new families. At first he connected right away to a woman whom was very controlling and the short of the story is that for many years our situation was "ugly". Some of the best advice I received was that "blended families" take extra care but can work very well. There will be different challenges and patience is a must. ( I am also a GAL for family court and see alot of different families at work.)

I know this might sound a bit odd but getting a therapist for yourself is a crucial sound board. You need an unbiased professional in your court. You will have so many different feelings once your own child comes. Also your husband is likely to need transiition time because for a while it was his little girl and himself against the world so to speak. This I am sure has created an extra special bond. These bonds also happen with sickly children whom need extra care. It is quite normal in a situation to know that his identity is part of the first girl. A therapist can give you a voice so that when the tough situations arise ( and they will, which you have already got insight too ) they will be dealt with and as a family you will be able to move on.

There is something about single dads and daughters that create an unusual bond, it's very primitive and is hard to shake even when the situation changes. This will probably take a long while. When your child comes I suspect he will be elated and a great dad, however the first girl will have a special place and the two won't seem equal for many years. You as a parent and partner must realize this. It's a emotional/biological protective tie that must be softened over time. Later if you have another child ( and if possible as a mom I recommend 3) There will be less competitive ness between the two and 3 will balance things out. However, needless to say you are the mother of 1 right now and soon 2. Take care of your emotional health so that you can focus on the birthing process and the psychological factors involved. Chances are that you will be just fine because 1. you have already got insight which is why you are asking for advice 2. You love your family and are concerned about the blending process 3 Your concerns are absolutely reasonable and normal 4. You are also a first time mom ( pregnant wise) and we all worried about our situations in this phase no matter what they were.
Let me know if this helps. Never forget that time is on your side in this situation.

Aww C C
you don't think she can feel you only half of what you could be to her, how sad her mom isn't around or when she is she is a flake, at 4 yrs old, who could not love the sweet girl, as you said above you grew up in a step family , I think the word stp mom is what is holding you back, set that word aside, and be just mom, blessed you will be to feel the love returned, I know my hubby had a step mom , thank gawd for her she raised him just about, sorry his dad divorced this lady, 30 yrs later after my urging we found her, he brought her 3 dozen red roses, thanking her for being in his life.He told her, because of the unconditional love she gave him, he never thought of her just being a step mom it was his mom then.

I hope this works out for you

Blessings

What do I think? I think you are awesome. The fact that you even think about this is extraordinary. Most women is your place would be competing for attention with a 4-year old! Clearly you have been put in this little girl's life for a reason. The reason is to save her, teach her love, and show her that Step-Moms can be wonderful and better mothers than bio-mothers. In my book, you are the Mom, eventhough you did not give birth to her. And --you will find out in 3-4 years--that there will be aspects of your own bio-child that you won't find so attractive. Same w/your husband, or your best friend! May you be blessed a million times for mothering this little girl the way you do. I am so moved; I wish my step-mother had been half as self-aware as you are and had loved me half of what you obviously feel for this little kid. Your kindness will return to you in many ways... you will see. What a grat choice of a woman your husband made this time! A :)

Hi there C C, I too have step children, but mine are much older than your 4 year old. I am a little worried about your feelings for your step daughter. Firstly I would personally drop the 'step' bit, she is living with you full time, so you are her Mom full time. You have to give love to ALL children in your care equally, no matter if you are the natural mother or not. This little girl is obviously unsure about her role in your family, especially with a new baby on the way. You have to be so careful not to push her out when it arrives. I have long term fostered children and when they came into my home, they got the same love and affection that my own kids got, probably more if they were really young, as my own kids loved having them around and spoiled them a little. My advice would be to get your daughter to help you bring the new baby up, i.e. involve her now, talk to her, tell her how important she will be in helping you to look after the new one. Make her feel wanted and fully part of the family, not a 'step sister'. Above all, tell her (and show her) how much you love her and how important she is to the family as a whole.

Hello,
I am also a stay-at-home 30 year old wife/mom. I was married before with a step-son, so I can relate somewhate, but your situation is much different in that your step-daughter is younger. Can I offer some advice anyway? Treat her as if you had adopted her. If you are her only constant "mom", then take the role with pride and love. It will always be somewhat different than with your own children, but like one mom said, all children have different personalities and you will struggle to find common ground with them, even if they are your biological children. It sounds like you are excited to be a mother, so since you are her only mother, maybe try to see her as your daughter instead of your "step" daughter? I don't know if this helps, but it may since you're not sharing the role. My husband is also a stepdad to my oldest son, and his dad isn't in the picture either, so my husband takes the father role and they get along great. My husband has told me often that he loves him and would do anything for him, just like he was one of his biological children. He is "his" child now. Maybe a different approach psychologically will help you bond with your daughter more. Good luck!

You have so many responses that I almost did not respond. However, we are in very similar situations. I have a step-daughter who I have known since she was 1, go married to my husband when she was 4. We also have a 19 month old girl. We differ in that my step-daughter does not live with us or near us. She is around for holidays, summers, etc.

I can totally empathisize with you and what you are going through. If you would like to talk further. Please feel free to email me. ____@____.com

Children are a gift from God. Pray for Grace and pray to know why it is God has given you this little girl to raise. What is it you are to learn from this relationship. Perhaps it has something to do with earning a deeper understanding of your relationship with your step-parents and their trials and tribulations as they were raising you. There is an answer. Look for it. Know that God would not give you this daughter if God thought you would not give her the love she deserves. Start reading spiritual books. Pray for God to lead, direct and guide your steps and to open that wellspring of love within you. Stop looking at this little girl as a "step" and start looking at her as your child -- you are all she has to teach her how to be a woman. The more you love her, the more her father will love you.

I REALLY feel for you! I am a step-parent, too! It's a TOUGH road ahead for you, sorry to say! God has chosen YOU to be in this little girl's life - and pray a lot for guidance! When I married my husband, his daughter was 7. We now have 4 children of our own...and it was a tough 12 years!! My step-daughter is now 20 and living with her mom, full-time, but lived with us on and off for all those years in between. Unfortunately, NO ONE understands that TRUE love you have for your own baby (unlike a step child) EXCEPT a fellow step-parent. There is something to be said for that 'bond' you carry, for the baby you carry inside you. ...he/she is your blood. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's tough for your husband, because he probably wants you to feel the same for his daughter as your own. This is just sooo much to write! If you want to chat about it more - feel free to email me! I'll pray for you!

CC- My story is very similar to yours, although, my stepdaughter was 6 when she came to live with us full time and it was 6 years later that I had my first child. Surprisingly, having my own children helped me sort out my feelings for my stepdaughter, and I suspect, it also helped her realize who I was. I spent a lot of years feeling guilty because I questioned whether or not my feelings for her were what they were supposed to be. In addition, her mother (also not a nice person) was pretty integral in her life which made things more difficult, in some ways. My stepdaughter is 17 now, and we're finally getting to a place where we get along again after a four year rough patch. With my hindsight, this is what I suggest: Take it easy on yourself. You feel how you feel, and as long as you're not abusive, unfair, or neglectful, I think you and that child will be fine. You will realize that your feelings for her are little different from those of your biological children. Work to build trust with her, model healthy relationships, and don't let your husband make you her primary care giver (the last will be difficult since you're a stay-home). I discovered that it's absolutely essential that the biological parent finds a way to share time with his child that's different from his other children because the fact is, she is different. Ask yourself: "What's a 'normal' mom?" Whose definition will you use? Even with your own children, you might not feel like the 'ideal' mother (I feel like I yell too much). Find what works for you and your children, and again, take it easy on yourself. Each family situation is unique and perfect/normal in it's own way. Enjoy what you have and realize that you and that stepdaughter are blessed to have one another, even if you don't feel like it some days. Good luck sorting it all out. You are fortunate to be doing this when everyone is so young.

First, how awesome that you are giving this little girl a mommy who is looking out for her best interest. Eventhough it sounds like she has a great Daddy, we all know how much better it is that we have both. Next, you need to behave as if she is yours, give her the feeling that this is how you would treat your own bio child. You can't play favorites, you wouldn't want her growing up feeling like the outsider. Even when you get the feeling like you're reading for her to go home, fake it. Remind yourself that you married a family, you can't have one without the other. Give up the fact that she wasn't biologically yours, its as if you've adopted her, give her the best of your Motherly self, and make sure she still has special time with Daddy. And remember, some of the things you are experiencing with her, you will have with your bio baby. Make sure you involve her in helping with the new baby, and remember that she's already been shortchanged by having a mother who's not willing to be her mother, and think of the wonderful fact that your are showing her what a real mother is, not just for while she's little, but for when she becomes a mother one day. You're in my prayers, and may God bless you for your generosity and love.

Hi.
I am worried that your feelings for this new baby you will have may push your little 4 year old step daughter farther away from you emotionally. Because she will be jealous of the new baby.
My suggestion is to try and form a real close bond with your step daughter BEFORE this new one is born.

When you have your baby you will gain a greater understanding of how your husband feels about your step daughter. Use these feelings to guide you in your feelings about her. Things will get better with time! When you see how much you let slide with your biological child, you will (hopefully) allow that with your step daughter too! Blended families are work but so is ANY family. You have a golden opportunity to make a difference in this girls life, don't miss the chance! And, when things start to bug you, just WALK AWAY.
Have fun
A.

I have read a few of your responses and I think I'm gonna stick to this advice: After you have your baby, you'll be amazed to realize that you already do love this child just like your own. Being an all day long, every day mom brings a feeling toward a child into you that you might not recognize. But, it is what it is, it's motherly love, and it is the same as we all feel toward our kids. It is a little confusing because you don't think she is perfect when you look at her, but contrary to the way most of us behave, we actually don't think our kids are perfect. We think they are awesome how they are, but we don't think they are perfect.

You are already a normal mom... Fear not! I know you might not believe what I am saying... But, I encourage you to wait a little longer. Someday, someone will say something about this child you don't like, and you will be amazed by the feeling of protection over this little one that swells up within you. It happened to me when I wasn't sure if I loved my step daughter as much as love my "real" daughter. But, that day, I realized in my mind that they were the same in my heart. Even now, when her father and I are no longer married, she is the same in my heart and I am the same in hers... She lives with ME...

Huggles!!
~S.~

You have such a wonderful opportunity to influence your little "step" daughter's life in a positive way. Being that her "real" mom is not a reliable mother, that little girl needs the security of your love for her as a mother, as well as her father's and needs the security of knowing she truly is wanted at your home. Also, since you are expecting your own child, she needs to know prior to that child's arrival, that she really does have a permanent place in your home and heart. She didn't choose her life. However, as she gets older and understands the situation and understands the love you've given her, she may choose you as her "real" mom. And wouldn't that be such an honor! And your own child will be so happy to have a big sister. Treat your step-daughter as your own and she will behave as your own...which means sometimes she will behave and sometimes she won't!

Hi C C,

I too have a little girl who is not my own. Little back round, I've been in my little girls life since she was about 4 months and now she is 10. What I have learned is that a child is looking for love and yes they would like it from their Bio parent, but if they are not able to receive it from them for whatever reason they will except from a close mother figure who is willing to give it and except child as if the child was their own. It was hard for me to except that her I was not her Mom but after I got over that, I was able to experience a love that is not replacable by anyone and yes it is different then what your husband will experience but one thing I never did was to make her feel like she was my Step daughter, I treated her as if I birth her into this world and she has loved and respected me for that. I believe u have to get an handle on you. I believe that she is behaving like any other 4 year old little girl but if she feels the tension coming from you she will react from that also. I pray that you will love her and treat her as your own and not show difference and you will see the results that you are looking for from her and then one day when she is 10 years old you will hear her stay to a friend how bless she is because when she gets married she has 2 MOM's to represent her.

This is hard for you but it will hopefully get easier as she gets older and understand that you are her mother even thought you didnt give birth to her - You are a first time mom with her as well so you have to remember that as well - You just have to be loving to her and keep the rules you want and run your world the way you want to and she will get used to everything just giving her LOTS of love and security will be wonderful for her as she grows try to lose the step title and call her your daughter and make her feel super special and with the new baby coming she will be a big sister and she will need to help mommy with the baby even if its just going to get a blanket for the baby she will love the responsiblity of being the big sister make her envolved with picking stuff out for the baby that she wants the baby to have and it will all fall into place hopefully - Its hard for her to understand everything so if you make it clear that she is your family with you and daddy and the new baby she will get used to it - as far as her mom being in and out of her life its very hard on them and confusing and she would never want to hurt her mom so thats hard to deal with at 4 years old jsut as long as you give her stabitity and love you will all be fine - it takes time for sure !