Soon to Be 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER ACTING Up

Are you for real? This sounds fake. All of this information on one page in a diary? Sorry, I don't buy it :(

This child needs lots of love and discipline. I believe she is acting out in order to get YOUR attention. Make sure that she knows that you are her mother first, and friend second. The word "discipline" means "to learn", not necessarily to punish. Make sure that your daughter has lots of structure right now. She cannot seem to handle much freedom. If you cannot handle this problem alone, seek counseling with a family therapist. You, your spouse, and your daughter need to go together. Best of luck!

K.
Licensed Teacher
Mother of two grown children

That's an awful lot to write on the first page of a diary. Okay that and that isn't what any teen I know, daughter included, would ever write in a diary.

Are you sure you aren't a troll. After all you have already changed your name and location since you posted this. :(

ahhhhhhhh. This is the worse thing for a mom of a 13 to have to confront! I have an almost 16 yr old daughter so I can so relate to the scary-ness of this.

1 - Remember you love her and you want the best for her. That is your over-riding emotion even if you feel scared to death. Make sure she understnads that's your first position.
2 - You are the mom, the adult. You have the authority, the right (& priviledge) and responsibility to put a stop to the behaviors that you can control. Just like when she was a baby - you had to stop her from falling down a flight of stairs or burning her hand on the stove, etc. She doesn't realize that the things she's beginning to play with will lead to emotional pain.
3 - In their teen years kids seem almost un-naturally controlled by their desire to be "popular" or well-liked by their peers. They see the "popular" girls as being the ultimate example of what they want to be. It's so fleeting and it's such a negative thing. They don't see down the road - they only see the one part of the road they're on. You need to begin a dialog with her - so she can learn to see where this road will take her. She needs to come to the conclusions on her own - so you need to find ways to ask her questions (not sarcastic, not rhetorical) which make her think and come to her own conclusions.
4 - I am not certain as to whether or not to tell her you read her diary. personally I'm not a big fan or privacy with teens who are still on emtional / social training wheels - but if she was under the impression she had privacy I don't know if it will help or hinder more if she knows you read her diary. Can you instead say that someone kind of told you they had heard these things about your daughter and was concerned? I realize it's not the perfect truth - but I think there are a few very limited instances where the unvarnished truth is not always the best policy. First I'd approach the lying and the skirt rolling. Tell her until you feel confident that you can trust her , she's got to be on a short line. I tell my kids that I'm the one who will one day ahve to answer to God for how I raised my kids. We make TONS of mistakes - but once we figure out they're mistakes we ahve to do something about it. No more going out with friends - if she wants to see this boy it has to be in your house, in your living room (bedrooms & finished basements are off limits). EVentually that may change, you're not sure when but you'll know it when it comes.
5 - Teen girls are evil about each other and use the most vile names to call eachother. Keep in mind, it doesn't end when they come home either. When we were kids, when we got home we were in a safe place. But with Facebook and texts the name calling and trauma of the schoolyard continues in to our teen's bedrooms. Kids do horrible things with texts. If she has a cell phone call the provider right away and remove the ability for her to send photos. Chance are she'll soon be sending photos of herself topless, or some other suggestive pose to this boy. Girls encourage eacho other to do this!!! After one fight with that boy, he'll forward it to a few friends and soon it will go to everyone in school. You can also have your cell phone company turn off your daughter's phone at a certain time each night until a certain time each morning. Our kids's phones services turn off at 10:00 (the younger one) & 11:00 (the older one) then go back on at 7:00 am. Check her FB - and if she won't friend you on FB then take away the computer. I went on FB initally becuase my then 13 yr old wanted to get on FB. The condition is that she lets me have access to her account - the same with my son. We also do random audits of their phone to see their texts. We hardly ever do it - but once in a while we'll ask for their phone. Sometimes it's months apart, sometimes weeks. If they've deleted everything it's suspicious.
6 - Not sure of how close your husband is with your daughter, but counseling professionals know that girls who are close with their dads aren't promiscuous. Dad and she should go to breakfast together, or out to dinner, go-carts, laser-tag, paintball, etc. If they don't sit together on the couch to watch TV together they need to once in a while. Start with a family game night and then "get the runs" and leave for the bathroom for a while - tell your daughter to take your turns for you until you get back. Anything to get your husband connected to his dear girl. Many teen boys have learned from the media that targets their age group that girls are "hoes" and "b*tches" to be used, traded off & exchanged like video games, etc. (Not all boys) Our education system tells our kids that they're the product of a cosmic spark of goo that crept out of a swamp. They don't feel that they have any intrinsic value - when they do. They don't realize they're precious and loved and created for awesome things. Our kids need to hear messages they tell them they are loved, they are intelligent, they are valuable and worth so much more than body parts of boobs and tush.

Finally - make sure she knows that you will always, always, always be there for her. No matter what. That you'll stop anything you're doing to help her. You'll stay up all night if needed, etc. (There's an epidemic of teen suicide - my daughter tried it at one point and I had to spend all night with her - a few times making sure she didn't take one really bad day at school and make a permanent decision as a result.) Teen girls cut, self mutilate, stop eating or throw up, anything to feel alive. Help her to find soemthing that she has a passion for that she's good at. Is she an artist? musically skilled? A really fast runner or rock climber? Find a charity you can both volunteer with so she realizes she's got soemthing to give. When you do stuff for other people you realize you can be awesome!

Realize it will get worse before it gets better. Your DD will really kick against tighter guidlelines - but deep deep down inside she'll feel a sense of relief & secuirty. She has no idea what she's doing and desperately wants you to guide her - even though she fight you over it. Anticipate it and expect it. But just keep loving her.

Pray too. God wants the best for us and our kids - and He cares about the details of our lives. Invite Him to be involved and He will be.

Good luck mama. This parenting stuff is so hard!!

Don't put this off. I used to think I could handle a lot of things and sadly it escalated over the years. Please get some counseling, even if it is talking to someone in your church or a local hospital or school Social Worker. Interesting that you 'found' her diary opened. I think she probably 'accidentally' left it open because clearly she is in over her head. If you won't go for counseling, do not betray her confidence by saying you read her diary. But Mama, you need to then begin to monitor a lot of her movements (sorry a retreat back to toddler days). And give some consequences for any blatant behaviors. Not just threats but actual consequences. I am sorry I know this, it's from taking a tortureous journey myself with two thank heaven very much alive children who grew up in spite of me.

I would wonder too if she actually planted the diary open on purpose to sort of get you to notice it. My cousin's son did that once in his bedroom with a bag of pot that he left out in the open on his desk - like he really wanted them to notice it and say something about it, because he wanted to talk about it but didn't know how.

Sounds to me like she is crying out for attention, and right now she's getting attention from all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons.

I would sit her down today and let her know that you came across her diary because she left it open on her bed and you need to talk. Let her know you are not angry, but you are worried, and you want to see her make better choices for herself. A bad reputation that is earned as a teen can follow her for a very long time. She also needs to understand that she doesn't need to let a boy do whatever to her just to meet his approval. If she will not be in school for the summer, hopefully that will give you the opportunity to get her involved in something more positive and break her of these negative influences. Absolutely the "boyfriend" needs to go - tell her flat out she is too young to have a boyfriend and she needs to wait until she is older and can handle herself more responsibly. Unless you want her pregnant at 14.
Make an appointment with her with a doctor who can talk to her about sex, STDs, pregnancy prevention, and maybe have her screened for depression.

Where is her dad in all this? What kind of relationship to they have?

This age is very tough... this is the time to start talking to her about boys. Even if the things she wrote are a bit over board, take this knowledge and run with it. Ask her if she has any interest in boys? How she needs to be treated by other people and have standards for herself. How boys need to learn how to treat her. That Highschool is not easy and girls especially can be extremely cruel and mean, but she can do things to make her highschool years more enjoyable. If she has any questions for you. Have the sex talk and that she is not alone. These feelings of wanting to be kissed and have a boyfriend is normal, but with a relationship comes responsibility.
I have 2 stepdaughters and when I would hear/read things, I would talk to my husband and think of ways to bring up whatever subject they were struggling with and use it as a learning/talking point. But I NEVER told THEM that I read something our another parent called to tell us things.
I also told them that if they came to us, we would not be mad at them for whatever they had to tell us, we may not like it and there would be times that her daddy was not happy, but it was way better to talk with us and get open communication than hide things and make mistakes that can be hard to fix...there would be less punishment if it was discussed.
Good Luck, so not easy!!! But talk, talk and talk some more!!!! Lots of hugs!!!

Take into account that she might be fabricating what she writes about. Another thing you can do is do a spot check at school. Make sure your daughter always has something to do. Such as cheer and after cheer she has homework. Make sure she is supervised. I mean she is only 13....when does she have time to be with her so called boyfriend. I am only saying this because I remember having my diary and mine was filled with all lies!! lol. If her grades are dropping she must pay the consequence for that. Grounding, no phone, no computer until grades are pulled up. Your still the parents and she will still have that attitude because they all go through it. Keep your head high and keep doing what your doing.

I have a 17 yr old. Thankfully, I've never been in your shoes.

I strongly believe in wide open lines of communication with you listening mostly.

Sounds like she may have wanted you to read it and this was her way to open up some dialogue. Take and go with it but don't judge her, reprimand her, etc. just listen and talk . This is not the time to dish out punishments.

If she is in the school cheer and athletic programs... Her grades wi pull her off the team. Our schools follow UIL rules which are no pass=no play.

Hang in there with her because this is an emotional time for her age. Try to make sure she has good role models. Get into a good program for summer that will enrich her and build her confidence .

Best wishes.