I Read My Daughter's Diary

Inpatient rehab. Stop her now before she gets a disease, hooked on harder stuff, or gets herself killed.

You can try catching her red-handed, but if that doesn't work, just tell her you saw her diary and know what's she's been doing. If she acts betrayed etc saying you shouldn't have disrespected her privacy point out her behavior means she's not entitled to privacy.

Therapy as a family is a very good idea, but she should go alone as well.

Should also think about calling the police about the dealer.

Take her to her doctor or Planned Parenthood to be tested for STDs.

Do NOT feel guilty for reading her diary, you are her mother, it's your job to keep her safe and she hasn't been being safe.

UPDATED:

OF COURSE she's going to be furious!!! She's been caught drinking, doing drugs and having sex at the age of 14, she'll try to divert your attention and make it about her "privacy" not about her dangerous, illegal activity.

Some moms are idiots, I swear. You probably read her diary because you felt something was wrong and checked into it. Good for you. You are trying to intervene to save her life here, not be her freaking friend.
I'm sorry, I have not had to deal with teen issues like this as a parent so I have nothing really to help you, but I wanted to just say that you are not a bad mom for reading a diary. If things were sunshine and roses, I'd scream from the rooftops to give children an amount of privacy. But for a child that young to be involved with things that adult, I know you've had concerns before now, and I would read it too. And to someone who said she may think twice about coming to you with a problem if she finds out what you did, well the problem here is that she's doing all this WITHOUT coming to you.
Do get help with nar-anon or a professional counselor. You'll have to be tough, you'll have to show her love, she will be "mad" at you. But it's good that you realize you're not equipped to handling this on your own and seeking help.

First of all take your full name off of the board-never use your real name on the internet...esp connected with a post like this.

I would confront her-you have to ....she is engaging in life threatening behavior and you are her mother. Fanily thereapy is probably in order if you think it is.

I read my daughter's diary when she was a teenager. I was desperate. She would not communicate with me, she had undergone a complete personality change, she was an A student suddenly failing in school...so I read her diary and found out she was doing drugs. Serious drugs. Next, I did the wrong thing. I called her father, my ex-husband, and together agreed to confront her. Wrong, wrong, wrong. He started out by telling her that her mother (me) had absolutely no right to violate her privacy but since he now had the info we had to do something. He was just an innocent victim of my misdeed as was she. My daughter never forgave me...not ever...and she is in her thirties. Maybe she'll forgive me when she has a teenager. So my advice is get her into counseling without telling her or anyone that you read her diary. Don't tell the counselor either - just tell them every indicator that you have to be concerned - temperament changes, communication issues, the way she dresses, her grades, her friends. Keep her in counseling and keep her involved in as many activities as you can. Be in her face. Calmly, but be there. For any mother on this site that blames you for what you did I can say only that they are fortunate to have not been in the circumstance where they could no longer understand what was going on with their child and became desperate. For any mother on this site that blames you for what you did, I would ask if they track the internet sites their child visits (is that an invasion of privacy?) or if they have ever checked a story their teen told them about where they were or what they were doing or if they have ever checked their teen's car for beer bottles or their coat pocket for cigarettes. I don't regret reading her diary because it may have saved her live. And the truth is, looking back on it, I knew (from the indicators) before I read the diary but I guess I didn't want to believe it so it became my wake up call that I needed to take action. I do, however, regret sharing the truth with her father and with her. My heart goes out to you, this is such a difficult time. You must be hurting so badly. You are not alone. You are not the first mother to "invade" a teen's privacy by one means or another and you won't be the last. It was not done with malicious intent to hurt her, it was done out of love and concern. So I say act on it, without disclosing what you did to her. And you ARE a good mother!
PS - One last thing, at the time she told me it was "made up", creative writing which my ex totally believed and I see some other posters have suggested that possibility. We have talked about it since she grew up and she has told me that was BS - every word was for real. Just fyi.

This is a tough decision. First off, alot of people are probably going to blast you for reading her diary but I personally see no harm in it. Its called concern for your daughter! And if you felt it necessary to do so then good for you. Your mothers instinct was obviously right about it all, going off of what you found out about her. It probably wasn't what you had expected to find out but it is so now you have to deal with it. Its a crucial moment in your relationship with her, so you have to be careful about how you go about it.

One of two things could happen, when she finds out you know. And you have to prepare yourself for either one. She could either leave and run away or she could be really angry and upset, and probably embarrassed about it too.

You definitely need counseling as a family whole, but she needs it separately too. Need to find the reason to why she is acting out and letting herself and her body be so used at such a young age. She may be secretly depressed about something, and is dealing in her own way.

But if it were me I would try to catch her red handed in the act doing something, and take her away from it, and calmly try your best to talk it through and try to get her to open up. If you just say I read your diary then she will be less likely to listen to what you have to say, and then will probably deny anything you say too. So just have to catch her doing it so she knows there is no way out of it, and changes are and will be made.
If she wants to act like an adult and do adult things then she has to be treated as so.
No more going out, and seeing friends, no more anything. School to home. Home to school. She needs to realize and know that you are serious about this and arent going to budge. It will be difficult, but remember you are the parent and cannot let her run you or your family with her actions.

I hope for the best for you and your family through this hard time. Just remember to be strong, and calm.

I cannot believe that people are being critical about you reading your daughters diary....I think that sometimes it is something that just has to be done. I would try to catch her red handed and like someone else said, get her far from the "friends" she is hanging out with and get her some help. I will be praying for you whole family as I know this will be a hard time for you all. I have a brother with a drug problem and when we were kids all he did was deny deny deny....i think you are a good mother and dont let any one make you feel bad for reading her diary, obviously it was a good thing you did!!

All of this is dangerous activity.
Meaning she is in danger.

You and her father are going to have to explain why you read her diary without her permission, I am assuming you felt something was going on? Be prepared for her to not be p;eased. Let her be angry, but once she calms down, you can tell her why you felt this was important.

Then you and her father will need to let her know she needs a full physical and will no longer have all of the freedoms she has in the past. No cell phone. limited computer use except for homework.. Make sure that computer is in the living room.

You or her father will drop her off in school and one of you will pick her up each day. Speak with the school and let them know that the moment they notice she is missing class they are to call you. In the evenings her goal will be to do her homework and help with chores. All TV viewing and use of her ipod are now privileges she will have to earn.

Then I suggest she tell you about exactly what has been going on and for how long. She needs to see a counselor that specializes in teen behaviors and you and her father also need to attend with her for some of theses sessions.

If you can get her to tell you the name and location of the drug dealer and how she met this person.. you need to inform the authorities. I would also want to know who her sexual partners are so that they also can be tested for sexually transmitted diseases,

Remember the school needs to be aware of the drug dealer,. Just in case there are other students being affected or the dealer is a student. You will also need to inform them that you are working with a therapist because of some behaviors she has been involved in and how you will be handling this at home.

I am sending you strength. Your daughter is in way over her head and this is not going to be easy to fix, help and survive, but it can be done.

Text her and say "Time to talk. I saw your diary."

Hi M.,
When I read the title of your post I admit I became INSTANTLY angry....woooweeee were your gonna get a nasty post from me! My mother read and edited all my spelling mistakes in my diary when I was young! (Yes she had a few control issues lol) BUT after reading what you found in the diary you had VERY VERY good reason! You were obviously worried and concerned with good reason!

I have told my daughter since she was little the rules of the house. And number 1 is respect. I won't go into her room unless she invites me in, respect is given until there is reason for concern. If I find she lies to me, attendance issues at school, a sudden change in marks, "hiding" behavior, problems with friends etc, this then gives me reason to take things to another level.....if I have to search a room or read a diary (something I would never do unless gravely worried) then its game on.

Therapy is good - but have her go alone! Not a "family session" she will be more open and honest alone and that is the main focus! And I would (lord help me for saying this) be sneaky - follow her around, check caller ID's on phones, do a "redial" after she uses the phone. Then collect as much info as possible. Some of the women here mentioned writting un-truths in their diary .... I did too when I suspected my mom was reading my diary!

So good luck, I'll be thinking of you and your daughter....

Why would you read your child's diary? Does no one feel this is wrong?

Please get some family counseling. She obviously needs support, and being her parents, so will you. I'm not going to be popular for saying this, but here goes: She's going to be furious with you for reading her diary, and it sounds like there are a lot of things going on in her life that need further examination. I know you probably read it because you were wondering what's going on in her life, but I think that breaching her trust like this will not make her trust you more. At her age, my diary was a personal, private thing and I would have been crushed if my mother had read it.

I am glad you found out - even if it meant reading her diary. You do need to take direct action. I'm not sure if I'd tell her how I found out - if there is another way... intercept her at a Monday "deal" or some other way??? The only concern about the diary is that you will lose her trust... so if you can preserve that and still address the issues, I would do that. Good luck, these are tough issues. Hang in there, and make sure she knows she's loved too!

I do not know how any Mother could bash you for reading your daughter's diary. I for one am 100% up front with my children and tell them that I respect and love them but so long as they live under my roof the only true privacy they are entitled to is the thoughts in their own head. I will go through and clean their rooms and I have also spot checked texts and Facebook and sent emails...I am sorry in this day and age you cannot be too careful. Even with ALL of my checking I still had to find out the hard way that my son was experimenting with marajauna...I would do some more checking before I confronted her...and maybe sitting down and trying to have a heart to heart would be better than just pointing your finger and getting all accusatory.
Don't beat yourself up, none of us is a perfect mother, we are all human and imperfect, all we can do is try our best. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Be sure and give us an update! Hope this all turns around for the both of you.

Hmmmmm, toughie :( I think I would just walk into her room holding her diary and ask her whats going on... She is obviously hurting in some way to be drinking and doing drugs... Therapy would most likely be very beneficial. Good luck!

.

She should never know you read your diary. Time to think smart. Where is she on Mondays? I would change around her schedule. I would get her busy so she does not have time to drink or do drugs. My kids are 13 and 14...my kids rarely get to go hang out with their friends, they are really busy with stuff they love to do. "Hanging" only causes trouble. Good luck.

Call the police and have them follow her next Monday and bust the drug dealer. Probably wouldn't hurt for them to put a scare into her as well with little trip to juvenile detention. Take your daughter to the doctor, get her tested for STDs. You daughter needs to be seriously grounded.

Blessings.....

when i was12 i lied in my diary because i thought my friends and brothers were reading it......i claimed things in there that i thought would make me look cooler.

just saying, dont rule that out

You should see a counselor immediately. She will never trust you again since you read her diary, and YES, everyone -even children living in their parent's homes deserve some privacy. However, given what you found in the diary, something needs to be done -specifically in regards to the drug use and sex (is she safe? using birth control? have you had in depth discussions about sexuality, sex, birth control and STD protection?). In regards to the drugs -is this only pot or is it something more? She needs to understand how much trouble she can get into with any of it and how seedy and dishonest dealers can be, and if she's doing something else that can be addictive, she REALLY needs to talk to someone. I'm curious as to why you read the diary. Did you suspect something like drugs and sex or did you just find it and decide to read it? Beyond anything -you two desperately need to get some very open and on-going lines of communication going because it will only get worse if you don't.

I agree with the moms who stated that your daughter is going to be furious w/you for reading her diary. I agree that you need to confront her and therapy sounds like a good idea. She definitely needs help keeping herself safe and healthy from both the dangers of drugs and unsafe sex.
When I was younger my mother read my diary. It shattered me. I felt so violated and hurt. She confronted me b/c she found out that I had lost my virginity. It made me mistrust and resent her. It made me much less likely to go to her with any future problems. The night after she talked to me I put my whole diary through the paper shreader and never kept a diary again. I hope that you can get her on the right track and best of luck to you!!!

Sorry if I disagree with many of the other posters but it's your job to know what your daughter is doing--and if that means reading her diary or going through her closet and drawers when she's not home, good for you. You shouldn't tell her you did (because it limits how you get your future information if she stops writing in her journal), but you should not feel bad that you did.

You need to put your daughter on birthcontrol. The horse is already out of the barn, mama! She doesn't have the maturity at 14 to be in charge of safe sex--and neither do the boys she's sleeping with. Unless you want to be a grandmother or face the possibility of abortion, you need to get her on reliable birth control. I knew a girl in high school whose mother made her swallow a BC pill every day... There are also depo shots you get monthly. Hopefully she's already gotten vaccinated for the pap virus/cervical cancer (which is why they recommend girls get it at age 9-11, because teens are already sexually active without their parents knowledge).

She needs to know about herpes. Hope that the the boys she's doing it with are boys and not perverted 20-30 year old men.

You need to keep her busy, too busy to do whatever she's been up to. I know one family that moved to a different school district to get their son to stop hanging out with the friends he had; they enrolled him in after school swimming classes.

You need to work on her self confidence. The higher her opinion of herself, the less likely she'll sleep around.

How's her relationship with her father? She might be seeking sexual attention because she lacks positive attention and emotional bond with her father.

Good luck!

I am wondering why the heck did you read her diary??? A diary is a private journal and meant to be private---what right did you have to read it? I would NOT confront her because she will know you read her diary and she will never trust you again. Instead, try to talk to her and have a heart-to heart. Has she been acting different? If so, ask her whats going on--If she comes home smelling like weed or cigarettes etc. then address that problem. I would start with opening up the communication. You will alienate her if you start with all of the things you read in her diary---Therapy is a good idea--start with you and then see if your family will go too. Get some support!

Good Luck,

M

I think counselling is a great idea. Until then, I wonder if NAR-ANON could give you advice about how to confront your daughter.

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html
Hope this helps. I wish you the best :)

Not sure if this is the case but I lied in my diary alot. About boys and drinking. Not sure why other than hoping to spice up a fairy tale life that I didn't have. It was really boring. It might be what's going on here. Either way I would allow myself to really calm down first BEFORE saying or doing anything.
Not sure about you reading her diary was a good thing. I mean if she finds out that you did forget ever having her feel comfortable trusting and talking to you.
Whether you are 14 or 40 it's betrayal. If you have concerns why can't you just ask her about them when a time when things are calm and easy between you both?
Keeping in mind that your reactions mean the world to her right now. It's hard enough to try and fit in this world at 14, she needs to be validated and heard just like anyone else.
Best Regards,
C.

As one or two ppl said - I agree with reading her diary. Sometimes teens are so good at hiding what they are doing that it's impossible to find that kind of information out any other way.

Makes me wonder if the Columbine killer kid's parents had bothered to go into their rooms and look for a journal/diary or something - that horrible tragedy could have never happened.

Check out her phone... just take it from her and read the texts. Some of that info you found out should be there and that way you can get around sharing how you got the information.

Once you are able to talk to her - take her to the GYN for her annual pap, STD testing panel and birth control options. This part you can implement without talking to her about the stuff you read. You can just tell her you aren't stupid and you know what a teenage girl's body and hormones do.

As for the rest... see if the GYN may be able to do a drug screening panel too as a TOTAL health check up.

Recently my 25 yr. old daughter asked me to look through a box of important documents she left at my house to look for the Title to her car. I did not find it and she told me to look again because she was sure it was in there. I looked more carefully to make sure it wasn't stuck in between pages of any books, and that's when I noticed her journal. I would have not read it but the words "Please God let me die, I hate myself" caught my eye, so I read a few pages because I was shocked and concerned. She wrote that her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant and gave her HBV, Hepatitis B Virus. She was twenty two when it happened and not married yet, I already sensed he was hiding something and she had turned against me soon after meeting him. I didn't say anything about it until my granddaughter told me her mom's cousin's boyfriend twisted her arm and it hurt, and I threatened to cause him bodily harm and call the cops. After questioning him and my daughter's aunt it turns out it's most likely my granddaughter's father who did it because he's always wretstling with her and she's usually laughing but always ends up crying. I thought maybe my granddaughter was afraid to tell me it was her dad so she said it was "Dan" because she likes him and trusts him and knew he wouldn't be mad at her if she told. I lost my cool and threatened my daughter's husband about hurting my granddaughter and the truth came out about me reading the journal and my daughter of course is mad for going through her stuff and she said her daughter is exaggerating about her arm. It seems like I was guided to her journal by the chain of events and I was meant to find out what that creep did to my daughter. I feel guilty but I am glad I know I was right all along but now she's more determined to stand by her man no matter what, it breaks my heart. BTW the journal was a notebook like you use in school and it did not say anything on the front so I did not know what it was until I opened it and the first thing I saw was "Please God let me die, I hate myself."

I believe you did the right thing but I had a similar experience to Julie R. My X was believing everything my twin girls were saying when they were lying (staying out all night, doing drugs etc.) First there was the open email account on the living room computer looking right at me. That's when I found out they were drinking and smoking cigarettes and posting sexually on public forums. They got very angry because I invaded their privacy. At least my X was starting to believe it but then he started saying they always tell him the truth.

At that time one of the twins started leaving her journal in the living room, one time it was open too. I knew things were going on. A parent told me they were smoking pot. I read it and what an eye opener. They were also trying ecstasy and hanging around with kids whole smoke pot constantly, as well as, connecting with dealers. So now my X believes me again but I have to actually copy and fax him the information.

We send them to Center of Motivational Change along with the fact that they have psychiatrists and there's a Family Counselor involved then too. As the summer goes by, one twin keeps insisting that she's drug free. She leaves out her diary in her room. They're smoking pot every day. Doing ecstasy, want to try acid and one has had sex with her boyfriend.

I confront her when she proudly states she hasn't smoked pot since the spring and I say she's smoked pot every day this summer and it comes out that I've read the diary. She breaks a glass on the floor and starts to come at me but doesn't.

Now neither one of them talk to me. They don't trust me. I've gotten everything out in the open. My X believes it now. The psychiatric teams are in place and they are working on mending my relationship with the twins. My X however is thrilled that they are staying with him and is now trying to cut back the child support when we are subsequently trying to mend the relationships - he's pitting them against me. I haven't seen them in 3 months. They didn't see me at Thanksgiving and didn't come over or call at Christmas. One says she never wants to see me again, ever.

I breached trust but they are now seeing specialists. Their grades are fantastic but they're struggling with temptations and peer pressure. I love them so much and am very hurt that I've damaged our relationships. I don't know what to do now. I send them cards weekly. I tell them the door is always open. I say that tomorrow is always a new day.

By the way, my mother read my diary when I was their age. Although I was upset at the time, she did the right thing. I was hanging around a group of kids who peripherally had friends involved in guns - which I can hardly believe as I'm now a tea totaller and good hearted - She woke me up and we talked about it. I realized or rather 'woke up' to the situation and stopped hanging around with the group right away. You just get led into situations at that age and don't think about it.

I don't know what to do.