Reading Your Pre-teen Phone Texts

He is 11. Why does he have a phone. If he really needs it get a prepaid phone. No texting. Nothing else. An 11 year old should not expect privacy!

Yes, bring the phone and yes, tell your son.

You SHOULD be reading his texts, monitoring ALL of his electronic activity (which includes anything he does on a computer, tablet, gaming system or phone) and he SHOULD know that you do this. It's not a secret - it's your job to keep him safe and teach him how to use electronic media responsibly and how to handle things when he sees and hears things that are red flags. He won't know unless you openly and honestly communicate with him. He should have NO expectation of privacy, which is a good guide to e-life in general and a good way to learn that anything you write, send or download can fall into the wrong hands and come back to haunt you.

Sit down with him, go through the texts and talk about them - how did he feel reading this? Was he scared? Concerned? Does he know that when he reads something like this, he should tell an adult? What will he do the next time he sees someone write something that indicates that they are in need of help? Talk through these scenarios together, asking him things like what would he do if he knew that a friend gave out personal information such as their name, address or where they go to school to someone she or he doesn't know? What would he do if he realized or felt that someone he's communicating with who he thought he knew was maybe a stranger or was lying about who they are? What would he do if he received an inappropriate photo or video, or if someone was being bullied?

Honestly I think that 11 is way too young for a phone. My kids get one at 13. My younger sons have an iPad and use messaging and apps, but their accounts are linked to mine so I see everything. If he needs the phone, you need to tighten up controls yesterday - there is no reason for him to be able to download apps without your knowledge, or to be texting people without you being able to see. If you have an iPhone, create a family account, link his account to yours, remove his ability to download anything without your pass code, and monitor his messaging through your own account.

in today's technological and information age i can't imagine any reasonable parent giving a child, not even a teenager, free and open access to the internet, and not supervising communications.
if he keeps a diary, that's private. leave it alone. (probably doesn't, in this age of blogs.)
don't walk in on him in the bathroom or his bedroom without knocking.
that's the degree of courteous privacy he and any other person in your house is entitled to.
instead of an apologetic confession i would sit this young man down and inform him that you made a mistake giving him unfettered access to everything the phone can do, and outline the clear and non-negotiable rules for its use, including regular monitoring and access to all his passwords. give him some time to be butthurt over it since he hasn't had any accountability up to this point.
and while i'm sure there's reams of advice below to lie to your kid, since that seems to be a regular coping technique for many parents here, i'd also be upfront with him about sneaking around, and apologize for it. i hasten to add, NOT to apologize for checking- but for sneaking.
sneaky parents have sneaky teenagers.
do not train your tween to be sneaky.
khairete
S.

First of all, you should not feel bad about reading his texts. All parents, if they're responsible should strictly monitor their kids devices. Since your son is only 11, and very young to have a phone, you should be checking up on it regularly. When my 13 yr old DD got her phone on her 13th bday, we told her that we reserve the right to take it and look through it at any time.

You should sit your son down and tell him what you found on his phone. And yes, you should bring the phone and tell the counselor if you feel this girl is really considering harming herself. You would want someone to do the same if it were your son.

Yes, you should take the phone to the counselor. Yes, you should tell your son that you did, and will continue, on a random basis, to look at anything on his phone. And yes, go over those texts with him, and try to help him understand that when a kid says anything about hurting him/herself, he should ALWAYS tell an adult right away.

I would tell my daughter or son if it was their phone. My husband goes through our 12 year old's phone often and he asks her about things. It's not accusing, it's staying in contact. And way to go for your son to be trying to help. The only thing I would tell my kids if that if any of their friends are in trouble, they should tell me or dad.

Yes, you take the phone and show the counselor. You do what you can to try to help this young lady.

The phone belongs to you as the parent - the kids have the right to use it, but it's not private for them...they shouldn't expect it at all.

Yes, tell your son, and yes, tell the counselor. My thoughts are that kids have privacy when they become adults and move out.

Kudos to your son for trying to help a friend and show compassion!

Your son should expect no privacy when it comes to his phone. You are paying for it and you are responsible for him until he turns 18. It is your job to protect him and see what he is doing.

Yes. You take the phone with you. If that girl actually does end up hurting herself or dying, can you imagine the guilt you would feel for not doing anything?

You tell your son that the phone is on LOAN to him and what it is to be used for. He MUST be responsible. Finding out that someone wants to hurt themselves and not telling an adult is NOT responsible.

Good luck!

Brilliant answer from JB. I agree! I also agree that there's no expectation of privacy with a teen or tween. I do think it's wise to say that, yes, it's convenient for a kid to have a phone to talk to parents, but they are also perfectly capable of going to the school office and using a standard land line there to call in an emergency. They are also capable of planning ahead for rides and so on. 15 years ago, kids didn't have cell phones, and pretty much all of them got picked up after activities.

Commend him for trying to support the friend but also tell him these are adult issues to solve. Do ask him how he felt, whether he was frightened or unsure of what to do, and so on. Let him talk. Don't grill him, just ask questions that make him talk more. There are times when kids need to go to an adult, even if they think someone might "get in trouble" - that means a kid taking someone else's drugs (ADD meds, etc., that kids trade), drinking (don't ever let a super drunk friend go to sleep), or when kids are engaging in self-harm or talking about suicide. They cannot, and should not, try to solve the problem, even if they think that the other kid's parents will get upset. They need to be talked to about who they can go to for help on their own behalf or on behalf of another.

One other thing - I would get familiar with the apps kids get now that disguise their true purpose. There are some that look like a calculator, for example, and there are apps that hide the true apps within or behind them. Talk to the school guidance counselor or resource officer (if there is one); if not, ask if there can be a program for parents to teach them how to find and distinguish these apps. Or call the police department (non-emergency line) and ask if there is an officer familiar with these teen cyber issues who can advice you on what's popular at the moment and how to learn more. There are also organizations that teach this information to parents and other interested adults.

Personally I think when ever a child gets a phone - they should be told not to expect any privacy - so they should keep in mind that their texts WILL be read by parents at any time.
Bring the phone and talk to the counselor.

I would let him know that you checked the phone and read the texts. read my kids facebook pages, check their messaging, and if I want to, they have to hand the phone or Ipod so I can see what is going on. One thing to add about telling your so you read his texts, talk to him about teen depression. It is a very serious subject brushed off until recently. He is just starting to be exposed to the rough teen years at 11. He has quite a way to go and will need your help and guidance to handle things that come up.

I think he needs to know he's not an adult and as such he is unable to do adult things, like have privacy on a phone or computer.

Life stinks and kids get played and bullied and lied to all the time. They need us to make sure they are safe and not making life altering mistakes, like being friends with some pedophile pretending to be a tween/teen kid that wants to come meet you cause "you're so awesome! I can't wait to meet you in person!!!".

So, your kid needs to know you will and always will until they are an adult demand their phone and the ability to log into any program on it at any time. Then you don't have to explain that you found these sorts of messages.

Absolutely tell him. My son, also 11, has a phone. And he also knows Mom will be reading those texts regularly. So yes, your son should know about this before you go to the counselor. And you shouldn't be afraid to tell him you read those texts. He is 11. And you provide the phone. And he lives in your home. Good luck!

tell your son that as his mother, you have the right to check his phone whennever you want. he shouldnt have a problem with it unless he knows theres something on his phone that shouldnt be. I never go through my kids phones, and i never have because they know they can come talk to me whenever they want or need to. they know how to be safe on the internet (not to give out private information, not to talk to random people online, etc..), they know that everything they say is not private and can be showed to anyone at any time just by simply taking a screenshot, and they know that if theres ever a problem like that, that they need to tell an adult. granted, my kids are older than yours, but when they were thirteen, (still older than yours, i know) one of their friends was talking about suicide. my daughter came running to me and showed me the texts and i called the mother and that girl got the help she needed and theyre still friends four years later. make sure your son knows that you wouldnt have to read his texts if he had told you what was going on and would have talked to you. definately take the phone to the school as you wouldnt want to endanger this girl by letting these thoughts continue. and also, dont feel bad about reading his texts. hes still young and even at 17, my kids have friends whose parents still read their texts from time to time.