My son is a sensitive almost 10 year old boy, who for the most part is pretty happy. He doesn't have a lot of friends, but he has one best buddy. Lately, though, his best buddy seems to be annoyed with him. He'll argue with him about stupid things and yell at my son. It doesn't happen all of the time, sometimes they have a blast together. But it totally bums my son out when it does happen and will bring him to tears. I've given him several suggestions about what he can say, but it doesn't seem to help. They are going to be in the same class together this year, too, which I am not thrilled with. I've gotten him involved in various things to try and make other friends, which he has some, but he and this other boy spend lots of time together and again, his feelings get really hurt. Has this happened to anyone else and how did you handle it?
Thanking you in Lexington.
At ten I would not but in. He will make new friends or stick up for him self with this friend. My son is 11 I would probably tell him to suck it up and get on with it.
He is entering the age that kids are going to be much meaner than just yelling at him or arguing with him. Is he in sports or any extra curricular? I would suggest activities that will not only introduce new friends, but build his self confidence. I'm not saying the other kid's behavior is okay, but it is far from the worst your son will experience. He needs the confidence to stand up for himself and make it clear to his peers that he will not put up with that treatment. I would strongly discourage saying anything to him that reinforces any "victim" mentality. As long as he is a victim of others, he has no control, and will feel very helpless. Reinforce to him that he is in control and you teach others how to treat you. If he wants to be friends with someone he has every right to demand respect from them.
My son had a best friend from the time the boys were 3 years old. I was friends with the parents, my daughter babysat the friend and his older brother. We were like family. If the kids weren't at my house, they were at the other house. They had the same classes at school, built forts together, etc.
Another boy moved into the neighborhood when they were around 10 or so and things were fine until my son started telling me that his friend was mean to him when the other kid was around. For instance, if my son was already over there playing, the other boy would come over and talk the friend into going to his house, making it clear my son was not invited. He would come home and tell me what happened and I said the best thing to do was leave things alone for a while.
Well, friend came over and invited my son to go have lunch and start a "project" in the backyard.
An hour later, my son came home in absolute tears.
The other boy had shown up and proceeded to tell my son that no one liked him, no one could stand him, no one wanted him around and the only reason he was tolerated is because his mom was friends with the parents. He was told to leave and never come back.
Now.....what hurt him the most was that his friend sat there and agreed with every cruel thing the other boy said.
I called the mom, one of my best friends, and said, "What the hell?"
To make a long story short, she proceeded to gather a group of boys who weren't even there at the time and they all claimed my son was lying, so she went with that.
My son made the decision to end that friendship.
I pulled back as well.
Even I was treated like I was making a big deal out of nothing, but their kid never ran home crying from my house. If he had, she would have done the same thing and called to find out what the heck had happened.
I wouldn't have just blown it off. No way.
My son made the decision that he was done. And I backed him up.
He did not need a friend badly enough to subject himself to that.
Yes, I know kids will be kids and it's true that when they see each other too much, they can fight like siblings. But this "friend" jumped on the bandwagon calling my son gay and a fag, no one likes him.
The truth is, everyone likes my son. He is respectful and mannerly. That doesn't make him gay.
The funny thing is that the friend's father came to my house and said how much they missed my son and how much things had changed since my son hadn't been around. His son was getting in trouble for stealing, getting in trouble for fighting and being disrespectful at school just about every day.
I said I was sorry to hear that, but one thing I knew for sure is that my son had zero involvement in any of it. He had removed himself from a bad situation with my full support.
Neither my son nor I regret that decision.
Best buddies have falling outs. Especially when they're kids. But, if your son isn't into arguing or yelling, he doesn't have to put up with it.
None of us have to be that desperate for friends.
Get your son involved in other things and let him learn that sometimes friends come and go. If someone makes him upset all the time or makes him feel bad, it's okay to say, "I don't feel like taking this anymore."
In a few weeks, his friend might treat him differently. But if not, really nothing lost.
I they're in the same class, they obviously have to be civil to one another, but they don't have to be "friends".
I've had plenty of friends who have really hurt me, and it's sad, but there's also something very empowering about knowing you can just say "I'm done." I have a thousand friends who would never betray me, are always there when I need them and vice versa. Those are the ones you spend your energy on. Not the ones you try to figure out how to please or what you have to do to make them like you more.
I think it's the same for boys and for girls around this age.
The more your son knows he has the power to choose what to deal with, the better.
He'll be all right.
He sounds like a great kid and taking a break from someone who you don't get along with for a while isn't such a bad thing.
It's the best thing my son ever chose for himself.
Best wishes!
My kids are 18, 16, 13. I have learned over the years that close friendships all go through rough patches. I agree with the first poster when she said your son needs to make his own choices as to whether this friendship is worth waiting out the rough patch or time to let go. He will make his own way and migrate naturally towards a suitable friend or two, but even a seemingly perfect match will eventually have issues if they remain friends long enough, it is an excellent lifeskills learning opportunity.
Just curious if your son verbalizes to his "on and off again" buddy when he is acting mean or rude, if not you need to teach him to do so. See if he will role play with you what he would say when his friends acts badly. Does your son have any interest in martial arts at his age. You may take him to a karate school or tae kwon do class if there is one, It would teach your son to stand up for himself more and have more confidence in addition to teaching him some great values. THis would help him, not only with his friends but also in life. My daugher took almost 5 yrs of it starting at age 5 and it was great for her. Very few people know she is a black belt. Hope this helps.
Ditto all the previous posts. I would also like to share that it sounds like something we dealt with with my stepsons and one of their cousins. They have a cousin who is a couple of years older than them and has always been a bit of a bully toward them, especially the younger one (my stepsons are 13 months apart). And yet, in spite of this, they still wanted to hang out with him and we would always hear about what the cousin was saying, doing, etc. Not all bad stuff or complaints, just regular ordinary things - they basically still thought he was just so cool. This cousin is their mom's brother's kid, so how she dealt with it and them, I don't know. But when they were with us, and they said anything negative about their cousin or told us about how he called them this name, etc., we just asked them, "Well then why do you keep wanting to play with him all the time?" I realize that they are going to be around each other no matter what because of family gatherings, and we didn't want to upset their mom (though their mom seemed to agree that the kid could be a problem sometimes), but my reaction was to plant the seed in their heads that maybe their cousin wasn't the kind of person they should be looking up to so much if this was how he was going to treat them.
My stepsons are now 16 and 17 and they are starting to see things differently now. They still like their cousin and hanging out with him, but they also see that he isn't anyone they should be emulating. I'm not sure how much this helps, but I would say that it sounds like your son needs to realize that he deserves a friend that doesn't turn on him, and that he needs to start standing up for himself.
Is there any way you could see if you could get your son in a different class. I know boys are different than girls, but when i was that age i had a best friend just like that. I was very outgoing as a kid untill about 9. Then she stared being mean to me and bringing me down. We were best frinds, and sometimes we had a blast and a lot of times i was left in the dust basically. It lasted all through highschool, and i HATED school because of everything. I had no self confidence and it took a long time to get that back after school. I would say you need to help your son really stand up for himself and be confident and dont let that friend be mean. It will probably just get worse if it doesnt stop now. It doesnt take long for kids to get down and it is a lot harder to get that confindence back. It would be good if they could get in differnt classes so your son could make some different friends to and tell his buddy that he's not going to play if hes going to be mean. I bet if your son basically walked away and stood up to his buddy when he was being mean things would change quick. Good luck, and i hope you can find a good solution so your son doesn't get hurt.
my daughter and her best friend.. werre like this. this summer i kept them apart somewhat... and when she would ask to play... i made sure my daughter had other things to do... we only saw her about once a week.. and it was better.. it seemed they were together to much.. and would fight. i told the little girl i didn't like how she was acting... and it stopped.
