Son Stealing

Take something away from him. Stress how it feels to have something taken from you. He's ten he's drawing a line in the sand to see how far it will take you to send him back. Maybe ask him if he remembers someone doing the same thing to him. Is he in therapy?

He's a foster child. He's only ten. His life is hard enough. Go easy on him. The stuff doesn't matter as much as he does. Tell him it's not nice to steal but be kind about it. Being loving will teach him more than being punitive.

I cannot imagine how emotionally difficult it would be for foster children. It would be so hard for them to trust, and develope any sense of security. Know matter how much they love a family they are staying with. He knows it is only a temporary setting.

If it were my situation, I would tell him that you know about the theivery, and that you will trust him to give it back to his foster sister with a simple apology. Families don't steal from eachother............. instead, they ask to borrow.

He shouldn't just be thought of as a lost cause due to genetics. He is only 10 and there is still hope. He is at an age where he is developing a sense of himself. He needs the "tools" to co-exist with a family. Nobody has probably ever taught him those yet. Nobody has had him long enough to be consistent.

Thank you, D., for being one of the extremely loving families to open up your home to these children. We need more hearts like yours on this earth.

~N. :o)

I strongly disagree with some of the advice to be harsh or take him to the police department. That might be appropriate for a typical child, but not for one that has come from severe emotional trauma, which EVERY foster child has. MY DH and I adopted 2 children from an orphanage in Ukraine who both have severe post-traumatic stress. The only materials I have found helpful are those from Brian Post (www.postinstitute.com). He truly understands the effects of trauma and methods of helping these kiddos. Behavior managment doesn't work with these kids. Time outs and punishment don't work with these kids. Post makes a very profound statement when he says that traumatized children do not act out to get attention; they act out because they NEED attention. My two respond very well to his calming approach. The stealing stopped, the hiding of food stopped, and the outbursts have significantly declined with my two. When you change your way of thinking that you need to impose punishments and consequences to your need to provide calm, loving support and help in bonding and developing trust, miracles can happen. Traumatized children go into survival fight or flight so quickly and you need to help them understand nothing bad is going to happen to them. Post has a book specifically on stealing and lying.

You're a compassionate person to take on fostering a 10 year old.

S.

He must have a social worker who you could talk to about this. They should be able to give you the guidence you need. There is so much more to this question givin the fact this child has some past that I know nothing about. I would say all that has to be taken into account when coming up with a plan just for his needs. I think there is more to it then just stealing. That is just a symptom of whats really going on.Christmas can be a painful time for kids. It can be a reminder of what they don't have and I am not talking about stuff. Having been a foster child myself I can say this. I was a tester. I pushed the limits to see if people would give up on me and lable me. I don't have a clue what your childs situation is, how long he's been placed with you. But watch out for that. These kids often are used to being givin up on. Look deeper then the outward acting out. When you say the last straw dose that mean your close to throwing in the towel? God bless you for opening up your home . I think this question needs alot more back ground given the child.To many possible factors are contributing to this problem. Best wishes

I've worked with kids in foster care and group homes and can identify with a lot of their feelings myself. I can't say what motivated your kiddo to do this, but it is VERY common. I don't think punishment works because you're dealing with someone who probably already feels bad about himself. Punishment just validates his feelings of low self-worth. IMHO kids in this position need something that increases their feeling of security and purpose in life. They usually don't know how to find ways to do that themselves, so you have to help guide him to it. The most effective thing I can think of is art therapy. Enroll him in some kind of art or craft classes, and encourage what he ends up interested in. Give him space and time alone to work on it and feel good about what he's doing. But be careful b/c he could also have a lot of frustration in the beginning while he works on his technique and coordination. Help him find the patience to keep at it. I really think this is the key for kids who have difficult issues: learning to creatively express their feelings and have pride in something they can do. All the best to you and your whole family.

Dear D.,

Many people become foster parents in order to be able to stay home with their natural children and still derive extra income. If a foster child is being treated differently then the other children in the home (foster or natural), they will act out.

We can be sure something traumatic has happened to this child prior to coming to your home…. you know his background. Without knowing the little boys background, (i.e. how many foster homes he has been in, what happened with his natural parents that put him in a foster situation, and what the dynamics of your household are,I would definitely NOT recommend any type of police intervention, stealing something of his, or extreme disciplinary action at this time.

The mama that recommended letting him know that you “trust him” to return his sisters Christmas gift was right on track. Also talk with him about the other problems and let him know that there is no need to take things, if he needs or wants something he should come to you or his foster dad and just ask. If you able to give him what he asking for, you will and if you can’t, you can talk openly about why.

No matter how much one does for a foster child, they will always have an empty place in their little hearts because they have been hurt and abandoned. I salute you and the foster parents who take these children under their wings and show them what real loving families are about.

Blessings……

Dear D.,
I think you should definitely talk to his social worker about resources for counselling, etc. He may not even know why he steals. Or, it could be that he will say, "I saw something that I wanted, so I took it."
Either way, you have to try to get to the bottom of it and help him work through it. You didn't say how long he's been in the foster system or under what circumstances, but someone who knows the background should help you work on this.
I would be sure to let him know, along with any and all of your other children, that as long as you are under the same roof, you are a family. Families look out for one another and protect each other and don't harm or steal from one another. That may be a concept he has never been introduced to or had a reason to trust. I think he needs a lot of love and understanding. I'm all for tough love, but get the help of a professional with this. He may feel that in this life, it's either hurt, or be hurt and there is no in between. Hopefully, he can get turned around and find that there is so much more and there is a place for him in this world that is safe and happy and rewarding.
I wish you the very best. I really do.

Dear D.,
As a familt therapist, I recommend the 'team approach'. Sit down with your foster son and any father-figure he has and explain that 'you have a problem' (not that he is or has a problem) because he keeps stealing and tell him you want his help solving it. Let him know you will brainstorm ideas to stop it from happening again, write them all down, good or bad, then go back through the list and pick out the ones you want to try. Also let him know you'll be checking back in in a week/month (whatever seems appropriate) to see how your agreed on solution is working. He may be slow to give suggestions, so start with something outrageous like, 'We could buy a giant safe, and put the house in it, while we all sleep outside.' Then, when you've both suggested everything you can think of, go back through the list, find something you can both agree on (maybe locks on doors, maybe he can't close his door-- I don't know). If kids are involved in the solutions, instead of just having someone 'lay down the law' they're more invested in making them work. Also at this meeting, work together for a punishment if anything 'goes astray' again. I must agree with those who sided for patience and tolerance-- foster life is tough, he's young, and more likely he wants your attention and to know he's secure than whatever he's stolen.
Good luck!
Z.

He is testing you. Be consistent and loving. Talk to the social worker. Try hard to treat all the kids evenly. When you are really frustrated remember doing everything from a loving place could change his whole life. Sounds dramatic but it is true.

Have you talked to his social worker and asked for counciling for him? This service may be available through Medi-Cal since it is probably due to the treatment he received from his bio parent/s. He most likely experienced the loss of all of his belongings when he was removed from his home not to mention the ongoing instability of the home prior to the placement. I would suggest being very proactive regarding this and get him some help since if the behavior continues it could lead to long term consequences for him in the future. Punishment will most likely reenforce the behavior since it is most like the attention he received in his home of origin and as the saying goes "negitive attention is better than no attention at all."

Hi D.,
There is a book called Positive Discipline that has a section in it on the motivations of misbehavior. It might help you figure out why he's doing this. Maybe.

What does his case worker say about it?

Best of luck. Hang in there!

Hi D.
what we did was took our son back to the store he stole from Walmart and had a talk with the security officer and they took him into a small room and told him what happens when you steal and showed him pictures of people that stole and how they are never allowed back into the store again and that seemed to work for us
Best of luck your doin a great job
D. mom of 4

"steal" something that is important to him. Or take him down to the police station, and have them "help" you teach him a lesson. The punishment needs to be drastic or the message will just not get across.

Sometimes what gets labeled as "stealing" is actually a situation in which a child had not learned the boundaries between themselves and others. Other times with younger kids such as age 6 or 7 they are at the age where they are supposed to be still learning what is there's & what is someone else's. Most kids will do this at younger ages and the parent then brings them back to the store & has them give the item back to the staff. Your young man may not have had anyone to teach him this at a younger age or may have come from a chaotic environment. Helping him to develop empathy by discussing how this effects his foster sister and to work toward replacing the item can help him to learn correct boundaries. The best thing is to have him play a part in replacing and/or returning the item to his sister. I do not recommend taking things away from him as mentioned by others, as this might be his experience & what he is acting out from. R. F, MSW, LCSW

i recommend a book called troubled transplants....i think they specifically address this problem....

i once spoke with a foster mom on a plane who's child also stole,she thought it was genetic perhaps-the child was fine in every other aspect.keep trying though!athena

Are you fostering through the county or through an agency? As previously mentioned, your social worker should have some resources. Also, you might go to the past questions and check for advice. I specifically remember an adoptive mother asking about her daughter lying. There was some really good advice there. Her daughter was adopted as an older child I think 7 or 8. Adoptive children and foster children have similar issues.

Aside from that, my intuition tells me this child is looking for attention. Maybe not from you. I had a child in the second grade (8yo) who took things from her classmates. It was a real problem! Finally, we discovered through many class meetings, she wanted the children to talk to her. This was her way to accomplish that. We worked on getting the other children to include her and having her find other ways to gain their attention. It wasn't an end all to the problem, but it really helped.

D.,
My cousin enrolled her son in a program that the police dept. has for kids who do this. They have to check in weekly, and give details of what is going on and stuff like that. He may also be doing it for the attention. negative attention may be all he has ever gotten. Why did the foster sister not tell you she was missing her gift? Maybe the punishment was not stern enough to make an impression on him. You may have to resort to something else for punishment instead.
W. M.

Foster children have already been treated cruelly or harshly so punishments that would work on non-foster children are not going to work.

Remember, your son has special needs that your natural children do not have. This means you will need to work extra hard on being fair. Fair does NOT mean equal. Fair means assessing the needs of each individual child and then to act accordingly.