Dealing with a "Tween Shoplifter"

D.- I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe if you took her to the local police station and had an officer talk to her and show her where people go when they do bad things would scare her enough not to do it anymore.

Hi D.- Embarrassingly, I stole from stores for a while during my early teens. It was always with a particular friend, very exciting and we stole stuff we really wanted, not just for the thrill. We both stopped when I was very nearly caught with an article of clothing after an alarm went off. I was able to talk my way out of it and that was last time I ever did it. I still look back with shame and regret that I could have been such a jerk. That being said this sounds different from my all too common story. The fact that she is most likely doing it alone, to people she knows and taking stuff she can't possibly use in front of you makes it seem like it could be for attention. I have known girls over the years who took from friends and family under similar circumstances and it caused a lot of problems for them. In some people it's a compulsion that is very hard to control and has nothing to do with what they are stealing. I would approach it from the direction of helping her not punishing her. If she's quiet and otherwise a good kid the chances of it being psychological instead of just making poor choices is pretty high. I'd deal with it through love not anger. Good Luck.

I had some problems with one of my boys when he was a little younger. When he took something from a store, I would insist that he take it back, even if it was something that had been eaten, or broken, or had been "lent" to some other friend. I would take him into the store, and make him explain to the clerk or the owner that he had taken this, and was sorry he did it, and he wouldn't do it again. (And I would pay for it if it had been eaten or broken.) Of course, this was seriously embarrassing to him, especially if there were other people in the store. But during this time, I also made a point of talking A LOT about WHY we don't steal things --- first of all, because we wouldn't want other people to steal things from us, and we want to always try to treat other people the way we would like to be treated, and secondly, because once a person gets a reputation as a thief, they lose all their credibility with other people. I would try to talk about it as often as possible, and bring the subject up in as many different contexts as possible.

My son got over it, but one of the amazing things that happened was, when we brought something back to a store and went through the steps of explaining that he had stolen it, and was returning it, some people would pat him on the back, and say "Oh, that's okay, honey!" I would have to contradict them loudly and say No, it's NOT ok!

My oldest stepson began shoplifting at the age of 8 and finally quit his stealing habit in his late 20's (he's 35 now). He lived with me and his Dad. Our family counselor couldn't nail down the reasons either, but we're pretty cetain he did it because he could and his mother encouraged his bad behaviour (not just stealing unfortuneately). When he stole money, he had to pay it back, either from savings (which was made up of Birthday, Holiday $$ from family), or work. When he stole items, I took him back to the places he stole from and made him return the items to a store manager. He was so brazen that one day he walked into our local Alpha Beta grocery store, asked a clerk for a bag, went to the candy isle and filled the bag as full as he could carry and walked out the front door of the store with it. Needless to say I received a call from the store manager (he knew our family). When I confronted our son and got the stash he had hidden back, I made him return the goods ($125 worth) and pay for the 3-4 bags he had opened. I asked the manager to call police and press charges at the suggestion of our family counselor. The manager wouldn't do it saying something like it's ok he's basically a good kid. We arranged for a tour of Juvenile Hall with a police officer friend. Nothing worked, until as an adult as a manager of the business he worked for, he "borrowed" several hundred dollars "intending to pay it back", but failed to secure permission from his boss and was fired. He now has a son that is very much like he was. He's finally "got it" and cleaned up his act, but it's been a long hard road.
Make your daughter accountable for everything she steals, remove priviledges if necessary. At one point my son didn't had a door on his bedroom. Search her everytime she leaves your home and everytime she comes home, BEFORE she gets to her bedroom. Try talking to her about it. If you're lucky she'll open up. See if there's a "Tough Love" group in your area. That group was a huge help for me at one point.
I wish you the best of luck with this and I hope you can get through to your daughter.

Dear D.,
It's really good that you have a therapist for her to help you work this out. Trying to get to the bottom of why she would steal or lie is going to be a key to getting her to stop.
I think all kids "take" things, but usually when they're younger and don't realize that you have to pay for things. My son was a really little guy when I realized he'd lifted some gum from the grocery store. I took his little butt back in and made him give it back and apologize. He was very young so he didn't understand it was stealing. When I was in high school, I was shocked at the number of girls who stole things all the time and actually bragged about it. There was a whole group of them. Their parents had money. I guess it was like the Theft Club or something. I don't know.
But what I do know is that the older your daughter gets, the more trouble she'll be in not if, but when she gets caught and that's something that needs to be made very clear to her. If she needs attention, there are other ways to get it without ending up in juvenille hall.
It may be a compulsion, it may be that she feels slighted in some way and that's her way of making things feel even as far as what she think she deserves. It's hard to tell. Hopefully between you and the therapist, you can get it worked out. It's better to get it stopped now than to have to deal with it later.
Make sure she knows you love her - it's the behavior you don't like.

I wish your family the very best!

It is really common for tweens to steal but this sounds like she is doing it alone and a deeper issue. I don't agree with the tough love approach expecially if she's a sensitive child. Definitely work with her therapist on this one. Hope it passes soon!

D.,
I work in grocery retail and when we caught a boy stealing his parents made him stand in front of the store with a sign for every one to see that said he got caught shop lifting. That pretty much cured him. I would have her take the things back to where she got them from and find out what she can do for restitution.
But is this a cry for help or attention?
W. M

Just curious if this daughter is one of your adopted children. I am an adoptive mother also, and remembering back to the training our agency required of us we were told that hoarding, stealing, shoplifting may occur. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would seek help from the therapist or social workers if the child is one of your adopted children.

My daughter was a shoplifter when she came to live with me as a teen and got caught the first time. Apparently, she had never been caught while living with her dad. She was arrested and had to appear at the Sheriff's Dept where they scared the hell out of her and she never did it again. She was also grounded for a very long time at home.

If you are aware that she is shoplifting, then you need to go with her back to the store and make her apologize and return or pay for the item out of her own $. She needs to also be punished by you... you cannot let this go. If she is stealing from you or your husband, she needs to be confronted and punished. If this isn't working... tough love needs to be implemented. Have her arrested... it may be the only way to wake her up.

My friends and I had a stealing "club" when were were 12 and 13. We would go into jewelry stores and steal rings, mostly. Getting caught once was all it took for me to stop. I buried the goods in my backyard and when I tried to find them a couple of years later I never could. The reason we stole was simply because it was fun, and we were unsupervised. It really wasn't any deeper than that.

Based on that, I think you should be very firm in telling her that you know she steals things, and don't accept any lies/excuses.

However, it is more of a concern that she is stealing from you as well - that usually represents a deeper issue than a kid who steals only from stores. That's something for the therapist to dig into.

If you are certain it is really her (not a frame up by a sibling, perhaps), my question is WHY? What is her motivation? Of course, some people feel a compulsion to do this, and the fact that she is keeping the items (not giving away or selling or trading) makes me think this compulsion may be the case. Otherwise, some kids steal because they just want it for themselves (why would she want a wedding ring?), for money (to buy things, or drugs--probably not at age 11), or for attention (to impress their friends/make new friends, or worry their parents so they will be more interactive with them).
Since she has a therapist, I would let the therapist take the lead on how to handle this. Maybe the whole family can have a group therapy session together, to talk about this with her.

when I was a little kid my baby brother use to steal as an adult I realize he had a very serious problem which is an Inbalance Chemical in the Brain which he currently being treated with medication. He was doing the stealing for attention. So not sure if this is your biological child or adopted child you might want to have her check out to see why she is stealing. Do you think it's drugs? What does she do with the items or money that she lift?

Hi D.
My child did that one time we were at Walmart out of town and when we got the the car we noticed that my son had Pokemon cards in his hands we asked did he steal that he said no so we took him into the store found the manger and we told the manger and they took him into a room yes we were there the whole time with him and wow they told what happens how it happens and we even got an officer to help us
and from that day forward he has never stole again
good luck
ps. in our house we say this tell us the truth and no problems lie to us and your going to have major problems and with our 4 kids that huge they have had to tell us some hard truths but they did and we dealt with it by first praising them that they told the truth and then we talk about the problem and try to fix the problem no matter what it is
Good Luck
Danielle Mom of 4