Stealing at Age 11 - Port Orange,FL

My boyfriend and I just discussed this post. We both came up with the same thing. If he is adamantly refusing that he 'stole' the phone and saying that the other boy may have, he MIGHT be telling the truth. Did he come home and show you the phone right away? Or did you find it in his room? If he came to you, he did the right thing. "Mom, I found this, what do I do with it?" If this is the first time it has happened, give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't let it slide, but don't be too harsh on him. Tell him that if it happens again, there will be consequences. Good luck!

I don't know the answer and don't know what I would do exactly in your shoes. I have an 11 yr old son myself. He is a good boy, too, and though he is not perfect, and has a little attitude now and then, typical stuff for his age, I would be mortified and dumbfounded if he were to steal something. Much like I'm sure you were.

My husband is the type to do exactly what you have done, and more... make him take it back to the owner and explain and apologize, etc.

None of us wants to think our kids could do something like that.. but they are still kids trying to figure stuff out about people, relationships, the value of things, and also testing limits and consequences in a way far different than the 3 yr old "testing" that we used to be familiar with.

I would ask him some private conversation with him and ask questions (not in anger) about WHY he took it. What was it about it that made him want to have it? If he wanted to have it so badly, what kept him from asking his friend about it? or did he ask his friend and didn't like the answer? What else might he have done if he could do it all over again? What would he do differently? Does he still think the phone was worth taking? What if his friend doesn't want to be friends with him anymore b/c he can't trust him? How does that make him feel? What if his friend took something (he values highly) from HIM? What would he want to do about it? Would he think very highly of his friend anymore? What does he think he can/could do to help earn back his friend's trust? Does he trust all of his own friends to the same extent? Why or why not? How do you build trust? What is a reputation? How do you EARN a good one? Why does that matter?

That kind of conversation.... Don't supply the answers. Let him figure out what he thinks about it. Not necessarily trying to make him feel bad, but trying to help him sort things out ...so that he will think a little longer the next time he is tempted by something. He may notice that it IS a temptation for starters. Yes, it is a chance to teach. But some things cannot be taught, so much as learned. This may be a very hard lesson for him, if his friend doesn't take this very lightly - and some kids DON'T take these things very seriously, so be careful there. His friend may laugh it off (doubt his parents are laughing though). If so, then you can even query your son about what his friend's lack of "concern" about it says about him (the friend). (not shifting blame here or pointing out someone else's faults--- just trying to have your son examine how people's values work).
Hang in there.
"Bring up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." It doesn't mean he won't test out the other roads in between youth and old age. :)

God bless.

Punish the stealing because that is wrong but do NOT ignore the reason he may have done so. Couple reasons could be (1) for attention (2) to be "like" Mike attitude-wanting what the Jones's have (3) temptation to test if he would get caught-it simply looks good. So after your punishment which fits his crime and I think yours was fine for that, then teach him self control, give him attention he needs and trust him next time to do the right thing. If he senses you are going to treat him like a liar and a thief, he might become just that. Let him know what he did was wrong, but don't begin to class him as a criminal. TEACH him the better way!. Good luck.

Sometimes smart people make stupid choices. If you say he's never done anything like this before, then this time getting caught trying out something dumb may nip that behavior before it would become something you really need to worry about.
I would have chosen the same punishment you doled out. Stick with your punishment and then when he is returned to full privileges back, try not to harp on the issue. Let him grow and learn from this experience and hopefully he'll not try it again.
My oldest boy did things like that a few years back. He had that middle child thing going on and was feeling like he didn't know where he fit in. We've gotten past it and so will you. Just remember to not keep bringing it up in the future because it will make him feel like he really is a bad kid and he would be more inclined to do it again. You have to make sure he knows that he is smarter than that. If he feels like that behavior is beneath his character, he won't continue to do it.
Good luck and hang in there.

I understand your feelings but this about your son and his behavior. He stole and he lied. Perhaps he needs some attention he feels he is not getting, or is still learning right from wrong. Regardless,

You did perfectly right to take him back to the other house to face his victim. You did right to take his toys from him. You want him to think, so at a quiet time discuss this event quietly and calmly, with your husband there also, and then conclude the conversation with, "What lesson did you learn?" Make him state his errors. "I'm dissappointed in you, son, and I want you to promise me that you have learned your lesson and that it won't happen again." Make him promise.

It is very important to remain calm and serious throughout this. If you or your husband gets excited rather than stays calm and in control, your son will shut out the lessons you are teaching. Make your son want to do good, rather than not to do bad again.

Stick with your punishment. If you said No TV, Computer, for how ever long, then stick with it.
He'll learn. Please do not be angry; but understanding that "people make mistakes"; and he is people...
Forget getting too stressed. You are a MOM and people, too.

E.,
I have always tried to raise my children "right" too, My son will be 10 tomorrow and he steals but not in the same way (Yet). He steals from me. It is always the things he has been told no to. Then when I am asleep he gets up and takes it. Every now and then I will have a room raid and find it. He gets punished, I explain over and over why it is wrong and he understands perfectly well, but still does it. He has hardly any impulse control. I worry about it getting worse as he gets older.

From what you have said in your post you have done a great job so far. Making him take it back was a perfect consequence. Bravo. Maybe he is just testing the boundaries as he enters the pre-teens early. Was he dared by another student, has he asked for a cell phone before, is he trying to keep up with his peers? There are so many things that they can experience once they leave for school, I am having some bullying issues to deal with too.

I think talking calmly to you son will eventually reveal the motivation behind it, you say he is a good kid other than this, so keep up the good work.

Kind regards
M. F

Did you ever stop to think that maybe he is telling the truth and that someone might want him to be in trouble? I had a simular circumstance with my nephew. But come to find out later after he was grounded two weeks with no tv, phone, sports, etc... The other boy was caught stealing something else from their house. Please do not be to quick to assume that your son is not telling the truth. Because he honestly just might be.

Dear E.,
I can understand how you feel. It is heartbreaking when you are trying to raise the kids and teach them all the values and stuff. I have three boys too and last year my 7 year old said that he "found" the pencils (smelly ones .. they were selling at school) and sometimes he "finds" the money like 25 cents .. the first time I was so mad and upset and hurt, I strated crying .. I talked to them - a lot. I took the things back to school .. and twice, it was true that they had really find it at school playground (other children confirmed it). I asked them to put the money in Charity bowls at the restaurant.. so they can't have any stuff, if they find it. I tell them that it does not belong to them so if they find it anywhere, they need to find the owner and if they can't, they have to tell me before I find it in their backpacks or pockets. My 9 year old last year took the pin and a flag from Germany exhibit at Epcot .. I took it to security and made him return it .. my problem is the same .. they always "FIND" it .. and I ask them how come I never find any penny and you find all this stuff. I tried to scare them also and asked the police what happens to people who steal. I told them with love that how will they feel if their things go missing. I have no real advice for you as no matter what I do, I see one of my child repeating some kind of stealing after few months -- I am also at the end of the rope because my husband gets mad and asks -- Where are they learning all this stuff. I really don't understand this. Otherwise they are good kids and in school they are always praised for their manners. I talked to school social worker and psychologists and they said that most kids go through this stage, but it is very hard for me..I would love to see the advice you get.
Thanks .. and as mothers all we can do is give them love and right advice and pray to god that they become good persons.

It is still possible that the other boy did drop it when he left. I think I would figure out first who owns the phone and then find out where it might have been. Did you look at the phone directory? Call the last number dialed? Does it definitely belong to the other boy? Did you ask him where he lost it? Like other people have asked, did your son bring it to your attention right when he walked in or did he hide the phone from you?

My son once told me he found a DS game on the ground at school and we thought he stole it from another kid. As it turned out, they had made a trade (with my son getting the better end of the deal) but he didn't want to tell me he had taken advantage of a younger kid.

Hello E.,
It sounds like he lied because he might have felt guilty for his actions and had to cover them up. Talk to him, a lot. Dont get mad or angry at him, listen to him, let him tell you how he feels. Even if its not about the cell phone he stole, but just to talk. A little conversation to get his attention and he just might tell you the truth. I think your punishment was a little much, but you should stick to it. Maybe instead of a letter of how it was wrong, he might want to also appologize to his friend for taking his phone. Explain to him that his friend is upset by his taking his phone, and if someone took (your xbox or phone) you would be upset too. Try to be understanding and not to show him your mad or disapointed in him. He probably already knows that because he's in trouble for what he did. After he is finished with the letter I wouldnt bring it up anymore, drop it and if his siblings say anything mention that he is a good kid and everyone makes mistakes. Your a wonderful mom, so dont think this is your fault, and he sounds like a wonderful young man.
Best of luck,
T.

Gosh, I could never be in more disagreement than with Linda. I think the punishment fits the crime and that you are correct in what you did. What would happen if he decided to steal from a store? They wouldn't ask him to write a paper on how wrong it is. It needs to get nipped in the bud and now is the perfect time.

I used to be that little boy (the stealing part, not the boy part). I stole and lied about it. I got caught and grounded for a month (really hit on, but that is another story). I used to steal from stores and never got caught there. But whenever I brought the stuff home, I would get in big trouble. Maybe I was crying out for attention, IDK. It doesn't matter - it's WRONG. He is going through a phase where he is testing the limits, trying to find out what he can get away with... even if he is your good boy. Good boys still make bad choices. My husband was Mr. Honor Roll and Mr. Sports Team and Mr. Go-to-church-with-mom, etc. He has made a few bad choices during school.

I also grew up in a house where my mom's husband stole on a consistant basis from stores. He was arrested once in front of us and was banned from that store. See where I am going with this?

I say give him shock therapy. Bring him to a mission and have him volunteer for a day's worth. He will learn the values that are needed to be a productive adult.

Good luck with whatever you do.

first i would emplain the consequences to him about the law.then i would ask him how would he like other people to take his stuff.how would he feel.and that it is wrong to steal.then if all else fails he needs counciling.best of luck and god bless you and son.C.

Are you sure he lied? Did he come to you with the phone, or did you find it yourself?? If you are certain he lied, then i believe you have taken the right steps to make him think twice before he takes anything else not belonging to him..... Best wishes!!

Ok, tell him that if he found it on the street, still he KNEW is wasn't his, so no matter which it wasn't his
Now he needs to make up the damage for what he did .
Ask him, and then let him do it-to make up the damage to his friend, to you and his family, and when he has done enough you'll know and he'll feel better.
Our oldest at 15 took a family car and drove and wrecked it- believe me it took alot of making up the damage, but she did.
Also check YokaReader. com- we get alot of tips from her, or write me and I'll share more.
best, k

How will taking away privileges teach this boy anything about taking things that don't belong to him, or the ethics of ownership?

How will writing a paper on this teach him what to do differently next time he takes a mis-step or is tempted by something?

The purpose of these exercises is to punish, not to teach. One unfortunate side effect of punishment is the creation of a deep and lasting desire to avoid getting caught again. Rather than a deep and lasting desire to avoid stealing or lying again, which is supposed to be the point, right?

One power that parents often underestimate is the power of their natural reaction to change a child's behaviour. Your son wants your love and approval, and when he does something like this that is SO far away from getting it, the disappointment in your face speaks volumes. If you let it.

When parents don't trust the power of their natural reaction, and instead seek to control what a child thinks about something, or attempt to 'make him pay' for something that has no real cost associated, they inadvertently step into the role of 'perpetrator'. A minute ago, the boy felt bad about what he'd done, the fact that he'd lied and the complications of getting caught. That could have ended in a powerful lesson... but instead, now he feels oppressed, disliked, tormented and hurt. Now, to him, it's all about how he's a victim --how it's not fair, how you're mean, how no one listens to him. He has been moved from a place where he can regret (and admit regret) about his actions to a place where he must not only defend himself against you, but must continue to deny the actions in order to attempt to regain your love, because clearly stealing=no love.

Parents need to give children room to understand what they've done, space and time to see why we think stealing and lying are wrong --including your real reaction to feeling betrayed and not trusting your child. That is powerful, nearly overwhelming stuff for a child, all by itself. Without the need to staple on anything punitive.

I also believe that what you've asked him to do, and what he's had taken away are disproportional to the 'crime' --first, because it's a first offense (one strike, you're out) and second because it leaves no latitude for when he gets caught dealing drugs or injures someone. What is left to do for something more serious, shoot him?

Above all else, the critical issue for parents is staying in a position of influence in a child's life, as the child navigates the difficult complexities of temptation, unsupervised time, and ethics. To stay in a position of influence, the child must see the parents as 'on his side,' and loving him no matter what he does. The willingness to guide and correct mis-steps and mistakes needs to be something a child can see his parents have... this requires understanding his actions, his thinking and his struggles. Not punishing his actions, his thinking or his struggles.

if he's such a great kid, why do you think he's lying? he's never done it before, why start now? are there issues going on in school, home, etc. that would make him start now for attention? obviously we don't want our children to steal, but maybe your being to harsh with the punishment, when he's adamantly telling you he is not the one who took it. you can't really prove it unless he comes out and tells you he did it.