We received a note on our son's log (he is 4 years old) that children in his age group were engaging in "inappropriate play" and asked us to speak to our children. As a rule, they never name the children involved. However, I asked the teacher if my son was involved. She said that he always seems to be on the outskirts just "taking everything in" but did not seem to be participating. Of course, I told her that we would speak to him at home. She said that she knew we would but, unfortunately, did not believe that the parents of the "instigators" would do so - leading me to believe she knew EXACTLY what was happening and with whom.
So, when we got home I intended on having the good touch/bad touch talk to prepare my son to protect himself. When I began asking about what was happening at school, he said he couldn't tell me because it was "gross". I assured him that I was his mommy and he could tell me anything. He then told me that one of the little boys in the class told him to close his eyes. When he did, the little boy reaching into his pants and pulled out his privates. He said it "tickled" and was "gross". Then he told me the little boy took turns doing it to my son and a little girl until a teacher saw and stopped him.
I want to throw up It being a holiday weekend, we can't do anything about it until Tuesday - at which point my husband is going up to speak with the director. I guess I have 2 questions - what do I say to my son and what do we say to the director? Thanks!
My husband went up to speak with the director and she was on vacation. My son's teacher asked if she could help. When he told her it was "big" she asked if it was about Friday. When he said yes, she got another teacher who was on afternoon shift that day. Although it seems they were aware that some "inappropriate play" was going on (apparently, they had already attempted to take steps such as taking the door off a play treehouse so that the kids could not hide as well from the teachers), they were shocked to hear what had happened to my son and said they would contact the director immediately and have her call me. My husband "warned" them that she had better not call me until she had a solution.
I had not heard from her by the time I picked up my sons, and a couple of the teachers asked if I had gotten a call yet. From what I can tell, the director had done a bit of investigating/talking to teachers all day. I didn't get a call until 8:30 pm when I was told that the child would be asked to leave. Apparently, this was not the first time that he was removed from the daycare due to his behavior as she referenced "last time" they gave the parents a week to find new placement. I told her that my children would not return until this child was gone - for their own safety. She agreed and said she would call the next morning as soon as she spoke with the parents.
I ended up calling her in the afternoon as I needed to know if I had to make alternate arrangements for my children. The other child was removed immediately. However, the parents are threatening a lawsuit saying that it never happened and that the daycare was targeting their child because he has been a problem in the past. Ugh. (For the record, when I spoke with my son, it was very general as I had no idea of any specifics or any inkling that something that serious had happened to him. He was the one who brought up the child's name)
I would be up there and letting the Director know that if she hasnt reported this kind of behavior yet that you will be reporting them to Children and Youth!
The best part it is a holiday and the worst part it is a holiday. First is gives you time to cool down and take perspective even though you want to deal with this immediately. Most 4 year olds are "investigating" rather doing anything "sexual" that is the also the good news. The good touch/bad touch talk is a good one, but add on to that what to do when that happens. Be sure to keep it very low key and calm. He will take all his cues from you. If you freak out, so will he. Assure him that you love him no matter what he needs to share with you and that will never change. Don't over obsess on it either. Answer on the questions he asks, when he asks them and have your discussions when things are quiet and not stressful.
When you go in to talk to the director, investigate rather than accuse. Find out the whole scoop. Right now you are operating on a note and a 4 year old's view point. I am not saying that you child's feelings aren't important, what I am saying is that you need facts. Tell them what your child told you and that you would like to know more about what happened. Be calm and factual. Think before you go in what you want out of the meeting. Do you want the other child helped and taught? Do you want the other child expelled? Will the same go for your child?
Many years ago our daughter was in trouble at daycare for hitting and actually damaging another child's nose. She was just 4. Upon investigation the little boy she hit kept pulling up her dress until he finally pulled down her panties. She whopped him one and actually broke his nose. She was the one who got into trouble. We approached the director as investigators, not accusing, but wanting to help our child. We ended up meeting with the little boy's mom who ended up thanking us. Come to find out this behavior had been going on for several weeks on the playground. Time out wasn't working, notes weren't working, but neither had very direct communication with the parents be done either. Neither child was kicked out, but neither were there further problems. I was proud of my daughter for standing up for herself, and we probably prevented a little boy from growing up thinking he could treat girls poorly. It wasn't just my husband and I - it was the director, teacher and all the parents because we worked together.
I wish you the best and hope you can try to enjoy your time with your family.
S.
I agree with the other moms... I'd calmly say that our bodies are private and it isn't ok to touch other people where their underpants are or have anyone touch you there except for M & D,etc... But I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it because you don't want to traumatize your kid and make what happened worse than what it was.
As for the daycare, I'm not sure how this happened to not only one kid but two without a teacher seeing. Are they not that well supervised? Teachers know who the likely troublemakers are at daycare and should never have their eyes off of them. I also think that it is possible-- though not certain-- that the kid doing this may be having bad things happen at home. My take would be that if the daycare is taking this seriously and putting appropriate steps in place to deal with it, I'd watch and wait. But if you feel like it is not being taken seriously, I'd find somewhere else.
That's fantastic that your son could tell you what happened. Obviously you have to have the good touch/bad touch discussion - these are your private parts; only mommy/daddy/the dr is allowed to touch and this is only to help you clean/check if something's wrong; if anyone tries to touch you, say no and tell a teacher and mommy/daddy ASAP. Don't scare him, just tell him.
As far as the daycare, you are right - the teacher knows exactly what's going on. You need to talk to the director, let her know what your son told you and ask them how they are going to handle it. Just having the kids parents talk to him is not acceptable. They need to talk to the boy about unacceptable behavior and be diligent about keeping an eye on him. (I wouldn't push for punishment as this 1- may have been innocent and 2- if it's not, the boy is being touched inappropriately himself.) Give them a day or so and then ask them what they have done. If they don't do anything or give you a bunch of legalese, get your son out of there ASAP.
I'm so sorry this happened. My daughter is 2 and I just dread something like this happening. It's great that you have established such a trusting relationship with your son. You're already doing a great job.
Hi T., I just wanted to send you a hug and say you are a great momma. I was also at the end of such a thing as a 4 year old girl on a school bus. I told my mom I was being teased and hit, but could not share with her i was touched... As an adult, I do not know how the bus driver did not see. In any event, kudos to you for having a relationship with your son where he can share, and for doing something about it..
Again, you are a great momma.
Jilly
I like what the other moms have said so far. Definitely talk to your son - there are books at the library to help you deal with these conversations. I would talk to the school and do your best to make sure that boy gets help. I don't know who's touching HIM like that, but I'd be worried that HE's being subjected to "inappropriate play" himself and needs help. He does need to be stopped from doing this, but he needs to be helped even more.
Take care!
I would be worried about the little boy who is engaged in this type of inappropriate behavior. Just let your son know it is not his fault. I would be very upset too. Tell him if that ever happens again to tell the child to stop and to tell the teacher. Let him know that nobody should not touch him that way. I would tell the director exactly what happened. Why did it take so long for the teacher to see what was going on? I would want to either take my child out of that day care or have that kid taken out of there. I really feel bad but you are strong and can handle it. Just be honest and open with you child and the director.
You are right on track! Have the good touch/bad touch discussion and the rule is that NOBODY except mom and dad or a doctor have the right to touch your son EVER at this point.
I would discuss this with him while he is quietly doing something else...maybe taking a bath would be appropriate. I think he is too young to sit down face to face and discuss. He may get uncomfortable and prefer to be doing something else.
You need to send him daycare as usual on Tuesday (if he wants to go) and go to the office and speak to them immediately. Stay calm, explain what happened. I am sure what happened did happen, but if they try to blow it off, make it VERY clear that you will not tolerate this and that if they don't have enough supervision in their program to keep children from doing this, then they need to hire more to keep children SAFE.
I can't believe they used the term "inappropriate". That could mean anything. At least your 4 year old told you. I would also make a point of telling him what a great job he did of telling you something that obviously made him uncomfortable.
Sorry, mama! This would have pissed me off and made me sick to my stomach.
The school also needs to speak DIRECTLY with the parents of the other child. Could certainly be just typical kid stuff (I played doctor with my cousins), but it could also be an indication of other things: molestation, that child being exposed to sexual activities, etc. Hopefully it is just "child's play" and the parent's will be able to have a discussion with their son about it.
Good luck!
Hi, T.:
I would suggest having a restorative conference with the parents and children of the participants.
It needs to be addressed in a restorative circle meeting.
Hope this helps. D.
be calm first of all.....
talk to your son and let him know that no one is allowed to touch his privates. and let him know why on a 4 year old level-not too much detail!!
let the director know that you have talked to your son and this is what he told you. be honest about your feelings and how you feel about the other parents.
children don't learn this just out of the blue -some where they were taught this or saw someone else doing this.
