Son in the Middle of a Friendship Triangle - Any Advice?

GrammaRocks is right on. I suggest that you're trying to hard and turning this into too big of a deal. Your son will be having similar situations the rest of his life and he'll learn different ways of handling it as he ages.

I suggest that you sympathize with him. Then you ask him what he thinks he can do or what he'd like to do. Tell him he can be friends with both of them. Tell him the situation is difficult but not a big deal. That kids do this all the time and that you know he'll be able to figure it out. Give him the power to manage on his own with your support. You're there to sympathize and for him to bounce ideas off of. But giving him the answer doesn't work because you're not him or the other boys.

Your son is too young to be able to navigate preventing hurt feelings. In reality I think we as a society focus too much on not hurting feelings. I suggest it's reasonable for you son to tell A that he's playing with B now and will play with him later. Truthfulness told kindly always works. If someone takes offense it's their problem. We all have to learn to take care of ourselves and not expect others to pussy foot around us.

I also suggest that you talk with his teacher. She sees them everyday and will have a better idea about what is going on. I suggest that she's already helping them navigate their relationships.

Friendships are hard. I would stop acknowledging how annoying the situation is and ask him what he can to about it, this is how they handle it in my guy's preschool so the children can learn to deal with things on their own and develop socially. Use it as a learning situation for him.

If B suddenly decided he didn't want to play with your son or moved away next week, A might look pretty good as a friend, so continue to encourage your son to be kind whatever he decides to do, but do let him find the solution. Ask if he feels he can say to A he just wants to play with B at a given time, that would allow him to see A's reaction. Perhaps he will need to accept playing with the two at the same time, or risk losing a friend. Shark infested waters, I know.

The good thing is they can both sit next to him on either side, and one can stand in front and behind him, remind him of that, it may stop A and B's fighting over him if they see they can both be his friend.

this is a very, very, very common scenario. kids all over the world are figuring out how to deal with this around this age.
it doesn't mean you should ignore it, but please don't over-dramatize it or try to prophylactically manage his friendships for him.
rather than advise him, help him work it through himself. ask him leading questions, role play a variety of possible scenarios, ask him to look at things he's tried and think of what has worked and what hasn't.
there are rarely 100% perfect solutions in life. help him work through for himself how to do the best in this situation for HIM. what works for one kindergartner may not work for another. this is a great opportunity to empower him and make him more confident as he faces the social challenges of the next few years.
khairete
S.

According to Bowen theory, triangling happens in all of our relationships. Triangles overlap, too. The way we deal with them is to set healthy boundaries. This is important to learn young, because it sets the tone of how we'll allow people to treat us in the future.

My mom, my sister and I have a pretty long history of triangled relationship interactions. My sister will tell my mom things, and then I'll hear about my sister's issues from my mom (usually with an underlying tone of "why don't know know about this???" from both).

I finally got to the point where I stopped responding to my mom's messages about my sister. If my sister wants me to know something, she'll call me. I'm not a mind reader.

It's very easy to be passive aggressive in these situations. Passivity leads to an unhealthy triangle.

Anyhow, the point is that your son will have to set some boundaries. Without passivity. Perhaps he tells them "I'll play and sit with A on Monday and Wednesday, and B on Tuesday and Thursday. We'll flip a coin for Friday (or all play together)." Regardless, it's time to be innovative and set boundaries, so that A and B can't just walk all over your son in their jealousy.

Best,

C. Lee

I'm glad you're trying to schedule some one-on-one time with just the two boys. I think that would help. If you have too much trouble coordinating the schedule, be upfront with the mom about the triangle, and that you are trying to give them some time without the other boy in order to help both of your sons.

Dawn

Hi, T T:

This is a great opportunity to teach your child and the other boys how to respect each others needs.
If you could invite both boys over and have a circle of friendship,
you could become the mediator.

Here are some questions to ask Boy A:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Then ask your son and Boy B these questions:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

If Boy A can't come over, then ask your son and Boy B the questions so then can come up with a solution on what needs to happen to make things right.

Good luck.
D.

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