Moms of Grown/Older Children Who Have "Been There" for Relationship Advice....

Hey sweetie...STAY OUTTA IT. I'm so not trying to preach or anything because I'm a kid myself but my momma tried to do that once and just messed stuff up even more by trying to help out my constant moping, unhappy self. Now I'm 23 and still ask her for relationship advise and shes smart enough now to just tell me 'NO' Shes a young woman, she will be in love and outta love probably more times than you can count. Or will want to count. If her and her 'ex's' I shall say that loosely but it sounds like it will happen sister were close then they will still be close. Its not up to you to decide how your daughters love life will turn out. She makes her happy ending and it takes a few dragons and dark knights along the way for her to find that happiness. Be there, her shoulder to cry on, buy her ice cream, listen to the teenage angst music with her. But keep that distance or you may just shove her away.

I agree that you may be a little too involved in the relationship. As far as you being close/friends with his family is perfectly fine. I dont see why your daughter would not stay friends with his sister or why you could not stay friends with his parents, you are adults right? Unless you feel you would hold something against his mother if they broke up, then you can expect the same in return. Please dont be upset with this boy, he is still a child and already has your daughter to deal with (not that shes hard to deal with) but it may push him away more if he has to answer to you as well.
Trust me, she is going to get her heart broken more than once, and this will be a life learning experience. I know its hard for you to see her hurting but she is going to have to learn to fight her own battles and deal with her own relationships. Im not saying as her mother you cannot give her relationship advice because you should, but I think getting involved on the boys end is a big no no!
Anyways, I think everyone will be fine once it all blows over, no need for any family battles. Good luck!

***Hi, Me again, I would like to edit my response to disagree with Kathy L's response. I do have to nicely disagree with some things she said. Your not married until your married. This statement is true, as far as being one with God, filing your taxes jointly, same bank accounts.....etc etc. But I will have to say that I think its very wrong to teach our sons that they do not need to have responsibility in relationships! That they can go out and do whatever they want without accountibility or respect? Yes I realize a teenage boy is never required to be tied down to one girl, especially if the relationship is going badly, but if they willing started the relationship they do have responsibilty for someone elses feelings has well. I have learned that it takes a REAL STRONG man to be a good husband and father, which includes being respectful, responsible, and have a heart for goodness sakes!
NO, I do not want my son to be weak and let someone walk all over him, as I dont want him to do that to someone else. But to tell a young man he doesnt have to be responsible for other peoples feelings isnt right to me.
I dont know if Im understanding you wrong, but if your not "Married until you married" does that means its ok for him to cheat on his fiance or have no responsibilty to her??? I dont think so!

I would also like to add that my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and we are doing just dandy, he is an amazing, wonderful, strong daddy and husband.

Stay out of it, don't even side with your daughter, you will never know the entire story and it will play out better without your input. Let your daughter know that you will support her decision, but let her know that you will always be friendly with the boy, then make an effort to treat him as you always have. I'm saying this because you will never know if they will break up then get back together and you might regret something you said later.
I've seen my sister-in-law have to eat her words after saying something about her daughter-in-law. Also I've watched my mother-in-law ruin several of her daughter's relationships by getting in the middle. Stay out of it, if it was meant to be it will be, she's still young. If she doesn't get defensive with the boy when they do break up it shouldn't ruin the friendships she has with others around her.

Good Morning, The other 3 Mama's ( Ruth, Kecia, Terri )thinking is on the same page as mine. Do Not get involved in your daughters relationships. My Mom tried that, I had nice friends but they never met her * expectations?* I knew when the relationships had gone stale but the more she bad mouthed them the more I held on to spite her. And the More she talked well of them the less I liked them. Go Figure. LOL
Only One I kept in my heart was the man I eventually married 38 yrs ago.

Your a Mom, not a girlfriend to your daughter. If she needs your advice or shoulder be there. Don't check with or speak with his family to try and wiggle out information. Wrong Wrong Wrong!!!

As we grow older and mature, our expectations, wants, likes dislikes change. Just like in marriage, our Wild romantic love changes from what it was like in the beginning. Some times we move from the fluttery bubbly feelings to thinking, Well it's ok if you work an hour longer.. YES!!
Or It's ok if you stop by Jim's or Tom's on the way home !! YES.. Alone time.. Ahhhhhhhh lol

Feelings come and go, don't try and manipulate the out come, let her make her own choices / mistakes, have heart breaks. The Only time you should step into any relationship is if it becomes abusive and/or life threatening. Then the Mama bear steps in with claws bared.

When she / he goes to college she will meet other handsome Prince's, with a few frogs thrown in. He will meet other Princess's, with some rotten eggs in the batter.

They need to be who they are and let them decide where their relationship goes.
There's no reason you can't stay friends with the other Mama if you keep it a friendship and not a kibitzing fact finder.

I wish you well RW, be the mama not the BFF
God Bless
K. Nana of 5
PS there were 3 mama's when I started writing, boys came 30 minutes early...lol Breakfast going on now.. :) Good advice other 2 mama's

Being the mother of three grown daughters, all I can tell you is, you were correct when you said you know it isn't your place to say anything.

It's not easy to stand on the sidelines and watch one of your children get hurt, but it is these life experiences that they have that make them into the wonderful grown ups that they become.

As a mother it is instinctive to protect our children from harm rather it's emotional or physical - BUT - sometimes all we can do is be there for them when they need us.

As far as your friendships that you have made, hopefully the people you have the friendships with will be "grown up" enough to realize the issues are between your daughter and this boy, and they will leave you out of the mix.

Good Luck!
N.

Your mistake was becoming friends with so many people on the periphery of this relationship. I know a mom who actually has friendships with her daughter's current and even old boyfriends, and it's very messy if not downright inappropriate. It's too late to stay out of it as you're already in the middle of the entire thing. I'm guessing the two would have broken up long ago had it not been for entanglement of so many relatives. However, since both appear to be ready to move on, you ought to be able to minimize hard feelings. As an outsider, I would advise your daughter to break up with the boy. Tell him that she can tell that he no longer wants to be a couple by his behavior and that she's ready to move on too. That it's her wish that they and all of the family members can remain friends and get beyond the petty feelings that often rear their ugly heads in these kinds of situations. And what someone said about him wanting her to do the breaking up, that could be true. My son, when he was a teenager, told me that he always let the girl break up with him, because he found that they were then able to remain friends.

Good morning!! After reading your post, I felt compelled to reply. Although I hate to say it, you need to step back and let your daughter handle this situation. If she and her boyfriend are going to break up, they are going to break up. I realize you are concerned for your daughter, but unfortunately breakups are a part (hard) of life!! And the fact that you have made friendships out of her relationship probably will make it harder on her (and you) if they do break up. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, then it's inevitable that they are going to break up. I would suggest sitting down and talking with your daughter about them breaking up. Feel her out. Maybe she feels the same way but because of all the mixed friendships involved, she feels compelled to stay with him. Maybe she doesn't want you to lose your friendships either.

Just because they breakup (if they do) does not mean that you have to end your friendship(s) but they will most likely change. If you are true friends, you'll be able to remain close but it may take some time for one or the other to be comforatable seeing each other again.

Good luck!

It sounds to me like he's done and is tryig to make her do it. I wonder if she is really tired of it and doesn't care if he leaves or she's trying to prepare herself for the heart break. Like trying to cover in front of you. I'll pray for her and you Mom.

God Bless,
L.

I'm a mom of two grown boys. I always hated it when relationships ended. Boys don't show it as much as girls, but they get hurt, too. I've cried with them several times. I agree with the others that it's your daughter's situation to handle. If she's old enough to have a boyfriend she's old enough to handle hurt feelings. It won't be the last time! Just be there to LISTEN if she wants to talk and try not to get too upset yourself. Sometimes the other person, no matter who it is, just needs to talk!

I don't see why she or you would have to lose friends just because this teen relationship doesn't work out. It was doomed from the beginning not to work out...because they are TEENAGERS.

Sounds to me like you are too involved with this situation. Concentrate on teaching your daughter not to put up with bad treatment. Teach her to have enough self-respect not to let boys (or men later on) jerk her around. Your main concern should be helping your daughter leave this relationship behind in the healthiest possible way - because it sounds like the boy wants out.

Letting GO is an important...*vital* skill. Don't teach her to mope and moan and forever wonder why it didn't work out. She'll end up like my sister...pining over a total dirtbag who picks fights, cheats, and seems poised to start physically abusing her...and she still wants him! No amount of bad behavior is enough to turn her off because she just can't LET GO. Argh!!

Yup. Been there, done that.
The best thing you can do is stay out of it.
Be there to dry her tears when the inevitable happens, but beyond that, offer no unsolicited opinions, and don't ask questions of his family.

This is all part of growing up, and they have to find their own way through it.
They will break up, but you don't have to lose the friendships if you handle things delicately. Keep the subject of your children off limits when you are with his family, and try to have an attitude of "well, it's sad of course, but it's part of life, and they will be fine in time" when you are with them. Don't discuss it beyond that, or it will lead to hurt feelings, finger pointing, etc. Just go on enjoying each other and doing all the same things together that you always did, but with consideration towards the children's feelings in group situations where both kids must be present.
Never, never "cut him down" to your daughter or his family.

I had a long term relationship when I was a teen that eventually broke up and just about crushed me, but I managed to stay friends with his sister and mother for many years after that. Even after he married someone else, and I was long "over it".

Now that I have children of my own (grown) I know there have been similar situations, and in fact, one of my daughters had a relationship with the son of one of my doctors. Although I approved, I also disapproved, because I knew it wouldn't last, and it would make for an awkward situation at the doctor's office. Thankfully, both kids were mature enough to part as friends, so no tension. *whew*

I have to say, you sound way too involved/invested in this relationship. You should probably just butt out, and let your daughter handle it. You should also encourage her to take this relationship less seriously. She is not going to marry this guy, yet you both seem to obsessing about him. That is not healthy. I do remember how important these things seemed to me as a teenager, but I also know now that if my mother had helped me gain some perspective (by helping me find other stuff to do that was more rewarding than pining away after a boy who was no longer interested), then I would have been less invested.

Well, I kinda went through this my with daughter and guys she dated. As far as worrying how they feel about me and feel bad for you daughter. and if your are like me you really like the kid and you missing him too. Boy, it is so hard isn't. THe first is the worst. My daughter broke up with a guy after almost 2 yrs. it is so extremly hard.
The only good advice I have is try to stay out of it as hard as it is. because I didn't and got my daughter very mad at me. just keep them in your prayers. and IF he would start doing mean that she doesn't do it back because the does not make any better. hopefully if they do break up that they can be friends. the last guy had stared getting into church and really likly it and not he is not going and that is the very hardest thing to me. I just keep praying. andthat is all we can do. just be there for her and let her come to you. God Bless you!! try to be strong.
Best wishes

I understand your pain. What our kids don't realize is that when they get into these serious relationships, those people become a part of all our lives. However, your job as the parent is just to be supportive to your daughter. You can't fix her relationship, nor can you spare her pain. Just keep out of it and let your daughter know you are there for her. I know it's hard, but that's what you have to do when your kids get to this stage of live.

When my youngest son came to the end of a middle school relationship, I explained that each of them was the same wonderful person that they were before, but their interests had just changed directions, perfectly natural for a teen. I told him that this was just a practice for when he gets in to serious dating, and that how he handles it is a prediction of how he will respond in the future.

My best advice is to be there to listen if she wants a shoulder and reassure her that life will not end if this relationship doesn't work out. This might be a good time to talk about healthy relationships and friendships and trust, etc. Only offer advice if she asks....try to guide her towards taking responsibility of her piece of the relationship and maybe she just needs to say to her boyfriend , maybe this isn't working. I won't even get started about losing friends b/c you don't have a boyfriend.... Help her think about what she wants to do w/her life and how she wants people to see her.... And I would probably not have significant conversations w/the boyfriend (texting or not) you don't want to get into a triangulated situation where your dtr thinks you're taking his side. She is still going to hurt....but you can lend a shoulder and she'll get through this.

FYI - I have 3 dtrs, 28, 26 and 3 yrs...... Ending relationships hurt at any age.....

I admit that when I read the questions on this website I frequently want to reframe the situation with a different set of questions. Maybe it isn't a question of who should be friends with whom or if Mom is too involved. Maybe it is a question of what are the teachable moments and how can the adults help the teens to develop problem solving skills for a lifetime of successful relationships. As a Mom who made it through the teen years and is encouraging her 23 year old son as he develops a wonderful relationship with the woman he plans to marry, I will share with you one peice of advice I did give my son very early: "You're not married until you are married. Until you meet the person you want to marry, it is risky to set up expectations as if you have some mutual right of posessiveness and expectations. If you play marriage as a teen, you will likely play divorce as well, and that is not a fun game to play. It can be emotionally crippling and change the way you enter relationships the rest of your life. So, I recommend that the false sense of entitlement which results from labelling someone as 'boyfriend or girlfriend' be avoided altogether, until you seriously feel you are ready to get married."

I realize this approach is unusual in our culture, but it worked beautifully for our son. It allowed him to have many friends and much freedom, as well as a detachment that allowed him to consider what charachter strengths and personality traits attracted him most as a lover and a life partner. So as you can see, I tend to look at things from an uncommon perspective.

From what you wrote, it sounds like a classic problem of young married couples. She expresses her needs in a critical language and he tolerates it as long as the relationship is new and exciting. Once the numbness of newness wears off, he wants to get away from it. I'm not saying that your daughter is unusually critical. This is extraordinarily common. Ours is one of the most freely critical cultures ever known to man. Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing, but it requires some amount of skill for it to work well for us. Otherwise, it is just verbal anarchy.

Our language skills do not tend to be respectful, courteous, encouraging, or supportive. Most young girls grow up hearing stories of how they should expect to be rescued by their knight in shining armor IF they are a damsal in distress. So, we ladies often speak a language of 'distress'. That might work, sometimes, if she is criticizing someone else and there is a way he can rescue her from the villian. But, it gets confusing for a young man when she tells him that, indeed, HE is the cause of her distress. Now his armor doesn't feel so shiny. He has been pegged as the villian and he loses interest in the rescue game. The poor girl in this situation doesn't understand what she did wrong. She thought the complain/rescue teeter-totter was supposed to go right on working and doesn't understand why he jumped off without warning her to brace herself for a fall.

Not only do teens not understand how they get stuck in these stressful habits of expectations in relationships, few adults have learned to recognize it when it is happening. And, it probably happens about as often as traffic lights change color.

So, if it were me and I knew both parties well enough, I would take them out to dinner, just the three of us. I would tell them that I think I might be able to help them come to a clear decision about whether they want to better understand each other and learn to communicate in a way that supports each other, OR, whether they would like to establish new personal boundaries and expectations so that they can maintain some degree of respect and fondness for one another, as well as possibilities for the relationship in the future. I would tell them that there are feelings on both sides and that I fully intend to help them do this in a way that is truly kind and respectful to one another and that I appreciate the sincerity of these feelings for both of them. I would want to tell them that, whether this relationship is destined to evolve in one direction or another, it is a perfect oportunity to learn how to resolve disappointments in a relationship for the best possible outcome.

But, this is where the question of your involvement comes in. If you feel you are not able to keep from taking sides in this situation, then I would find someone who has the detachment and the skills to facilitate this discussion. If there is not a dad, aunt, uncle, close friend, or grandparent to do this, I would hire a relationship counselor or communication coach to do this. It may take more than one discussion, but it may not. Still, it may be the best gift you ever give your daughter!!! Would that I had had such guidance when I was a teen!!!

Anyway, I hope at least some of these thoughts are helpful for you. Something I always recommend to my clients is a book by Linda K. Popov, The Family Virtues Guide. You can learn more about this wonderful book and the not-for-profit project that created it at www.VirtuesProject.com.