Son Hates the Child I Babysit

Wow, way to be an askhole. You got some great thoughtful advice from EXPERIENCED moms and you react by telling them their opinions are a joke? Nice.

You've pretty much described a typical and normal relationship between an older and younger sibling. Anyone who's had a 6 year old and a 2 year old would check off everything you wrote: sometimes being so sweet, sometimes being so mean, figuring out that all of a sudden there's someone else around to blame things on!

Now, typical and normal don't necessarily mean "acceptable". I didn't say that, I said "normal".

The difference is, you didn't spend 9 months pregnant with this new little one, and bring her home as a newborn - you basically brought her into the home 6 months ago. And your son's world had some changes!

There are very few intelligent, verbal, creative 6 year olds who haven't blamed something ridiculous on the little baby sister ("no, Mommy, I didn't open the fridge and take the cookies! It was little baby Matilda!") even when little baby sister Matilda was strapped firmly in her high chair the whole time.

I don't think that asking him why he hates her or why he lies will do any good. You simply must tell him that he must act in a kind way, use kind words, and tell the truth.

You're correct that you are your child's parent, not their buddy or pal. But your time, your attention, your interaction, and your eye contact are what your child needs the most. It's good parenting to interact with your child when their behavior is acceptable, and to remove that interaction when their behavior is not acceptable. That is not the same thing as saying "I'm not talking to you" or "get out of my sight" or something angry like that. It's simply not rewarding your child with your interaction, words and eye contact. Then, as soon as that undesired behavior stops, you resume that positive interaction.

Make sure that you treat the two children differently (as befits a first or second grader and a toddler, I mean). You can make plans with your son for something special on the weekend while the little girl is playing with toys. You can say "when you have your homework done and when mommy's job is done, when this week is over, maybe we can get ice cream on Saturday". And you can tell him funny stories about when he was 2. And talk with him about supper plans. He'll see that you treat the 2 year old kindly and take good care of her, but your supper time and your weekend time and fun plans that only a 6 year old could enjoy are just for him.

I'm sorry that you asked for advice and then got so upset at getting advice. It was advice! Not demands! Take what is helpful, learn from others' experience, make a balanced decision, and appreciate the time and effort others took to offer you input. And relax!

I am chuckling as I read this because I had the same dynamic when my daughter was two. Her brother was 5 when she was born. When she hit age two she could get into his stuff. She really annoyed him bc she wanted to do everything he did and wanted to play with whatever he had. It also hit him how much of my time she took and he started saying things like life was better before she was born because he got all my attention. The jealousy began and everything you write about also happened between them. Some times he just loved her and thought she was the cutest. Sometimes he was very jealous and would be mean to her. I even caught him secretly pinching her when she would walk by when I was not looking. One, I had a zero tolerance policy for that kind of behavior. Two, I started having special mother-son time (like taking him out to dinner just the two of us) on a regular basis. My only advice is to not leave them alone together. Your son is still young and immature and at that age they are very self centered still. Keep on teaching him what is right...and make sure he knows what the consequence will be if he pulls stunts like that again. To try to keep it positive you could try a reward chart for good behavior...with the reward being an extra fun outing with mom. Honestly, it's not a quick fix. My son still will get jealous of his sister although he's much more mature now at age 10.

Holy Overreaction Batman! Your SWH was far 'judgier' than your responses. Maybe you need to have a cup of tea and calm down a little.

I would clarify with him that watching her is your job, like school is his job. He doesn't need to love her, but he does need to be nice when she's there. If he feels jealous that she gets your time and he has to go to school, then talk to him about how he may be feeling and remind him that she is with you, but she doesn't get to be with her Mommy, either. I would continue to work with him. Sounds to me that he's jealous vs truly hateful. My 6 yr old has no one else at home with me when she's in school, but I know she would prefer to be home most days vs being in school. So it's not just a him or her thing, but a kid thing.

I also think it is her age, in part. My SD thought DD was so cute...til she got her own ideas and didn't just blindly follow big sis around and started getting into big sis's stuff. He'll have to work through that. I could make sure that DD didn't get into SD's room, but I wasn't going to stop DD from having opinions.

And FWIW, I wanted to sell my sister when I was a kid, but now we get along. It is very common for kids who are together a lot to act a bit like siblings. What I would address is how she's not going anywhere because he says so and how it's not proper for him to tell her mom he hates her daughter. If he has Big Feelings, he should talk to you.

Those who suggested that you keep him home from school to talk about this are off base, IMO. You have your job and he has his, and you both need to do your jobs. You can discuss his feelings in your/his off time. This is where there is discipline vs punishment. Putting him in his room for being jealous isn't going to address the problem. It will just punish him for being a kid. If they need space apart, that's fine. Let him play in his room or take them outside where there there is more room. But don't make her more of an issue than needs be.

ETA: I'm kind of scratching my head here. I thought I was being non-judgemental. As with any online forum, you publicly presented a problem. Take or leave the advice. Everyone has their own POV and not all of the comments will be valid to you. My last paragraph was not to you. It was to those who suggested you punish him for being a kid.

It's a little like sibling rivalry.
He's jealous she gets to stay with you all day while he goes to school.
He feels a little like he's been replaced by this girl who's with you more than he can be right now.
I think since he's so smart you can tell him that she won't always be there and someday he won't have her to play with anymore.
She'll go to a new day care someday (no point in telling him when since from now to August will seem like forever to him) but in the mean time watching her means you are earning some money that you can spend on him.
Remind him that he's a big boy and going to school, making friends his own age, and doing all the great things 6 yr olds get to do is WAY better than being a baby 2 yr old who's helpless and can only do 2 yr old things and say how proud he makes you that he's doing so well in school.
He needs/wants reassurance from you that he's still your special little guy so praise him for all the good things he does.

As for his hating her - well his feelings are his feelings and he's not sure why he's feeling this way - but he can't be mean or say mean things to the girl or her Mom.
6 yr olds don't have an internal editor yet - they just blurt out what pops into their heads - so some of this is just his age/stage of development.

Additional:
Hmm.
We have a one time question asker - a seemingly reasonable question - and then a blow up So What Happened response and a flounce off.

Sigh.

Although I think some people are a little severe with the discipline in this situation I don't see anyone who is verbally abusing her to the point where anyone here deserves the response that she gave.
Sounds like this person came on here expressly for the purpose of ranting and flouncing - no matter what ANYONE said to her or how they answered.
I hope it relieved her stress enough for her to have a nice day out in the real world.

In the even she decides to delete and run, here you go:

son Hates the child i babysit

Ok so my son is 6 and the little girl i babysit is 2. I've been watching her for almost 6 months and its not getting any better. Its not that he doesn't want to share his toys because for an only child he is surprisingly great at sharing. when he gets new toys or certain favorite ones he doesn't want to share and i don't make him. He has a playroom and a bedroom, his bedroom is off limits to the lil girl so that is where he puts his special toys. What he has an issue with is she is with me all day everyday (M-F) while he is at school. They fight constantly he makes up fibs to get her in trouble (which i call him out on and punish him for). But there are days where he is super sweet to her holds her hand when we go somewhere plays with her, picks out a movie for her that kind of thing. But he has gone as far as telling the girls mother that he Hates her, he has made it very clear to her (happened this morning haven't had a time to talk about it b/c he went to school) i apologized to the mom because obviously that's not acceptable. she was very understanding but I don't think it's acceptable and will be thinking of what to say to him. the mom has started the process of putting her daughter in a daycare/school that she will be at during school hours but she can't start till Aug :/ if anyone has an advise on what i can do to help or what to say to him (he is WAY smart for a 6yr old) im just at the end of my rope. the mom can't afford an actual daycare (the school is free) so i would like to go through all options before i decide to stop watching her.

So What Happened?™

you should NEVER use your time with your child as a reward or punishment you are their PARENT not friend so you shouldnt be like you were bad so no mommy time thats HORRIBLE!!!!! Ok since there is no where on here to respond back to comments which i think is wrong BTW i will be leaving this site once im done. first off if you read the context of my post i mentioned him being smart in reference on what to SAY to him not because of the situation. Also there is no way in hades that i will keep my son from SCHOOL because of something he said to someone NOT at his school second, he got a ride from the lil girls mom bc my car was frozen and i didnt want him to be late. Third you all just assume my son is violent and would possibly hurt this little girl which for the record he is NOT i would not allow him to even hint to that nor would i allow the girl to stay in my home under my protection if i thought she would be harmed in ANY way. lastly you people shouldn't be so judgy people ask for advice not to be judged or cut down or to have their child cut down. i spend plenty of time with my son and so does his father, i thought for once it would be ok to post on a website for mothers who need HELPful advice not passive aggresiveness from mean people, i will NEVER make that mistake again the site is a joke...you should all be ashamed of yourselves

He's jealous. Of course he wants to stay home all day too.

Once summer comes and he gets to stay home too he'll be fine. See how different it will be when he stays home for Spring Break. Make sure she takes her nap too, that way he'll have some absolute time alone with you while she's there and he'll feel really special.

ETA.... Per that SWH spewed with hate... Makes me understand why your kid must have feelings of hate. Talk about judgy.... Look in the mirror woman.

You post on an online forum, you get good responses, then you pitch a fit because we didn't blow smoke up your royal pants??? Whew, Flouncy flouncy.

Thanks B for posting on it's entirety so others who tune in late can see this craziness!!

The nickname obviously fits her well!

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I don't think being an ONLY child of being extremely smart has anything to do with it.

He is acting like a jealous big brother.

What 6yr old is expected to play and entertain a 2yr old and I don't know of any 2yr olds that actively fight like you mention.

If my child told a parent of a child in my care that that he/she hated that child, then his/her little behind would not be going to school until he was properly disciplined for what he said to the mom. That is completely unacceptable. If I were the girls mom I would be concerned for the safety of my child in your care.

I am not one for spanking as a discipline but you bet he/she would lose every precious toy he/she treasured until he/she understood the magnitude of what he/she did.

So this behavior makes me wonder what goes on in your home with the 2yr old gone? Is 6yr old back to normal, a loving child? Do you do things together, eat, cook, play games, read, etc? Where is dad? Think about your relationship with the 6yr that might be making him feel so insecure that he acts out in this way. Maybe you need to carve out some special time with you and the 6yr old to build your relationship so that he knows you are there for him unconditionally and no one is taking his place.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am sure the mom of the 2yr old is worried as well.

Good luck.

make sure that you get some really special one-on-one time with him when your daycare girl isn't there. make it very clear to him that your relationship is special and inviolable.
but i'd be very grim about him saying hateful things to and about her. that would generate an instant and significant repercussion, whatever it is you keep for Very Serious Issues whether it's privilege removal or banishment to siberia or hard labor. and certainly a written apology to the little girl and her mom.
he gets to have his feelings. he can express them to you, and you listen to them without judgment or trying to explain them away.
but yeah, he has to learn to put up with this. you don't stop work because your kid doesn't like it. i'd have loved to spare my kids going to daycare and putting up with the little cretins they sometimes met there, but it wasn't an option.
ETA are you this hair-trigger in your responses to the kids? zowie! if you already have all the answers, why ask a question?
khairete
S.

No no don't leave. Stop. Stop .... said in the voice of Willy Wonka.

You sit your son down and let him know that watching this little girl is your job. He doesn't have to like it or her but he also doesn't get to say or do mean things to her or say he hates her to her mom. He's old enough to know this is not the right thing to do. If he does something out of line put him in time out.

Your son is a bit older and will stop when you put your foot down. Don't leave it up to him to figure it out.

Don't leave the site - people have different ways of expressing themselves, I think most people try to be helpful here :)

Six year olds are pretty little and the world still sort of revolves around them. They want mom to themselves. My kids resented the younger ones for sure ... it's pretty natural, whether it's your own child or one you are babysitting. I suppose you wouldn't have experienced this before, but it's very common.

His behavior is telling you that he's done with this arrangement - he doesn't like it. But that's not an option here - so you have to come up with some ways to help lessen his jealousy (which is what it really is).

I don't know if you could do a little short DVD or program for her or if you could time her nap for when he gets home from school? Something to occupy her (even just some toys she hasn't seen all day) when he gets home so you can have uninterrupted one on one time with him.

The "hate" comment is never good but that's how little kids sometimes express themselves unfortunately. We explained to our kids that hate is a hurtful word and not to be used in our house. It's ok to dislike someone, but you can't make them feel bad. You don't have to like everyone, but you have to respect them/their feelings. Six years olds can get this concept if you use examples. I always turn it around and say "now how would you feel if ...".

Hope that helps :) Good luck

I don't get your SWH. I read the responses and I don't see meanness.

I get so tired of people saying that single children have certain personality traits or don't know how to share. Unless people raise their children in a bubble with no social contact, kids learn to share, whether with siblings or others. So let's take that off the table, okay?

Let's also take away the fact of his intelligence. It has no bearing on anything - except maybe that he's clever enough to lie about things she does. Let's stop calling it "fibs" - let's call it what it is. If you belittle it, so will he.

He's a typical 6 year old displaying sibling rivalry. It does not matter that this girl is not his real sister. She is in his home all day, and she gets to stay home with his mommy while he goes to school. That is the problem.

If my child said something about hating a child to anyone (the child, the child's mother, anyone), that child would not be going to school. I'd keep him home late and deal with the issue right then. You don't send him to school while you think about what to say. The incident is now past and you have missed the opportunity to parent him effectively on an issue that is critical to you.

You can talk about it, which is going to have limited effect at this age. Or you can discipline him - which has tremendous effect. There are 2 things he wants: he wants YOU, and he wants his special toys (the ones that are in his room). So he loses ALL of those things because he is not mature enough to be entitled to them. You tell him - and you let him watch you - that everything is being packed up and put away until he is a big enough boy to play with them. That means kindness and absolutely no lying. He doesn't have to like the girl; he doesn't have to play with her. But he does NOT get to lie about her or be with her when you are not in the room, and he does not get to be with you when he misbehaves.

This is your job. The little girl is staying. You don't decide to stop watching her because your son has a problem. That just gives in to his issues - that's a terrible precedent and you really don't want to go down that road. He doesn't want this girl around, so you're going to give him what he wants - you're going to reward his bad behavior. So you're teaching him to repeat that, to be mean and cruel and dishonest anytime he wants something you say no to. You're teaching him that, if he keeps at it, he'll get his way, that your "no" doesn't mean "no".

So you pack up his toys and his special things. You leave a comfort item or two - if he has a special blanket or a stuffed animal, he gets to keep them. He absolutely needs to be able to calm himself down, so you leave what he needs to do that. But the luxuries go away. None of this "no TV next weekend" stuff - he needs immediate, not delayed, consequences.

If he misbehaves, he goes into his nearly-empty room. He can lie down, he can snuggle with his teddy bear, he can look at the bare walls. But he can't be with you and he can't be allowed to play with his toys. He's 6, so you put him in for at least 6 minutes. If he's yelling or whining or throwing things, he stays in until he's quiet, plus 6 minutes. Then he comes out. If he repeats it, you repeat it. No talking to him while he's there - just a sharp "you do not lie" or "you do not hit" or whatever it is that he does. No explaining how it's hard for her and doesn't he care if she's upset. Just immediate consequences for him. He loses what he values most.

Then he EARNS it back. He earns your attention and his toys and the chance to play a game by behaving. He doesn't get promised anything new - no trips to the store for a new item. Just the return of what he has. One toy at a time. These are big boy toys for kids who behave. Period.

He is doing this because he can. He is allowed to get away with it. You have to be tough and resilient and determined to make it work. It won't work the first time. But it will work if you are consistent and if he realizes you mean business.

ETA - let me clarify that I would not have kept him home from school for the whole day - I would have talked to him for 5 minutes right then to lay down the law, and then taken him in late, so that he missed something fun like the bus ride or opening activities or his friends. I would not have rewarded him with all my time for the day!!

He's jealous. Simple as that. Try to find some books on jealousy and other emotions and then discuss it with him. He can FEEL jealousy, but he can't act out and call names. He can talk with you about it, or get a hug from you, but he can't be mean and act out. He's a smart boy, but needs some coping skills to navigate this new feeling. Reward for good behavior when he's being kind to her. Spend some special moments before and after school that are just for him...or at least when you give him most of the attention. Reassure him that you will do something fun when he gets home...something that HE likes. Sorry you got upset at our responses. I know it's hard to not get defensive, but I do think the parents on here were trying to help. There are many different parenting styles, so take the ideas you like and mull over the rest.

I kind of agree with Danie B, however I disagree about keeping him home and missing the opportunity. I have a 6 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy. It totally sounds like sibling rivalry even if they are not siblings. When he gets home, sit down with him and talk about what happened this morning. Ask him why he "hates" her. He is going to have to learn how to get along with having another child in the house. While I agree that things need to be taken care of right away when they happen, a 6 yr old does remember things and can tie consequences to something that happened a short time ago.