My 3 Year Old Doesn't Want to Be Disciplined

Sorry C. I find that kinda funny! SHe does NOT want to be disciplined--what kids do? Do it now or when she gets older you will have a huge problem that is worse! Discipline makes a good child, molds them for the real world and makes them likable for others to be around. She is controling you. You be the mommy and disciplinary!

There is this great book called "1-2-3 Magic"
It is easy to read and easy to do. It takes out all of the yelling and angry words. You can get it off Amazon.com for less than the books stores. It does require you to be diligent but the end results (after only a few days) are SO worth it.
Good Luck!!!!!

This will take some time but try this. I feel she is seeing all the actions of the chair and of toys going away from her. Try changing things around. Put the chair away. Just for awhile. As far as the toys. Put them in a box so she can see them. When she become mean get down with her and show a look of love and began to reach out to her and tell her that you love her and want to play with her. This might work I don't know. If not I would see about her mental funtion. She might need some special help.

Sounds like Abigail has a few things going on. One, with a new baby she is probably a little jealous.
First things...find a "naughty step" or a foot stool that everytime she breaks a rule she has to sit on. 1 minute for each year...if she gets up she goes back. Let her know before and after she is done with her punishment the rule she broke. DO NOT talk to her during this time. If she gets up, she goes back...and starts her time over. Once she is done...make her apologize. Also...some children (mine included for years) look at that sippie as a comfort item. Find a stuffed friend that she can only have at naptime and bedtime. She needs a nap sounds like. Children that don't get enough sleep will act out and not sleep well when they actually do go to bed because they are so exhausted. Don't give in and let her win this battle of the wills. You are the mom, not the other way around. When she upsets you...don't let her see it. Sounds like she is a very smart little girl that needs some stricter rules and consistent consequences. Also...make time if you can once a week to take just her to the park or someplace fun for the two of you to get some one on one time. Sounds like she needs that. Best of luck!

Most children don't want to be disciplined. Let's face it...having time out or being grounded isn't any fun. Discipline, however, is critical for your child to comprehend, understand and respect boundaries and limits (of acceptable behavior). If you don't address it now, the court system may be addressing it later. And, you life will be miserable throughout the process.

As the single mother of a 22 year old (her father left when she was 3), having learned many lessons along the way (and still learning), a few questions came to mind when I read your story.

1. Are you single or married?
2. Is the father present and active in her life?
3. Have there been any recent changes in your child's life?

In addition to these questions I perceived two vital elements to your childs behavior:

1. Anger (which is why I asked the questions above)
2. Exhaustion

Let's address the exhaustion first. Children need 10-12 hours of sleep PER DAY. They are growing at such an incredible rate at this age that they need more rest than adults. You MUST enforce napping and a consistent bedtime each and every day. Children need and CRAVE routine and structure, so it is very important that you establish this for them. After lunch is an ideal time to put children down for a nap. I would also encourage you to develop a bedtime around 8:30 p.m. This is not going to be an easy process, but if you remain consistent and determined it will get easier with time.

The lack of adequate sleep may actually address the anger/ crankiness factor. If, however, there are other elements of your daily life that may be creating tension or concern for the child, this is her way of telling you. Watch for the signs.

Finally, when discipling a child it is important that you:

1. Be consistent
2. Stick to it
3. Mean what you say, say what you mean
4. Make it age appropriate

Time out is extremely effective, but you must be consistent. Establish a place for time out - a naughty chair or naughty step and when your child acts up, place them there for one minute per year. So, since she is two years old, two minutes; three years old, three minutes and so on.

In the beginning I promise you she will resist. When she acts up the first time, give her a warning. If she does not stop the behavior, put her in time out. Get down on her level, eye to eye and tell her BRIEFLY why she is being punished. "You lied to mommy, so you're getting time out." If she gets up, put her back. If she gets up again, put her back. Do not argue or speak to her after your initial explanation of time out. If she cries, yells mama or anything like this ignore it. These are manipulation tactics or attempts to get attention and wear down your resolve.

After her time out is up, go back to her, get down on her level again and explain once again why she was punished and ask for an apology. Once that has been given, give her a hug and tell her you love her.

I am going to warn you....since it sounds like she's been resistent to discpline this isn't going to be easy in the beginning. I suspect, however, that you've giving in to her tantrums, been inconsistent and less structured than you need to be.

In summary:

1. Get your children on a strict schedule (work yours around theirs)
2. Be consistent (CRTICIAL)
3. Age appropriate discpline
4. Don't give in
5. Be sure they get the rest they need (no child wants to go to bed, but the MUST get the rest they need)

You're a young Mom and let's face it, parenting doesn't come with a How-To Guide. It's tough when you're older, but even tougher when you're younger. I know, I've been there.

From one good mom to another,

S.

We went through this with our 3 year old son last year, it was so frustrating! I finally got the 1-2-3 Magic book recommended to me by several friends (the author is Dr. Phelan- it was at our library). It worked beautifully, and our son is in much better control of his behavior now. Our son's behavior was worst during the arrival of our daughter, so I'm sure that's a big part of it! We also moved bedtime way up- to 7:00, so that even if it takes him an hour to settle down and go to sleep, he still gets enough rest each night. I think lots of kids get over-tired and end up wired at the end of the evening. Try a early bedtime w/a good bedtime routine- it worked well for us! Good luck!

First I would suggest that you keep it up. Don't back down. I don't know a 3 year old that wants to disiplained but the hard part is finding what will work. There has to be something she loves, a teddy bear or a game. If not think of a game where she gets to be your helper but only if she earns it. Ask her to help you with putting wet clothes in the dryer but let her know that she gets to do this because she has been respectful to you. In our home "time out" time does not begin until she is sitting quietly where we put her.. If it takes her 15 minutes to sit the correct way than her time owed in time out does not begin until her 15 minute fit is over. I would also suggest that once you put her in time out do not let her see you looking at her until time is up. Be sneaky and if she moves from her spot, move her back to her spot and explain again that her time will not start going down until she can sit like a big girl. Try not to let her see you upset either. (I have a 2 1/2 year old)

I hope it work for you....keep in touch....

I have a 4 year old that I run into the same problems with my independant daughter. I have talked to my therapist about it because it literally makes me want to pull my hair out. I recieved 3 pieces of advice that have helped me: 1) Be consistant with the time outs, no matter how hard it is and when she is in time out, make sure she can't see you or be a part of the environment and do no make eye contact or talk to her until it is time to get out. 2) Ignore the behavior - part of why they back talk and hit is because it gets them attention, albeit negative attention, it is attention none the less. Don't let it get out of hand, but try very hard not to react to it...if it escalates, put her in time out. 3) Try some level of positive reinforcement instead of constant negative reinforcement. For example, start a marble jar and for every day that she doesn't hit you or back talk, give her a marble. Give her another marble for washing her hands when she goes to the bathroom or when she goes to bed at bedtime. If milk before bed is a big issue, make it worth 2 marbles. Then set a goal - when she reaches 10 marbles, you will take her to the park or she can decide where you eat that weekend. Start out with making the amount of marbles smaller (10 marbles to get to the reward), so she will understand the reward system and then make it harder to attain (25 marbles to get the reward). You have to be consistant with this too and follow through on the rewards. Once she gets it, then you can start adding things that will cause her to lose marbles, such as, lying or throwing temper tantrums. Anyway, I am not expert, but I hope this helps!!

This may be an attention getting device, and it seems to be getting your attention. With a 5 month old in the house, the older child may feel she isn't getting enough of Mommy. Try giving her your undivided attention the same time each day. You can color with her, read books, take her outside and play kick ball, and let her know it is "her time" with no interruption. Good luck.

Milk is excellent for her...I have a 5 yearold brother and he always likes to have milk... before he goes to the batrhroom so there's no accidents! take something she really loves away from her, show gher whos the boss! maybe u need 2 b a little bit tougher, if you don't (like many kids ive met) she will turn out to be a spoiled brat... you wouldn't want that.. from 12 year old to mom!!! take my advice, i might not be a mom but im a kid and experience is better than sicological facts

Hi......i have a 6yr old, 1 1/2yr old, 1mth......i believe in spanking....i have a strong willed child, my 6yr old. i'v striped him from toys, tv , outside, time-out, nothing worked, spanking is the best tool, dont spare the rod!
my daughter did the same with milk....i just quit giving her milk before bed.....a little crying doesnt hurt, you have to be patience with them, just as they have to also adjust to not getting what they want. dont let them over power you and give it, kids will push us till they get what they want, only by irriating us, and if they know they can do that and still get what they want after 3-4hrs of nagging then they'll do that. dont give in. we are the parents, its easier said then done, i know.....i still struggle at times with my son, but dont give into it, stick with it and be firm.

I thought you were talking about my little girl for a second there. I have been having this same issue with my daughter that will be 3 in May. I am a stay at home mom too and really have not stuck to a strict routine with her. But after all the nights of it being midnight before she would stay in bed I was at my wits end. I wrote out a schedule and put it on the fridge. I learned that about an hour of "rest" time worked well for her b/c if she did not have any nap she would stay up even later (she was just delirious by then). I stuck to the schedule as best I could and made a big deal about this being her rules and how she was such a big girl to follow her rules. After a while of saying, "You know the rule", I think it is finally starting to stick. For instance, there is a rule that she can not have any juice (sugar) after dinner and we only read two books before bed. I think she is getting the hang of it (God I hope so) and I hope this may help your little girl. As for the disciple, I really did not want to resort to spanking but after everything else failed, that was the only thing that got her attention. That is a personal preference though and I wish you the best of luck.

I understand completely, and the advice is true. Stick to your guns. No matter what. If she is back talking you while in time out, then she stays in there until she can both agree to be sweet and apologize. Her not caring about he toys is her not wanting you to have any power over her. She most likely DOES care, but she doesn't want you to have any leverage. Just be firm and consistent. It will take time and there will be many days when you feel like all you do is get on to her or keep her in time out, but it WILL get better. You just have to be willing to do it. She needs it, otherwise she will not be a very well rounded or functioning individual in society. You don't want her to be the trouble maker in school, the bully on the playground, or the princess adult who manipulates and thrives only on getting her way. Address it now. She has to learn, that's just the way it is.

C.,
Think about this, our flesh does not like to be disciplined. Do you like being corrected? I don't. You are the parent and it is your responsibility to teach her what good behavior is and what IS NOT acceptable. I understand that it is difficult, I have a 5 1/2 and a 9yo who don't like being corrected at all, but hugs always come after correction. They need reaffirmation of your love after the dicipline. You sit her in the chair, if you have to do it 20 times, keep sitting her in the chair, saying nothing. When you sit her in the chair the 1st time, remind her that time out will not start until she is quiet. You may have to remind her because this is new, but after so many times, say nothing. Everytime she speaks, she stays even longer. (I saw this on Super Nanny and it works usually). After the time out, I ask them why they are in time out, they are to tell you and you reaffirm that whatever is unacceptable and you may not like the behavior, but you love them very much.
I do hope that this helps. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world :-)

My daughter was/is very strong willed (she's now 10), and boy, did she make me feel like an idiot when she was that age! I couldn't do anything with her...my first child had been so easy - a stern "No." stopped him in his tracks, and the dreaded count "1. 2..." sent him scrambling to do whatever I'd asked. I never spanked. I believe that is no way to train anyone/anything. As adults, we don't hit others when they don't do what we ask, so what are we teaching our kids by hitting them - just make the punishment fit the crime!

My daughter screamed "3!" at me the first time I tried the count on her. As you can imagine, I was bewildered and shocked, and kinda scared :)

My mother even bought me a book on how to deal with a strong-willed child, which I was so thankful for, until I started reading it. It suggested "breaking the will" and spanking! What a joke! So I tossed it. God made your daughter with a strong will, and it is your challenging job to direct its path. Some day that strength, if properly directed, will serve her very well. My daughter is 10 now, and no one would've ever guessed she was such a beligerent toddler, because she is friendly, sweet, caring, and obedient. I didn't break that will, though. I don't believe she'll ever be taken advantage of or allow herself to be distracted from her goals. She is very determined, and has an incredible ability to see things through, and is competitive, in a healthy way. She can push herself to accomplish things, and she self-motivates. All of these traits are because she has that strong will - the one that gave me so much trouble before she learned boundaries.

Be very firm. Not angry, just firm. Never fail to follow through - she will remember it and you will pay!

I used time-outs, but in a very different manner than with my son. Instead of just telling her to stay in a certain place for 3 minutes (yeah, right!), pick her up and sit down with her in your lap. You'll probably have to hug her, with your arms and legs, to keep her there. Then whisper in her ear - watch out for that head - it may bust your lip. Just whisper, the entire time, telling her that you love her, and that you know she can stop ____ because she's strong and smart. Repeat yourself, or come up with other things to say that are related to what she's done. If she's hit/hurt someone, say "Look at your brother. You broke his toy. Can you see how that hurt his feelings" or "Look at the wall. You colored all over it, after I asked you to keep your colors on the paper. I will have to work hard to clean that up. I might need some help."
She'll resist at first, but she'll be unable to hear your low whispering if she doesn't get quiet and still. It will work.

When taking away a toy, this didn't phase my daughter until I put it on top of the fridge, where she could see it, and acted like it was terribly sad that she couldn't play with it. She's a drama queen, and fell for it completely, and would be so remorseful!

As far as bedtime, watch her for signs of tiredness for a few days and set that time as bedtime. A warm bath and a strict adherence to a set number of stories/books (she has to be in bed to hear them) will do wonders. I remember getting very sick of the strict bed routine, and having to stick to it even when we traveled, visited family, or had guests, but it did pay off big. She began to look forward to having a bath, and crawling under the covies with her dolly or stuffed animal to listen to me read.

And put your ears on automatic...don't hear backtalking or whining - she'll stop when she figures out that it's ineffective. I remember saying, "Are you grumpy? Are those grumpies in you again? We're going to have to tickle them out of you!" And tickling, all the while saying, "Go away grumpies - we don't want you!", stopping every once in awhile to ask if they were gone, and continuing until they were.

Be patient, be creative. Most of all, love your daughter for who she is and I promise that you will laugh about this when you see the strength in her that is killing you now protect her later!

I click "ignore" when my children back talk. When they realize it doesn't work they stop doing it. Sometimes I even look at them a little while later and say, "I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. Did you say something."

With my teenagers when they act really crazy-like being rude and disrespectful to their mother-I say, "Aliens have taken over your body. You tell them I want my sweet wonderful child back." That line works!

I had the same problem with my oldest daughter when she was that age. It didn't matter what I took away she just found something else to entertain herself. It got to the point, like you say, that she had nothing to play with. Finally, at age 4 I took her to counseling and she was diagnosed with ADD. However, medication wasn't the key to our argument problems. Her counselor realized that she and I were "feeding" off each other's anger and that's when things escalated. I had to completely shut down my anger (not so easy to do) and ignore her hateful statements and backtalk. I was told to put her in time out then hold her face between my hands and make sure to make direct eye contact when talking. Explain exactly what you expect of her and what the consequence will be for disobeying, usually more time in time out. Also, make sure the time out spot is not comfortable, for example a wooden stool facing the wall. Don't just put her in a chair facing the TV in other words. Being there shouldn't be painful, but should definitely be unpleasant. If she backtalks while there add 30 seconds or 1 minute to her timeout and let her see you reset the timer so she can actually she the time she's racking up. Also, tell her when she learns not to talk back there will be a reward. For instance, tell her if she can go all morning without talking back to you she can have something she'd really like, like an extra 1/2 hour of TV or an extra candy. After she's able to do the morning thing, start stretching the time longer and longer. I'll have to say it took a while at our house, but eventually these things started to work for us. I hope they work for you as well.

C.,
If you are looking for suggestions, I suggest that you do as your are doing by putting her in time out. Make sure it is a defined place and where she is not able to see what others are doing. When she is in there, do not respond to her talking back...ignore it. Do not let her out until she can understand what she did and why you placed her there. Always exchange hugs prior to letting her up so that she knows that it was her behavior, not her, that was bad.

From what you have said, she is behaving this was because you hate it and can not really do much. If it doesn't appear to bother you and she gets no response from it, she will likely quit it. Another thing...be sure Not to make threats that you don't intend to keep (throwing toys away, etc). She will learn to not take you seriously. If you make a threat..follow through with it.

I recommend the books Love and Logic or/and Magic 1-2-3. They are different approaches to dealing with children and their behavior. Both are probably on Amazon for inexpensive and are both great!

Good Luck!

If you are trying to win a battle with her forget it. My youngest daughter was and is still like this. Change her diet no artificial additives, coloring and high sugars. Taking stuff just make this a battle of will power. If I had fix ravioli or smell captain crunch. Go more with natural foods, give her a book to ist with you when you study and promote a quiet time prior to bedtime. cut the t.v. off make a game out of make believe and try to meditate by finding magical things in minds eye. Do not try to win but make a game out of it.

Well i also have a three-yr old and im dealing with the same thing but i make my little girl take a nap around 3 and then whn she get up she plays and around 7 i feed her and give her a hot bath and at 8 i tell her to lay down and close her eye. I tell her she dont have to go to sleep just rest your eyes and after while she will be sleep. when she back talk me or get smart i usually pop her or make her sit down. sometimes if that dont work i will make her stand in the corner.i know it can really be frustrating because i get that way a lot. just take time with her and if you have help then the better. maybe do activities with her to see if that will intrest her and help her to settle down and focus. that way if she is doing something she love maybe she will have a less time taking back or getting angry. i would like to tell you to keep your head up and pray.

I wanted to share with you what my husband and I came to. there is a website about how to deisciplined when and how. it is WWW.nogreaterjoy.org You can search the articles on the situation. My daughter started when she started to walking. When she did not get her way she would lay in the floor and slam her head into the floor. Or she would run right in the a wall or door with her face. She would hit me and her teachers at church. Finally got a hold of this website and the Train up a child dvds. It totally changed our lives. Now when I ask my 3 year old to do something she is happy to do it. If she does not then with out emotion I will give her two swats on her bottom. Then she must say she is sorry to me and to God. Then she will do what I ask happily. Then we go on about our day I usually do not have to swat her for the rest of the day. When we first started this boot camp with was a lot training and swatting. Now I have another little one and it is even easier because I know what to do and how to do with. We used to could not go any where with out a fight or a scene. Now, because of all the training at home she is great out. I am so thankful for the Pearl Family to help teaching the proper way to train a child. Hope this is helpful.

I have just discovered a new webite/book series called a nurtured heart at www.nurturedheart.com. You can download the book and print it for a fee and have it right there or spend a little time reading the client comments and FAQ's (which is all it took for us). The change has been amazing and only took ~ 3 days to see a difference. We put it into practice with our 3 1/2 year old son and WOW! The atmosphere around everyone is much more calm and fun. I will sing it's praises. I hope the information helps you or gives you a different direction to try. Blessings!

You have a ton of advice. Bottom line, however you decide to discipline the child, BE CONSISTENT.
And, unlike most people believe, sometimes, a good swat to the butt will get her attention enough to know you are serious. Then you can sit her down in time out. She'll hate it, but stick with it. The best advice anyone ever gave me was the back up whatever it was I said.

She has to know you are serious and that you are not going to back down. Its a control thing. My son is 2 1/2, and what I have heard is...the 3's are worse than the 2's!
Best of luck.

It sounds like you still have a case of the terrible 2's.
To me it sounds like you are letting it get to you too much.
Put her in time out and if she back talks you just ignore it or tell her that everytime you hear her add a minute to it. Then ignore it. Go about your business and pretend that she is not there and make it look like you are having fun and it doesn't bother you in the least. I think that will get to her quicker than anything.
Now as for the night time sleeping. Sometimes you can go so long without sleep that you aren't tired anymore. I would put her to bed earlier and make her stay there regardless whether she goes to sleep or not. She wouldn't be allow to play or anything. Only lay there and count sheep or whatever. That may be the reason that you are having trouble with her back talking... she is just irritable because of no sleep.
Also, you can call your pediatrician and see how much benedryl that you can give her and start giving her a little benedryl for 3 or 4 nights to get her straightened out in her sleeping patterns. I bet you see that you have a much sweeter child without all the backtalk if she got a little rest.
Good luck.

It may not be easy to retrain, but a 3-year old MUST take a nap. I have two girls... a good sleeper and a bad sleeper, but they both become unruly in the absence of the afternoon nap. It doesn't sound logical, but a nap routine will help with the bedtime routine as well. Good luck and hang in there.

I too am a single mom. I have one daughter who has just turned 5, but she went through a period where I felt she was almost out of control. I think the key is to be firm and consistent. When you say you are going to do something if she doesn't do X, then you need to really do it. If it something that you are sort of threatening but really have no intention of ever doing it, then don't say it. Kids thrive in an environment that is predictable. I am not a spanker, so that was never really an option for me, so I had to find something that got to her. I started taking toys away and like you said, she didn't seem to care because she had so many. So what I started doing was taking one of her favorites (albeit is was a bot hard at times for me to do it) and threw it away. AND THEN I figured out that instead of throwing them away, I would take whatever it was, put it in a bag and put it in the car to be taken to a homeless shelter for those kids, who can appreciate having the toys. Like I said, whatever you choose, the key is being with consistent, meaning you have to do it like clock work so that your daughter will take you seriously when you say something to her. As far the talking back and hitting, mine was never a hitter. She tried ONE time and I think the look that she got and the feeling she probably felt when I got in her face and told her that under no circumstances would that EVER be acceptable was enough to curtail that behavior. But the talking back...a WHOLE different story. What I had to do, like I suggested before, was take something away from her. Kids today usually accumulate so many useless toys, that I took the opportunity, when she was talking back, to clean my house of uselss toys. When I would tell her to take a time out or to be quiet that she was not using nice words, every time she opened her mouth to start mouthing back, I would pick another toy and toss it. I think one time she kept going until she saw that I was serious and had thrown away about 10 toys! And of course it has taken time and it will get better as they get older, but only if you establich the precedence now that you will not tolerate such behavior. And one other thing, it was very difficult for me in the beginning, but you have got to try to stay as calm as possible when these discipline issues are going on. Don't put the power in her hands and allow her to know how much she is upsetting you. Try to look at it as her trying to feel her way around in this world and just help her to understand that you have rules and you expect that they will be followed or there will be consequences.

I probably have babbled on a bit, but I hope that helps!

First of all, spanking makes an angry child more angry and teaches them that they cannot trust you and cannot share their feelings with you. A 3 year old is not capable of managing their emotions or properly verbalizing them. She is angry about something and my bet is it is the new baby. It is very hard to ask a 2 or 3 year old to give up being the baby and suddenly do what they are told. She needs more attention and some one on one time. And why is she hitting? Where did she pick that up? If you do not hit her, then you should be able to say "Mommy doesn't hit you, so you don't hit Mommy." We have never and will never strike our child - violence begets violence. My 2 year old swatted at me a couple of times and as soon as I reminded her that I don't hit her she said she was sorry and that was the end of that. You have to find a way to reassure her that she is still your baby too. She is hurting and that is why she is lashing out. Good luck.

Hello C.;

I am 56, a mother of one and a grandmother of one and I've raised them both the same way.

#1.) No child wants to be disaplined and they will react untill the cow's come home.

#2.) When a child needs time out for inapropriate behavior, take the child immediatly to the time out spot. Do it as calmly as you can and appear confidant even if you are a mess inside. Calmly say to the child the reason they are being placed in time out. Do not continue talking to the child while they are in time out. Just walk away. If the child leaves the time out spot, immediatly take the child back and place the child back in the time out spot. Do not talk to the child when you do it, and walk away again. continue to do this untill the time out period is over. The length of the time out is one minuite for every age of the child. Once the time out period is over. Go to the child and ask for a hug. Then tell the child you want them to tell you they are sorry for, what the inapropriate behavior was. Don't dwell on the bad behavior, once they've huged you and said they are sorry, Allow the child to leave the time out spot. If the child refuses to hug you and say they are sorry, then repeat the time out process again. Eventually the child will get the message. You must be consistant. Children want and need to be taught how to behave correctly. Yelling and arguing and fighting with a child never works. You are the one that has to be in control, not the child. Disaplin is a good thing when done correctly. Good luck and I wish you well.

She's trying desperately to get your attention, Mom! My 3 year old started being difficult and sassy when her baby sister was a few months old too. Now we've moved past it, baby sister is over a year old, and big sis is sweet as can be. Try taking your older daughter to a movie or even just to the grocery store without the baby and spending some 1 on 1 time with her. As for not going to bed until midnight, I don't know what that's about. She may be overtired and overstimulated. I would suggest no TV after dinner, make sure she's getting plenty of exercise and not eating anything that would hype her up.

My response will probably not be the most popular one but here it goes. She is 3! Bottom line. There is NO negotiating with a 3 year old. Short of letting her pick out her clothes she has no mental capacity to make "decisions" on her own. I have always been a fan of sassy sauce. This is simply soap in a special container that goes in the mouth right on the tounge when there are issues with the mouth. She will hate this, she will spit, and she will talk back again and you will again put more soap on the tounge. She is not allowed water for 3 minutes. She will eventually get it. Also the best respose from you is no speaking back to her. You do not need to respond to a sassy 3 year old. My thought is that you probably have interaction with her when she is sassing you. There is no need for this. Use the soap and let me know how it goes. You need to establish boundries and it sounds like she has pushed them. There is a great book out called Boundries for Kids. I would suggest you get it. There will be some of the book that you won't need right now, but it is a good thing to pick up every year as they get older. I am a stay at home mother of 4 and this method has worked with all my children. It makes me feel great inside and so proud of my kids when I am told how well behaved they are. Like I said at the beginning, my response may not be the most popular but you are the mom she is the child and that needs to be established.

Boy am I ever there with you! Our three year old has been acting out quite a bit since right before I gave birth to our second daughter and it only escalated when the baby got here. Like you I'm gong to school (on-line) and will soon go back to work. The girls will go to daycare, which kills me but is simply necessary. Our three year old has been in daycares since infancy as will the newborn but at least we are very happy with the care they get there and I consider most all the teachers in each classroom a friend.

Also like you my three year old won't take naps at home or at daycare. Every now and then we can get her to go to sleep by taking a car ride. She does go to sleep well at night though.
She too still has to have a sippy cup before sleeping but I've gradually gotten her away from the milk and am slowly working it up to water by cutting her juice with water over time. It was hard but I basically just told her that she could have juice or nothing. She threw a fit at first but I stuck my ground and she chose juice over nothing.
The only real remedy I've found for anything is to simply be a creature of habit. We have pretty solid schedule that we stick to, which can be hard since both my husband and I have night meetings for work, but it does work.

Dinner is at 6:00-6:30
The baby gets her bath at around 6:45 and then bottle and bed by 7:00 then the 3 year old gets her bath and bed by 8:00.
She has to have stories then songs and prayers then we turn off the light (there is a nightlight) and leave the room. She still tries to talk to us (evidently our dog talks to her and keeps her awake, or so she says =0) but no longer gets out of bed.
Basically it's the same as the Super Nanny show on TV says you have to stick to it. If they get out of bed, put them back, give them a kiss then leave the room. Keep doing it and eventually it does work.
I admit that I do feel guilty when I know she only wants extra time with us but life is just insane if we don't keep to the schedule, not to mention my husband and I don't get to talk to each other at all otherwise.
We're still working on the acting out part. Things are starting to get better. The only thing that has worked is reverse psychology. We were so stressed with the new baby we had resorted to yelling and time outs but like you they weren't working, she'd just do it again.
We then realized that the yelling was making everything worse. She saw how stressed and tense we were, evident from the yelling, and she just got even more hyped up.
So....we made ourselves stop, take a time out if we wanted to yell and then each time she did something bad we basically tried to ignore what she was doing (as long as it wasn't hurting her or others) because we knew she was doing it for attention. We then reversed it by making over her like crazy when she did something good. She still gets a time out when she does something that is just blatantly against the rules, but we try like crazy to give her the time out calmly and explain to her that when she can act properly (she'll still throw a fit but it's getting better and then is usually due to the wineyness from no nap) then she can come out and play with us again. It takes about four or five minutes for her to calm down but then I go in and ask if she's ready to come out of her room, give her a hug and she's a thousand times better the rest of the day.

I guess my advice is just find a ritual, try not to let it stress you too much and stick to it.
Hope this helps, I soooo know how hard it can be, it makes you want to scream, but as I said that only makes it worse. Hang in there!

Thought I'd add this. Since it took us so long to figure out how to get our three year old to go to bed by herself without hours of rocking and and crying we started the ritual thing right off with our newborn. After she gets her bottle I rock her for a few minutes (more for my benefit than hers I think =0) and then lay her down sleepy but still awake and she falls to sleep on her own. Here's the comical part of this, I'm so unused to a kid that can fall asleep like this I feel guilty for not staying in there with her even though she doesn't cry or seem to be bothered at all by the routine. Being a mom sure is hard isn't it! Even when you know you're doing right you still worry!

I have started something new with my 4 year old son. He is getting to where he will back talk us more so to my Husband. We have something called Sassy juice. Its vinegar and water, and everytime he backtalks us we squirt some in his mouth with a squirt bottle, ( HE HATES IT). but the back talking has slowed down. I figured it was better than spanking or yelling back at him. It has really helped. J.

Don't EVER, EVER put soap in your child's mouth. That is cruel and not necessary.

You need to show her YOU are the boss and you will be taken seriously. So when you threaten to put her in time out, or take away her favorite toys the next time she back talks or hits then you MUST see it through. And honestly, I'd take them ALL away. Who cares that you took ONE toy away, she has plenty others to play with and then, she has to earn them back, ONE BY ONE!

Milk is good for her, I suggest warming it up first, that will make her sleepy.

At 3, going to bed at 12-1 is UNEXCEPTABLE! She is playing you like a violin girl. You need to set up a routine. Bath time at this time, read a book at this time, drink your milk at this time then it's time for bed. If she gets up, you walk her back to her room and you lay her down. Do this over and over again, she will get the hint but if you falter, SHE WINS! And your back to square one.

One question? Where's Daddy? If he's their, is he helping? And when I say helping I mean, helping you carry through and being consistent with the discipline? Maybe he can also help with the other children while you concentrate on your 3 yr old.

Consistency is KEY!

Good luck!