Son - Williamsburg,KS

If I was you I would consider going for more custody so you would have more time to work with him. Get a lawyer and see if you can get 50/50 physical custody. I would also consider getting him a therapist, even if he can only see them every other weekend, it would be better then nothing.

Poor thing must be so confused. One tells him she loves him by babying him, the other swears she loves him by helping him be "independent".

God help him.

I would jump on mom and grandma but I bet they are doing what they know to do. Could they just change? Not likely.

And as for you, you have no idea what to expect from a BOY that age and are judging him three ways to Sunday. He is not your girls, he has been raised in a broken home, he only knows what he has been told for the last five yrs. he could just be totally different from your expectations and still be an awesome little lost boy.

Love will help him to blossom one day.
Rules without relationship equals rebellion. Good luck.

Has anyone taken him to the pediatrician? He needs a professional assessment so you can take the guesswork out of things and find out what's really going on. He may be overweight for a health reason, which would need to be assessed. If he has low muscle tone, that would get in the way of him doing things. If he has other issues, you all need to know for sure. If he's having trouble sleeping, that's going to mess up his health, his weight, etc.

He's only 5. The whole situation makes me want to cry. My parends divorced when I was 10, but I had to leave my school, my friends, everything. We moved several times between 6th and 12th grade and it sucked. And I was more mature when it happened. The poor kid needs help. You're all co-parents now. He's not your bio-child, but when you married his dad, he became your child too. He needs to feel that.

He could be depressed (considering the situation, not surprising) and because he's a little kid, he can't deal with it. Except maybe for just giving up. Shoot - adults have trouble with depression. Imagine how amazingly confusing it is for him. His bio-parents have been fighting for 2 YEARS about this and he's stuck in the middle. In one house he's glued to people and coddled too much. In the other house, the rules/expectations are completely different and he has to be independent and doesn't know how. He doesn't fit in either place, probably and doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere.

It does sound like you are being hard on him. My heart goes out to this precious little boy who's world has been upside down since he took his first breath.

If you had to change households as much as this little guy does, you wouldn't be full of confidence and independence either! Shame on you for not having more empathy for this child. I suggest you learn some and that you teach your children some.

The best thing you can do for this child is to realize his circumstances and then try to work within them. TEACH him how to take a bath or shower. For pity sake, he shouldn't be left alone in the bath at his age anyway. Do you propose to tell a 3 year old it's bath time and have him fill the tub, wash, dry and dress himself and come out to you all clean, dressed and smiling? Really? Did you leave your kids alone in the tub when they were three? Really?

It is so reasonable that he doesn't open up to people without multiple encounters. Again, he has been shell shocked since his arrival on this planet. He probably doesn't have much faith in most people, hence his reluctance to get involved with most people.

IMHO, you are expecting way too much from this little guy, especially given his circumstances. You should check your attitude - Karma is a bi*ch and you never know what the future might hold for you and YOUR children. Think of how you would want YOUR child treated and then treat your SS the same!

I'm sorry, A., but much of your post and your "So what happened" actually does sound like you are being too hard on him. This little guy isn't like your children, your 9 nephews or even yourself as a child from a broken home. He is his own unique little self, dealing with a lot of instability in his life.

I recommend family counseling as a way for you all to work together as a family. The fact that he doesn't want to be alone, doesn't shower or pick out clothes independently, or takes a long time to open up to people does not mean that he is broken. Nothing you listed sounds like it warrants a trip to the psychologist. He is guarding himself in the only way he knows how. The first step in creating a safe place for him is to stop analyzing him and measuring him up against how you think he should act.

Don't get me wrong......I don't think taking him to a child psych is a bad thing! Just be prepared to realize it might turn out that you will have to change how you think about all of this.

I hope all works out for good!

He is too old to be sleeping with his mother.
Not sure how she will respond to her ex, asking her to quit doing this.
So he needs to come up with something like "Hey good news, son now sleeps on his own!"

Also some children need to be given permission, to be given the idea and to be congratulated a lot, for doing what we consider "normal" things.

For instance. Our daughter would wake up early and just stay n her bed. Once she was old enough we told her. "If you wake up in the morning, you are allowed to go to the living room and watch cartoons." Of course we has spoken about not going outside, not cooking.. all of that type of thing..

For the bath, all you can do is follow the same procedures. "I have" filled up the bath, time for you to get in. I will let you play for 5 minutes, then dad will come in and remind you how to bath yourself.

And mom, encourage dad to follow the same routine. Have husband guide "son lets start with your hair. you get it all wet first. of pour just a little bit of shampoo. rub in in your hair real good. Good job, hey do not forget the hair over your ears!!.." Then he gives him the wash cloth and soap start at his face. then his neck front and back then shoulders. Dad help him with his back, then child sons chest.. And do this same thing every night.

Maybe let son know in the morning before you all wake up he is allowed to play with a toy in his bed or look at books, until others awaken.

Remind him of things he can do on his own. Some children do not know how to play because they have not spent enough time allowed to be creative or see how others play. "Son you can go outside and play on the swing set. Here is a towel you want me to pin it to your shirt so you can pretend you are a Super hero?"

You can have him be your helper with the laundry. "Help me sort clothes" Then guide this. "Help me fold the clothes( doe not have to be perfect).

At some point all of you play a board game together. Candyland. Have a build a sandwich lunch. lay out the choices and let him build his own sandwich.

At breakfast let him pour cereal in his own bowl. Let him pull the top off the yogurt. Let him open a package of crackers. He can spread the jam, the peanut butter.. Peel his own banana.

He just needs someone to tell him the rules, how to do things and show him he CAN do things for himself.

Then praise him a lot. You may need to explain to your children why you are doing this.

My stepbrother was exactly like this. It is amazing how you described your step son. He was an only child. They lived in the country. No other children around for him to play with until he started school. They actually lived in 2 houses right nest door to each other.

He became a giant baby. I felt so sorry for him. He would pout.

He would get a glazed look on his face when he was asked to do things for himself.

I recall at a restaurant when his food came he started whining because they had placed the lettuce and tomato on his plate.

He was 9!

He slept with his mother through 5th grade! Icky! And the only reason his father found out was because his son was leaving the bedroom light on all night at the house. They could not get him to turn it off and just use a night light. He was going to be in middle school the next year and was stunted.

I would have your husband first schedule a consultative appointment with the pediatrician. She or he knows him best from a developmental standpoint and will be able to give him an idea of whether or not there really are things to be concerned about or not. Your husband is his father and has the same rights and responsibilities for medical consultation as his mother does.

Also, does he go to Kindergarten or pre-school? If so, your husband should reach out to his school/teachers to see what they think. Again, it's as much his right and responsibility to have a relationship with the teachers and school staff as it is his mom's.

I say this as a step mother of a SD who was medically neglected without our knowledge. I paid for her health insurance and had the names of her pediatrician, eye doctor and dentist. What I didn't know was that by the time she moved in with us at age 13, she hadn't seen any of them in more than 5 years, nor did we know that she had been failing annual eye screenings at school and had other issues that the teachers and school psychologist had addressed with her mother, who did nothing. I had encouraged my husband time and again to establish his own relationships with all of these people but he didn't think there was anything to worry about and now regrets leaving these important relationships to her incompetent mother.

If he shares your concerns, and it sound like he does, then he can and should seek answers from people like his pediatrician and teacher(s) and then take appropriate steps to help him from there.

Poor baby. I'm sure it's more complicated than you can express on this forum but yes, it does sound like you are too hard on a 5 year old child who is shuffled between homes. My heart aches for him. I think your expectations of him are not realistic given where he is developmentally per your description. He sounds like a shy child who is having a hard time with his parents not being together. Are you all in family therapy? Maybe that could help.

He sounds like a bit of an odd duck -- just be kind and loving and accepting. You probably won't change him much but you can try and help him be a little more independent where possible. Just do it with love.

Boys are also generally less mature than girls.

Your expectations of a five-year-old are kind of high, I think. While your own children might have picked out their own clothes and dressed themselves at that age, not all kids do -- or have any interest at all; many would stay in pajamas all day and all night (and the same pair all week) if no one told them otherwise. Same with bathing: Did your kids bathe entirely on their own at five? Many kids don't and won't and sure don't remember to get the soap on or wash their hair. Five is still young enough to need oversight for most children. My kid is 13 and still forgets at times that it's the night she should wash her hair!

Add in the fact that you know for sure he gets babied at home with mom, plus the fact that a boy of five is likely not to care one bit about clothes or bathing, and I'm not sure why you expect anything different from him -- other than the fact your own kids did more, earlier. That's great for them and for you but it's not a yardstick for this boy or any other kid.

I agree, it's more of a concern if he is closed off with other people and won't speak -- but there is a long distance between a shy child who opens up once he's comfortable with a person and a child who is catatonic to the point of silent staring and zero response, ever. He sounds like the former. If your husband is concerned about the boy's shyness, your husband -- not you -- should talk to the ex about BOTH mom and dad being on board with an evaluation for their son. This is dad's role; if you push it directly with mom, she is likely to resist.

Also, do you know that he is equally reluctant to talk with adults who are new to him when he is on his mom's time? Is it possible that when he is with your family, which is much less of the time, he is much more reserved? Just something to consider. I hope dad and his ex have a relationship that is civil enough for him to talk with her and find out what the behavior is like on her time -- which is most of your stepson's life, frankly. Mom might be the "He's fine and perfect and you are just finding fault" type -- if so, how sad for their son.

See if you can get the son into a class or group that meets on the weekends he's with your family. Or if they don't already do this, son and dad could have some kind of hobby they pursue together -- whatever interests them both enough, whether they are building a birdhouse together or go hiking together or whatever. Together, here, means the two of them and not you and the other kids. Son might benefit from time only with dad on weekend visits. As for those seven weeks in summer, please, please get son into a good, fun and solidly run class each week, or a half-day camp for a few of the weeks (not all seven!) etc. He needs to be around other kids who are not step-siblings and to be doing things that he enjoys. Don't push camps or classes that are what dad or you want and not what son wants -- for instance, if he's not into sports, don' push a sports camp or he'll be miserable. Find other things for him to do on his own for a few hours at a time with good supervision and interesting activities. That can really help.

When I got with my now husband, his son was just a year old. I've helped raise him for 10 years now. When he was that age, we had some issues with him. At first we were just getting visitation too, but started finding out all sorts of things about his Bio Mom that led us to fight for full custody, and we Won! He was very spoiled by his dad, but had been through a lot with his mom, and we had to get him out of the habit of wanting to sleep in our bed as well til he was almost 6, then my husband had to sleep beside him in his bed then sneak out when he fell asleep for about a month, but it got better. Some of the behavior you're talking about kind of seems like he may just have some sort of development issues, a disorder maybe. Have you taken him to a doctor about the issues? If not I would suggest doing that. I just called my aunt and explained the situation to her, her work involves visits to houses to see if children are ready for preschool and kindergarten. She agrees to take him to a doctor, but maybe not just your family doctor, but someone who specializes in these things. Does he have video games? Maybe you could get a Wii or Kinect, something that gets him physically involved, and he doesn't feel lonely because he can interact with other kids and people online.

He's only 5 and I don't think it sounds like his behavior is something that is physically wrong its how he is treated with his mom. They do everything for him so why would he want to do anything for himself if he hasn't really experienced it. No need to be hard on him but start giving him choices with what to wear at night place it on the bed or somewhere for him to get dressed. Make a game out of it, where if he is dressed before breakfast he can get a treat (if he is over weight don't make it a food treat but maybe a visit to the park or swimming or something) Start a sticker chart with things you feel he should do by himself, brush teeth, shower checklist, first one to the door after getting home and holding it open for other people. He might like this one because he will get thanks from all the other people he might not feel very important to. Sounds like the kid needs more motivation and approval. What does he do besides stare at the wall. Maybe get him a little art pad or something in his room, of course with all washable markers and material. Maybe he would rather be at his moms house and feels sad that he's in his room. Find a way to get him to open up about that too. I think he sounds normal but not very happy.

To be quite honest he sounds like my son, except my son is 7 years old. I have 3 kids; 19, 17 and 7 year old. I'm guilty of doing a lot for my baby and he has a close attachment to me and my husband who stayed home with him as I worked. He didn't open up to people easily and still doesn't. He too is over-weight, but so am I and everyone but my middle son, he's just too skinny. Sometimes our "genes" play apart. Now my son does have a speech problems. My husband and myself were both in speech too as children.

I think his behavior sound fine. I think you are comparing him to too many other people. He's your son, and he's different than your daughters. His parents have split up and I think they both love him very much and have difference first of all in parenting styles, probably part of the split up. You have a different type too and feel strongly for children to be independent. I'm not saying that is wrong either, but there are some children and especially with everything he's going through that need more. He obviously has attachment issues. Both my boys never wanted to play by themselves, my daughter could get her dolls and play for hours without me there. My boys both need to be around people, my youngest not around a lot of people but at least one other.

Your posting made me sad for this boy. I'm not judging you either, you asked for opinions and this is mine. I think you need to just look at him in a new light. Accept who he is build him up. As parents give them the tools that will lift them up not bring them down. You have him every other weekend you say, well for an introvert 5 year old that is like starting over each time. Oh my goodness he must be filled with anxiety every time you goes to your house. (wonder why he has a weight problem) He goes from probably being the only child, every minute with his mother to you wanting him to be a 10 year old, dress himself, bath himself, play by himself.

I don't know your son, but I don't get where he as the mentality of a 3 year old, but a scared, abandoned introvert child. I think your husband is right too and you are too hard on him.