4 1/2 Year Old Asks for Help When He Can Do Stuff Himself

S., You already have a ton of responses and addmitedly I have not read through all of them but you clearly have a lot of great suggestions and comments, but I just wanted to add one thing...I have two little girls 2.5 and 6 and we sometimes struggle with this issue. And while I sometimes help my older daughter when she is needing that type of attention, what I typically do is say something kind of joking like "wait...I thought I had a 6 year old and I know that a 6 year old could brush her teeth [fill in the task] by herself..." and ususally that will lighten the mood a little and she will see that she is not really NEEDing the help but instead just wants te attention and then we talk about the beneifts of being older and of all the things she wouldn't be able to do if she really was a baby -- she wouldn't have her big girl bed, she wouldn't go to her big girl school, she would ahve to wear a diaper, etc. When she thinks about it like that she usually realizes that while its sometimes hard to be older, its often a lot more "fun" too! Good luck!

Hi S.

I can relate and have been contemplating the same thing. My 4 year old is often jealous of the attention my 16 month old gets...to the point that he asked me to put a diaper on him the other day. I did it for him and had him stand in front of the mirror the other day to see how silly it made him look. He laughed and agreed that he was too big to wear a diaper. I often just address it head on with my son and say, are you trying to get hugs and attention. He'll give me a smile and say yes. I'll tell him that I'll give him the hugs, but he can dress himself.... I think that they are smart enough to notice that when we dress them, we often give them hugs and more touching....and when they can accomplish these things on their own, their hugs decrease and they miss this, causing them to regress. So I try to build in the hugs independent of the tasks, but it is easy to get busy and forget. Asking for help is my son's way of letting me know he feels neglected. Rather than giving him help, I give him what he is really asking for, the hugs, but I acknowledge what he really needs......Who knows, I could be perpetuating some form of neediness in my own way, buts its how I handle it......open to suggestions as well!

I believe if he can do it then make him do it. He is just reacting to his sister getting more attention. Explain to him that she is still a baby and cant do it on her own yet just like when he was two you helped him too. Always tell him what good big boy job he is doing and that he is helping mommy by doing it himself.

S., he's only 4. He won't be asking for your help for very much longer. When he acts helpless while dressing, just laugh at him, grab him up, tickle him and help him get his socks on and enjoy it.

As Grandmas TM said -- he is only 4-1/2. They are only little for so long (I look back at how I raised my now 17 and 14 year old sons), and I may have babied them, and maybe gave in to little demands for attention, but they have grown up to be very mature, disciplined, respectful, kind and independent young men. I showed them lots of mommy love by helping out with little things (like help with clothes, tying shoes, getting their packs together for school, etc.) Try not to feel disgusted--he is a child. If you show him that you respect him in the small things, it will probably blow over. My husband used to get so angry with me when I helped them with home work when they were in elementary school (I'd sit down and go over every assignment, check over all work, share the reading of the chapters with them to make sure they didn't over think or get stressed out). He now realizes that that little bit of attention helped them through some stages where they may have been struggling, and as soon as they hit 6th grade neither of them wanted my help (except with some typing until they learned). There are limits, but you need to find them, not follow ones you may have grown up with.

HI S.,
I didn't read all of your posts, but wanted to respond to this because my 5 year old does the same thing!!!! It drives me bananas and I totally hear what your concerns are. I think your self-awareness is wonderful, by the way...

I don't know if this is the case with your son, but in our daughter's case she seems to do this the most when she is needing something else... affection, attention, not really help because she can't do it on her own. I have tried to help her identify when she NEEDS help and when she WANTS help. If she's tired and whining at me that she needs help dressing I say to her... I know that you are able to do this yourself, but you seem really tired today. Do you want me to help you this time? I think at 4 1/2 we expect too much sometimes. Yes they are able to do a lot for themselves, but also learning to cope with all kinds of different emotions and feelings about this ability. We too have a younger sibling situation and this adds to the mix. The older child is expected to do more, is able to do more... all the while watching mom still doing for the younger child. Does help the younger child is getting appearing in the form of more affection? Certainly she is getting more attention from you.

I don't think your son will learn helplessness. It is when we doubt our kids' abilities and take away what they can do that they start to feel that they truly are not able to do for themselves and that they are helpless. For example they proudly come to us after they have dressed themselves and they have put theor shirt on backward and instead of saying you got dressed all by yourself! I'm so proud of you... We say oh, son you've put your shirt on backwards... let mommy do it the right way. ANd this happens over and over.

In terms of the demanding that he does when he wants help, I think that is about conflicting feelings... but it doesn't mean it's ok. When our daughter does this I tell her that when she talks to me in that tone it makes me not want to help her, and I don't like to me spoken to in that way. Then I ask her to ask for help in another way. It helps her recognize how she sounds and to be more respectful even when she feels frustrated.

Good luck! It's good to recognize how our own childhood affects how we parent and be honest and willing to try to do it another way. I have a feeling that your kids will turn out beautifully!

I've been a preschool teacher for over 25 years, as well as a mom. This is very common behavior at this age--children are growing so dramatically, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and sometimes it just overwhelms them. They can feel torn between being your 'baby', who gets cared for and nurtured, and being big and strong and powerful.

I like what you said about a balance between refusing, and doing it for him-- and that balance can come over time, as well, not every single instance. So, some days, you might just say "I can see you really want my help right now, even though you know how to do that yourself," and help him cheerfully. Another day, you might say, "I'll help with your shoes, as soon as you get your shirt and pants on," and then go do something else until he's ready. And on a day when you know you are going to be really busy, you might prep him in advance and say, "Tomorrow we really want to get to the park before lunch, but I know I'm going to be (doing whatever), so let's make a deal. I'll take care of my jobs as fast as I can, you'll get dressed on your own, and we'll be able to go!" I would try to offer the extra help when he seems tired or stressed, or when you are in a rush, and raise the expectations when you yourself have plenty of time.

This is such a challenging and amazing time in a child's life, and from your letter I can see that you are working hard to give your children the best experience possible. Good luck!

Hi S.,

He is probably seeking some of the same attention that his sister is getting, that isn't a bad thing, it's a natural thing. Remember 4 1/2 really isn't that mature, it's ok that he want a little help and that you provide it for him, it won't make him helpless. He was the only child for 2 years and now has to share his parents with a sibling. I would cut him some slack. To give him the cold shoulder for wanting what is natural "attention" well, you are probably doing worse by that than IF you helped him. This phase will pass. My son who is now 7 used to want my help all the time and he is no less independent than other children, however as time passes, he wants my help less and less. I just go with it. Everything works out, what's important is that a child not be made to feel guilty for their basic needs such as being clothed, fed and loved. The rest will fall into place.

Hi S.,

I always say what you resist will persist....so change your outlook or perspective. If you can't give your son additional 1 on 1 time so that he get's the extra attention, make dressing him your extra 1 on 1 time with him and Love Him Up! Love him up and have him contribute to the task, I think this will help both of you as you won't harbor resentment. At the end of the day, your son will dress himself...can you imagine a teenager asking you for help with getting dressed? Now that I have two kids I can see why the older kids kind of regress at no fault of there own, they just want more love from mom...and love looks many ways to children. Getting dressed is an intimate time, love him up!

S.

Hi S., Let me start out by saying you already have succcess. Success isnt measured by material things or how big our bank accounts are.....to me it is measured by other things: do you have love, do you give love, having a roof over our head and food in our bellies, and our health to name a few. My only child is almost 9 and he still asks for help with things I know he can do himself. At times it may be that he is feeling needy that day or just wants to be close to mommy so i TRY to take a few seconds and figure out what else may be going on. Some days I help him and some days I dont. Alot of times it truly depends on how much time we have......maybe not the best approach but that's how it is some mornings. I really dont have any great advice on the subject but I must be honest and point out that you used the word 'disgusted' twice and that is pretty harsh. Im sure he must pick up on that. How about turning it around and saying something to your daughter like "Wow, look what brother can do"....or saying to you son "Show sister how big of a boy you can be by doing
that yourself". Ya know, make him feel like the big man on campus. I'm wondering if it will only get worse if he continues to feel your disgust - meaning he will continue to go on and on and ask for help in the hopes that you will treat him/help him as you do with your daughter. Good luck and remember you do have success.

S.,

I feel the bitterness you still harbor from your own childhood is spilling over into the upbringing of your children, especially the 4 1/2 year old. Yes, if you feel or act disgusted, your family will pick up on it.

If you have any kind of relationship with your parents, I would try to resolve some of your hurt feelings, because it sounds like your parents raised you to be independent and you want to do the same for your kids, but don't how.

I suggest that you ask your little boy for some HELP with his sister and little things around the house. "Can you help with sister's sox and shoes?" "Can you put sister's sweater on before we go out?" You can also ask him to get things for you because he's such a good big brother and helper. Let him know often that you really need and appreciate his help.

Blessings....

4 1/2 is a little young for complete independence every day. dressing is baffling/confusing to some kids. it's great you want independence for you child and great you don't want to repeat negative experiences.
tips: set out clothes the night before; make part of going to bed routine. he's a boy, so it's easy limit choices to streamline the process.
kids space out and get distracted while dressing. this is normal.

Reward rather than punish and nag. I recommend reading the book the Kazdin method for parenting the defiant child. it's really about every day problems with normal kids, not particularly 'defiant' ones. he explains how you model and practice the desired behavior. (you can involve your kid for problemsolving to achieve the desired behavior. maybe he'll carry his clothes to the kitchen and dress there while you make breakfast for a while, or maybe he wants to make a getting dressed poster with you, to remind him of what to do next and to not get distracted); then kazdin spells out a reward system. Plan on guiding him through getting dressed for a while...and try not to see this as doing it for him. He'll be 7 before you know it and you'll miss all the time you spent 'helping' him. Parenting means instructing and modeling and teaching, not just setting the bar. help him get where you want to do with all the loving spirit you express in your message.

Hey S.. I really understand where you're coming from, since it sounds like we were raised similarly.

I do a "good habits" chart with my daughter (who's 3) and make a big fuss when she demonstrates independence. She gets stars and words of praise when she, for example, dresses herself, feeds the cats, clears the table, sits with a book or colouring book on her own for five minutes, etc... -- basically whenever she demonstrates co-operation and independence. When her chart is full (20 stickers), she gets a "special prize" -- most recently a calendar (she's figuring out the concept of weeks, months, etc.), but in the past a new fish for her tank, a special lunch box, gardening gloves, or even a little roll of leftover Hallowe'en candies. Nothing expensive, but something concrete that reminds her she is being rewarded for her positive behaviours. It has helped a lot.

Good luck with your little guy, who yes, sounds like he needs some little nuturing nudges toward independence. He'll get there -- and you will too!

K. in EC

Big people and little people (spouses and children), regardless of age, always need a certain amount of attention and will do whatever works to get it. If given lots of attention for being good, they'll repeat those behaviors. If given attention for whining or demanding or throwing tantrums, we will train them to repeat that again next time 'cuz it worked last time. My kids are grown now, but when they were small, I gave them so much attention for being happy and positive that they didn't need to resort to negative attention-seeking. The advice of "praising kids for being good" proved highly effective for me and my kids. I also taught them that they can tell me with words that they need attention, and that they didn't have to act out to get it. This helped both of us, and they learned to start monitoring their own feelings.
Good luck! And remember to give your husband attention, too!

Hello,
Just wanted to add that I've been feeling similar to you with my 4 yr. old son recently (no sibling involved)! and the thing that has helped the most is me finally going to some classes for myself. After much reading, I tried an introductory meditation class at a local yoga studio and it really helped ME...the very next day it helped me deal more effectively with my recently challenging 4 yr. old.
The issues did not disappear, I simply didn't feel so drained and resentful of the regressive situation, AND when I did talk to him (again) about our recurring conflict, tiny things resolved JUST a little bit better that time around-and that little bit better was what I needed. It gave me the hope I was missing. I felt like I could keep parenting him through this tuff time (for all of us), and you may be needing to refuel in a similar way? with something that benefits you?

Parenting is definitely a long haul and it's hard when you're feeling drained (and anxious) so I'd suggest looking into something that feeds you and then you'll probably be able to help him through the inevitable ruff spots. From your question, it really sounds like you intellectually understand what's going on and what's at stake... yet it is still really difficult to respond to when you're feeling a negative emotion...I'd advocate for something physically and emotionally for you to help turn the tide in everyone's favor. Moms' feelings are very important to pay attention to, and I think you are wonderfully tuned in. Go with finding a way to shift that and all your other instincts will take you in the right direction.

If he is looking for attention, try giving it to him with lots of hugs and kisses. When he asks for help, go and spend the time with him, ask him to show you. Give him lots of positive attention for doing it himself. Talk with him about his clothing choices ("Why did you choose that tshirt? Do you like the color....) and tell him that you can count on him to do it right.

I'm not sure how long you'll have to do it (a week or two?), but it will save trouble in the long run. Once they exhaust ways to get attention positively, they turn to negative behaviors.

S., I must say that I applaud you for your awareness and your obviously sincere desire to provide the very best to your sons. I have had some of the same basic struggles as you described--I wished to not repeat the patterns that were laid out and ingrained into me as a child growing up. I have challenged myself to change my responses and to find the love and peace and acceptance that was unavailable to me growing up. My process has been a deeply spiritual work wherin I have received much healing. I believe that this work has enabled me to parent from a much more healed place. One of my issues was reacting with anxiety to my own negative responses to parenting situations--in short, I was so afraid of repeating mistakes with my own kids that I would feel frozen and panicked inside. It really robbed me from so much of the joy that comes with parenting. It wasn't until I began to receive the healing in my life that I was able to accept that I would make mistakes, and that it would all be O.K. I have repaired so many breakdowns in my relationship with my kids. I have apologized to them and asked for their forgiveness at times. (We, of course, still maintain authority in our home and have respectful kids--except for some normal teen moments with challenges). I think that realizing Grace in my life has been huge. Now I do not have to fear or have anxiety. Trust me--'white knuckling' your way through the hard stuff will not cut it. If you have any further questions about what kind of healing I am talking about, then I will be able to perhaps give you a little bit more detail on the process that I went through. I may also have some book receommendations for you. I wish you the very best in your parenting endeavors. I believe that you will find the answers you are looking for. Best, K.

Hi S.,

My 4 year old son has been doing the same thing. His older sister broke her femur and had been home from school for almost three months. So, he regressed a little while she was there. I also felt resentful and like strangling him because he was asking for so much help doing things he had been doing on his own for so long.

So, when he started asking me to help him pick out his clothes or button his shirts, trying to get me to not help my older daughter, I started asking him to help me with her. He was stronger and able to do the things that she couldn't. This helped some. Then I also told him to try to do whatever he wanted help with for 5 minutes and if he was still having a problem, then I would help him. This gave me a chance to finish what I was doing and take a time out before going in a helping him.

I think if you try to give him more responsibility for his little sister, like have him pick out her clothes and help her get dressed (no diapers), it may make it easier on you. Just remember he is 4 and take a deep breath when her clothes don't match.

D.

Hi S.,
I read through some of the responses but not all of them, so excuse me for any repetition. I have 4 girls between the ages of 7 years and 8 months. The two middle girls went through that stage as well. It's a normal progression for children with siblings and it doesn't last long. However, it is hard to deal with while it's going on. My husband and I made a pact when we were pregnant with our second that we would be sure to pour the attention on to our first daughter even more than before. We've seen so many times the effect that the shifting of attention has on the older ones and we wanted to avoid that. When our second was born, we instantly began loving on our first even more than ever before. We have continued that with all of them. If we are busy doing something with the baby that can wait for a few minutes, we stop what we're doing and help the older ones with whatever they "need" at that moment. I personally do not have a problem with the regression because it is completely normal. If I'm doing something I can't stop, I tell them I need to finish this and then you're next, and follow through with it. At this time in their life with a younger sibling in the house who requires more attention that they do, I don't worry about teaching independence. Independence is something they naturally gravitate to, anyway. And once this phase passes, they will go right back to "I can do it myself!" The key, for us at least, has been to smother them with love, attention and caring....and a special little gift just for them every now and then doesn't hurt, either! I believe it is because of this that our daughters are so loving and sweet to each other...because we modeled it to them physically ourselves. We are disciplinarians, too, but there is a time for giving loving discipline and a time for giving love. All too soon the times when they need us and ask for our help will be a thing of the past and we will long for those days because we are mothers, and that is inherent in every mother. My own mother used to sing a song to us called "Don't Wish The Good Times Away." It's a sweet song about not being in a hurry for our children to grow up. She never could get through it without crying at some point, and now that I'm a mom myself, I realize why. Each day that goes by, each milestone our children reach, each phase they go through, we never can reproduce that specific moment in time. It's gone and we don't get it back. So I encourage you to smother both of your children with love and attention and praise whenever you can, even if it doesn't seem like they're asking for it. It creates a secure world for them to thrive in, and in doing so, they automatically will have the confidence to become independent on their own. Try this. Whenever your oldest asks you for help with something you know he can do anyway, take a deep breath, put a big smile on your face, go to him and "help" him and love on him, even if you only have 30 seconds. Give him big, fat, huge mama kisses and squeeze him tight and lavish him with love. All we're promised is the moment we're in right now. Beyond that, no one knows. So enjoy each moment, and Don't Wish The Good Times Away.
-Lovingly and from a Mother's heart.

My son at 2 1/2 also ask for help with many things that he can do. I am also like you where I want to raise him to be independent and responsible for things he can handle. Instead of helping him, I now stand next to him and talk him through it step by step while encourging him the whole time. He get so excited when he does it by himself that now he seems to be asking for a little less help. Maybe that will work for you.

If you don't want to act on your personal issues, then you really need to reprimand yourself for feeling "disgust" at the needs of a 4 year old. You need to push such feelings aside. When your kids are almost out of the house, as mine are, you will realize how incredibly young 4-1/2 is, and you will feel bad for feeling that way. His brain isn't formed yet.

He wants to be nurtured. Nurture him. Help him get dressed. He is only wanting touch and attention. When you do that he will grow into a much more secure, self-sufficient adult than he will if you deny those needs at this young age.

And I PROMISE you he will not ask you to dress him when he is in high school. And then you will so MISS those days when you got to dress your sweet, little baby.

Julie K. said it perfectly.

I haven't read all your responses yet, so this suggestion might be a duplicate... Your situation reminds me of how things were at our house. What helped us was getting a sticker chart going. You won't want to have to do a sticker chart everyday forever, but it's a good tool for getting new habits established. Here are two ways we've done ours:

*Have a chart that lists 3-5 behaviors that you'd like to see each day. A couple of these can be things that the child is already doing pretty well (guaranteed success), but one or two should definitely be things that need improvement. Our list would look something like this:
1. take a turn brushing my own teeth; 2. help set the table for dinner; 3. dress myself in the morning; 4. wake up in my own bed. At the end of the day, give a sticker for each thing accomplished, and at the end of the week add up all the stickers and have some kind of little reward. Our reward was a penny (or nickel) per sticker.

*Have a sticker chart that just lists one thing that needs to be improved, such as "I dressed myself today". Then have about 14 spaces after it (for two weeks, say). Every day the task is accomplished, the child gets a sticker, and when all spaces are filled, it's time for a little reward. In our house the last space was marked "$1" and they got a nice dollar bill for their wallet. (Can you tell our kids are motivated by money? :)

Before starting our sticker charts, we would sit down with our kids and have an explanation something like this, "You're going to be 5 soon (or, you're already 4 years old!), and it's so wonderful to see you growing bigger and able to do so many great things that you couldn't before. But there are also some big kid things that you need to learn how to do so that you're ready to be 5 (or, now that you're 4). We're going to practice these things so you can get good at them and you'll be all ready to turn 5 when your birthday comes." (Right now my daughter is learning how to brush her teeth just right all on her own so she'll be ready to turn 6...) Good luck with it all.

Dear S.,
When my daughter was 4, she was already in kindergarten and INSISTED on dressing herself.
Oh, the days she went around looking like a little nut-cake. But, we never died from her wearing a flowered shirt with paisely pants. Or, wearing her pants backwards because she thought it was prettier for the bow to be in the back.
I think your son is wanting to be dressed the way you dress the baby. He's still pretty young and needs attention too, so maybe when he gets out of the bath at night you can help with putting some lotion on him and getting him in his jammies.
Make a couple of drawers in the bottom of his dresser where he can reach that has underpants and socks, shirts and pants and make a game of him "surprising" you with what he puts on. Don't worry if what he chooses doesn't match, but make sure if you are going out that what he can reach is weather appropriate. If you're indoors where it's warm and he wants to wear a tank top, who cares? My daughter ran around in a tu-tu and her bathing suit on those days.
Let your son feel "big" about choosing his clothes.
It's pretty obvious when a kid dresses themselves and I can't tell you how many times I went to the grocery store with shoes on the wrong feet or a shirt on backwards. It's not that I wasn't paying attention as a mother, I just had to let my kids do that because they were so proud of themselves. Not one single person ever said, "Good heavens...doesn't she know how to put clothes on that kid?" Kids dressing themselves is kind of a right of passage and you just have to go with it.
Praise your kid no matter what he comes out of his room looking like. They become fastidious soon enough.

Best wishes!

My soon to be 7 year old daughter asked for help getting dressed just this morning. She finally confessed to just wanting company. We told her if she had phrased her request that way, it may have been granted. Your 4 year old may not realize that company is what he wants and is asking for you the only way he knows - needing help. Offer company, without helping, just be there, maybe sitting on the bed, maybe straightening up the books, but being with him, and see if that helps his independence. Good luck.

I see you have some good suggestions given already. I just want to mention that I'm a few years over 4 1/2 and still get into situations sometimes where I need to ask my husband to help me untangle something for me, because I messed up when trying to put a garment on. Even though a child basically knows how to dress himself, he is still learning. I think we need to simply give a little boost sometimes, even if it is only a verbal assist to give the child confidence. Your thought that part of it may be he is feeling left out when he sees you helping the younger child is likely right on too. Patience with him should do wonders, and you may even find that in a few weeks he'll be telling you to leave him alone because "I can do it myself!"

Hi S.,
I admire your awareness and that you chose how to be with your son, rather than acting out on a habit formed in your childhood. That's already a good start, in my opinion. I think that our kids are often teaching us about our most vulnerable places and/or our shortcomings. I personally have to face my own selfishness on a frequent basis. :-) As for how to do it for him, I think it is best you sense where it is coming from. Maybe he feels competitive with her sister? She is younger and gets more help (read "attention") than he does. In any case, I do not think that by attending to his needs, you'll make him needy. On the contrary, needs fulfilled usually make one more secure in the long run, b/c unconsciously the kid is learning that he is safe and that "the world" would respond to him when he needs something. You can encourage him to be more independent by paying attention and rewarding him when he does something on his own. And when the reaction comes in you in response to his whining, remind yourself that you can chose differently. You are coming from love to him, and are not repeating the patterns of parenting you learned as a child. It is not easy, but we have a choice, it is a matter of what you decide to do. I think with your awareness you'll quickly figure out the middle ground, just let your response come from your heart not habit.

I'm not yet a mom (my due date is July 27) but I'm a teacher and have some experience working with children, so please of course take my advice with a grain of salt. If it seems like your older child is competing for your attention by acting more helpless than you feel he is perhaps you can try engaging him with being the big brother and helping his sister by either demonstrating his skills in dressing himself or by explaining how it's done ("first, put on the socks, then put on shoes"). This way he can get attention and positive feedback for independence at the same time. If you can't manage having the 2 work together in that way maybe you can arrange for him to demonstrate his skills to you and/or your partner. As a teacher, I find my students really want me to see that they have finished a task and get praise for at least completing it and hopefully for doing it well. You could prime him for this kind of positive feedback loop by praising him when he does what you expect in terms of being independent or try giving him appropriate tasks that are just for him, ones that his sister isn't old enough for yet, so that he can feel good about his role as older sibling instead of sad about not being the baby anymore. Good luck, relax and don't forget to breathe!!

He probably is seeing the help his younger sibling is getting and he just wants the same. I had the same situation when I had two granddaughters living with me. One was 1 and the other was 4. I just kept telling the 4 year old that I wanted an older child; I didn't want another baby, I needed an older child. After a while, she stopped trying to be a baby. Also, by letting her do some stuff that the younger one could not do encouraged her to want to be "older" rather than a baby. When it comes to him dressing himself, I would suggest staying in the room and verbally assisting him, but try not to physically assist him. That way, he's doing it on his own, but he's not left alone to do it. Good luck. This is tough but once the older one figures out that being older has its benefits, he will change things. Also, four is a hard age. They are kind of in between being a toddler and being a "big" boy. It's hard for them to figure out.

Hi S.,

I think it's admirable that you recognized that this situation pushes buttons from your own past childhood. Here's what I suggest-
When it comes time to dress your children, ask your 4 year old if he wants help, or does it want to do it "all by himself!" This is allowing him to make the decision BEFORE it escalates into the demands, whining, and tantrums. Hold him to his decision as much as you can- for he might change his mind during the dressing time.
When he does it on his own, clap, and high five! Lots of praise for making decisions to be independent, responsible, and doing things on his own.
Also, ask him, does your sister want help today? Or can she do it all by herself? Ask him to help you dress her-
If he decides to whine or make demands during any of this, let him know to use his words, and ask you nicely to help him.
Whining, demands and tantrum throwing are a sign of communication breakdown-and also a way the children gets attention- the attention part is OK once they know to use his/her words. You'll see once he learns to ask you, it will make getting dressed easier because he's not throwing tantrums, and he's asking for help (attention).
Throughout the day, tell him "Mommy is giving you attention, do you like this attention?" And then point out, that during the time to get dressed, giving him attention can be just saying good job, or giving him high five!
Hope this helps!
C.

Hi S.. I also have two children 2 years apart. We went throught the same exact thing! So irritating, until I tried to look at it from his perspective. I'll give you what worked, because a lot of what I tried didn't.
Extra time doing things with him that only he could do because he was "bigger" "older". Play dough, sleeping on the top bunk, going out to the car to get something, chewing gum. I really started praising him when he would show his age by something he did and kept telling him that Conner is learning from him. When Conner would stack blocks like him, or push a car like him or copy what he was doing I tel him "Look, you're teaching him! Good job son!" More time with him, more patience & more snuggles & love are what worked. Tons of praise rather than tons of yelling, grumbling & time outs. When I started focusing on the positive, he gave me more of it. When I started focusing on all the irritating things, he gave me more of it.
Even still now, he's five & in school, the dynamics are the same. He has moments when he acts like he's two and then will act so mature. They are becoming much less frequent though. They are trying to find their nitch in the family. If they are too immature to be a big kid but too big to be the baby it is hard for them to figure it out. I tell him it is his job to help his brother learn how to be a big boy. Having my older son show him how he puts on a shirt or even helping his little brother put it on. It became fun for the both of them, that is until my youngest wanted to start being a big boy himself & do everything himself. Trial & error for us, but in the end we found what works. His self esteem & confidence in his abilities & how proud he gets of my youngest when he does something the he taught him is great! Hope this helps a little.

I'm sure you have more than enough advice on this, but I thought I'd add my 2 cents. I also have a 4-1/2 year old (daughter with no siblings though), and we struggle with the same issue. Some of the things I've noticed that work for us are:
- Allowing enough time in the morning for her to get dressed herself. If we're really short on time, I tend to be short with her which doesn't help the situation.
- Choosing clothes the night before so they are ready in the morning. The few times we've remembered to do this, I've noticed it has helped.
- Racing her to see who can get dressed first or if she can get dressed before I do something else like get breakfast ready.
- Telling her that if she doesn't get dressed she won't have time to eat breakfast before school. This one works well, we've never missed breakfast before school so far.
- Ditto on the comment already made about having clothes for them that are easy to get on (elastic waist, slip on shoes, etc.)

As far as the sibling issue, I don't have experience on that but have seen how alot of families emphasize to the older children how important their job is to help their younger siblings & be a role model to them.

One last thing...You might also try mentioning to someone in front of your son, how proud you are of him that he is getting dressed all on his own now - especially someone he really likes/admires. Hope this helps. Good luck to you. :)

We have 2 boys: 8 & 3.5 yrs. On occassion I still help our 8 yo get dressed (!) mostly cuz he's such a pokey-joe at times & I need to be someplace. That said, set your 4.5 yo up for success: give him clothes that he can get on & off w/o much help, like elastic waisted pants, slip-on or velcro shoes & loose-fitting t-shirts. A tip to get his jacket on himself: lay it upside down on a low table, couch or the floor, have him slip his arms into the armholes & then 'flip' it up & over his head to get it on or put the hood on his head & then he puts his arms through. If you can, add in extra time into your mornings to help him if he needs it but all the while encouraging him to do it himself. Tell him you want him to try first & then you'll help him. Praise him for trying &/or being successful.
Tell him what a big boy he is, how good of an example he is to his litlle sister. Our younger son is the exact opposite: wants to do it all himself & get really pissy if we try to help. He loves nothing better than stripping down to his birthday suit running around the house 'nakie!' Luckily, he only strips down at home & not anywhere else! And like others have said, 4.5 yrs. is still kinda young to get completely dressed himself & he won't go to college being dressed by you! Enjoy it now while helping him become independent. Best of luck!

The fact that your asking makes you a GREAT mother. We all bring our own childhood into raising our kids. How could we not it's what made us, us. Don't be so hard on yourself. What he really is asking for is attention. Give him lots of praise when he does it on his own. We often forget to take the time to praise when the older child is doing well when we are dealing with all that has to be done for the younger child. Try asking BIG brother to show his little sister how it is done. I often told my older child how much the younger learns from her. Also, make sure your making alone time with your older child. It is very important. Keep up the good work!

My son has been going through this helpless thing too lately. I know that during his 2-3 year he has dressed himself in parts and could do it. Since I am a stay at home mom with just the one kid it was just easier to dress him on auto-pilot. When he turned 3 I realized I wasn't doing him any favors. So I started insisting that he dress himself. Part of the reason he wants me to dress him is that he is getting direct attention so I started sitting on his bed with him while he dressed. If he wasn't actively getting dressed I would leave his room. He had to get dressed before he could come out. Now he is getting pretty good at getting dressed on his own, even if he brings clothes out to my desk and gets dressed near me.
It sounds like your son's helpless act is to get attention so you just need to figure out a way to give him attention while he is performing the tasks or as soon as he finishes them. I know with another child in the house it will be a challenge.

Hi S.,
I have a 5 1/2 year old girl who has the same issues as your son. I also hear a lot of my same frustrations in you. Thank you so much for asking this question that I was too nervous to ask. I read all the responses thus far and they are very helpful. I know that when I spend that one on one time with my daughter getting dressed and am not so angry or anxious, things go much better! I hope you found some good answers in the responses as well. Good luck with everything,
G.