Do You See a Difference in How People React to Your Child Based on Dress?

I've never noticed looks about the way one of mine was dressed, no matter how bizarrely, perhaps they were thinking a 4 year old shouldn't be getting in the way and be in the cart instead? I don't know, it's just a thought : )

I could see how some stranger may think "This lady can't control her kids in the store. She even lets her kid dress themselves ridiculously and then run around the store. Grr." Sometimes it's the time of day or day of the week for those people who want to go into Costco and get out. So maybe it's because it's Friday and people want to get out of there and were already on edge.

Me - I do let my son dress himself. It's the underwear that's on backwards and/or inside out that cracks me up. Luckily no one sees that. And since boys have a lot less accessories, he doesn't get too many rude looks. Last time we went to the store, he dressed normally (jeans, t-shirt) and then wore his Spiderman mask he got for Christmas. He got a lot of smiles from people. He got called "Spiderman" "Superman" and "Batman" multiple times that day (I know, weird, as it was clearly a red mask with black webs on it). He wasn't running around - he stayed in the cart.

My 7 yr old son wanted to wear a button down shirt and tie for some reason (I have no idea where he came up with this - his dad does not dress like that!) and his Nana bought him these things over xmas. He has worn them twice and everywhere we went people smiled at him and gushed over him. He got a lot of attention from strangers. Normally he likes to wear skater hoodies. I think it does make a difference unfortunately!

at restaurants the waiters might be a bit more *understanding* to a disobedient child because they want a tip

if you are willing to admit this much disobedience about your daughter, then you should try to reign her in more

I think it's super cute when kids dress themselves. i love the polka dot, stripe, flower combination many kids come up with. Even boys like to dress themselves and sometimes my 6 year old looks a hot mess. I will usually smile and think a kid looks cute....unless they are misbehaving.
I don't care if the kid is in a princess dress or wearing grubby clothes....if they are being naughty they are not cute.
L.

Yeah, it probably was the way she was dressed.
The fact is, people do judge...first impressions are mainly based on looks and they have a big impact.
Studies have shown the better you are dressed/groomed, the better you will be treated....as someone who is NOT 'into' fashion and dressing up and would prefer to just be casual, I hate it....but I know it's true.
I love kids though, no matter how they are dressed....I would have smiled at your daughter. :)

My children dress themselves. Sometimes, they wear cowboy boots and superhero capes out and it is fine by me. However, we do have expectations, if going to church or somewhere nice, they must dress nicely.

I love seeing a kid who has obviously dressed themselves. It's when they are dirty and unkempt looking is when I tend to be a little bit of an eyebrow raiser.

As for kids acting up, I don't care how they are dressed, all kids act up. The only time it annoys me is when the parents don't do a dang thing about their behavior, at least trying to correct/discipline/distract the child is what I expect, whether it is successful or not. If they just let the child act up without doing a thing about it, I think it's just lazy parenting... couple that non-discipline with a disheveled looking kid and it really looks like lazy parenting, so that would most likely be where the looks come from.

(I'm not calling you a lazy parent by the way, just how it could be perceived.)

In LIFE if you are dressed nicely you get away with more.

A couple well dressed kids (teens, young adults) sitting in a park will be left alone. A couple of raggedly dressed ones will have the police called on them.

A good friend of the family is old money. Hundreds of millions old money. He's also a biker, and spends about 6mo on the road. He got into town a few years ago and walked into the downtown branch of his bank because he'd had his wallet stolen, and was shown the door.

The next day he came in in his suit worth more than my car, clean shaven, and explained the identical problem. He was shown extreme courtesy and walked through the process of verifying his signature and getting a new card. At which point he closed all of his accounts with the bank. Which were worth more than the gross national product of some countries. The bank was horrified. When asked why, he told them. It was a very Pretty Woman kind of story that gets brought up at least once every year or two. That bank, for YEARS following, was the friendliest place I've ever been to... and the only one I personally know of that doesn't chase out people who LOOK homeless.

I spent part of my childhood in southern california. I could dress howEVER I wanted. My latino friends could not. If I was in sweats, and jogging, no problem. If THEY were in sweats Each. And. Every. Time. there would be glares, shouts, and occasionally the police called. Because they weren't "jogging" they were "running"... which people took to mean theives or illegals up to no good.

In South Carolina, my neighbor used to cornrow my hair for me (they were black, I've just got white girl fro). One night we get a knock on the door. It was the police wanting to verify that our neighbor WAS our neighbor (ID inside the house they'd locked themselves out of on accident). Someone had phoned that a black man was breaking into a house. He was going in his window. The police were awesome... the house was empty, ID inside, THEY couldn't go in... and they weren't about to let a suspected burgler go in... but they checked with neighbors instead of just arresting him.

People make ALL sorts of judgements based on appearance. Clothes, skin, cleanliness. Part of it is learned, and part is instinctual (the judging is instinctual, how we judge what, is learned).

Kids, adults... clothes, race, weight, sex, height... life really is like middleschool needing the "right" clothes... it's just that people don't out and out SAY that when they get older.

I guess shabby clothes could really effect some people, but your daughter's outfit sounds very, very cute, it clearly indicated she had picked it out rather than a disheveled look that COULD indicate she came from a dysfunctional home. I would think Most people will judge more on a child's behavior. Is it possible she got more impatient looks from irritated shoppers because she was a little more irritating than usual? I dont know, I wasnt there. From what you describe I would simply be thinking -what an adorable child, I wonder why her mother is letting her get in front of people's carts where she could get hurt. and I would be irritated by you, not her. Or maybe she was just a typical antsy four yr old and you (like many moms) are feeling judged by people who may just be trying hard not laugh at her feistiness! sometimes it's hard to read people when you dont know them.

I don't judge a book (child) by its cover (clothing). I judge them by their behavior. Maybe her behavior was more erratic than normal today...

well, I am from San Clemente and I totally know what you mean. We moved here to VA a year ago. I think a lot of it has to do with the OC. People who live around there care very much how they look and dress and only want to be around the same type of people. I'm not bashing everyone from the OC or anything, because I'm actually very homesick right now and wish I could just take a nice walk on the pier or sit on the beach all day like I used to. I have noticed out here in VA, people don't care as much how you dress or look. My kids don't always match and often dress themselves. Honestly I never let them do that when we lived in San Clemente.

I have to say, if I think about it, that I'm more judgmental about really well-dressed kids acting horribly than normally or even badly dressed kids. I try not to give looks (been there myself with the kid I'm trying to haul out of a place), but when I see kids acting like total brats running around in head to toe Ralph Lauren, it irks me more. It's not that I expect them to act better than other kids, but I just feel like they're perhaps being raised with an overall spoiled sense of entitlement. I know that's quite judgmental of me, and I've dressed my own boys in head to toe Polo and other expensive garb before, but personally that's just the way I feel.

I come from backwoods poor and went out in public and school in very mismatched, old clothing and were often dirty. We were always looked down upon. I make a very conscious effort to take my girls out in clean, cute clothes and worry that we'll be judged if they look a little rag-a-muffinish. I do not dress them to the nines, but make sure the clothes are in great shape (no rips or stains) and their hair is kept pretty tidy. (Insecurities from my childhood...I know.)

I think the attitude is: If you can't dress your kid (or keep them clean), that you don't care what your kid looks like and if they are misbehaving, then you must not care about that either. Basically, you are a bad parent that doesn't care about your kids if they are not dressed appropriately and are expected to have bad behavior.
People take this prejudice out on the kids because it is safer to give a kid a dirty look than the parents.

So yes, I've seen it and felt it. It's not right, but what prejudice is?

At 4 I doubt the kid would get looks. But kids at school are horrible so by the time she is in 3rd grade it will matter.

I think for little ones (say under 10), dress shouldn't matter so much. I agree with the previous post that it could be many different factors.

But, I do believe that as kids hit jr. high and high school, how they dress makes a huge difference. Bottom line, (older) students act the way they dress. My "too cool for words" dudes who wear baggy butt jeans, beanies over greasy hair and ratty-tatty t-shirts act the way they dress...too cool to learn, act appropriately, etc. They are often treated as good-for-nothings because that's how they dress. On the other hand, I've chaperoned prom for nearly 20 years now and I've NEVER seen a guy in a tux start a fight. Same goes for girls. If a girl dresses like a tart, that's how she acts (whether or not she really is) and people treat her as such. If a girl dresses more modestly...well, you get the picture.

I've seen adults, including myself, do exactly the same thing. It's much easier to "take it easy" on casual dress Friday than it is on "dress-up-because-the-superintendent-is-visiting" Tuesday. I've seen this both inside and outside of education. Case in point, when I lived in my previous state, there were two bookstores in town, directly opposite each other. One bookstore was staffed by employees who dressed very professionally. I NEVER got bad service in that store. The employees were "johnny on the spot," all the time. In the second bookstore, the employees dressed in a very casual, very "alternative" way. The service was equally as casual, although to say it was bad service would be incorrect. Better to say that employees spoke casually, moved more slowly and didn't seem quite as professional as the folks across the street. In this fairly conservative town, the "alternative dress" bookstore did not fare as well as the "professionally dressed" bookstore.

Is it right? Is it fair? No, it's not. We are all taught not to judge a book by its cover but I think it's human nature to do just that and having worked in a bookstore for 5 years, I know people do this all the time. "Oh, I can't possibly read THAT book! It has [fill in the blank] on the cover!" It's only when we are very aware of our own internal voice do we catch ourselves in the act of judging others by dress.

Interesting post...

I think it goes by personality. My daughters dress, well, strangely. The one is 21 by the way. No one raises an eyebrow because there is something about their personalities that makes it seem normal.

So far as misbehaving goes I have found no difference but then the first thing out of their mouths are I'm sorry regardless of attire. Well that and if they are completely out of hand I have this desperate look on my face I am crying I'm sorry.

Hell yeah its the way one dresses! I've had it happen to me AND I've had it happen to my Girl Scouts when they AREN'T wearing their GS vests. I was living in London, Hampstead in fact. Its a wealthy neighborhood that we could live in with the housing stipend we got from my company. On my off days, I would wear very casual clothes. Whilst browsing a gift store, I realized after a few minutes I was being followed...by a store clerk. I guessed they thought I was a shoplifter. I made a beeline for the exit and NEVER returned.

As for my Girl Scout troop, I have explained to them that they will be treated immensely better if they wear their vests. When they've done so, they are amazed but its true! Works every time!

So yeah, how you present the package matters because for strangers its the 'moment of truth', wrong or right.

For what its worth, shopping with little ones takes tremendous bravery (especially in one of those warehouse clubs). You are indeed a brave woman! Have a great day!

Yes, it does make a difference.

More so, how I dress makes a huge difference in the way we are received.

I believe my age and my children's appearance play into this dynamic considerably. I am 26 years old and and my children are 3 and 4 years old. My eldest is my biological niece and she is tall, thin, blue eyed, strait haired, Slavic/Italian features, and fair skinned. My daughter is more solidly built, is fairly dark (comparatively), massive cheeks and curls, and Georgian/W. European/Japanese ancestry).

Often, the assumption made is that I am a young, unmarried mother, with children from two different bio fathers (gasp!) and thus, I am an irresponsible person and parent. When my children are disruptive or do not listen (yes, it sometimes happens to me too ;-), I get/they get many down-the-nose looks.

This affect is *somewhat* minimized when I dress more professionally (trousers or a pencil skirt, heels, nylons, a matching jacket, etc.), rather than causally (clean jeans, character filled boots, clean shirt, knock around sweater).

I do not know for sure, my son is always dressed well when we go out in public because with his ADHD and other issues he is quick to get crazy and often people smile and accept him because he is a beautiful blue eyed blonde haired boy dressed well. A little rocker but a whole lot of kiddo in there, well fitting clothes and a "cool dude" attitude. In general though, yes, we do judge people not just kids based on their looks.

I've never paid much attention to it. My kids always dress themselves (4 & &). My 4 year old wears some crazy outfits sometimes, patterned pants with a different pattern dress and cowgirl boots. My 7 year old is mostly t-shirt and jeans or sweats.

my daughter likes to dress herself too. sometimes she gets looks and i just ignore them. i could care less because i know my child is clean and well taken care of :)

I never noticed my kids getting treated differently for how they dress, and I've always let them dress themselves. I can see how people might though. Someone made a good point about if parents don't care enough about how kids look them they may not care much about how they act either. For me there's a difference between a kids with a little dirt on them and a dirty kid.

I notice that people look sideways at my kids when they act up in public when they don't know how old they are, because both of my kids look several years older then they are... so for a 6 and 8 year old, their behavior might be acceptable or understandable, but for a 8 and 10 year old, not so much.

I haven't noticed, really. I have had the experience that if we return an item that is too small, people look at DH like it must've been him, or if she dresses herself and goes out with Daddy, they assume he's incompetent vs letting her be independent. People think she's cute when she's wearing her dinosaur feet or fairy wings (or both) in the store.

However, I would not be surprised if perceptions vary on the attire. Maybe they think a well-groomed child is usually better disciplined. You can say, "It doesn't matter" but it does. You wear weird clothes to the office and people won't take you seriously, either.

My 4 yo daughter dresses the same way. I figure if she's not embarrassed then neither am I. I notice most people just give me an understanding smile.

Probably they will judge her more negatively if she isn't dressed "nicely," but I think it's more important for her to be creative and independent about dressing herself. You're doing a good job, don't worry about what they think.

The way we present ourselves to the world definetly plays a role in how we are treated. That being said, when I see a kid all Janie and Jacked out, matching head to toe and it's not a holiday, just a day at the library, it makes me roll my eyes. When I see Kloe Kardashian's kid in the magazines with his designer clothes, I want to gag. On the other hand, I really hate mohawks on kids, straight across the forhead bangs on both boys and girls that are so long the kid can't see, and crusty nasty booger noses. I also don't like seeing kids in clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big where the clothes are falling off them. No one has to look "perfect" actually, it looks shallow to me...but, everyone gets treated better when their clothes are flattering, clean, fit properly, and they are appropriately groomed.

INTERESTING that she gets less looks for bad behavior if dressed better! I would have thought it was just behavior based.

I do notice my kids get a lot more "ogled" when I dress them super cutely. Almost too much so :-0

But I'm amazed how even "bad outfits" still look cute. Mine aren't allowed to act poorly in public, but once when our 2 year old thought she could pull highway robbery and throw a fit out with her dad (which she would never try with me), he got looks (according to him, he was so humiliated and everyone was staring..I wasn't there, so I'm not sure if he was exaggerating), and and she was dressed really well. Also, my kids have been fidgety in our Dr's waiting room before, and some old timers gave them looks, and they were dressed well.

I don't think anyone would give your daughter dirty looks JUST for wearing a wacky outfit if she's behaving. Lots of kids dress themselves and look kooky.

Personally I never give dirty looks no matter what. Not my problem, and not my business. But yeah, a kid acting badly and dressed weirdly could be a proverbial eye sore to people who don't like rowdy raggedy kids.

But actually, really snazzily dressed kids acting up could look even more spoiled to those judging.

Maybe you imagined it or maybe it was her behavior. Consider also that the people you came across today are not the exact people that may have been (more) patient during the times she was dressed "better". I adore children and seeing them, especially in mix-matched attire, always brings a smile to my lips.