Sometimes I Wonder What I Was Thinking!

I know the fighting gets you where you live, but I want you to consider this:

Think about the infertility patient who just got a negative test result today. Her dream of being a mother slipped through her hands again. That woman would do anything - ANYTHING! - to hear her children fighting in the next room. Once upon a time, I was that woman.

Think about the woman who would do anything - ANYTHING! - to have a husband who does not take out the trash, squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube, or leaves the toilet seat up. Right now, I am that woman.

The love your kids have for each other is down in there, somewhere. May not always see it, but it's there.

C

My sister and I fought horribly when we were younger. We grew up, grew apart, and eventually grew up enough to get past ourselves and be friends again. Don't give up.

It is totally normal for kids to fight, but I know how annoying it can be! It drives me nuts when they fight! It also sounds like maybe you are getting a little burnt out and need a break. Time to leave the kiddos with dad for the weekend so you can go somewhere and unwind!

Oh, man, can I relate! If only reality were the same as what we pictured in our head before we got married & had kids. :)

My girls fight. Not non-stop, but they do fight a lot. At the end of the day, though, they are pretty inseparable. My five-year-old gets pretty anxious if her sister isn't around. She hates it when her big sis leaves to stay the night with a friend or something. The two of them can't stand it when the other gets in trouble, or if someone is mean to one of them. They hug, they kiss, they hold hands. Those are the moments I choose to dwell on, because it makes my heart very happy.

The fighting is frustrating... and annoying... and disheartening... but dwell on the love. It's there.

Been there, done that, felt that. My kids are 12 & 17 now, so the fights are not what they were, but my oldest still can't see things on the youngest's level & everytime I say well he's only 12 then I am babying him. Uggghhh! When they were younger, I felt bad, but they would have to spend the entire time I cooked dinner in their separate rooms because the fighting/arguing was so bad that I couldn't get it done. My youngest was high strung & my oldest was self centered. Being 5 years a part they both wanted their undivided atention at ALL times :) I did not/do not take sides. It's just you have to stop them when it gets to a point of being verbally abusive or physical. It's also the emotional frustration, as you were saying, where did I go wrong? What was I thinking? I had to get them away from me, so I could finish dinner. I know I never expected it to be roses all of the time. I knew there would be up and down hills, but I thought there would be more positive than negative! People always say, I hope you have kids just like you when you grow up & have kids. I don't! I want my kids to grow up and have a loving/happy family. I don't want them to feel what I felt when my kids fought all of the time. I do know there is some loyalty/love between my two because my oldest promises to look out for the younger if something was to happen to me. Even if it's out of duty, I will take that as a sign of caring. Once in a while I will need the oldest to take the younger one somewhere for me & that has created a bit of bonding time. The youngest now knows if he wants to be "cool" and have his older brother take him somewhere he has to mind his ps & qs when they are together (not my rule). Whatever the reason for the boundaries being respected, at least there is a respect for boundaries???? BTW - I love my kids to death, obviously :):)

It happens, sounds like you need a little down time for yourself. Sometimes my kids fight like crazy, other times they are inseperable. When they have their times of fighting like crazy I call them together and remind them when it comes down to it they are the only ones they can count on, each other, that they are siblings and no matter who comes in and out of their lives they will always have each other, then I make them hug and play with each other.
Oh and there was a time with mine too that it seemed that they cried more than they laughed, sometimes it made me cry too, guess it's just part of parenting. Not sure how far apart our kids are, but I have 2 that are 22 months apart, they are now 9 & 11 and I am hearing lots more laughing the last few years and less crying. Good luck! Stay strong!

OMG I am right there with you, sister. I have a four yr old and two yr old twins. The two toddler thing is pushing me over the edge! And the fact that we tried so hard for three years to have kids makes me feel really guilty about having the thoughts you are having. Hang in there and definitely take some time for yourself. Hubby and I recently went on vacation and was so ready to come home to my babies. Def helped me get back my appreciation.

Whining and crying and fighting , oh my! It's normal-a little reconditioning can help. "NO" means no-use it sparingly and never back down. Not suggesting you don't. When the children were little and they whined, I would ask them to repeat without whining, then, if they were sincere and had tried-they frequently got what they were asking for-it had to be reasonable. Fighting was not tolerated-it happened-that part is biological, if we always agreed, the children would never leave home (Saints preserve us) and mankind would have ended. My children are close in age-the six of us were a pack-I kept them so busy, they didn't know which end was up-that helped. In the summer, we'd be around other large families or lots of children and that, too, helped-they saw how everyone could get along. One time, when we were in the car on the way to our country home, and they were not getting along, I stopped at my brother's grave. I lined them up-they had never been there, and asked them, "What do you think I would do to have my brother back with me?" The next 45 minutes were the best, most peaceful 45 minutes of my life. My mom thought I was wrong to do that-but it gave them pause. You are a wonderful mom-starting tomorrow, write down some new rules, talk about them often, and make a great, big deal out of their good behavior and gently mention where they need improvement. They sound precious!

I would not say you are a horrible mom, you seem quite normal to me. The one thing I thought of when I read your post was how you say your children never hug each other. Do you and your husband hug each other in front of your children? Children will do what they see their parents do. As for the bickering, well, that is normal too. Kids will do it. However you can also stop it and make it stop permenantly. The first thing you need to do though, if you aren't doing it at home in the open, is love on your husband in front of the kids. Don't ever doubt you are a good mom! You are! Good luck and God Bless.

In our house, that is usually a sign that the kids need some space. Time apart from each other. And/or time away from ME.

Sometimes it can be an age thing, too. Mine usually enjoy each other's company and get along, and even share some friends, though they are 3 years apart in age, and one is a girl, one is a boy. BUT, that doesn't mean that they are not spitting vinegar at each other getting ready for school in the morning. ;)

Whatever they do, it doesn't mean you are a "horrible" mom or that you have failed as a wife and mother. No WAY. Now... if your kids are tyrants with their friends, out in public, and with everyone ELSE they encounter... we'll talk about you being a terrible mother... But it is NORMAL for them to test their boundaries with those who CANNOT abandon them. That is really what they are doing! So maybe if you look at it with that in mind, it will make it a little easier to tolerate. ?

Deep breaths. Early bedtime.
:)

A truly "horrible mom" wouldn't care enough about her family to even write this post. A truly great mom cares about her family enough to reach out for help and reassurance.
My kids are 6 and 4. They have had their moments of fighting, calling names, etc. I am trying to work with them to "practice" being grateful and loving to each other. Which means, for me, a lot of reminders (not yelling--just calmly explaining) that this is the ONLY sister/brother they've got, and that if they love each other, they should ACT like it.
Remember when they are whining, crying, and fighting: They are looking for SOMEONE to be the "grownup" and the voice of reason. Let it be you.
Have you ever looked into kids yoga classes or DVD's? Might help them calm down and focus.
I totally understand how you feel. It will not be like this forever and I seriously doubt you are doing anything wrong.

oh darling!! ME TO!

you are not a horrible mom but i know that it feels that way at times. my kids save up all their bickering for our half hour drive home... :) they are each others biggest fans and worst enemys. a break for mommy may be just what you need. hope your day gets better :)

First of Hugs to you!!! Next, THANK YOU!!! I only have two girls that are 5 1/2 years apart and I often feel this way and then feel so guilty for it. Alot of my problem is that my oldest is very challenging to say the least. She will get mad at me and then take it out on my youngest. I feel like my home is so chaotic that I don't want to be there much of the time. In my house I think there is more fighting then fun :(. Unfortunately , I don't really have any advice for you since I'm in a similar situation. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It can only get better right?