Sibling issues/Boys Ages 8 and 5 1/2

I have 2 boys 7 and 5 so I can relate. My 7 yr old has huge self esteem issues and is usually the one doing the name calling- so 1 I know he is doing it to make himself feel better and to tease little brother. what I started doing was if one child said something bad to their sibling they have to say something nice about the child- they dont get to do anything until its said. I have only been doing this a few weeks but it seems to really help! we also have a marble jar= they get marbles for good behavior- once full they get a reward. never take a marble out of the jar for misbehavior if needed start a naughty jar and take a marble out of there when good and place in the good jar anyway, the boys are learning to help eachother- making eachothers bed- then asking for a marble. they defiantely are rewarded for being kind to eachother.

Dear G.,

A few strategies is that have work in home are have them work together a project build something together like a bird house, catch them being nice to each other and pouring on the praise, helping out with the little ones in little ways like make them laugh. Singing a made silly song goes a long way also. Plus at our getting outside even for a few minutes out back is good cabin fever is still upon us. Good Luck

J. O
mom of five ages 1-12

Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic? It's a video series, also a book, and it deals with this exact thing. The best part of the technique is that it removes my anger/frustration from the equation. It's simple and the kids get it right away. Also, at my house, if someone is caught being unkind to a sibling, they have to immediately do something nice for that person such as read a book, clean their room, etc. Good luck!

My parents just simply did not tolerate it. If we (my two brothers and I) fought we were all punished. Didn't matter how often or what it was about...we got punished, we got a lecture about loving eachother...how friends will come and go but family is forever...and so on. We were made to talk things out, hug, kiss, hold hands and all that jazz. My dad went as far as to tie my two brothers in their rocking chairs when really young and make them hold hands for an hour one time....we still get a good laugh out of that one....Kinda let us know how important it was to him and my mother that we got along and loved eachother. They guided us through our disputes and taught us to work things out, not get so bent out of shape over things, and how to ignore someone that was antagonizing us (little brother was reaaallll good at that). We were so close as teenagers we were like best friends. I was the oldest then the next two years younger than me, and the little one was five years younger than me. We were like the Three Musketeers. Sometimes in highschool people would ask if one or the other was my boyfriend because we hung out so much, or gave eachother a hug when we had to go somewhere...or even said "I love you" in public. I would laugh hysterically and so nope...that's my bubbie.

Did we ever argue..yes, but we never held a grudge. Do we still disagree on occassion...yes, but we have for years agreed to disagree about certain things. (Except my middle brother still gets all upset if he sees my gas needle below a 1/4 of a tank..he thinks you have to fill it before then or your car will blow up or something) :)

We had friends whose parents believed that you had to leave kids to work things out on their own. They believed you should never interfere in sibling spats or they wouldn't learn to handle things themselves. Those two hate eachother to this day. They would literally start to fist fight when they got to be teenagers. They didn't know how to work things out and it only escalated. They are two grown men in their 40's and they can't be in the same room for more than an hour without getting into a major fight.

I have two other female friends whose parents did the same thing. Those two can go a whole year and never call eachother on the phone. They will stay in hotels when visiting their parents because they don't have a thing to say to eachother.

I live in IL. The middle brother lives in Columbia, SC and the other lives 45 minutes from him in another town. When we get together we sit up all night talking. We do a beach trip every year for a week with all our kids. We love it. My brothers do a camping trip a few times a year. They meet at my mom's once a month for a Saturday all day.

We really love eachother...and I really believe it is because our parents taught us to. They never gave in. I think we get along better than they get along with their own siblings. I think they really did a great job in that area of parenting.

Hi G.,
When I was growing up with 2 younger brothers, my youngest brother used to always run up the basement steps to my mother and alternately tattle-tale on my other brother and I. My mother grew very tired of the fighting amongst us and the little brother always running to her. She gave my youngest brother a tablet and drew 2 columns with the names "C." and "Allen" at the top. She said, "Everytime your brother does something wrong, put a mark in his column; and your sister, a mark in her column. We played downstairs for hours with him quietly filling up the pages with marks.
C.

Lisa Welchel writes a great book called Creative Discipline.
She has real kids with all the bickering as well, and writes many terrific ideas that she uses and has used in her own family.
She is a Christian and a home schooler.
Hope this is helpful

S. H

Hi G.,
They could be fighting just to get attention from you. You have 4 young boys & they may feel they have to misbehave to get more attention from you. Make sure you spend an equal amount of alone time with each boy. Sometimes the older one will feel left out because you're giving to much attention to the younger children & he's acting out his frustration & vise versa. Make sure you are calm & fair when you are disciplining (it's a natural tendancy to go easy on the younger ones, so stop that impulse). Most important, make sure you praise good behavior & make each boy feel special.

Make them stand in a corner hugging until they can work as a team or get along. It works with my ten and seven year olds.

I just got two books - Siblings WIthout Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish, and Loving Each One Best by Salmalin and Whitney. I haven't gotten all the way through, but the Siblings book has some really good practical suggestions. I got both books at my local library. I have a 4 and 2 year old and am looking for positive ways to help them decrease the bickering. I have younger children than you, but the SIblings book does have techniques for kids of all ages.

I'm smiling. I have to agree with Shannon A. Just don't tolerate it and STRESS loving each other and how one day each other is all they will have in this world as parents, friends and others come and go. My daughters hated each other..the oldest begged for 3 years to send the little one back where she came from. Today, they along with their brother, are all best friends, have a language only those 3 understand and talk to each other every day as they are seperated by many hundreds of miles. They are children, bickering and picking at each other is what they do best. This too shall pass. Still smiling.