At Home Moms

Hi C.,well I myself have two daughters and two step-sons.my daughters ages 13 and 10,and they two have thier days,what has worked for me through out the years is every time they would fight they were not allowed to talk or play with anyone but each-other.when i saw that they were getting along,or at least made it seem,i'll talk to them about them having one-another to take care of.and i make them give each other a hug and kiss(on the cheek)and say there sorry to each other.What i found funny about the whole thing,the punishing part of it all was the hugs and kisses cause you can tell they still were mad at each other,but made it seem like they were the best of friends.but i stuck with it,and i can say im proud my self and my girls.

Let me tell you, you aren't being selffish at all. I am a stay at home mom of my two, one is 3 and one is 7 months. I find myself getting jealous of my fiance because he gets to go to work. I love my kids with all my heart, but I have got to get a break, which are extremely few and far between.

I understand your need for a break. Even a job is time away from your kids. This does not make you a bad mom.. just a normal human. I work weekends .. I stay home MOn-Thurs. The break is good. I would lower it to one day.. but money is an issue for us. To get a break with out getting a job, maybe you and a friend could set up "mom day out child swap".( I have done this in the past just so I could have a day to clean the house) You take your 2 yo to her for 4 or so hours one day a week.. and take her little one one day a week. It gives you a break on the day she is away... and a playmate on the day she is home and you have your friends kid. I know this may not help much... but..it is a try

Hi C.,

I am also a stay at home mom of 4. My girls are 10, 6, & 3. My son is 5. From my own experience, I like to start small projects with my kids that bring them closer together. Any hobby you like to do will work. Sometimes we dance in the living room, cut up pictures and make scrapbooks, or buy some beads & make necklaces. With the holidays, include them in deciding how to decorate the house. Also, call them to help with dinner by setting the table, serving drinks, or washing some vegtables. The responsiblility will also help their self esteem.-(learned this from the school counsler)

If your girls are still bickering, sit down together & talk to them about what is bothering them & how much their words hurt each other. The golden rule is perfect for this kind of situation.

I hope this helps, you. Just take a deep breathe & enjoy your kids while they are little. They will always remember that their mom was there for them - no matter what. Oh, and take an extra long shower, or trip to the store by your self. It really does help!!

Hi C., I am a SAHM of 4 (2 oldest are girls about the same distance apart as yours, then the 2 youngest are boys who are 14 months apart.) I've been a SAHM by choice for 11 years now even though I have a college degree and have had many opportunities to go back to work. I can say that I have felt like you on many days, but I believe the time with our children is VITAL and goes by TOO quickly to miss out on. Kids remember that they spent their childhood in daycares while mom was never there - NOT all the nice toys,clothes, sports or activities the extra money bought them.
YOU be your kid's mom - be there when they get home from school,etc. and they will remember that you were there for them. NOW AS FOR THE BICKERING - I HATE IT TOO! ARRRGGHHH!
Some of that is ok because they are learning how to work out their conflicts. But when they get into huge hurtful, ugly, mean-spirited spats, then that is more like strife. That must be dealt with. If you have a Bible, or can look up Scriptures online, do a search on what God says about strife and how to deal with it. It's the best advice!
Sisters seem to 'squabble' more and brothers tend to 'compete' more, but for both sibling rivalry is something that occurs out of human nature.
One thing that helps our family is when my husband and I take just one child out and spend an hour or two with them away from their siblings. The next time, we take the next child, and so on....
Yes, you DO need a break !!! Just because you are a SAHM does NOT mean you have to be with them 24/7. That's when a friend/relative/babysitter can let you run to the grocery store or the salon, or take a walk, etc. ESPECIALLY WHEN dear husbands are not available as much as we'd like!!! :o)
Even if all of your children were perfect angels 100% of the time, you should always have some daily time for yourself - even 1/2 an hour in the am or pm to read or take a bubble bath.
I am so proud of you for taking on the challenge of real mothering - and not escaping from it by going to work! Good for you!

Hey C., My hats off to you. My husband just started a job that keeps him away 6 to 8 weeks at a time then he is only home 2 to 3 days before he is gone again. This is new to our family so I know how hard it is. I can't even imagine doing it with a 2 yr. old. Maybe you can give me a hint on how to keep up with the laundry.
My oldest is 17 and not home most of the time but my two youngest are ages 13 and 11. A boy and a girl. I am dealing with the fighting issue as well. I know this sounds crazy but what I have been doing is seperating the two and not allowing them to speak to each other or anyone else until they can say someting nice or without fighting. I reinforce this by making a sign that says "I can not talk until I can be nice" or " I can not talk until I can be respectiful of others feelings" and they have to wear this sign until they can get along every time they fight. In the process they can't watch TV together, or play together, eat together or do anything together and when they put the sign on they have to write a paper on the feelings of others and how their words and actions hurt others. The fighting is almost non existant after 3 months. When they start getting irritated with each other my son will say "Lets not fight". They have learned how to take a break from each other as well. I know it's sounds crazy but it has helped us.

If you need a break, who says that you have to work? I tried being a SAHM and thought I would love it but was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I joined my Homeowners Association and started volunteering at a Meals on Wheels like organization. Some people tried to give me a hard time for putting my kids in daycare when I didn't have to but you know what? My kids had fun, I felt better, we still had time together, and my husband was supportive. (He was surprised I stayed at home that long.) The kids also need a break from you. My two year old loves that he has a backpack just like his older brothers and a crayon case. Today's moms have options so you do what works for you. You are not being selfish in the least. If you are uncomfortable with daycare, do the drop in thing. Mommy will be in a better mood, the kids will be in a better mood, and I bet daddy will notice the difference! Save some of those drop in daycare days for when daddy is home...I bet he won't mind a bit!

Hi C.,

Three words for ya- Mom's Day Out. Three of my most favorite words. :) A lot of churches sponser these types of programs. They have two day programs, three day.. Usually for just a few hours a day but it's enough time to run some errands, relax.. I'm a firm believer in 'Mommy Time'. You are not being selfish- you're taking care of yourself so you can take better care of your kids.

I have no answers for the bickering. My three boys have their moments and I usually just seperate them for awhile. Maybe (like at dinner) have them talk about why they like/love each other. Stress that they have to keep their comments positive. Might sound hokey but I'm always telling my boys how lucky they are to have a brother because of *insert whatever here*. Like when one gives up the favored seat or lets the other one watch what they want. They end up giving so much for the praise they have nothing to fight over. Haha!

I live with my 2 sisters and each of us has one child. My oldest sister has a 7 yr old girl and my younger sister has a 2 yr old boy and I have an 8 yr old boy. My son and the 7 yr old girl fight/fuss/bicker/pick at eachother constantly. One thing that we found that helps us because we all have different disciplining techniques is having them stand there and hug for 5 minutes. OMIGOSH, it is funny, but they stop the fighting immediately and it's good for quite some time. We also put the 2 yr old into daycare during the day so we can have some sanity here for part of the day. It gives us a chance to get the shopping done, errands run and just a nap if we want it. One thing that helps us is that we also have crafts to do when they get home and finish their homework. They can take it to their rooms or if that isn't possible, one in their room and the other one in the living room. There are TVs there too and video games. Separation time makes them want to play together most.
I hope hearing about what we do helps you to get some ideas about how to help them get along. Mostly, communicate with the children about what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. The golden rule may not sink in just yet, but if they hear you saying it, they'll remember it later.
Keep your chin up. I feel that you're on the right track and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting some time for you.
You deserve it.

C.,

You are not alone. I am a stay at home mom too. Everyone thinks we have it made but it is hard work staying with the kids. I have four kids. The oldest are the girls ( 8yrs. and 7 yrs.) then the boys are 2yrs and 1 yr.old. I know I should feel blessed that I have the opportunity to stay home but the thing is that we don't get a break from this job. Those who work can go to work then come home and it be a different environment but we are home all day with the kids trying to keep things clean that become a mess right after you pick it up. Do not get me wrong, I love my kids and have always wanted them but a mother's job is never finished. Also I think the kids zone us out. It is not until their father talks to them that they listen. I am sorry I wish I could help more than sound discouraging. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and to hang in there.

W.

all I can say about your girls is that sister fight so much. I agree that maybe spending individual time with them will probably help. Girls are very intuitive, but at their ages they don't necessarily know how to deal with. They may be picking up on your frustrations but don't know how to deal with it or feel guilty about so they take it out on each other. Usually there is some hidden reason, not always but try to overally praise the positive and it might get better. No promises, girls are terrible to each other. As for you, You deserve your own time. Take your 2 yr old to mother's day out or gimmee a break for a couple of hours and have some down time. Even if you are spending all your time with your kids, it isn't helping anyone if you are miserable. Give yourself some room to breath. Don't go to work if you don't have to. But I promise you will be surprised what 2 hours will do for your spirits. Your 2 yr old will enjoy playing with kids his own age anyway.

C.,

I totally feel your pain! I was a stay home Mom for 3 years. My husband has daughter from a previous marriage and I had a daughter from a previous marriage. The girls were 5 mths apart in age. Basically they were twins, boy could they fight! Over the smallest thing all day long. We had a son together and he was 3, I was pregnant with boy #2. It was tough, don't get me wrong I love my children but they drove me crazy! My husband did come home every night but he wasn't a parent more like the teenager of the house. I felt guilty for having thoughts of working outside of the home. Once our youngest was 2, we moved back here to Texas and I found a job in 15 days. We have been back for a 1 1/2. Believe it or not it was the best thing for the entire family. I no longer feel like they are taking advantage of me, and they don't fight as much. They have all learned that time is the most precious thing we have. you can never buy,sell, or replace time. So with what time you have why fight? And as a Mother, Wife and Woman I feel much better about myself. But at first I dealt with guilt, anger, loss of me, and just flat out betting myself up for not being the Norman Rockwell Mother that I expected me to be. Kids also must learn that life changes wether we want it to or not.

I hope that this helps somewhat, just hang in and remember that they only way we learn is from our mistakes. No one gets everything right all the time. You are human, not superhuman.

Blessings all around.

I stayed at home for a few years but I love my career so I completely understand. No you are not selfish. My kids bicker all the time too. I read some articles on that very thing and although it drives us nuts as parents, these are valuable lessons for our kids in learnign how to resolve disputes and conflicts and how to communicate with others. Worth reading about. These "skills" will help them later in life. I searched for some simple books on conflict resolution and communication and shared some excercises with my kids for them to pracitce, such as the I statements. It has helped but for the most part I tell them to go soemwhere else and work it out between themselves because if I have to get involved then none of them will be happy with the result. After my divorce I had to figure out how to handle these things on my own and I found that really talking to my kids every day is the most valuable thing that I can do. They eventually understand the bigger picture and I love it when one of them gives me my own argument or idea back to me. I know they have been listening :)

Hi C.,

I know exactly how you feel. I have been a stay home mom for 2 yrs also. I have two girls and a two year old son. I have now a part time job. I work two days out of the week. I love getting away from home. I love my family, but being home all day and running a household can get boring. You have no one else to socialize with. I love being at work and meeting different people, doing different things other than housework. Don't feel guilty for wanting more or something different to add to your life. You as a mom will always love your children but you also need to get away to at least rejuvenize yourself in a way that will make you feel better about yourself. It certainly helps out alot at home with your kids when you feel so much more better about yourself.

Hey,
I totally support you getting a job. I was a SAHM for a month and I was so depressed. I was so glad to get a job. Some women just need to work, and be out in the world with other people. Let your girls hash it out on their own. They are old enough to deal with each other. And your younger one might benefit from daycare and being around other toddlers. My 2YO girl loves being around other kids at daycare while I work.
Good Luck

First don't feel bad or guilty about wanting time for yourself. It is natural and I am sure well deserved, you have a full plate and I don't know how you are managing it all. Props to you. You should consider putting the smallest one in a daycare even if just for half a day at first. This will give you time to decompress before you receive everyone at home again. Or give you time to work part-time or just take time for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself your emotional state will not get any better! YOu owe it to yourself and kids to do it! About your girls fighting....I don't know what to say.But if they behave when the father is home that leads me to believe that they don't really see you or respect you as an authority figure. You need to make sure they understand that if you say, "be nice to each other and no yelling/fighting" that they do it!! if you don't curve their behavior now, you are going to be in big trouble when they are teenage girls! But the good news is they are still young enough for you to change this fighting behavior. Ask for help or guidelines from the school counselor or read some books on what to do. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself!!!
A.

hi C.
i am a stay at home mom of two boys one 6 and one 3 and i know some what how you feel i am to the point that i want to go back to work now. i have not worked in about3-5yrs and i am ready to go back. i wish i had some advise on what to do about your girls but i dont.wish you luck and you are not alone on wanting to go back to work.

Hi C.,

I agree you should put your two year old in some form of daycare. Daycare is not always a bad thing and it will do her good to be with other kids. It will be a wonderful break for you and will also give you an opportunity to get at least a part-time job. Do not feel guilty about wanting time for yourself. We all do. Two is a great age to start daycare. As for your older girls fighting i do not know what to say. i have not hit that stage. You sound like a wonderful mother and i hope everyones input can give you some help.

-A.

Hey C.,
I feel for you. I'm pretty much in the same boat, except with 3 boys. I'm also 29 and am happily married. I seem to have all the symtoms you have about going back to work just to get away. I also agree that when the hubby is home for some reason discipline seems to work a little better. As a stay at home mom I thought I should just pat you on the back because you seem to be such a concerned mom just like I. Where do others seem to think we're so- lucky? It's truely the hardest job on the face of the earth. Good luck and if ever you need to vent just email me at ____@____.com.