Something That's Worrying Me. What to Do If We Die.

Direct and sound advice is hard to give, since the particulars are unknown as to what makes your family/friends untrustworthy. Without such details, it is hard to know what to say.

In regards to your family and friends, is the reason you don't trust them because each person has a horrible fault that is cause for great concern? (ex., drinking, low morals, poor discipline, etc.), or do you not trust them to raise your kids just because they're not perfect?

I only ask because, you have made the statement that you don't have ANY friends, OR family you trust to care for your kids, but you don't want the State to choose, in case they put your kids with strangers and/or separate them.

Since you don't want the State to choose, you HAVE to; even if there is no 'perfect' couple that you know.

I have six siblings, and my parents, in town. My husband's family lives just three hours away. When thinking about who to choose as a guardian for my son should something happen to both me and my husband, I get really, really picky. I can think of a dozen faults for each… and… every… person on the list, and I become dissatisfied and decide that none of them will do. "He's too careless; I don't think he'd teach my son the value of action/consequence." "She is always too petty." "He is so disorganized and hobby-centered, my son would never learn the value of hard work!" "Those two rebel all the time, and party with some questionable characters. Their morals aren't the same as mine." "He tends to be judging. My son will grow up thinking he can't do anything right." "She never knows what she wants to do; she's not ready for that responsibility." "They are so lackluster, switching between hard opinion and wishy washy; how would our son ever know what to do?" "He hardly ever admits if he is wrong; accountability?" "She is so opinionated, and always expects everyone to listen and follow her opinion, and gets angry when they don't! Will our son end up feeling small, or will he grow up as a control/power freak?"

I could go on.

The funny thing is, if anyone were to just ask me if I thought they were good people and would make good parents/husbands/wives, I would say YES in a heartbeat, and mean it. Because they ARE good people. Some of them are married and have kids, and do a GREAT job. Others are single still. The faults I have mentioned are no different that the faults many of us have; in my mind, I blow them up into insurmountable flaws. So I have to remind myself that no one is going to parent him the same as us; but who will parent him well? Who is the closest to what we want for our son? We decided we wanted to choose within family, because we believe family should stay with family, no matter what.

However, some people do not have the kind of family they can trust like that, but have friends they do. In that case, they go with a friend who they know will raise their child/children well. Personal circumstances are always different.

You have gotten a lot of really good advice already, so I wasn't sure if I should post or not. I hope my little contribution has helped. If not, I hope my prayer does. :-) Decisions like this are never easy!

God bless!
M.

Such great responses so far, it's hard to add to any of the advice you've already received, but I'll just reitterate what I thought were important points.
First, life insurance, for both parents. Should something happen to only one of you, the other parent remains but the huge void that is left can be quite a burden. The breadwinner is obvious, but I'm a stay at home mom and didn't "value" the amount it would cost for my family to carry on without me there until it was broken down..nanny care, housekeeper, time my spouse would have to miss out on work to handle the business I usually handle, etc. So, in worst case scenarios both parents need to be insured so the family has some assistance no matter which parent my be gone.

Secondly, choosing a family for your children is the hardest thing you have to do, but YOU have to do it. What we finally did to decide was to consider who would make certain that the least amount of change would occur in our kids lives should something happen to the two of us. Would they have to change schools, would they be in the same social circles, does the family have room for our kids in their home as well as their heart, would they still be able to spend time with extended family. We ultimately selected my husband's sister and her husband,although they are very different in parenting style, they were the best possible fit for our kids and we know they respect what we've done in our way and would try to allow our kids to continue to flourish in the schools, church, and social environment they currently enjoy.

Thirdly, think long term financially. When you were 18 yrs old, what would you have done with a million dollar life insurance payout? Probably not the most responsible decisions, I know for me it would've turned out a disaster. So, by setting up a longterm living trust, you can make sure your kids needs are met without either someone else taking advantage of the money or your kids blowing it.

Lastly, I pray there is no specific reason you are suddenly worrying about this, for us it was cancer in the family and the sudden death of a friend that opened our eyes. Whatever the case may be, take the time to make the legal decisions now and let go of the worry. God has his plan, so worrying doesn't change that. All worry will do is stress you out and take away the joy you can feel today by living in the moment.

Good luck!

I dont think that anyone has someone that they really want to raise their kids.. no one would do it like you do.. and no one would love them like you do.

the state will not necessarily take the kids.. if htere are family members taht want the kids.. the state will most likely allow the kids to go with family at least temporarily..the state may have to visit the home and make sure that it is suitable if you do not specify..

I guess you take the best person that you have.. freind or family..

we selected my husbands sister.. she lives in antoehr state and the kids dont know her...she is a different kind of parent than I am.. but she is the best that we have.

We're not parents just yet, so we have only had to worry about the puppies so far. I know you have a big decision to make. My husband has a disabled sister who will always need guardians. Because his parents are divorced, both of them have their own trust set up stating exactly what is to happen with her in an event that neither could take care of her. From my limited understanding, a trust is easier to execute than a will, and from their experience and a friend who is a lawyer, I would definitely seek good legal counsel on your documentation once you make all your decisions. It is horrible to think that you would have a plan, and then legal steps would slow down the process of taking care of everything. If you need a good lawyer, Leigh Hilton in Denton is very good at her job, plus she's a mom of school-aged children, so she's very compassionate about taking care of loved ones. Her contact info is:
2717 Wind River Lane Suite 131
Denton, TX 76210
###-###-####
____@____.com
www.dentoneldercareattorney.com

Good luck! K. :)

I have been a single mom since mine were babies. Dad is deceased. Kids do not know his family (who have never tried to know them) and I don't have any. I asked cousin and friends over the years who said 'no' because of my kids' health issues and their family situations. My oldest will soon be 18 and I will designate him guardian of his year younger sister. They will stay together that way and both agree. It can be a very tough situation. Good luck in your decision.

When I was a preteen my mother had a terminal illness and she didn't really have anyone she trusted except for our pastor at church. So in her will she placed me under their care. They were an older couple so they really weren't in a position to raise me but their grown children (whom I had a relationship with) ended up having me live with them. I know that doesn't sound too comforting but we were a very close nit family so it wasn't bad at all.

What I would like to know is what are your expectations of someone else raising your children? The only reason I ask is because I don't think anyone will ever raise your children as well as you and your husband can. I think you should make a list of what you are looking for in a ideal family to raise your children and try to get as close to that as possible. If I had to think about it, I couldn't see anyone else ever raising my kids the way that I do but if we were to die, I would want them to stay with family, either mine or my husbands because I know that no matter what they are going to make sure that our children are taken care of.

I hope I answered the question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Regardless of whether you like the option or not, if you have children, you NEED to sit down with your spouse or SO and talk about who you feel is the most ADEQUATE to do the job in your absense... and then you have to talk to that person. You should establish a trust for them (your children) through your insurance as well to make sure that they are provided for and that those that are raising your most precious commodity is adequately/financially prepared to do so as well.

I'm in the same situation -- my sister is a FREAK (seriously, that's all that needs to be said about her --she's a NUT in need of medication LOL)! My brother-in-law is a corrupt thief I'd NEVER trust with their money... my father is single and travels... my mother is a busy body smoker (like a TRAIN) with a HORRIBLE potty mouth... my in-laws are older and while I KNOW they'd take our children without question and provide for them with everything they had, I'd never burden them with that so I did ask my cousin whom I love with all my heart -- if something were to happen, would they be willing to take my boys in? She didn't even think for a second and immediately said, "yes." and I know that she'd do anything in her power to make sure that she did the best job she could. It's a scenario I shudder to think about but you HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN! It's the best gift you can give your children in that situation. So, it doens't have to be someone in your immediate family but it needs to be someone you can openly communicate about that...

AND

you know you'll ALWAYS have extra prayers protecting you on your travels because you know no one really wants to inherit someone else's children that way! ha ha! :)

I have not had a chance to read all of the answers and I see that you have already responded, but I just want to add a couple of things:

When I had my first child (I'm a single parent by choice), I made my arrangements before I even gave birth - worried about if something would happen in child birth. I picked my best friend and her husband as guardians and they were agreeable. However, I made arrangements for all of my funds to go into a trust for the child, which my father was the executor. So, your guardian and the person who cares for the funds CAN be different people. Later, I changed guardianship over to my parents because they asked me to. I didn't consider them at first because I honestly did not think they would want to deal with a child. But now, they don't want to consider someone else raising my kids.

Good luck!

I think the state would try to put the kids with the closest relative first, so if you have family you absolutely DON'T want your kids to go to, you need to put this into your will.

Also, when considering who you DO want your kids to go to, maybe you need to look at it from a different angle. My husband & I ended up choosing one of his coworkers & spouse, not because we are particularly close to them, but because they are the most stable married couple who we know. If something does happen to you & your husband, it won't matter if these people were your friends or not. Try to think about who could provide the most safe & secure home environment if you were gone.

First and foremost the 2 most important things you need are life insurance. Life insurance will help to provide some financial security (like for funeral expenses, paying off the mortgage, etc).
The 2nd thing is a will (preferably a living trust - so things do not have to go through probate). In the will you can designate who will take care of the children should you both die and you will also be able to select someone to be the executor of your estate. You definitely need to find someone who can and is willing to take care of your kids. If you have someone listed in your will, the court has to grant your wishes and the kids should not end up in foster care. You will guarantee foster care for your kids if you don't select someone and no family comes forward to offer.
It is a very tough decision to make of who is going to raise your kids. Nobody will do the same job you do, but you have to keep in mind just because they won't raise the kids YOUR way, it does not mean it will be a bad thing. So you decide, a family member that does not share your views but can at least provide love, affection and basic daily needs for the kids or foster care.

First, you need to sit down with that person and make sure they are okay with your choice. That person should NOT be surprised to be listed as the legal guardian. Something else to think about is to verify periodically with the person you choose that they are still willing and able. Our son's guardian got married a few years ago and just recently had a baby. Both times we sat down with her to make sure she (and her husband) was still okay with us listing her. It is a difficult decision but one I am so glad we took care of. Your children deserve to have a plan in place. The couple we chose would not be capable of financially maintaining my son's life as it is now so we made sure to have enough life insurance to keep that up. We chose this couple because they would be the most likely to keep up his visits with out of state family and make an effort to keep his life as normal as possible. A lot goes into this decision and I wish you luck. No one will seem perfect, you have to go with your best judgement. It is hard but you need to really get it in writing.