Someone Else's Kid Hitting at Daycare

Please, please, please don't file a formal complaint against the child or have the child kicked out. Someone did that to my son when he was three, he was kicked out and it was devastating. It took a long time for our entire family to recover from that experience, most notably our little three year old son. We had been doing all we could to correct the problem behavior, including working with the school and medical professionals. We felt 10x worse about his actions than the other parents did, I promise you. Even kids with excellent parents can display bad behaviors.

Unfortunately, at a young age, biting, hitting, spitting and other horrible behaviors are common. If you don't encounter them at daycare, you will on the playground or in playgroups. The key thing to teach your child is to seek an adult's help. Rather than yelling (and getting negative attention herself), go with the daycare's advice. They deal with this problem on a daily basis and really are skilled at helping to put an end to it.

Best of luck to you!
M.

Dear Kristen,

It sounds like you daughter is handling this pretty well. I personally don’t like hitting or yelling. The method they are using at daycare will lead to the kind of adults to DO NOT hit.

Of course it’s OK to teach your child to yell and scream if someone (especially an older, bigger kid or adult) is doing something inappropriate such as touching or trying to lure him or her into a car. As for the routine childhood spats, let them try to work it out first.

Blessings…..

The fact that your daughter said she "didn't get hit" the other day sounds like things are going in the right direction. She also has learned how to speak up about it. I don't think yelling is necessary . Your daughter seems like she's doing well with the situation and her teachers are on top of it. I would be keeping in close contact with them, checking in daily till the problem seems resolved. In the mean time be proud of what a level headed girl you have . Sounds like she's doing great. Good job Mom!

I'm very sorry this is happening to your daughter! At the same time, as long as this child isn't hitting hard enough to hurt your child, this is actually an important learning opportunity for her. A preschool friend of my son's started doing the same thing a few years back. My son used his words, as your daughter is being taught. If that did not work, he told a teacher. The teachers then helped the boys work things out (though the simple "I'm sorry" and then being off the hook was not accepted; the offending child had to answer the question, "How do you think that made him feel?" You might ask the daycare director if the caregivers ask that question so that the other child can build some empathy). I'm about as protective a momma bear as you'll find, but it was really important for me not to swoop in and fix problems for my son. Just about killed me, though! He needed to develop these tools himself and feel competent in his abilities. Unfortunately it is not unusual for sme kids to go through aggressive stages like this. In our case, I spoke to both the preschool teachers and the preschool director. They assured me that they were aware of the situation and were working with both my son and this aggressive boy to work through what was happening. I asked if the other boy's parents knew what was happpening and were taking appropriate steps. The director assured me that the answer was yes. A month or so later, the issue had resolved. My son also told the other boy that he did not want to play with someone who pushed or hit (the other boy did both), which seemed to help. I think that if you see this child hit your daughter, it's reasonable to say something like, "We don't use our hands to hit." Other than that, the daycare and the other child's parents should really deal with this issue. Trust me, I know how hard this is to do! I am beside myself when someone does something like this to my son. However, I'm very glad I took the approach I did because my son is now in kindergarten, and the play is much rougher at this age. My son is able to stand up for himself, set his own boundries, and remain relatively unrattled. Sadly, our kids will encounter aggressive or bullying people their whole lives. The earlier they learn to handle these people and not become a "fun" victim (i.e., one who gives a rewarding reaction), the better off they will be.

I'd let the director handle this. Especially if they are already working on the problem. It's likely that he or she has seen it before and hopefully knows how to handle it in a helpful and tactful way. Well meaning though you might be, try putting yourself in his mother's shoes for a moment. She is probably really embarrassed, stressed out and desperately trying to solve the problem . It won't help to have yet someone else getting in her face about it. If your really concerned for your daughter's safety tell her not to play around him for now.

I have to say, I think the Daycare is doing what they can and best to teach these children to resolve their conflicts. Children don't come KNOWING how to act and react. It sounds like your daughter is getting how to stand up for herself in a strong firm way. You don't have to yell to stand up for yourself and you can actually display more control and influence with a direct calm manner. Also, if she wasn't hit one day maybe the other child is learning too. I would say monitor the situation by talking to someone at the school, your daughter and even trying to see a situation where this child hits. Often children act out of frustration, being tired, experimentation. With all due respect the situation Kimmie G described sounds much more severe and if I understand your situation, filing a police report would be a bit extreme in this case.

Kristen,

Do not confront the child-- tell the daycare director what your daughter told you and let them know your concerns. Its their job to protect your child when you can not. If you were to see the child hit your child and your child didn't handle it herself(yelling stop hitting me- i don't like it!Etc), then I would intervene.(sidenote- if the daycare tells your daughter she is in trouble for yelling that she doesn't like to be hit, you need to find a new daycare--she needs to learn how to have boundaries and for them to be respected- you are doing the right thing by telling her to yell that) But, you are your child's best advocate-- so even if it sounds like you are making a big deal about it, it is a big deal! No child should be hit period. I hope this is resolved soon-- let us know what happens.

Molly

I know this may sound harsh, but if you really want to get that daycare moving, talk to them & the other childs parents and tell them the next time your child is hit you're going to file a police report. I'll bet that will get them to deal with the issue. Your child has a right to be safe from bodily harm. My daughter was hit, kicked and nearly pushed from the top of a play structure last year. She ended up punching the boy in the face to get him away from her. They were both suspended, but he's never hurt anyone else.