My friend I was speaking and she told me that her son came home from school with a note. The note said that her son got in trouble for hitting another child with a block. My friend went to her son, told him he wasn't in trouble and asked him what happened. He lied and said that he hit him by accident, but he actually busted the younger child's lip with the block because he thought he was going to knock over his block tower.
She told me that she didn't punish him right away. When she found out what really went on, she told me that the other child was hyper and in need for attention, so she could understand why her son busted him in the mouth. She also said that she went easy on him since it was the first time, and because the other little boy had some behavior problems. Meanwhile, when her son comes to my house and he hits my kids. My kids were bewildered because I don't play "it's OK to hit each other" game. I told him that if he cannot keep his hands to himself, he can't come back. And yes, he and his mother know that hitting is not allowed. She yells at him for hitting, but isn't doing any good. That's why I gave him, and her, the ultimatum.
I know that if my daughter were to bust someone in the mouth she would be in some serious trouble. I wouldn't care if the other kid kicked her blocks clear across the room, or if the little boy was the devil himself. Hitting someone like that is out of the question. I asked my friend to think of the little boy's mother and how she would feel if her son came home with a busted lip.
What would you do if you were in a similar situation?
Loose parenting is a slippery slope with me. While I don't believe in hitting or spanking, I surely believe in punishment and discipline. I have a low tolerance for disrespectful kids and incoherent parents that blames everyone else for their child's poor behavior. She has been asking to come over, but I've been dodging the question. I can't take the arguing (between the mother and her son) and neither can my kids. And every time he comes over, he whacks my daughter. I told him the last time he was at my house he would have to leave if he did that again, and I said it right in front of his mother. If her son were to hit my daughter in the mouth with a block and his mother reacted that way, there would be trouble, so I might as well nip now. Thanks to everyone who answered!
I'm with you. It's never OK. And it's sad to think that a kid only old enough to be worried about block towers could already be labeled a "behavioral" issue.
Avoid her and her child. Her parenting stinks. She's all about blaming victims and occasionally reacts ineffectively by yelling-both good recipes for having a future bully of a child.
Our rule is, if you hit someone else on purpose, you will get a spanking. My kids do NOT hit each other or other kids and we have never had to deal with it more than a few times. A few spankings and they understood.
This wasn't the rule in my house growing up and we were still hitting each other when we were tweens.
ETA: If someone else's child was hitting others kids at my house, he/she would be sent home.
I would have probably spoken with my child about the hitting but would not have punished at home. It's really up to the teacher to handle situations that arise in school (staying in at recess, getting sent to the principal's office, etc) not my job to add additional punishment at home. Obviously I didn't teach my kid to misbehave so I'm in charge of guiding my child along on the correct behavioral path.
As far as his behavior in your house? Well that is totally in your control. I'd start off the playdate with saying "Ok we're going to have a lot of fun today but if there's hitting or pushing then the fun ends and it'll be time for you and your mom to leave." Say it in front of his mom and if it happens get her things and show her the door.
I guess I would just limit my time with this person. I would just hang out with the mom if she is your friend at a time you can both get away from the kids. My son had a little friend in preschool who was pretty aggressive. We had about 3 playdates with him and every time my son would get hit or kicked or even scratched. I stopped letting my son play with him. When his mom would ask I would say we were busy. We never got together with him again. I would have given him more of a chance but his mom had the attitude of, oh well, boys will be boys! He never got in trouble...just a slight reprimand. He never had to apologize. We moved about a year later so we never saw them again. Hopefully he outgrew this.
my step kids do this al the time. seriously. I cant babysit on the side, I cant do aything with other kids. DSS is involved now but not warrant taking kids away from her. the school, daycares and all complian. The step kids, hit, have casued stiches on my kids, knocked kids out of a tree house 5 ft up, stolen from school and friends....nothiing works. the mother says "its not her kids" she denies it all and its getting worse.
now daniel is licking people on the bus. hes 5.
if the mother doesnt get on board it will get worse...im living it. be firm with her as a friend....
With my son, I try to do several things: empathy plus clear expectations. I might (optimally) say something like:
"Oh, okay, so you were really worried about your block tower, and you really didn't want him to knock it down. Well I understand you worked hard on that tower. BUT, you cannot ever, ever hit another person. No matter what, that is not allowed. I don't care if you have a good reason, it makes me mad and sad that you hit. I am so mad, and so sad, that I am going to take away your [beloved toy] for one day, because that's how other people feel when you hit them. If you do not hit today, you will get your [beloved toy] back. But if I EVER find out that you hit anybody again, I will throw [beloved toy] in the garbage, and I will not buy you a new one. Do you understand?"
I did a variant of that when my son was part of a group of boys who were basically bullying the girls. My son wasn't the instigator, but he was definitely a follower, and I laid down the law. It's worked so far.
I am with you on this one. If it were my kid, he would be in big trouble. Like you said it doesnt matter if the other child has "behavior issues" that could mean anything and maybe he has problems and if so more so we should not be hitting him. It isn't right. NO one should be getting hit.
Her son shouldn't have gotten off so easily, what is that teaching him? That violence is okay, and when he does it that he just gets a talking to? Not okay. But then again, everyone disciplines or not differently..
Have you told your friend that her son hits your children as well? If not you really should bring it up to her and let her know.
There would have definitely been a punishment and then a conversation with the teacher to be sure I am informed if anything even remotely similar ever happened again. Hitting is not acceptable, especially with a weapon (the block)!
I would definitely have a talk with my child, given a punishment at home, and worked with the teacher on what we should do to help this never happen again. I cannot believe the friend doesn't actually punish her child for hitting another child. Hitting in my book is completely unacceptable.
Mom,
I would consider telling the mother that if her son touched my kid again I would kick her butt in front of her kid. But that's me, and I'd most likely think it and not have the guts to say it.
Stay away from them and hopefully she will get a clue when the poor child runs out of friends.
Good luck,
R
I am with SfromTX. If my kids hit or kick someone at school they get spanked at home. My youngest kicked a kid in the face (The kid was sitting down), the kid had been telling him he was going to kick him in the face so Dylan took it upon himself to kick him first. The principle talked to him then called me. She asked him what was going to happen when he got home and he told her he was going to get spanked. She told him he had a good momma because what he did warrented a spanking. Kids need to know that we back the schools up weather it a daycare of actual school! I don't blamb you one bit for not wanting him to be with your kids if he's going to act like that! I would have sent the kids home and if he could not go home right then he would have been sitting somewhere away from the other kids till he could go home.
Tough situation I do agree that she handled it very badly, but was she actually asking for advice, or thinking you'd be sympathetic? She is making excuses for him. A child doesn't deserve to be hit in the mouth with a block because they might have been going to knock down someone's block tower. Going easy on him for a first offense makes no sense, you want to come down hard the first time so they don't do it again, and if this boy has been hitting your kids, then it wasn't his first time. She should not have told him that he's not in trouble, when clearly he was. She lied to him, so no wonder he lies! If it was my kid, I'd have given one punishment for the hitting, and then a second, MORE SEVERE punishment for the lying. If the person did not ask for advice, I probably would not have given it, and would have addressed the issue of her kids hitting your kids at a time when that was going on.
However, if her kid is hitting your kids, and she is not making it stop, then I feel it is perfectly acceptable to tell her that until he's past the hitting stage, there won't be any more playdates. Let her know that you still value her friendship, but that you are clear with your children that hitting of any kind is not allowed, and that you won't allow them to be subjected to it.
Good luck.
I never punish a kid for his parents' bad parenting. Instead, I try to help him out. When this boy was at my house, I would tell him, "Honey, if you hit people, you will have to go home." And then when he hits, send him home and tell him he can come back when he stops hitting.
It takes a village.
