Foster Care Pros & Cons

One of my best friends is a foster mom to six (she is unable to have children of her own). She definately does not do it for the money, and she loves the kids like they were born to her. It takes all her money to take care of the kids.

My first thought is if your hubby is not on board, then you should wait on it. It can put a major strain on the marriage. I have seen this in my friends situation, just something to keep in mind.

Also, the situations the kids come from are heart wrenching, (as I am sure you know) so it will take a lot of emotional energy as well. We have cried together many many times for her kids.

I think it is a great opportunity, I have thought of doing it myself but my husband does not feel called to do it.
I admire your heart for children. My advice is meant to be gentle and sincere. I hope it helps.
N.

My wife & I are foster/adoptive parents, and you are right fostering is about loving a child who is in need of a loving stable home. If a person is "caring" for the child it is not about the money, the stipend you get covers costs and not a lot more. Our lives have been deeply enriched...and complicated by fostering. We have adopted 3 kids in the process which for us was the desire of our hearts. When you have a child come into your home it is because of a tragedy in their life, so you have the privilege to mend, heal, and love them even if it just for a few days. The cons are the interruptions like additional doctor visits, Case workers coming to your home, (& possibly therapists & others) difficulty in finding childcare because there are requirements that have to be met for foster kids. A very important aspect of fostering is temperament, both husband and wife need to be like minded on your parenting method, as coercive discipline is not good for the kids or allowed. There are a lot of details and a lot of rewards. There is a Foster Parent Orientation Meeting on Tuesday, March 25th at 6pm at the Safe Childrens Coalition 1500 Independence Blvd in Sarasota. There Phone number is ###-###-####, ask for Brooke Stello, she is the recruitment specialist and a very nice lady who can give you more details. I will send you a private note with our contact info should you want more information.

Finally, the need is huge for good solid foster family's. There are over 400 foster kids in Sarasota County alone and over 500,000 in the US. They simply need a loving home.
Thanks so much for posting the question.

My hubby and I did foster care for many years and there are several things to be mindful of.

1. All the family memebers really need to be on board; I can't stress how important that is for both your success and for the emotional health of the children you are bringing in. These children have been put into the foster system with wounded little souls anyway and their emotions are already fragile so please be sensitive to that.

2. Never upset the infrastructure of your own family... If your oldest is a boy... don't bring in an older boy. Also, try to maintain a normal pecking order. Since you have one toddler, you will want to introduce a younger one (or one of similar age) of the opposite sex.

3. Finally, measure the impact on your own children. These children have often witnessed things that even we as adults have never imagined. Are you ready to potentially expose your kids to having that behaviour replayed before them in dramatic play or having another child act out on them?

Hope this helps. If we had it to do over again, I think we would have probably ended caring for them before my son hit 3rd grade (we started when they were toddlers too). He seems to have held on to some of the behaviours modeled more so than my daughter who is younger.

This is a noble desire but not the right one if you aren't at one as a couple on it. Best of luck to you.

K~

It's wonderful to want to foster a child out of concern and love for being able to help. I strongly believe your husband needs to be on board with this decision however....you already have one toddler in the house, and you would be introducing another (and possibly his/her sibling(s)) -- you would need his support tremendously. It's not to say you couldn't do it w/o him, but it would be adding tension to the marriage. Why don't you wait a while and then broach the subject again in a few years. Maybe you could so some volunteer work somewhere to fulfill that need temporarily.

Most children coming into foster care have very special needs and have problems that take a very stable couple to help them, not just one foster parent, but two, who will work together for for the foster child. Place your husband and child above other needs to help. There are also many other ways you can help children. Volunteering in the school system is just one. Best of luck and God bless you for your love of children.

Hi Sarah; I am a mother & grandmother who over the years has fostered 15 children. It is very rewarding and also very heart breaking at times. The children often have emotional problems which take time and patience to correct. The younger the better. You love them like your own and when they leave you feel like you have lost one of your own. Social Services can be very frustrating to deal with most of the time. Some workers are very helpful and caring and others are just putting in their time and really don't care about the child. Your children also get attached to them and when they leave they feel like they have lost a brother or sister. Our youngest was 2 when we started fostering and we did not know until years later that he did not know he was not a foster child and always feared the time he would have to leave. He was about 6 or 7 before he mentioned fear of having to leave. So if you foster make sure your little one is reminded that he is not going any where. I am not saying do or don't but just wanted you to know some to the pro's & cons. I was a kindergarten teacher for many years and because of concern for some of the children in my class that is how we became foster parents. If you have any questions I would be glad to try and answer them for you. S.

I think it's wonderful that you want to do something so wonderful as to take in someone else's child. I can't tell you the pros and cons since I have never fostered. I am concerned that your husband does not support the idea. I can only assume that it would cause alot of friction between the two of you if your husband is not in 100% agreement with such a huge decision. Foster children have been through so much and they need a peaceful, welcoming atmosphere by both foster parents. I believe your husband would feel very respected if he knew he was part of the decision-making process. Perhaps he would come around and support the idea after all...

I don't know much about fostering but I was on the receiving end of it as a 9 year old when my single mom was sent on military duty.
The first was a great set of people but when they had their baby, they had to send me off. That broke my heart. :-(
The second family had 3 younger boys and it was obvious that the dad wasn't interested in having another kid in the house. He was mean and resentful of me being there and he emotionally abused me. I was not allowed to speak when he was in the room. I wasn't allowed to eat at the table when he was there and I was made to babysit the boys a lot of the time.
Looking back, I recall taking it out on their youngest boy (probably about 3) by doing mean things to him, because it was the only way I could have power. KWIM?

I'd have to say that if your husband isn't totally into the idea, to find another way to help children. Having two loving, invested people was one of the greatest things to happen to me. Having that dad in my life, really effected my self esteem.

I agree with the previous two people about your husband's reluctance. I have also realized from friends' stories that foster care seems to be something I'd consider later in life, after I've experienced parenthood longer and an empty nest was on the horizon.

HTH!

I applaud you for your interest in helping children. It has been a lifetime goal for me as well. I wish to adopt in the future when my husband and I are ready. There are many ways of helping children. For instance, we helped a young student recieve quality education by searching for sponsors and we mentored her in school and life decisions. Gains she would not recieve otherwise. Helping a child in school is great, afterschool activities, big sister programs, even helping/visiting sick children in the hospital bring delight to their days and makes a difference in their life. Please continue to help them. Regardless of their turmoils and dangers, they need love.

I have friends that are in foster care. To start with you can't pick who you get. They just give you a child. You may end up with more than one depending on the circumstances involved. They loved being foster parents to start with but then after you have them awhile they can and normally are removed from your home and given back to the parents or family members. You may get the same child back a few weeks or months later if things don't work out. This can happen more then once. Also you can expect the child you get to have emotional and possible physical damage. After all they are in foster care for a reason. They ended up adopting three of the children and are no longer in foster care. You can expect random home visits from case workers and court officials without much warning. You can be forced to testify in court even if you don't want to. And it can destroy your marriage if your husband isn't on board with this. Also the problems of the child you take in could have bad influences on your other children. And that is just the beginning of the bad parts of being a foster parent.

On the other hand you are giving a child a chance to recover and survive in a normal healthy atmosphere. A chance to have some stability in their little lives. A chance to see what a real loving family is like. You can improve their chances of survival. Your childrend will experience new things with this child and learn how to love another. And it can be very rewarding mentally knowing that you are helping a child that might not survive in the world without your help.

But before making the big decision I would take into consideration my feelings for my husband. I would not put my marriage on the line to become a foster parent. Maybe both of you could go and talk to someone about it and look at the pros and cons together. He may have a change of heart, then he may not. If he still says no then I would let it drop. Maybe consider having another child of your own or adopting a toddler. There are plenty of them out there looking for homes.

Good Luck!

Go to your local YMCA - and ask about becoming a foster parent or more direct - call ###-###-#### (that's the Tampa Association Office) and ask to talk to Heather Cazzola. They offer the training required (MAPP - I'm sorry I can't quite remember what it stands for) for all foster parents in Hillsborough County, and she can get you plugged in to the process.

If your husband doesnt like the idea, you shouldnt do it.

The children that will come into your home are coming from bad situations, and often have mental and/or physical problems. If this is not something you can handle, don't do it.